No More Love

[ARaynes]

Taylor sat down and wrote the words that she had felt for so long. It was a long hard life and in her twenty two years she had been exposed to more pain than anyone she had ever known.

She had tried for years to cover the pain she felt with sex, and it seemed that now, it all had caught up with her. The men she knew discusted her now. They just wanted one thing from her. Sex. No matter how she tried to avoid it they came to her like the plague.

Cyber. Many came to her on messengers, wanting to "fuck" their way into her life. She was so sick of it. She wanted to type words to them telling them how sick and horrible they were for only wanting one thing.

But then again, they were just men.

Phone. Men would constantly ask for her number. They wanted to hear her orgasm, and years past she would. She liked to hear the sound of the man cumming as he stroked his long cock to her words. But now, it was all so old.

No one wanted love. She couldn't find the one thing that her heart desired. She wanted someone to love her and devote all their time to her. She knew that it was impossible, but that is what she wanted. If it were a woman she would be the happiest in the world. But no such person existed.

So she wrote. No days her hand would tremble as she wrote. Her words would come out torrid and myspelled from the twitch she couldn't grow accustomed to.

So, she got on her trusty computer that she lovingly called "Eliza" and wrote. Her words poored forth as her depression set it.

"Dear Eliza. Today I have learned that there is no such thing as love. There is only people that pretend in your life to get what they want. Why is it that people can't be honest. They talk to you and pretend to be interested, but the only when you tell them that you aren't interested in a sexual based relationship do they run. 'Sorry, I have no time for you now.'

"Is the world so selfish that they don't see the pain in the children's eyes as Santa Clause becomes a man of gifts, not love. All the fairy tales we used to hold so much faith in are now only a distant memory. Why Eliza? I ask you why?

"Is it because people are afraid to open themselves up to honesty? Is it that times have changed that no one ever longed to be with someone and love them more than they loved themselves?"

Tears came to her eyes as she lay her head down beside the computer. She didn't know what to do anymore than she had before she started writing. Slowly she drifted to sleep, hoping to dream of a world she belonged in. Any but this one she currently was in. Somewhere away from the world where NObody Loves No one.**



OOC: I have no idea where this is going. Mainly just a feeling that I thought people might enjoy writing about. Getting it out of their systems.

**Quote from Chris Issaks' song "Wicked Games"

 

[soliloquy]

Audrey

I closed the book and relaxed back in my chair, caught up in the pure romance and wistfulness of Shakespeare's sonnets. "That love is not love which alters when it alteration finds, or bends with the remeover to remove." She basked in the words, letting them slide over her.

Longing for love, was all she could think. She stood, going to the refrigerator and pulling out the Reisling wine she enjoyed so much. Pouring it into a plastic McDonald's cup, she looked about her apartment. It looked like a college dorm. A coffee table made of an old closet door and cinder blocks. A worn couch which looked more comfortable than it was. The room was adorned with eclectic pictures and nick-nacks, none of which produced a complete picture. She sat in her breakfast nook, and looked out at the setting sun. She sipped her wine and watched the people walking below.

She saw a man walking across the street, in a hurry. That is men for you...always in a rush to get somewhere. They always wanted to get somewhere fast. Fast in their cars and fast in their relationships. She just wasn't the race car kind of girl. And men's urges frightened her. She countered that with a wall of self protection, which also served to isolate her.


She slipped into her bedroom/office, opened her laptop and started it. Perhaps Mya was online. Though she hated listening to her one night stand stories time and again, she was lonely for company.

While the computer connected, she went in the bathroom to wash her face. Her small body seemed to be a hangar for her clothing, rather than the clothes complimenting her. She brushed a dark brown hair from in front of her face. She grabbed a hair tie and pulled her hair up into a ponytail. She rubbed her blue eyes and headed back to the computer.

"You've Got Mail" she heard, and she clicked on a message, the sender was unknown to her.

 

[catlover]

Frank

I arose from my lonely bed and made the coffee, and then headed for my puter

Alas- no e-mails- even rom literotica where I post in the only physical relatiionship I have. At least it ius fantasy phuysical and makes me think how it used to be when I had a girl that wanted to cuddle.

I still meet women on line that say they do, but they are disloyal and untruthful too

Maybe I';ll plasy a game of backgammoin or solitraire on line. ometimes the chat line alongside is fun, and often I run into lovers who enjoy being together. How jealous I get.

Where are the women I see on the net- where it's safe and they dont have to actually do what they say they want to do? They can send out pics of themselves that aren't really them. They can lie cheat and steal a man's heart for their own self-gratification

What an unhappy world

 

[ARaynes]

Taylor

**Meow**

A nudge on the arm woke Taylor up. She found the nudge was Whisper, her kitten standing on the keyboard. "Oh, kitty, get off the keyboard before.....crap! What did you do?"

"Sent" was flashing on her screne saying that the letter was just sent. Whisper apparently had sent the letter to some unsuspecting person. "Kitty, now lookit what you did. Someone is going to get my depressed ramblings."

She pulled the kitten to her lap and sat staring at the screen. What was she going to do now? She couldn't very well take it back for it was already gone. Just where was the question.

 

[soliloquy]

Audrey

OOC: keep switching POV...sorry IC: Audrey opened up the email, and began to read the words upon the screen.

