Nineteen-Year-Old Ramblings

[brightlyiburn]

You know, sometimes you just got to get something off your chest. And I do.
I feel like I'm invisible. Since the polls went up, no one has so much as acknowledged my presence.
For most of my life, I've felt like a ghost. There's never been one place that I actually fit in. I would have thought that here, with other writers, I would fit in. But I don't. There's always someone or something to remind me that I'm young and I'm new here. That's two strikes against me that shouldn't be. I would think the people here would like to encourage the young and the new, but honestly, that's not what I see. It seems to me as though the real support is thrown behind the people who have been here longest.
If there was one thing I didn't expect when I began posting my stories online, it was that people wouldn't like them simply because I'm only nineteen. At my age, having talent should be a gift, but it feels like a burden.
I didn't come to Literotica to win contests. I didn't even realize there was contests until I won one. I came here to write. And when I was asked to come to the AH, I thought it was because I, like all of you, am a writer. But unlike all of you, when I'm here, I'm 19 first, then a writer.
And it isn't just that I'm 19. I'm also competition. I can understand why it might rankle to have someone half your age as competition, but that doesn't make it right. That doesn't make it right to disregard the fact that I too am a writer.
I'm seriously considering contacting Laurel and having her take my name out of the polls. I don't want to deal with this. I don't want to be better than anyone else. I don't want to win awards. All I want is to write my stories and share them with other people.
Maybe I'm just being 19. But then, I am. My mom says that because of my Aspergers, people don't often see the side of me that's human. Maybe she's right. But I am human and I do get hurt. People might say I shouldn't let it bother me, but this is where I'm supposed to belong, and I don't. That does bother me. It bothers me that I don't get any respect for my work because of my age.
That's just how I feel. And sometimes you have to say how you feel. If nothing else, at least I feel better having said it.

 

[minsue]

Brightly, I haven't seen the posts you're referring to and I had no idea of your age. I don't particularly think age matters in the least. Having gone straight to full-time work in an office immediately upon graduating from high school, I can empathize with the impotent frustration at being judged solely by your age rather than by your intelligence and skill. I am sorry that's happened to you here.

 

[DrFreud]

Brightly,
being both young and new to this board, I can certainly identify with some of what you said. However I have never felt that people especially old-timers have purposely tried to hurt or put down a newbie. You have to understand that it takes time to get people to know you better so don't expect people to jump in joy just because you've blessed them with your presence.
You said that you feel that in real life people don't understand you, so you can imagine that it is even less likely that your "virtual" persona will reflect your inner self.

Another thing I noticed, is that you mostly post to the AH when you're pissed about something. Try to make an effort and join the fun threads, make fun of yourself, be silly, say a nice thing to someone else... You might be trying to do all these things and not being acknowledged but you shouldn't give up and try to hide behind "people think i'm invisible excuse".

Finally, please do me a favor and nail that "cute" guy at the hardware store. I am sure that a smart girl like you can certainly figure out how to grab his attention

Keep churning out these good stories. I certainly appreciate your efforts.

Good luck and have fun.

DrF

 

[neonlyte]

Brightly
Don't be too harsh on yourself.

You have a great collection of stories, an avid readership and you are enjoying considerable success within the scope of Lit. You want to write and this is a great place to test your writing skills.

You've made an attempt to move away from Romance catagory, in other words you want to extend the depth and content of your writing. No other place that I know allows the opportunity for experimentation with guaranteed readership to test your skills. The trick is to learn, develop and push your writing to the point where you gain confidence to push beyond the boundaries of Lit.

You might want to consider submitting something to the Story Discussion Circle, you will receive honest critical feedback from skilled writers whose only ambition is to improve the craft of writing for others and themselves. It carries a penalty, you have to crit the work of others, most who participate find the effort rewarding, honest criticism works both ways, you see your own writing clearer.

