Nikki aka Angel A+++
- Thread starter bamaluvr
- Start date
Nikki aka Angel
Virgin
- Joined
- Jun 20, 2002
- Posts
- 5
Thank you for the praise
Hi, just wanted to say thank you for the feedback and your kind comments. I'm glad you enjoy the stories. There are currently 5 submitted and I'm working on the 6th. Thanks again.
Hi, just wanted to say thank you for the feedback and your kind comments. I'm glad you enjoy the stories. There are currently 5 submitted and I'm working on the 6th. Thanks again.
G
Guest
Guest
I enjoyed your story
First of all, let me tell you that you are gifted. That much I'm sure. You are a wonderful story teller who has the ability to make your characters alive effortlessly. As much as I loved your story, however, I advice you to take a look at chapter three and the rest before submitting. You have much room to improve. You've got the talent to equal or better Wispersecret.
The use of [----] as oppose to ''----'' is innovative, but gramatically incorrect. I advice you to lose them, apart from the very first and the last use. i.e. the first two paragraph and the very last in which you remind the readers the whole chapter two, indeed, is a Dream.
In addition, you have a tendency to shift between present and past tense. Below is my attempt at editing. In the end, I was so confused that ended up using past tense.
[My Love, I have just gotten offline with you tonight. You make me happier than I've ever known. Your love and concern for my well being fills me like nothing else. We discussed how it would be, to be able to touch each other in real life. I teased you, telling you that with all the information I had about you, I could be in the same city as you without you ever knowing. You smiled your handsome smile and dared me to do just that.
Now as I lay down to sleep, my thoughts are filled with you and what that first meeting will be like that. My nude body comfortable between the cool sheets of my bed, satisfied by the loving and intense sex you have given to me tonight, I fall asleep so that I can meet you in my dreams. The only place we can meet for now, but just for now my Love...]
Oh my God, I couldn't believe it. I play the lottery every week since it's legal in the southern state I live next to. I won!! Me!! Not millions like some people in this state have won, but thousands!!(Lose the extra exclamation mark. Plus, winning thousands is fine but can one buy a house, redecorate and refurnish it, and buy a car? As a plot, winning lottery is weak.) What am I going to do with all this money? My mind racing about all the bills I can pay off and I think of my Love. I rush home to get online so that I can email you and tell you of my good luck. Thinking of all the things this money will enable me to do, I think of what I want most in this world. It hits me!! I want you Kevin, my Love!!
<snip>
</snip>
New dialogue, new paragraph.
You are concerned over my quietness and ask what is wrong? I tell you that I'm embarrassed because I am so turned on by you. You chuckle deep in your throat, making my pussy throb even more.
" Little one," you ask me, "do you require any assistance from me?"
"Yes, my Love," my voice quivers.
"What do you want angel?" I am quiet and you ask again, telling me that unless I ask, you can't help me.
"I want you my Love,(Fill stop) I want to hear you talk about having your hands on my body,(Same) I want to hear you tell me how bad you want to fuck my wet cunt and I need you to make me cum."
"Yes, angel, I want to do those things for you as well. Will you obey what I tell you to do(punctuation) to your hot little pussy?" you ask.
"Yes, oh yes my Love, I will," I whisper passionately.
<snip>
</snip>
As mentioned above, [----] should be ''----''. In addition, New dialogue, new paragraph!!!
[Is your pussy nice and wet for me angel?] Oh yes, it is so wet and so hot. [I want you to slide three fingers into your cunt and fuck it hard, put the phone down between your legs so that I can enjoy the sound of my little one fucking herself.] I feel as though I could cum right then, knowing you were stroking your hard cock, listening to my juicy pussy being pumped. After a few minutes, I put the phone back to my ear and ask if that was long enough? You tell me [yes my angel, do you want to cum for me? If so, beg me to allow this.]
<snip>
</snip>
[I want you to lay the phone down, close so that I can hear what you do and then I want you to begin strapping your beautiful ass, making sure that your lovely little cunt gets a few licks too](Is ''lick'' a BDSM term? Though I do understand what is meant, it seemed odd to come out of the heroine's mouth. She was a BDSM novice to start with, and many of the readers too. She learnt a little about BDSM through the Net, but most of the BDSM-novice readers haven't. Perhaps, it is a good idea to let the heroine explaine what she meant by ''licks'' in the chapter one.)
<snip>
and then book a flight for that evening or the next morning.
Has she not traveled already???
I am able to get a flight back that night, checked(tense slip) out, drove to the airport and return my rental car.
I'm a little confused. Did the heroine flew to where her man is to sort out her acomodation, checked out where her man works, and flew back South to pack her things up?
You think I am on vacation, while I am going to use this week to drive to my (hopefully soon, to be our) new house, unpack, buy whatever new furniture I needed, and get everything in its place.
Oh, Okey.
</snip>
I still had(tense) over half of my winnings left and had transferred it all to my new bank.