"Dear Eliza. Today I have learned that there is no such thing as love. There is only people that pretend in your life to get what they want. Why is it that people can't be honest. They talk to you and pretend to be interested, but the only when you tell them that you aren't interested in a sexual based relationship do they run. 'Sorry, I have no time for you now.' "Is the world so selfish that they don't see the pain in the children's eyes as Santa Clause becomes a man of gifts, not love. All the fairy tales we used to hold so much faith in are now only a distant memory. Why Eliza? I ask you why?
"Is it because people are afraid to open themselves up to honesty? Is it that times have changed that no one ever longed to be with someone and love them more than they loved themselves?"

Audrey scanned the words over and over. She could have written that herself. Was this a mistake? She certainly wasn't Eliza. She thought of the person behind the words. Who was this person? How could they have read her heart so easily?

She pondered this message for over an hour. Finally, she decided to send a message to the sender:

I have received this email (attached) by mistake, i believe. I apologize for reading your most private words, but I feel the need to tell you that my heart ached reading your thoughts. These very same thoughts race through my mind, time and again. I sit before my computer searching for something elusive, something so many others find so easily. The elusive LOVE. It seems that, in this world of our making, we cannot find our other halves. Many settle for the simplicity of sex. I, however, don't long for that simplicity. I long for the touch of my lover's heart, rather than hand. I long for the caress of life and love which will carry me to the next phase in my life. I long for what you long for. Thank you for sending this my way. I was feeling isolated and alone in my feelings about the world. Please excuse these rantings. Your reader, Aud.

She got up from the computer. Should I send this? He or she will probably think that I am some pathetic excuse for a human being. But, on the other hand, what if...yes, what if?

She pressed the send button, and gulped the rest of her wine.

 

[ARaynes]

I have received this email (attached) by mistake, i believe. I apologize for reading your most private words, but I feel the need to tell you that my heart ached reading your thoughts. These very same thoughts race through my mind, time and again. I sit before my computer searching for something elusive, something so many others find so easily. The elusive LOVE. It seems that, in this world of our making, we cannot find our other halves. Many settle for the simplicity of sex. I, however, don't long for that simplicity. I long for the touch of my lover's heart, rather than hand. I long for the caress of life and love which will carry me to the next phase in my life. I long for what you long for. Thank you for sending this my way. I was feeling isolated and alone in my feelings about the world. Please excuse these rantings. Your reader, Aud.


Taylor got up to get herself a wine cooler from the fridge. Her friend, Carol, always said that she was a wimp for drinking the fruity things, but she loved them none the less. She was about to her computer when she heard the "You've got mail" pop up on her speakers.

"I wonder who that could be from." She said before sitting down to read it. She was overly shocked to know that the person on the other end had her feelings as well. But she wanted to know more about that person and that is why she wrote back, hoping at least to have a mutual friendship if not more.

Dear Aud.

On the chance of being to forward I wanted to respond to you. The first email was a venting for me, though I had no intentions to mail it to you. That is what kittens are for.

But I must say that it is comforting to know that there are others like me in this world. I, too, wish to know how it feels to be held. For my lovers lips to taste my own, and know that deep within we are both holding each other dear.

It really is sad that in this day and age, love is something so hard to find, but still wanted none the less. I often find myself wishing I were in a different time period where love was cherished and wanted before all else. But then I wonder if that time period ever existed in the first place.

I hope that we can talk more in the future. Perhaps it was not a coincidence that the email was sent to you.

Sincerly,
~~Taylor.

Taylor sat back in her chair, sipping her wine cooler as she pressed send.

She found herself searching the personals as she often did while she waited. There might just be something good in there.

 

[catlover]

Frank

Feeling lonely, and perusing the stories in Literotica, I surfed and found the bulletin board. One of the listings was Personal Ads, and I clicked in

I read a few and thought "why not? What do I have to lose?"

Then I composed a typical ad- in my mind not in the least bit enticing, but who knows- maybe some lady out there is looking for a nice guy. I might even get lucky enough to find one living nearby that might be willing to meet personally over a drink or a cup of coffee

So I posted as follows"

Lonely DWM 47 seeks like minded female for fun and companionship. Interests: golf, dancing, travel, sex and maybe LTR. send e-mail to Catlover @ Literotica.com

I figured I could count the responses without using any of my fingers and toes, and clicked on the button to post

 

[soliloquy]

She couldn't believe that she emailed her back. She was just about to settle into sleep when the computer voice called out to her, making her realize she was still connected.

She read the entry, and felt like she had found the one person in the world who felt as she did. She could have cried for all the relief she felt.

Dear Taylor,

Thank you for responding. This is strange, this incident which has brought us together. Your words sound as if they could come straight out of my mouth. And, in so replying, I am unsure of what to say to you. I know nothing about you, and yet, I wish to know more. I know nothing of your life, your gender, or last name, for that matter. But I feel a greater pull to your writing than I have to any person in years.

I too long for the kiss of my lover's lips. Every time I have kissed someone, I compare it to that early fall evening when my first boyfriend kissed me under the large oak in my back yard. Though it is but nostalgia, I cannot help but yearn for that feeling again.

I enjoy discussing this with you, and if you would like to talk some more, please feel free to email me.

Your Avid Reader,
Audrey


Audrey turned off the computer, pulled back the covers on her bed and slipped underneath. She took her jewelry off and set it on the night stand. She reached for her book of sonnets.
No, she thought, sorry Willy, don't need you tonight. I have thoughts of Taylor to sing me to sleep.

She turned off the light, laid her head on the pillow, and fell gracefully into sleep.

 

[ARaynes]

Taylor


Taylor searched the want adds and finally one just spoke to her.