If the age issue bothers you, remove your age details, I've never given your age a thought, it's immaterial, content counts, not age.

neonlyte

 

[BlackShanglan]

Agreed. Brightly, the AH tends to go in cycles, and people themselves tend to post in cycles. I've been quiet lately because I'm buried under work, and have had less to say to everyone about everything.

I tend to agree with DrFreud (which seems like a good thing) - this sounds more like a sign of who and where you are than what's going on in the AH. I actually mean that encouragingly - that is, I haven't seen anything that suggests to me that people are ignoring you or that they know or judge what age you are. They're just busy people with busy lives, and so sometimes they post and sometimes they don't.

I seem to remember some posts rather like this a month or so back - the same issues about whether new posters were made to feel welcome. There is no real "welcoming committee," and yes, it does take time to make friends and meet new people. The best way for that to happen is to be outgoing - which I think you have been - and to accept that pretty much everyone has more posts than responses thereto. It's the nature of the beast. We're all writers, we all like to talk, and yet we're all busy people as well. There's a bit more talking than listening going on, but that's true for everyone.

But don't despair. If you hang around for a while, then you too, like me, can start having people ignore you on purpose

Shanglan

 

[rikaaim]

To be pefectly honest Brightly, I never posted a response to you because I thought you were above me. I don't know why. I just thought that you were better than me. I tend to do that a lot. I can completely relate to what you say. I felt invisible just the other night when I completely dumped on the isolated blurt thread. I threw myself out there in the hopes that someone would catch me. Even if it was just a, "Hey man, you okay?" I didn't even get that. I haven't read your stories because I've been too busy on my own. I try to get mine just right and that takes a lot of tweaking in my mind. I'm only 23. I just turned 23. I didn't even allow myself to write until a few months ago. I thought it was all a pipe dream and thought that if I couldn't make money at it, I shouldn't even bother with it. I love to write. It motivates me and fulfills me. If you ever want to share story ideas or just a shoulder to lean on, someone who can understand what you're going through, just contact me. I have PM of course, but also active is my Yahoo IM and my e-mail. Seriously. I'll be more than happy to listen and try to help wherever I can.

 

[rikaaim]

The best way for that to happen is to be outgoing - which I think you have been - and to accept that pretty much everyone has more posts than responses thereto. It's the nature of the beast. We're all writers, we all like to talk, and yet we're all busy people as well. There's a bit more talking than listening going on, but that's true for everyone.



Shanglan

It also helps to make friends when you read their 42,000 word draft that eventually got an E. Right?

 

[BlackShanglan]

It also helps to make friends when you read their 42,000 word draft that eventually got an E. Right?

*nuzzle*

You know it does, Pasha.

Sorry to miss you on the blurt thread. I very rarely read it. Hang in there, beauteous one.

Shanglan

 

[rikaaim]

*nuzzle*

You know it does, Pasha.

Sorry to miss you on the blurt thread. I very rarely read it. Hang in there, beauteous one.

Shanglan

I do have Katie and Alex to keep me company. I'm trying very very hard not to get burned out and just rush the end. I'm stalling I know, but I don't want it to be abrupt. You've always been a good friend and companion Shanglan. I appreciate it always.

 

[brightlyiburn]

To be pefectly honest Brightly, I never posted a response to you because I thought you were above me. I don't know why. I just thought that you were better than me. I tend to do that a lot. I can completely relate to what you say. I felt invisible just the other night when I completely dumped on the isolated blurt thread. I threw myself out there in the hopes that someone would catch me. Even if it was just a, "Hey man, you okay?" I didn't even get that. I haven't read your stories because I've been too busy on my own. I try to get mine just right and that takes a lot of tweaking in my mind. I'm only 23. I just turned 23. I didn't even allow myself to write until a few months ago. I thought it was all a pipe dream and thought that if I couldn't make money at it, I shouldn't even bother with it. I love to write. It motivates me and fulfills me. If you ever want to share story ideas or just a shoulder to lean on, someone who can understand what you're going through, just contact me. I have PM of course, but also active is my Yahoo IM and my e-mail. Seriously. I'll be more than happy to listen and try to help wherever I can.

