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[An Awful Cad]

Just posted a new story about a week ago, called The Favor. It's had a fair number of views and the scores are okay, but not one single comment, either public or private.

It's the story of a man with a hard-on and a sleepy wife. He sets out to arouse and seduce her by means of an erotic story. He regales her with the tale of a pregnant neighbor and the sexy favor she asks of him.

Is it really that bland? Are people not reading through to the end?

I would greatly appreciate some insight from my fellow literoticians as to why this might be happening. General comments about the story are welcome too.

Here's the link: The Favor

Thanks in advance
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[Jenny_Jackson]

Well, where do I begin? The opening paragraph (a) does nothing for the story and (b) does not do much to attract the reader.

The story idea was good, but I think you needed to think about how the story should go together. The problem I had was, I got half way through the story before it actually started. The entire first half is wasted words.

A story begins with an action. The characters interact and move along, emotionally, physically or spiritually to and ending. Do these characters learn anything? Are they better off because of the actions? Have they moved on with their lives? Or is this just a viginette of a rant about what a hot dude the protagonist is? You answer those questions and you will know why you aren't getting the votes.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I agree with Jenny. A story needs a kicking off point where something, however trivial, disturbs the humdrum, everyday life. There is then a series of events that culminates in a conclusion.

Your story tries too hard to replicate real peoples' lives.

 

[damppanties]

Let's start at the beginning. Your title isn't anything unusual and neither is your story category, so you'll have to work harder with the opening. Frankly, I didn't find the opening interesting. I found it a little dragging, probably because I'm reading about another couple through the dialogue of your main character. It's just like hearing about someone you don't know and how sometimes you just tune out if the story gets too long? I think that's what happened here. I started enjoying the story only when it reached the part where the narrator starts kissing Kim.

Another thing. I thought the narrator met Bob and Kim while they were out walking their dog? But then, in the middle of the sex in the story, you tell me Kim's inside, sitting on a chair. Either I missed them going back home, or you didn't tell me. In my head they were till outside, and I got confused when you told me Kim was sitting on a chair when he was eating her out. Threw me out of the story.

Some nitpicks:
Most of your dialogue is nice, but the descriptions of the couple were a bit too much for me, especially Bob's. The narrator uses the word 'accessorizes' when describing the male. Who does that really?

'steaming crotch'? Steaming?

'sloshing canal'? Isn't sloshing a bit much?

'my rampant prick jutted up like a beacon'. Too much.

The blowjob has too many creative adjectives - 'pulsing tool', 'rampant prong', 'plump lips', 'sweet plump lips', 'warm, wet mouth', etc.

And 'churning her saliva'?

I liked the end. A good little twist.

Your story is good, but not exceptional. Add to that, the usual category, weak title and weak beginning and I can see why you're not getting a lot of feedback. Hope this helps.

edit: Wow! Two people replied while I was writing this post!

 

[An Awful Cad]

Jenny, thanks for the comments.

So it sounds like you and Elfin are saying that there are no comments because the story wasn't engaging, and it wasn't engaging because it got off to a slow start. So I'm curious what exactly was the starting point of the story for you? You say that you got half way through the story before it actually started. Is it when the sex kicks in?
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[Jenny_Jackson]

Jenny, thanks for the comments.

So it sounds like you and Elfin are saying that there are no comments because the story wasn't engaging, and it wasn't engaging because it got off to a slow start. So I'm curious what exactly was the starting point of the story for you? You say that you got half way through the story before it actually started. Is it when the sex kicks in?
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It really has to do with the structure of the story. As mentioned above, you have your character "I" telling a story. It's rather like listening to some guy telling a long, boring story in a bar. The whole beginning should have been scrapped. The story starts where the internal story begins. Everything before that is irrelevant because it doesn't do anything to move the story along.

You are trying to do too much in a short story. You can only have one plot line, two or three main characters and a limited number of background characters. That's all the room you have to get the story read in a single 15 or 20 minute sitting.

This is what I do - I pound a story out in draft of, say, 7000-7500 words. Then I sit down and delete everything that doesn't need to be there - words, phrases, sentences, paragraphs, often times entire scenes. That cuts the story in half. That's the point I work from.

Then I look at the first paragraph. I want that paragraph to reach out and grab the reader by the balls. It should be interesting. It should be "letter perfect." And it should be a short lead-in, capture of what the story is about.