Lonely DWM 47 seeks like minded female for fun and companionship. Interests: golf, dancing, travel, sex and maybe LTR. send e-mail to Catlover @ Literotica.com

So, she finally wracked up the courage to send him an email.

Hello Catlover. I saw your add and thought I would write to you. I am looking for someone like you and perhaps we could chat more. I have several im's or we can play email tag. I am thirty, and a redhead. I like dancing and would love to travel if I had someone to go with me. Write me back if you wish.

Always,
Taylor.

Then the email came from Aud. She thought she had better answer it before going to bed herself. She was tired, but this one, it really pleased her to get..

Dear Aud.

I am glad you have the same feeling. I would love to get to know you more. My name is Taylor, though I wish to be careful and not give you my last name yet. I am thirty, live here in great North Carolina. I am a woman, with red hair and green eyes. Irish decent. Some say pretty, but I am me, not pretty nor ugly in my opinion. Just plain.

What about you? What does Aud stand for? Audrey? Hope to hear from you soon. For tonight, I must go to bed knowing that the world has one more hopeless romantic in it.

Always,
Taylor.

 

[soliloquy]

Audrey

BZZZ...BZZZ...BZZZ...BZZZ--

Audrey slapped at the alarm and groaned. She threw the covers off and groggily got out of bed. She stood and stretched, and got out a set of clothes to exercise in. Morning rituals, the only thing that kept her together sometimes. An hour on the treadmill, a couple of sets of free weights (nothing big, just the ten and fifteen pounders), and off to the shower. She grabbed a water bottle and got on the treadmill, turning on the early news. Usually, she didn't care for the news, all murders and robbings and dirty politicians, but she felt she should keep up with the times.

"And in local news..." Some human interest story about a couple who had adopted twelve children, most with disabilities. The woman wasn't able to bear children, they were told. And now, twelve children after, the woman finds she is pregnant. The couple looks blissful, in love. Probably just a face for the cameras. They're probably scared shitless. But to be in love like they look. She sighed.

Finishing up her morning workout, she put some coffee on, grabbed a nutri-grain bar from the pantry, and turned on her computer to connect it. She was just stepping into the shower when she heard the computer voice faintly. "Welcome. You've got mail." She tingled in anticipation. Would Taylor email her back?

She showered more quickly than usual, and stepped out to wrap a towel around her body. She stepped in front of her computer and clicked on the mailbox.

Yes. She was a bit disappointed, though. It was a woman. Not that it would make any difference to Audrey, but it might to Taylor. Well, if she could make a friend out of this little twist of fate, why not?

Dear Taylor,

I understand your desire to keep some anonymity. In this day and agae, no one can be too careful. I will just take your lead. My name is Audrey. I am a 32 year old woman. I have dark brown hair that falls past my shoulderblades, and blue eyes. As for heritage, my family seemed to like to breed mutts...lol. I work as an editor for a local publishing company, and do some volunteer work at the library here. Mostly doing storytime for the children once a week. You should see how their faces light up. But I digress, I think.

It is important for us helpless romantics to stay together in this world. I saw a news story about couple in love who had adopted twelve children. That takes a lot of love. In the midst of the chaos of the maddening world, however, it is nice to take a step back and see that kind of love. Not love of money, or love of self, but pure, unadulterated love for someone else. Hang in there, Taylor. Surely we hopeless romantics are due something in our lives.

Your friend,
Audrey

She clicked the send button and hummed as she finished getting ready for work.

 

[ARaynes]

Taylor woke up early the next morning as she always did. She worked from home, but couldn't get the idea of waking up at six out of her mind everyday. So by seven she was in front of her computer working.

She put the pot of coffee on, yawning all the while. **Meow** She looked down to find Whisper curling around her feet. "What are you hungry or something?" she joked with her cat before putting some food in her bowl. "There you are girl. I wish I had someone to take care of my every whim when I whined for it." She joked.

Time to get to work, she thought as she started stirring her coffee. She went out to her office and started doing her work. She was a vet of sorts. She learned everrything she needed to help pets with their illnesses, but didn't graduate since she had a car accident. She knew what she needed to do, but didn't have a degree so she rescued sick or abandoned animals and dropped them off with new homes.

Later she went inside for lunch and she sat down in her chair by her computer. Turning on the internet she heard the male voice pop up on her computer telling her she had mail.

She read the email and felt saddened. This Aud was Audrey. How would she feel about having a girlfriend? She laughed, but thought that you never know. Perhaps a girlfriend is just what Audrey needed.

Dearest Audrey,

I work from home. I run a makeshift kennel, vet service. I save sick or abandoned animals and have them adopted out. It is enjoyable, but time consuming too.

I would love to have children sometime, but sometimes it seems that it would be horrible to bring them into a world as cruel as this one. Do you have any yourself?

I would think not, since you are a hopeless romantic yourself. Tell me a little more about yourself. I can tell you anything you want to know about me. I have had several relationships with men, and they all seem to hurt me, so I have set my eyes on women. Perhaps they don't hurt like men do.

I live with my animals. Enjoy ever day of living with them and helping them. They love me for the help I give them and it pains me to have to give them up in the end, but I know they will have the famliy they have always wanted.

Enough about me now, what about you?

Your gracious writer,
Taylor

 

[catlover]

Frank

I surfed and played sames on the puter, and periodically checked my e-mails. I had a bunch of spam every day. I wonder if Literotica sells their mailing list to advertisers? I dont think so - must be that game site. They offer free games and there has to be some return. I'll bet they are the ones.