At my towering height of five foot three, I'm not above too many people.
That's why I think of people as different, rather than better or worse. Although admittedly I do the same thing sometimes.
I'll keep that in mind, though. I've had this idea for an Erotic Horror story recently and I'm having some trouble finding someone who can give me an opinion. Phoo.

DrFreud, I'm working on it! I went to check out the theater club...my poor cute guy works, goes to school, and goes to theater club until 10 every single day. Ah, a hard working man is so damn sexy. If I can't get hold of him there, my sister needs something from the hardware store anyway.

 

[rikaaim]

At my towering height of five foot three, I'm not above too many people.
That's why I think of people as different, rather than better or worse. Although admittedly I do the same thing sometimes.
I'll keep that in mind, though. I've had this idea for an Erotic Horror story recently and I'm having some trouble finding someone who can give me an opinion. Phoo.

DrFreud, I'm working on it! I went to check out the theater club...my poor cute guy works, goes to school, and goes to theater club until 10 every single day. Ah, a hard working man is so damn sexy. If I can't get hold of him there, my sister needs something from the hardware store anyway.

Ask anyone around; I am more than willing to give a draft reading of any piece. I hope Shanglan doesn't mind, but I often, well twice, say that I read Will before it was posted just so people know that I take that role seriously and always try to offer my best help. Knowing that Will is a longer story I also feel it helps people know that I'm not scared to take on a good read or a challenge. I also tend to help people a lot so that I can have the favor returned when I need it. Admittedly it's a bit shelfish, but I like to think of it as teamwork.

 

[sweetnpetite]

When you first showed up I recognized the name because I had heard you (your work) praised here on the AH. I don't rember who or if it was one or more than one person, but I had a good impression of you before you even came here.

That being said, there are so many new faces lately, I can hardly keep up- not to mention it seems like I'm just noticing people who've been around forever! [don't tell them!] I'd also like to say that sometimes i feel invisible here too, which is odd because I know that I'm well loved because I've seen so many times were people here have stuck up for me and said how well loved I am! But you know, you post something and noone replies and you think- why didn't anyone reply to my post! Sometimes it's like shouting in a crowded room. YOu just get drowned out. Or people here you, maybe they even like what you say, but they just don't have anything to add. {I get that a lot when I post something really thoughtful for discussion. Sometimes it's better to start a really open ended thread about nothing- and watch it take off!}

When I first came here, I started an awful lot of threads! (I still do) don't be shy it's a great way to get some attention (for a minute before your thread is totally hijacked) Start them about stuff on the news, shows you hate or love, what you are eating, odd things that come to you. Just don't start one with lists (trust me on this)-- at least not lists of People here on LIt (OR AH) Starting one about Aspergers Syndrom might be intersting. (If you don't overwealm people w/ too much info at once)

Start a handful of threads and somebody will respond to one of them. I feel like I know a little bit more about you now and am more interested. As long as all of your posts aren't angry and scornful. (to be blunt)

I hope that something I typed here will be helpful to you, and you'll bounce right in and let us get to know you.

 

[tolyk]

Brightly, I don't think anyone here judges you on your age. Like Rika I am also only 23 years old, and that really isn't much difference. The fact that you think everyone judges you on your age is a slight annoyance. You are the one doing it, not everyone else. Almost every post I've read by you, you mention somewhere about your age, stop it. Relax and just post for shits and gigles, etc.

And it isn't just that I'm 19. I'm also competition. I can understand why it might rankle to have someone half your age as competition, but that doesn't make it right. That doesn't make it right to disregard the fact that I too am a writer.

That has got to be one of the most pretentious comments I've seen in a long time. Things like that might be part of why you are 'invisible'. Again, RELAX, stop taking yourself so seriously.

 

[stingray61]

Sorry brightly but I find myself too busy correcting other people here who relish in taking my words out of context to read your stories. A lot of people here do see you as competition I am sure, and a lot of people here seem to be very egotistical and would only say something negative because they know with more competition there is a higher chnace of them not being able to cut it.

