No longer the big fish...

[impulse]

I suppose I am spoiled. I am a member of several forums in which sexuality is not as much the primary focus as it is here. My stories have found an enthusiastic fanbase in those realms. Now, I think it is time to put them to the test of fire. Err...that would be here.

The three stories I have posted are recollections of real encounters. I am planning to try my hand at a fictional account as soon as I see how my real life stories are received.

I wish I could magically make you all know me as well as I am known on the other forums. As this is impossible, I suppose I will just have to type your ears off in my typically verbose manner.

Here are the links to my stories. Be cruel. It will help my learning curve.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=115808 It's called Lydia, Bridgette and Me I actually changed names in this one. I am so noble.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=115812 This one is titled My Little Vampire Girl. Kisska was a biter, not a real vampire.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=115810 Last one, but the first in terms of real life chronology, is called Lisa and the Bet. It also makes it clear why I will never be the president of the United States.


the middle one seems to have gotten the least feedback. It has been positive feedback, but not as prolific as for the other two. Is my title offputting?

Thanks in advance to those who take the time to hip me to the ways of the story section.

 

[Black Tulip]

Hi impulse,

I'm still new here myself. And who am I to criticise. I have only one story up so far and don't look to me for spelling or grammar. English is not my mother tongue.

Maybe that's why I have some trouble following your story.
For example:

"Ohhh, I wanna fuck you both so bad."
At this point she was standing.
I got up at this point to speak to her a in a little less charged manner.

There are three people and I don't know which she is she. If you get my meaning.

"I need to know what I can do and what you'll do"
"Do you mean can you fuck Bridgette?"
"Yeah, and will you fuck Bridgette?"

Same here. Who is talking in these sentences?

One last thing. Your girls seem to wobble a bit between being shy or timid and then turning authoratively.

By the way, I read all three stories to the end which can't be said of every story here. I liked them, but I prefer a little more graphic details.
As it says in my profile: I loooove dirty words.

 

[Black Tulip]

Guess I just did criticize.

 

[impulse]

I suppose I could be clearer with quotes. The second example was of a two peson dialogue. As it was a continuance, I thought repeating the "he said, she said" part would be redundant. In the first example, I relied upon the circumstance to explain. Our friend was the one in a begging situation. Lydia was my girlfriend.

I'll be more specific next time.

Lydia's progression from shy and demure to confident and aggressive is an accurate portrayal of the way things happened. I think, once certain doors were opened, she gained confidence.

Thanks for the feedback. I'll look up your story.


...read it. Great story, so far. Am I to assume that you will resume where it has left off? I like the idea of dominant women finding themselves in less than dominant situations.

 

[A7inchPhildo]

Lydia, Bridgette & Me
Very good not quite a 5 but very good. Readable, good flow and for the most part I could feel the story

Lisa & The Bet was OK
It was ok I thought there could have been a bit more on the bet that was a bit disappointing to see it was just another get to the sex story.

My Little Vampire Girl was Ok
"Well, this may seem a little odd. It kills me that you're as young as you are. You are so fucking pretty, you can't imagine. ...

Maybe I'll see ya around.". We parted ways a...

She said, "Ya know, I think I'll take that kiss now."...

Then she got dirty. It wasn't me. She pulled herself up my torso to grind against me...

I might be past the teeny age but very hard for me to swallow this interaction of older male and ?18? girl. Meets says fuck to impress her she says No, they part and minutes later on the street they meet and just need a bed?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


impulse,
First welcome to Lit. I hope you will enjoy the stay and make more posts in the forums, stories, and poems.

As there were three stories which is considerably more then the normal one story post I did not whip out note pad and disect each story I just read them as open minded and got the basic feel for your style of writeing. So I will let others kill your grammer and some other nifty little mistakes that that some thrive on to point out. Reading feedback posted for other stories always makes me think when I am writing my next story, what other persons are thinking.

I always like to think Dr.M or K.M. or a like person is going to read it and tear me a new hole. So I try hard to be correct in many areas, but never for the sake of the true story.

I can see or at least from what you say you are not inexperienced but do need some refinement. Not the best writer but certainly better than quite a few.

One pattern I noticed is you want to jump to the sex so bad that you forget this is a story? Stories tell something! You told me almost everything I already knew, "Trust me, read a couple hundred more stories and you will know the sex scene too." The erotic part is the lead to the sex or between sex scenes and the sex scene climaxes the group of thoughts in most cases

You give titles and I almost question why? They hinder you not help. A title shoud describe the story or at least have meaning in the story. Teh title is the Flag the only thing that can make a first impression and if the reader clicks on it and yuck it is something else well the ones start flying. Along with a nasty-gram.

My Little Vampire Girl bad title it is nothing what I thought it would be and honestly if it was not posted here I would never select it to read (I don't like sci-fi).

Lisa & The Bet what bet? The half a sentence bet I did not vote on this one cause it would have been a one simply because I was expecting a "Bet" and was cheated out of that.

Lydia, Bridgette & Me That one was not bad but "me" is very generic but I understood it was a threesome thought it was girls only but who cares.


I will say you do a rather good job at getting the point across but need some adjustments. This would bring out your strong points and creative ideas much better.


Did you get all that? Good now press the erase button and use your own mind to improve your stories! I have my own to make a mess out of.

Phildo thinks you can do better if you take a little more time is all.

 

[A7inchPhildo]

I suppose I could be clearer with quotes. The second example was of a two peson dialogue. As it was a continuance, I thought repeating the "he said, she said" part would be redundant. In the first example, I relied upon the circumstance to explain. Our friend was the one in a begging situation. Lydia was my girlfriend.