Many of the spams have a sexy come-on - sometimes they are porn sites, and some simply are a credit service or sales company but the e-mail caption is always from sexy sounding girl and they dont get to the point until u click in and find out what it is. Then they have a record of you reading it and just send you more garbage.

Lo, here is one from someone named Taylor. Sounds like a man's name. I wonder what it is? It was addressed to catlover, my name I use in Lit. Oh, it is a response to my personal ad! Great- I will respond and tell her I am happy to have her make contact. Hopefully we can become friends. I did include sex as an interest. Maybe she is horny and needy too, just as I am. Maybe we can have fun without any great comittment that becomes burdensome. Let's see

Dear Taylor-

So happy to hear from you. I am attaching a picture I hope you will like. I love to dance too. I am blonde, blue eyed and 6'5" tall 230 lb. I love redheaded women, and dancing with you would be a delight. You say u like to travel. Maybe we could go on a cruise to the Caribbean together, and dance our way from one island to the next. Sounds romantic to me- how about you? are you tall? will you send me a picture too?

I really look forward to hearing from you again.

Frank

 

[ARaynes]

Taylor

Taylor wrote a story or two while she waited. It had been a while since she had received the last email from Audrey. Perhaps she had scared her off.

She was just about to get up from her computer when she heard the all too familiar voice. She got excited thinking that finally Audrey had wrote back, but then she found that it wasn't Audrey.

She read the email and decided to write back. His picture wasn't bad looking and perhaps he was in it for more than just sex. She wasn't wanting someone just looking for a fuck buddy, and perhaps he wasn't either.

Dear Frank,

I am sending you a pic as well. I am of average height. Not really tall, but not short either. As to the cruise, well, let's not rush it. Let's get to know one another first.

I am hoping this doesn't sound horrid to you, but I am not looking for just a sexual partner. I am looking for someone to fall for. I want moonlit walks and serenades. I want a man to love me for me, not my body.

I know that sounds harsh, but I didn't want to waste your time if you were just looking for someone in a one night stand. It would not be nice of me to lead you on, and then drop you off when and if you made an advance.

If I hear back from you then I know you will work out and we can talk more. Thanks for the sweet letter, it does sounds romantic. I love dancing.

Always,
~Taylor.

 

[soliloquy]

Audrey

Audrey walked in the door with laptop in hand. Damn machines are more trouble than they are worth. She had to take it in because it kept freezing up any time she went to send an email and she lost the email. Finally, all was fixed. She set the computer on and logged on to the internet. While it was connected, she got herself a glass of milk and some pretzels.

She sat down at the computer and sifted through the email.

Porn.
Dating Service.
Credit Card.

She opened the email from her mother:

"Well, you haven't written me in quite a while, so I must assume you have a man in your life. I couldn't be happier. I fear you have lived alone so long that you will never be able to live with a man. It's about time you find someone to take care of you. Your father and I went to the country club and Anne Silver said that her son had been asking about you. You remember Rusty? He's a nice boy. If you aren't seeing anyone, give him a call. His number is 555-1324. Well, hon, Dad and I are off for the Bahamas on Tuesday. Hope you could talk to us before then, but if you are otherwise occupied, we will understand. "

She sighed. Her mother never did understand her. And Rusty? He was divorced, and rumors said that he had played around on his first wife. Mom always managed to pick winners.

The next email was from Mya. A detailed account of four orgasms in one night. What ever happened to "Hey, how's work?"

Then she saw the message from Taylor. She had her eyes set on girls! Audrey couldn't believe she was so excited, but she feared men, and a relationship with a woman...who knows?

She replied:

Dearest Taylor,

Yes, I am a hopeless romantic, and no I do not have any children. Sometimes It scares me to think that I might some day be responsible for someone else's life. It seems so hard to take responsibility for one's own most of the time.

I was at work today, reading through and editing a novel, when I fell upon the following words. I thought you might appreciate them. "The long days are followed by long nights in the absence of a lover's embrace." How true, I thought to myself. My days and nights are so long, and sometimes tedious. I am not much of a cryer, but sometimes my heart aches that dull ache of absence.

I too have attempted relationships with men, but their aggressiveness frightens me. It is very rare that I find a man that I can trust completely, even when I try. I want that relationship where trust isn't something I have to try to do, but something I give freely. Like the female friendships I have, though few. I have gotten to the point where I feel I could really only trust a woman to love me. Does that sound helpless?

I live in a two bedroom house that looks like it came right out of better homes and gardens from thirty years ago. My little writer's cottage. I haven't done much writing lately, as the muse seems to elude me. I don't have any pets, well, a beta I call Ralphie, but I think he feels neglected.

I have a mother and father who are so deeply in love with each other, it makes one want to gag during the holidays. They do not understand how I could live by myself. They want me to get married so badly, that they are throwing men at me left and right. Well, I have jabbered your head off. Tell me what you look like. Do you write or do anything artistic? Are you athletic? What do you like to do for leisure. Ah, must sound like the third degree.

I just want you to know that I am grateful that fate intervened and threw us together. Sometimes computers can be a curse, but right now, I am thining mine is a blessing. More later,

Audrey

Audrey went to her journal and began to write for the first time in months. The words flowed freely from the pen, and she smiled inwardly. She felt happy. Truly happy.

 

[catlover]

Frank

I was so happy to receive a reply from Taylor. At leasae she responded, and thereby indoicatres some interest.