Don't let what others say or think about you stop you, try to consider it a challenge to overcome rather than a put down about how good you are.
All great writers and artists have negative critics and if you really want to be in that world then it's good for you to learn how to deal with that at an early age.

The only way your age can truly affect your work is to bring a fresh perspective to it that will become, in time, highly helpful to you, and appreciated by others.

Best of luck.

 

[English Lady]

Brightly, many people have felt like you do. I have felt it myself at times and you know what I discovered? I was making myself feel out of it. I was doing it not anyone around here. Just keep joining in, maybe start some threads of your own and join in as much as you can in a variety of threads...or if you feel you need it take a break and come back with a more positive frame of mind

 

[scheherazade_79]

Hi, Brightly

Hope you're in better spirits.

The AH is a fantastic place with a lot of fantastic people, but it's also a microcosm of the world in general. I don't think it does to put too many expectations on the AH - just as it never pays to put too many expectations on life in general.

I get the odd day on the AH when I feel like the Invisible Woman, but sometimes life's like that. You just have to keep telling yourself that it won't always be that way.

People here were nice to me when I joined, but it took ages before I actually felt a part of things - and I still get days when I don't quite feel that way. It's like life - you get days when you feel like a celebrity, and other days when you begin wondering if everyone has forgotten you exist. You just have to take the rough with the smooth, and on days when it feels like people have forgotten about you, just make sure that you're super nice to yourself - buy some nice chocolate fudge cake, take a bath, rent your favourite movie etc. etc.

I think you've reached a stage in life when it's time to figure out who you are. So far you've defined yourself by your age, your medical condition and your job / main hobby. I'm sure there's more to you than that, Brightly. A lot of the reason people don't respond to every single post a newbie puts up is that sometimes they just don't feel like they know them well enough. So it's up to you to make yourself known. Both writing and the AH are great places to work out who you really are. So make the most of the opportunity and keep your chin up!

 

[davidwatts]

You know, sometimes you just got to get something off your chest. And I do.
I feel like I'm invisible. Since the polls went up, no one has so much as acknowledged my presence.
For most of my life, I've felt like a ghost. There's never been one place that I actually fit in. I would have thought that here, with other writers, I would fit in. But I don't. There's always someone or something to remind me that I'm young and I'm new here. That's two strikes against me that shouldn't be. I would think the people here would like to encourage the young and the new, but honestly, that's not what I see. It seems to me as though the real support is thrown behind the people who have been here longest.
If there was one thing I didn't expect when I began posting my stories online, it was that people wouldn't like them simply because I'm only nineteen. At my age, having talent should be a gift, but it feels like a burden.
I didn't come to Literotica to win contests. I didn't even realize there was contests until I won one. I came here to write. And when I was asked to come to the AH, I thought it was because I, like all of you, am a writer. But unlike all of you, when I'm here, I'm 19 first, then a writer.
And it isn't just that I'm 19. I'm also competition. I can understand why it might rankle to have someone half your age as competition, but that doesn't make it right. That doesn't make it right to disregard the fact that I too am a writer.
I'm seriously considering contacting Laurel and having her take my name out of the polls. I don't want to deal with this. I don't want to be better than anyone else. I don't want to win awards. All I want is to write my stories and share them with other people.
Maybe I'm just being 19. But then, I am. My mom says that because of my Aspergers, people don't often see the side of me that's human. Maybe she's right. But I am human and I do get hurt. People might say I shouldn't let it bother me, but this is where I'm supposed to belong, and I don't. That does bother me. It bothers me that I don't get any respect for my work because of my age.
That's just how I feel. And sometimes you have to say how you feel. If nothing else, at least I feel better having said it.

Now I'm confused.

As for myself, I don't pay much attention to what or who anyone claims to be here. I even assume half the people that claim to be women here aren't, so the age listed and everything else that people claim to be means even less to me. The only sure truth is the writing, and in the end it's all that really matters.