For Example -

"This is what I did on my summer vacation." BARF!!!

"Wendy couldn't help but notice the bulge in my pants as I stared at her heaving tits." Much better.

Does that all make sense?

 

[An Awful Cad]

Damppanties (can I call you DP?) et al.,

Thanks for the input. Much appreciated. I am certainly regretting my choice of category and short description. They don't exactly give the reader much idea of what to expect in the story.

In response to a couple of specific questions you asked,

Another thing. I thought the narrator met Bob and Kim while they were out walking their dog? But then, in the middle of the sex in the story, you tell me Kim's inside, sitting on a chair. Either I missed them going back home, or you didn't tell me. In my head they were till outside, and I got confused when you told me Kim was sitting on a chair when he was eating her out. Threw me out of the story.

He returns to their house about 1/3 of the way down the first page:

"so they invite me back to their place for a drink. It's just around the corner. Ordinarily I wouldn't have accepted, but I was just about to turn around and head home. They seemed like an interesting couple, so I went along."

Most of your dialogue is nice, but the descriptions of the couple were a bit too much for me, especially Bob's. The narrator uses the word 'accessorizes' when describing the male. Who does that really?

Here in Hollywood, 30-something entertainment industry professionals most definitely accessorize. Many are even full-on Metrosexuals.

 

[AsylumSeeker]

The writers I'm helping have been helped so I have time to assist if you'd like. I'm a simple guy and not into fashion, but I know erotica and am fairly well versed in its use. PM me with your next effort if you'd like, and an email address to return it to (colors don't show up if I send it back via PM). I'm a writer as well, so not only can I edit, I can also offer plot, dialog, and sexual description assistance.

Or not. The offer is there.

Good luck regardless. I think its important for someone that wants to write, gets their idea(s) out there.

 

[An Awful Cad]

The writers I'm helping have been helped so I have time to assist if you'd like.

I appreciate the offer. I'm not very prolific - only one or two stories a year - but finding a volunteer editor can be quite difficult, so I might take you up on it if the offer is still there next time I post a story.
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[damppanties]

Damppanties (can I call you DP?) et al.,

Thanks for the input. Much appreciated. I am certainly regretting my choice of category and short description. They don't exactly give the reader much idea of what to expect in the story.

You can call me whatever you want. (I prefer Dampy though )

You're welcome.

In response to a couple of specific questions you asked,

He returns to their house about 1/3 of the way down the first page:

"so they invite me back to their place for a drink. It's just around the corner. Ordinarily I wouldn't have accepted, but I was just about to turn around and head home. They seemed like an interesting couple, so I went along."

Thanks. Missed that.

Here in Hollywood, 30-something entertainment industry professionals most definitely accessorize. Many are even full-on Metrosexuals.

Mhmmm. It just struck me as off. Very subjective I suppose.

Good luck with your writing.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Jenny, thanks for the comments.

So it sounds like you and Elfin are saying that there are no comments because the story wasn't engaging, and it wasn't engaging because it got off to a slow start. So I'm curious what exactly was the starting point of the story for you? You say that you got half way through the story before it actually started. Is it when the sex kicks in?
.

There is a comment. Every author deserves a comment at least.

Perhaps Jenny or drk or someone could comment, but my thoughts, after re-reading are these.

- Erotic Couplings was probably the wrong category. There's not the appropriate level of rollercoaster sex for that audience. Perhaps Romance or even Fetish would have been better.

- There is a confusion between the reality of 'you' being in bed and the story you are relating. Think TV or movies, we voyeurs (sorry, readers/watchers) want to be there, invisibly watching events unfurl. If you lose the immediacy of the action we lose the tension.

- Really, youneed to look at the structure. It takes too long to get going (as a story, not sex) and the main characters change in midstream.

IMHO, this was not an appropriate story to use first person. In my view, you only use first person when you want to explore the mind of 'I'. Here, it was all concentrated on the partner.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Oops... wrong story... give me a minute

Ok... Yes, I agree with Elle. This story would have done better anyplace but, Erotic Couplings or Loving Wives Those groups tends to EXPECT what your story is and how it will come out.

I think I would have gone with Romance because this story doesn't fit the readers in EC. Yep yep.