My hormiones started to race as I thought of holding her in my arms in a slow romantic dance. On a cruise ship deck under the stars would be nice, but it can wait as she said, until we get better acquainted. Trouble with a cruise ship- particularly sharing a stateroom, is they are pretty confined and if the chemistry isnt just right, it can be awful. Som she us right- lets dance on land first where if things dont go just right, we can always politely say goodnight and there need be no hard feelings

Speaking of hard, however, I did seem to have a hard object just thinking about holding her and smelling her scents, and dancing together in perfect hsrmony. Let us take this one step at a time and let it develope

So, I responded as follows:

Dear Taylor-

Love looking at your picture. That smile is radiant and I want to see it in person. You are so right that we need to get to know each other and be confident that we are compatible before doing something as crazy as going off on a cruise, although that idea certainlky appeals to me if everything works out

I am completely in agreement with you. I can always find someone to just have sex with- it is standing on and around every corner. I want a lady to hold and to cherish and to share everything with.

When can we meet over a drink or cup of coffee? My schedule is pretty flexible and whenever it is convenient for you, I can drive to a mutually convenient public place so you wont feel threatened at all. Please just tell me where and when and I'll be there with roses in my hand, and a smile for you that cant possibly equal the one in your picture!

Frank

 

[ARaynes]

Taylor

It was late afternoon when Taylor got back on her computer. She had taken the puppies, well, they were more dogs now, out for a walk, playing ball with them. She really enjoyed the animals. They were the one thing in her life that made her smile. They didn't ask for much. ONly to be fed, bedded and played with.

When she did sit at he computer she found a few emails. Only a couple interested her. One from her new found friend, Audrey, and then Frank, who was looking to be an interesting character.

She sat sipping a rum and coke while she sent the emails. First to Frank.

Dear Frank,

Thank you for the sweet compliments. As of now, I can't really join you for coffee. I hardly know anything about you. In today's day and age, it would be stupid to just run out and meet someone, though from your writing, I would like to get to know you more before we meet.

You sound like a really sweet guy. I just know people that have been hurt by people they have met online, and don't want to fall into that statistic.

What do you do for a living? Do you have family here? Things like that would be nice to know.

Always,
~Taylor

Next it was the time to write Audrey back. This letter excited her because for once she might have more than just a friend from a woman.

Dearest Audrey,

I enjoyed getting your letter this afternoon. It is interesting how your parents are in your life. Mine died in a car accident when I was ten and then I was raised by my aunt who I tend to call "Dirty Daria." She was not the best at housekeeping.

Your home sounds lovely. My house is only one story, but the acreage that it stands on is magnificent. I bought it for the kennel that it has outside. You don't have to worry about your neighbors here either. The closest one is over two miles away so it is nice and quite. The city is about four minutes by car away, but I ride a bike most days. Nice excersize.

My life is simple, but enjoyable. I tend to think lots of times, that is why I get so sad about not having someone in my life.

As to what I look like. I have red hair and green eyes. I am thirty, though I have not lived much of a life like I wish. Too much of an empathetic person. I do write, poems mostly. Though they end up being pretty sad at times. Fits the mood I write in. I can draw, but no more than little cartoons.

How about you. What do you look like? Do you have a talent? I sing, but I am not sure if Kareoke is much of a talent. Some say I am good.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Always,
~Taylor.

She laid down on the couch and waited for that male voice to once again say, "You've got mail."

 

[BadForm]

Gaylord Diamond

OOC: You know my proviso, Angel, if you don't want me in tell me and I'll happily butt out.

IC: Bob Geldof blared from his speaker, the same song on constant loop. It was the right song, he knew, the one that said it all. Let whoever found him hear it and 'remember Diamond Smile."

She went up the stairs,
Stood up on the vanity chair,
Tied her lame belt around the chandelier,
And went out kicking at the perfumed air.

Well, he was a guy, it was just a plain leather belt and a ceiling hook, and he was on the dresser drawers, but it was good enough. She'd gone out after a party, just like he would. He lept. The belt snapped taught around his neck. His weight pulled down. The ceiling hook ripped free and he collaspsed on the floor with a groan of pain. Stupid. he couldn't even kill himself properly.

Then he heard the email program beep. Why had he booted up and logged on? He only did it once a week as he never got email, not even spam. Hardly anyone wanted to know him, in real life or on the net. He stood up unsteadily and limped over to the computer on a badly bruised ankle to see what he had received.

"Dear Eliza. Today I have learned that there is no such thing as love. There is only people that pretend in your life to get what they want. Why is it that people can't be honest. They talk to you and pretend to be interested, but the only when you tell them that you aren't interested in a sexual based relationship do they run. 'Sorry, I have no time for you now.'

"Is the world so selfish that they don't see the pain in the children's eyes as Santa Clause becomes a man of gifts, not love. All the fairy tales we used to hold so much faith in are now only a distant memory. Why Eliza? I ask you why?

"Is it because people are afraid to open themselves up to honesty? Is it that times have changed that no one ever longed to be with someone and love them more than they loved themselves?"

That was when he snapped. His fingers stabbed at the keys as he responded.