As for these polls you refer to, I can't tell whether they matter to you or not, since you seem to present both views in your post. Of course some people that have been here for awhile have greater and more loyal followings than people like yourself (or myself). Some people also come from other sites and bring their fans with them. I see no real difference in the end.

You seem to have a sizeable following that drawfs that of most writers that have been here from the beginning, so I feel your sense of being ignored may be less than accurate. If you feel that your posts do not get answered a lot, join the club, but I think that's part of the game. Threads are fleeting glimpses that often fly past everyone. I've killed more threads than anyone, I'd bet, but I really don't take it personally.

Anyway, like any other election, the early results are not neccessarily an indication of the final outcome.

Many people do not feel that such competition among artists has any merit, but I think that most people enjoy it for what it is. I would consider the nomination alone to be validation enough, were I ever so honored. I would also hazard a guess that 99% of the people that write and read here won't even vote, or even look at the polls. I know I won't vote in most categories because I haven't read all the stories in them, and probably won't have time to, making an honest vote impossible.

In a couple of months, the only people that will remember who won these polls will be the folks that won them. It's also safe to say that the unsuspecting winners will then get trolled without mercy, if the Valentine's contest is any indication.

As long as we are relatively happy with our work. and enjoy doing it, isn't that all that should really matter? The rest is mostly window dressing.

 

[impressive]

Hi, hun. Take a deep breath.

If age is an issue for you, stop mentioning it. In fact, why did you even mention it in the first place? People here only know what you tell them -- and even then it's greeted with a healthy dose of skepticism. (We've all encountered those who manufacture an identity for whatever reason.)

You do good work (and a LOT of it). You're proud of that work, obviously, and with good reason. You're also extraordinarily defensive about it. I'm not sure why. It would seem that that defensiveness extends to interpersonal interactions as well. I'm not sure why. (These are just observations -- not judgements.)

The AH is the best online community I've ever encountered. Really. The people here are warm and welcoming IF you are also warm and welcoming. You want help? Be helpful. You want friends? Be friendly. You want someone to flirt with you? Flirt with someone. You want readers that are also writers? Be a reader who's also a writer. You want feedback -- I mean "real" feedback, not the gushing "you are wonderful" stuff? Then give feedback. It's really quite simple in a "do unto others" kinda way.

BUT (and there's always a BUT), there will still be some people who don't respond to you -- for whatever reason. Don't take it personally. Not everyone is going to join the Kumba-Ya round.

Here's hoping that you find whatever it is you most desire.

~ Imp

 

[Liar]

I don't have anything really profound to add. Just that there's a handful of people here who are your age or a year or two older. I very seldom think of their age, and the only times I think of yours is because you explicitly reminds us of it. Which happens alot, mind you. I think that as long as you don't think it matters, noone else will.

I just don't see what you mean when you say you're being ignored either. I see you engaged in discussions on thrad after thread, always outspoken and well spoken, and I don't see that you get more or less replies than anyone else in general. That happens alot, I see from time to time how both newcomers and occacional older members lament over being marginalised, and every time it happens, I'm equally surprised. The only thing I can notice is that you sometimes come off as a bit confrontational, which might intimidate people from replying. Chill and kick back, put them feet up, have a nana and relax, and all will be a-ok.

 

[Guest]

 

[carsonshepherd]

Sweetie, I didn't respond to this thread when I first read it because I wanted to be sure I didn't post some off-the-cuff half-assed reply.

So many excellent points being made here. As davidwatts said - your work speaks for itself here, more clearly than any words or posts you might make. There is absolutely nothing in your words to imply you are 19... only that you keep saying it. You're making an issue of it and it's pretty irrelevant, except as something for you to be proud of. To be sucha good writer as you are at your age is impressive. It blows my mind to think how much further you can go with so much early talent.

Personally I think your "grumpy writer" persona is quite endearing. That's you. And people will embrace that once you're around a bit longer.