I'll be more specific next time.

Be redundant if you need to be or change he/she to a name be very clear with quotes. Quotes can really make a story or kill a story. So easy to loose a reader with quotes that are not clear. In your mind you know who is talking the reader does not.

Holding a Phildo the man says to his girl,
"You like it?"
"Yea I like it!"
"You want it?"
"Yea I want it!"
They fight over possesion
"Give it to me!"
"No, I saw it first!"
"What are you going to do with it?"
"You will see."
"Oh, I see you can have it, I like this!"

Question: Who has the Phildo?

 

[impulse]

I think I might also be less burdened when writing a fictional story. As far as sexual encounters go, these were really exciting. However, if Bridgette stripped down to her underwear to bellydance, then that's how I wrote it. Not everyone was smooth.

The Bet. Hmm, true. I hadn't considered the implications of the title. The entire episode was predicated on a bet. It just so happens that the bet was a farce. The whole thing was odd.

Kisska. I did know that the title was somewhat misleading after I first posted it. It was just that the biting was what set the story apart from others. As far as the unusual interaction across the age barrier, what can I say. She was aggressive and self assured in outward appearance.


Next story will be less ladened with quotes. It will be fictional (though probably based on an "almost"). I will keep these tips in mind. Thank you.

PS- My writing is usually of an entirely non-sexual nature. I find this genre to be demanding. Concern for the quality of writing must, at times, be displaced by consideration for the demands of description. I have written things which I consider to be perfect. A sex story has yet to enter that realm. Maybe the next one.

 

[hiddenself]

A GB/Playground visitor?!

Welcome to the SF where the flames are hot. I read "Lydia, Bridgette & Me" and found it mediocre.

First of all, shouldn't it be "Lydia, Bridgette and I"? Unless you are using the incorrect pronoun as part of a writing style (and there is no indication in the story's body that that's the case), you start off with a grammar mistake. Not good.

In general, your writing is not exactly ready for prime time. Your sentences are choppy, do not flow, do not tie in with each other.

"Lydia was my girlfriend" -- period.
"Bridgette had expressed interest" -- period.
"I was into that idea" -- period.
See what I mean? It is like a simple listing of events or actions. No blending. And it goes on like this through the whole story.

The whole story is awkward and sloppy. It looks as if you just threw the damned thing on paper in one rushed sitting and then never bothered to read it through. Examples?

"Ohhh, I wanna fuck you both so bad.". At this point she was standing. I got up at this point to speak to her a in a little less charged manner.

Read it aloud and you'll see:
At this point. At this point.
to her a in

raised my eyebrow in an inquisitive gesture.

I don't think that raising an eyebrow counts as a "gesture."

authoratively

authoritatively

It was if Bridgette was our sex toy

It was as if Bridgette was [were] our sex toy

Consider: if the writer does not respect the reader enough to do some basic proofreading, why should the reader respect the writer enough to bother with the story?

OK. On to the sex scenes. These were pretty decently done, although some parts did confuse me (I found myself saying 'huh?' at a couple of instances). But the pacing was good and your descriptions did convey the sexual tension of the trio. Story intro and ending were pretty weak, but the body was a good stroke writeup.

Dialogue also helped tremendously. Dialogue is good. Dialogue is your friend. Occasionally it was stilted and occasionally it was confusing (who was saying what). But all in all, it enhanced the sex scenes. On the other hand, the terrible punctuation in dialogue was very distracting:

"Can I come sit with you guys?", she asked.
The comma is superfluous.

"Umm, OK", answered Lydia.
The comma inside the quotes: "Umm, OK," answered Lydia.

"Ohhh, I wanna fuck you both so bad.".
Two periods?! Lose the second one.

Simple rules:
i. Dialogue always ends with a punctuation mark inside the quotes -- comma if sentence continues, period if not.
ii. If dialogue ends with another punctuation mark (eg, questionmark), there is no need for further punctuation (ie, comma or period) after it.

See "How to Punctuate Like a Pro" by KillerMuffin:
http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=79818&page=1

All in all, it was a mediocre story that could have been better if you had taken the time to proof, edit, and read it aloud. The fact that a story is (or is based on) a real event does not automatically make it a great read, no matter how meaningful the real event was for you. In fact, many true stories are difficult to write about because the writer is so invested in them (so he/she needs to work doubly hard on the writeup).

Oh, and finally, your ending, and particularly your last line ("I will never forget those girls as long as I live.") is awful -- a beginner's cliched mistake. If your story is good enough, we'll get that point. If it's not, you are not going to convince us by that statement. Either way, it's annoying and offputting.

 

[impulse]

Fair enough. I have actually corrected myself on the punctuation mistakes since the writing of that story. I have posted it a number of times since. I suppose I would do well to correct that for future postings. Fortunately, I have no pre-written stories left. The next will be new. You should check out the other two. As there are fewer parties in each, the quoting is less confusing.

The original title was "A Day with Lydia, Bridgette and Me", making "Me' an object. I thought "A Day With" was cheesy. I just lopped it off. Your points illustrate to me that I must take more care. Originally, these stories were just posts on a forum. A statement such as "I will never forget these girls as long as I live" is actually the FIRST thought I had upon beginning to recount the adventure.

Check out the other two. They seem to have accumulated a higher rating than this one... despite this having two girls. I did thro it onto paper in one sitting, but I did read it back.

Oh well, the critique is surprisingly honest and thorough. On other sites, I just get calls for more. LIke I said, I'm not in the little pond anymore.