"I don't know who you are, but I figure you're a woman cos us men don't get to talk like that. Well you're right but it's not just men. Shit, I remember a feminist humor diary marked AMAB for All Men Are Bastards, but so is AWAB - All Women Are Bitches. They tell you they want a soft sensitive guy, they don't care about looks or anything like that and just want to be listened to but thats all bullshit. Women are just as big users as me, they want money and cars and a fucking tall dark fucking handsome stranger. I don't care what you say or what any other woman says its the truth. I'm just over 5' tall, and don't have a massive income and no woman has ever been willing to be anything but a friend in over ten years. Oh they're all glad to have someone to listen to them while they bitch out their husbands, boyfriends, girlfriends, children, neighbors and bosses, but you as them out and they make excuses. Sure I can take being knocked back, I'm not fucking stupid - everyone gets that, but ten years?"

He stopped himself, shaking uncontrollably as tears ran down his face.

"Sorry, you don't deserve this, but I had to tell someone how I felt and your letter pissed me off. I don't know why, I guess its just that guys don't get to be like that unless they want everyone to think they're gay. You probably think you're some kind of hopeless romantic or something. You're not - you're still alive. I'm sorry, goodbye."

He hit the send button in his distraught state and only then realised he'd hit reply all instead of just reply, and the person had sent that message to one other person apart from him. Well, it hardly mattered now did it?

Two roads over from Taylor's house, one of the neighbors she didn't know was playing that damned depressing rock music at full volume again.

 

[soliloquy]

Audrey

Audrey was drifting in and out of nightmares. Solitude invaded by a monster, serpent, or natural disaster. They always left her choking for air and frightened of sleep. She got up and put some water on for hot tea. She went to get a book, but nothing interested her. She connected to the internet. Addicted to the damn thing, she thought.

She had two emails. One from Taylor and another unknown. She almost deleted it, but remembered how Taylor's email had brought so much warmth. She opened the terrifying message.

You probably think you're some kind of hopeless romantic or something. You're not - you're still alive. I'm sorry, goodbye.

The words stung her eyes. She had been ready to either delete the email or send a vicious reply, but these words...These words were a cry for help.

She decided to answer Taylor's email before she replied to the angry stranger.

Dear Taylor,

I am so sorry to hear that you do not have parents in your life. Though I get tired of my parents' nagging ways, it is wonderful to have people who love you so unconditionally. I hope that you find that some day. Someone who can love you no matter what you do. I wish that for myself, as well.

As for me, hmmmm...I am a 32 year old woman. I have dark brown hair that falls past my shoulderblades, and blue eyes. Some people tell me that I am pretty, but I do not find that in myself. I look in the mirror and one word jumps out at me--plain. And talents? Well, I like to sing, though most would ask me to stop after two bars. I do write, and your letters have proved to be inspiration for me. I write some poetry, but it is very personal, and mostly dark. I find that poetry is difficult to write when I am happy. Prose comes much more naturally to me.

I am an avid exerciser, as it keeps the endorphins going, and something has to counter-act the copuous amounts of caffeine I ingest daily. I have a love for music, and I fancy myself to be a good dancer. I used to take lessons--tango, lambada, cha-cha. I can't even remember why I stopped.

Well, enough jabber from me. Have a wonderful day, and please don't forget me.

Your admirer,
Audrey


Next, she opened an email to send to this mysterious man. She had no idea what to write, so she put it rather simply:

Do you need help? Do you want help? If so, here is a hand.


She hoped that he either responded, or was not in need of help.

She signed off and sat in her breakfast nook, sipping her tea and looking at the sky. Tomorrow, she would have novels to edit, authors to meet with, and reports to write. Right now, it was just she and the moon. And it seemed to be good enough for both of them, for the time being.

 

[BadForm]

Gaylord Diamond.

He sat staring at the computer screen, his mind seeming to have derailed for a moment. How could he have sent that, and especially to two complete strangers? He shouldn't have done it, now he would have upset someone and...

Another email downloaded to his system. It was from one of the two strangers. He double-clicked it and read.

Do you need help? Do you want help? If so, here is a hand.

He froze with his hand over the keyboard. What could he say in response, and why did he feel angry at what the person had written? Slowly he began to type.

I'm sorry, I should never have written that. I'm sorry, I just lashed out and that was wrong of me. I'm just tired of all this bullshit. And I'm tired of being a nice guy who comes last. Look, I probably shouldn't tell you this, but I will. I've had more female friends than you'd ever guess for a guy. I've been a good shoulder to cry on, or so they all say. I've listened to friends complain (and rightly so in some cases) about their husbands, their lovers, their kids, their bosses, you name it. And they all said I helped them, but for me? I'm sick and tired of being lonely. My last girlfriend was 18 years ago, back when I was 17. Since then, all any woman ever wants, and they do want it, is friendship. I feel like I'm being just as used as the women who want love and all a man ever gives them is sex. Yeah, thats not fair, but its the way I feel after being alone for 18 years.

He sighed and thought about deleting all of that, but there was still a part of him that wanted to lash out, and a larger part, perhaps a subconcious part, that wanted to be saved from himself.

I don't know anymore. Look, just forget what I wrote ok. It doesn't matter. You offer me a hand, but that's not what I want. I want a body, a heart, a mind and a soul. I want someone to call my own. No, not you, I don't even know who you are. Just someone. And now I finally know I'll never have that. Just forget you ever heard from me. Pretend I'm making this all up or something. It doesn't matter. It's all bullshit. Everything is.

He hit the send button and stood to stare out of his window, not really thinking any more, not really feeling any more, just half-dead inside.

