Nipple story had no interest

[Bluegray]

I posted a "Nipple" story a few weeks ago and had very few viewings, as well as not too great reviews.
Does the subject not interest too many readers, or is my writing boring?

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=360519

 

[Guest]

I posted a "Nipple" story a few weeks ago and had very few viewings, as well as not too great reviews.
Does the subject not interest too many readers, or is my writing boring?

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=360519

I had a quick read; there's nothing technically wrong with your writing at all. I did find the end to be--you should pardon the expression--a bit of an anticlimax. I think you'd be better served using suggestive dialogue to titillate and maintain the reader's interest.

Likewise, I found the hottest part of the story to be when they were shopping for the toys, rather than when they were playing with them.

Regarding the reads/comments issue: I don't read this category, so I'm guessing, but it seems to me that your story may be relatively tame for this niche. If I'm off-base, ignore this last.

 

[The_Fractal_King]

I liked it quite a bit. For such a short story the characters developed more than I expected.

There are a two places where you use a long string of periods for no apparent reason. I assume you were trying to mark a change of scene.

Didn't get that the narrator was a guy until halfway through. Perhaps that was intentional?

For some readers the description of them at the store may have gone on a bit too long compared to the actual sex. This might actually do better in Fetish where the reading audience would be into the nipple play enough to enjoy reading the desciption of how everything works.

 

[Bluegray]

I had a quick read; there's nothing technically wrong with your writing at all. I did find the end to be--you should pardon the expression--a bit of an anticlimax. I think you'd be better served using suggestive dialogue to titillate and maintain the reader's interest.

Likewise, I found the hottest part of the story to be when they were shopping for the toys, rather than when they were playing with them.

Regarding the reads/comments issue: I don't read this category, so I'm guessing, but it seems to me that your story may be relatively tame for this niche. If I'm off-base, ignore this last.

I think you'd be better served using suggestive dialogue to titillate and maintain the reader's interest.

As you can tell dialogue is not my strong point, I' working on it.

Thanks for the comments!

 

[manyeyedhydra]

Seems fine but didn't really make an impact on me.

It felt a little closed off as a story, especially with the first person perspective. I didn't know the characters and the narrator didn't really introduce them. The writing lacked a little oomph. Unless the reader also shares the same excitement about nipples it's going to be hard to hold their interest.

 

[Bluegray]

I liked it quite a bit. For such a short story the characters developed more than I expected.

There are a two places where you use a long string of periods for no apparent reason. I assume you were trying to mark a change of scene.

Didn't get that the narrator was a guy until halfway through. Perhaps that was intentional?

For some readers the description of them at the store may have gone on a bit too long compared to the actual sex. This might actually do better in Fetish where the reading audience would be into the nipple play enough to enjoy reading the desciption of how everything works.

I did not intend to keep the gender of the narrator in suspense, I guess I need an editor!
The....s are silly
Thanks

 

[Bluegray]

Seems fine but didn't really make an impact on me.

It felt a little closed off as a story, especially with the first person perspective. I didn't know the characters and the narrator didn't really introduce them. The writing lacked a little oomph. Unless the reader also shares the same excitement about nipples it's going to be hard to hold their interest.

As you can tell by the previous comments, I clearly did not reread this submission with a critical eye. I have to do a better job of building the characters.
You are all very helpful.
Thanks

 

[Bluegray]

I'd love to get some more feedback, and maybe a suggestion of an editor for my new compositions.

 

[where]

Seems fine but didn't really make an impact on me.

It felt a little closed off as a story, especially with the first person perspective. I didn't know the characters and the narrator didn't really introduce them. The writing lacked a little oomph. Unless the reader also shares the same excitement about nipples it's going to be hard to hold their interest.

what manyeyed said. I like your stories and often get sucked into them but this one didn't do it for me, sorry. I think it's the subject rather than the writing...