Starting the thread on Asbergers' is a great idea. It would teach a lot of us soemthing and maybe even help someone. I think most of us are very open to new people and new ideas, and this is a great place to find support, even for a newbie.

 

[TheEarl]

I've noticed you.

Don't know if that helps, but I have.

The Earl

 

[Randi Grail]

Another youngster here.

I don't post all that much, I tend to lurk most of the time, so I don't expect people to get to know me very well either. I haven't found that being younger affects people's view of me here. That could be because I don't think of myself as very young, and those who know me here knows that I have equal experiences and world views with the rest of them. The only drawback I find is the random shameless flirting PMs from total strangers who think they can "teach me things".

 

[Guest]

Brightly, my turn to get something off my chest now...

As Imp said, take a few deep breaths...

When you first came to my attention, it was via the threads where everyone was discussing nominations. I jumped in, AT YOUR DEFENSE.

In doing so, I manage to upset a very good friend of mine. Someone who means an awful lot to me.

In me be welcoming and friendly towards you, and by me standing up for your reputation, I pushed that friend away - someone I have been friends with here for almost a year.

How did you respond to me saying what I did, both to you and to her? You barely acknowledged it. I gave you some very high praise indeed (asked if you had thought about publishing, if I recall). Not one word of thanks from you.

To me, that felt like a slap round the face.

You were moaning and complaining about people getting you wrong, and jumping to conclusions about the voting. I thought they were being unfair on you, at the time, so I said so.

I did not expect such an offhand response from you, that's for sure.

Common courtesy extends to the internet, as well as real life.

You want friends? You want people to be friendly towards you? It works both ways, Brightly.

As for your age? That has fuck all to do with it. Don't try playing that card. I had no idea of your age, until you mentioned it about ten times in one day, after you'd already been here for a while.

It seems your age is more an issue for you than it is anyone else. Did you expect people (men?) to act differently towards you, because you are still in your teens?

Ok, that's me done. I am one of the friendliest, most welcoming people you could meet online. And I am that way until I am given reason to be otherwise.

All you had to do was lower yourself to respond to me in a friendly and more humble manner.

Never mind, eh?

Lou

 

[brightlyiburn]

I apologize, Tatelou. I didn't mean to offend you. I was not unappreciative, simply upset, and trying very hard not to think about the whole incident. In fact, I'm still trying not to.

tolyk, I've been writing for seven years. In that time, I've been told over and over that there's no way I could be talented at my age. I used to get so annoyed at my mom when she would mention my writing to someone else. People hear my mom say I'm talented and that just makes it worse, because they figure she only thinks that because she's my mom. Even the people who have at least read my work, rather than simply laughing in my face, end up so shocked that I can actually write. My English teachers have hated me because of my ability, and they should have encouraged me. It would be incredibly naive to believe that there aren't, and aren't going to be, people who disregard me because of my age. Especially considering how many of them I've met.

I hope this does not seem cruel or mean-spirited, but part of what your feeling may be related to it.

I don't disagree with you, Lime. I won't say that it's all in my head, because as I've said to tolyk, it isn't. But the Aspergers simply doesn't make things any easier. I'm at enough of a disadvantage when I'm speaking to people face to face. Online, limited to only text, I'm pretty screwed. And I've learned to function really well, for the most part, when I'm around other people, but I haven't found too many ways to adapt online.
You know that bewildering feeling when your SO is suddenly pissed off at you and you have no clue why? It's very much like that. Things don't always come out the way I intended them to, and most of the time I don't realize it. It's gotten better as I've gotten older but in some ways it's also gotten worse. As I'm aware of what the problem is, it should go that I can fix it, but most of the time I end up tripping over myself even worse.

Carson, that might be a good idea. I think maybe I'll do it later, when I'm more awake. Assuming my sister hasn't hijacked me to play video games. Oh, and you're at the top of my favorite person list now cause you said my "grumpy writer" persona is endearing.

I know I'm not the only one who has these moments. Thanks for understanding, guys.