 

[catlover]

Frank

Still sitting at thge puter and playing games. Every now and then checking the e-mail and deleting the few more spams that arrive continually, All of a sudden there is a prompt response from Taylor

With excitement brewing, I click it in to read that not only does she put me off on the cruise idea, she wont even meet me for coffee. Oh well, she could have simply deleted mine and not responded again. I had to assume she was at least slightly interested enough to even respond at all

So now it was my turn, and I decided to keep up the communication in the remote hope that something might evolve from it. So- I began as follows:

Dear Taylor

I can understand your reluctance to just stop everything and meet personally, even in a public place such as a restaurant for coffee. But I like your picture, and you seem to not be too put off by mine. I find you very attractive, and do very much want to meet you when you feel comfortable with it

You ask when I do and about my family

I own a small sales company with 6 employees at the moment, covering several adjacent states selling electrical products to wholesalers, primarily for commercial construction and maintenance. This gives me a lot of flexibility, since I do travel the territory working with my several salesmen, and can always justify a visit to any nearby location, and call on cusomers in tat area

I am recently divorced. I was married for 15 years and my ex-wife anbd I are still very good friends, but found it difficult to live together. I take care of my responsibilities to my children per the divorce agreement, and I still have adequate finances to live comfortably if not lavishly.

I do see my kids often, and they come to visit and swim in the pool here at my complex whenever the weather is cooperative.

My parents are bothy dead, and I have a broother and his family living in New York, whom I see irregularly- whan I am in that area on business visiting the bfacftories which we reptresent.

I hope that is the information you ae looking for, and if there is anything beyond that you might nlike to know, please feel free to ask.

It would seem to me that a brief meeting in a public restaurant wouldnt be too risky a step for either of us. Lets give it a try


Frank

I clicked on "send" hoping she would find this adequate and trust meeting me over a latte, which hopefully might lead to more

 

[soliloquy]

Anna

Anna was trying to sneak a peek at her email when her boss entered the room. Fifty-five and bespectacled, Jerry Lynch was the stock publisher. He held a cup of steaming coffee in one hand and a manuscript in another.

"What the hell is this, Trawler?" he looked at her over the tops of his glasses and took a burning sip of his coffee.

"Um, sir that is just, well, it's something I wrote. Probably nothing, really, but I thought you might look at it and see if it could be novel material." Suddenly her throat was dry and her hair felt out of place. She smoothed it with her hand.

The older man sat in a the chair in her office and set his coffee on her desk. "Everybody wants to be a writer. Is it so bad, being an editor, Trawler?"

"No, sir. Writing is just a hobby."

"Well, your stuff is good--for a beginner. The dialogue is artificial, but the plot is interesting. You use too many metaphors for this genre, and your point of view should be third om, not first." He set her manuscript down on the desk and started to leave when he noticed her email on her computer screen.

"You wouldn't be conducting personal business at work, would you?" Again, the peer over the glasses.

"Won't happen again, sir," she replied as she clicked the x in the corner of the box.

"And Anna?" He said in a very firm voice, "You can call me Jerry." He had been telling her this for almost two years now. She just couldn't bring herself to. He seemed so authoratative that she couldn't use a personal name with him.

Anna, despite her boss's warning, got back on AOL and pulled up the email from the angry man. She responded as quickly as she could for fear of getting caught.

I think we're in the same boat. I feel as if nice girls come last too. But I cannot forget that you wrote what you did. Sending it means that you wanted someone to see your anger and pain. I can understand the need for a body, mind, and soul, but accept the hand first, the shoulder will come next, and so on. Don't give up. It does seem like bullshit, but we're all on this Titanic together. Reach out.

She pressed send and got out of AOL just in time. Mr. Lynch was back in her office. "Oh, and Anna. I want three more chapters by Friday."

She sat, stunned. He wanted her to write a novel. She was suddenly frightened. She wanted to write Taylor and ask for courage, but she didn't dare. She would wait until she got home. But that was four hours away.

She stood and stretched her legs, and picked up the romance novel she was currently editing. Same old story, strong man rescues woman from the perils of her own life and they live happily ever after once they've solved the crime of the century. She couldn't believe they were publishing this overdone crap. But, her red pen quickly went to work on the paper, leaving bloody wounds wherever it went.

 

[BadForm]

Gaylord Diamond

His eyes barely recognized the flash of the screen as more mail was downloaded, and it was only half-aware that he opened the message from her. That changed when he saw its contents. She was hurting, though he didn't know why. She said she felt as if nice girls came last - and to his ears that sounded like a cry for help which even she wouldn't acknowledge to herself. He wrote back quickly.

I know we do not know each other, but it sounds like you could do with someone listening to you for a change. What's wrong? If you want to talk about it, I'm here, and always willing to listen. Is it a guy, or work or something else? I'm not trying to pry, so if you don't want to tell me that's ok, but I'm here if you need an ear or an e-mail should.

 

[ARaynes]

Taylor

The phone was ringing when Taylor walked in the door from shopping at the local pet store in town. She ran to it, hoping that it would be prince, or princess, charming on the line.

"Hello."

"UH, yes, Mrs. Davis. This is Laura Nightengale, I was calling for Spookie." The woman's voice on the other end was familiar. She had been wanting to take Spookie, a doberman with a scared heart, home.

"Oh, Yes, Mrs. Nightengale. Spookie is ready to go to his new home. I have been by the house and seen the dog house and it seems like you would be a great mom. Come get him when you wish."

There was silence on the other end, then a great squeal. This woman had wanted Spookie since she first saw him at the shelter. She couldn't take him because he was still being patched up from being thrown off an overpass and onto some rocks below. If The neighbor hadn't heard his cries for help, Spookie would have been a dead pup by now.

"I will be right over!" Mrs. Nightengale warned.

The click on the phone was a permenant sound to Taylor. How many times had she heard it click when things were to be left unsaid. Tom had once left her and when she called to beg him to come back the click was all she heard.

She hung up the phone and pushed her computer to connect to the net. She was putting food in the pantry when it finally connected.

Sitting down sipping on some iced tea she saw that she had three emails. One from Audrey, one from Frank, and then a new one from someone she didn't know.

She read Audrey's email first. This was one that she was really interested in. She could be friends, if not more with Audrey, and Audrey spoke her language.

Dearest Audrey,

I hope your day is going well. Mine is going good. A pup I have been working on got a new home today. Someone special to love him when he needs it most.

Seems sad sometimes that I find owners for these pets and yet, I still have not found someone to love me. Well, I do have Whisper. She is my calico long hair. So beautiful. Much to handle, and a cat with an attitude, let me tell you.

Living without parents isn't so bad now. I used to think it was my fault that they died, but now I know that no matter how much I wish I will never have them back. So why waste time wishing eh?

A neat thing happened at the grocers today. A man standing next to me actually asked me what the time was. I know that doesn't seem like an unusual thing, but the thing was, he looked me in the eyes! It was great!

I am sending a picture with this email. I wanted to let you know what I looked like. This was taken last week by a client as I said goodbye to Lazerus, a mixed pooch that I had rescued. Hope you like.

Always,
~Taylor.

Frank came next. There was one thing about Frank. He was persistant.

Dear Frank,

I recieved your letter just now. If you will give me a few more emails, I will meet you for dinner. I promise.

As for your divorce, I know those seem hard. I have watched a couple happen through people I know. Not pleasent I don't suppose.

As far as kids, I don't have any just yet, unless you concider Whisper my cat my kid. She is all I have in this world. My parents died when I was younger and I was raised by an aunt that was not very pleasent. Trust me. YOu never want to meet her.

What type of foods do you like? I love most types, but I do have to say Italian is my favorite. Seafood is a running close though. I love both. Fried Calamari is to die for!

I have never been married. Never really found someone that liked my mind over my body. Perhaps someday I will find that.

Bye for now. Must go, but I hope to hear from you soon.

Always,
~Taylor.

The next email she read was very disturbing. She didn't know what to say, for the first email she sent to him was a mistake. She didn't mean to send it to him.

Dear Unknown,

The first letter I wrote was not meant to be sent. I am sorry that it has been sent to you and angered you so. I felt that men out there didn't want to love me, only to use be for sex. Please forgive me.

You sound like you are angry, and though it is not my place to pry, please know that I do feel that I could help. That is if you want me.

Always,
~Taylor.

 

[catlover]

Frank

It wasnt long before my e-mail said "receiving mail" Along with the spams was a response from Taylor

She said "if you will give me ...." There was no question about that. I would e-mail her as long as she kept answering.

She asked about my food likes. She mentioned Italian, which is a long suit for me. That settled it - a very nice Italian restaurant. My favorite dish was osso bucco, but various veal dishes were close behind. It was hard to find good veal in a market - it all went to the good restaurants, so that was where I went to enjoy it. Plus, a restaurant bill worked a lot better on an expense account than a supermarket check, and that was something I knew all about.

I replied to Taylor as follows"

Dear Taylor

I really enjoy chatting. There is so much more than just the words back and forth over the internet, but it would be so much nicer sitting in a nice restaurant talking over a glass of wine. After clinking glasses in a cheery toast, we could tell each other so much more about each other, and know so much more from the facial expressions and manner of speaking the words

I like Italian food too. Why dont we find a nice Italian restaurant and share a bottle of buono vino (rosso or bianco, whichever you prefer)? I can tell you so much more about myself, and you too can tell me all about what you do all day

I want to hear all about you. Let's do it

Affectionately,

Frank

 

[BadForm]

Gaylord Diamond

He saw the e-mail arrive from the other person, the person who had first sent the message he'd responded to. He read it and sighed. Great, now he was a damned sympathy case. What was that Toyah song? "Sympathy is all you need, cos there's not enough love to go around?" He laughed ironically as he started to write back.

No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have responded. You didn't do anything it's just that... well. Look, I didn't disagree with you about men, ok? You're right: AMAB! All Men Are Bastards! It's just that like I say, AWAB too... All Women Are Bitches. I guess nobody means to be, but that's what we all are in the end. Nice guys, nice girls, finish last. And they don't even finish together. Men act like they're gonna love you and all they want is a fuck. I didn't use a nicer word because for how men are they don't deserve a nice word. As to women, they say they don't care what you're like, they just want to be loved, they just want a friend they can rely on in a lover. That's bullshit too, ok. I mean, I've had more female friends than I can count, and I'm always willing to listen to them talk about their problems. They say it helps, but there's never even been one who wanted to go further than friendship with me. Not in 18 years. I get the message now. I get it. But see, half of them would never be seen with a guy named Gaylord. Yeah, you'd be amazed at how quickly the jokes get old. Half the rest are rascist, that is, they'd never consider a black guy for a date. And the rest want money. Don't tell me it isn't true, I've seen the guys they date.

He shook his head, he was rabbitting on again and it was pointless. This person didn't want to hear it and while he'd leave in what he'd written he'd pull this to an end now.

Look, don't worry about it, ok. Don't worry about me. I'm just another lonely guy who can't do anything right. I guess I was just mad because I can't even commit suicide right. But don't worry. I will. Goodbye.