How much money did she win, exactly
The back lawn was very large and had a privacy fence all around it, but I wanted another iron fence around the pool to make it safer. I told him that I needed an estimate on the cost for him to have enough people working so that it was done in two weeks. He told me that wasn't a problem and gave me a good price. He started his people working on it immediately.
I decided to buy only the furniture I had to have right now. <snip>
This whole section, though detailed and beautifully written is unnecessary. Stick to the Play room only. The reader might tolerate it if this was a novella/novel, but not in BDSM category.</snip>I couldn't believe that I had finished all this and still had half my winnings left.
<snip>
Then I had a complete bikini wax from front to back,
Description of the process might excite the male audience
I took a very long bubble bath and shaved my legs and underarms.
I assume waxing was for genital area only? Oh, yeah. Bikini... Right.
</snip>
This is the most crutial and highly emotional part of the chapter. It can alternatively written thus:
My heart leaped into my throat when my cell phone rang. I picked it up, but had to clear my throat several times so that I could speak. You were very concerned and asked what was wrong. You said that you had called as soon as you had read my message. It was now or never and I knew I had to get a hold of myself.
''Do you trust me?''
''Yes of course I do angel, what is wrong?''
''Do you have a phone directory close?'' I asked. ''Would you look the number up for the hotel next to your work?''
I don't know what was going through your mind, maybe you thought I wanted to ask if I could come to you and wanted the number to make reservations. You sounded strange and puzzled when you told me that you had the number and asked if I wanted it.
My heart beating wildly, I answered, ''No my Love, I want you to call it and ask for room 205.''
There was silence on the phone for several seconds and finally you told me okay and hung up the phone.
My mind was thinking of all the possibilities of what you may be thinking, but I didn't have time to figure it out. In less than a minute the hotel phone rang. I picked it up and said as calmly as I could, ''Hello my Love.'' Again, silence on the phone.
When you spoke, I still couldn't determine what you were thinking or feeling. You said, ''It seems as though my angel has decided to fly close to her Love.''
''Yes Sir, she did.''
''What does your angel wish for her Love to do?''
''I wish for you to come to me right now if you can. Come to room 205 and walk through the unlocked door without knocking.''
I thought I could here laughter in your voice when you asked, ''Does my angel has any other instructions?''
I told you no. After you arrived, I would be following my Love's instructions. Then you hung up the phone.
<snip>
</snip>
Knowing I deserved what you had decided, I got up to get dressed. You watched me closely as I opened by(my?) suitcase, taking out clothes to wear home. You asked me if I should go ahead and call the airlines to book a flight and I told you yes. My heart was heavy as I walked to the phone, looked up the number and started to dial. "Do you understand why?" you asked me and I told you yes. "Do you still love me?" you asked and I turned to look you into your eyes and told you without a doubt I did love you.
<snip>
</snip>
With my chest almost in your face, I removed my hands, slowly rubbing my breasts down your neck(Punc or ''and'') on your chest as I bent down. When I began to rise back up, you put your hands on my shoulders bringing one of my tits to your face. I moaned as your mouth covered my nipple and began sucking me deeply into your mouth. Your hands reached up to pull the clip from my hair, causing it to tumble down over my shoulders as you ran your hands through it.
I watched as you got up and walked over to the bed, popping(???) me on my bare ass as you walked by, making my pussy quiver.
I did as you asked and you took one wrist(punc) securing it to one corner of the bed(,) and then(Some would advice you to lose 'then'.)the same with the other. Then you told me to spread my legs and tied each of them to the opposite corners.
The longer you made me lay there, the hotter I became. When the flogger struck my body, I wondered at my choice of toys(Why?).
I know I was covered in chill(''goose'' is more conventional) bumps as you kissed all the way back up my body and then up each arm, untying each of them.
You rose and leaned down to kiss me, the taste of me on your mouth(I find ''lips'' sexier.) making me crazy.
Unable to look away, we looked into each other's soul as I felt you push yourself inside me, burying yourself completely in my love.
A little corny.
When the first orgasm started to hit me, I can't(tense shift) stop myself from digging my nails into you. I started screaming "I love you." My pussy clenched against your thrusting cock over and over again, trying to draw you deeper inside me. Your hands tightened on my legs and I watched you in the throes of your own orgasm, your handsome face contorting with the overwhelming feelings as you slowed down your thrusting, but started moving in and out slower, only now stabbing hard into my pulsing cunt, our bodies smacking loudly together.
[I awaken and stretch pleasantly, smiling to myself and thinking, "I can't wait to describe this dream to my Love. I wonder what he will say about my "resourcefulness." Realizing how wet my pussy is, I close my eyes and begin to imagine your hands as I reflect on my latest dream...]
CV
First of all, let me tell you that you are gifted. That much I'm sure. You are a wonderful story teller who has the ability to make your characters alive effortlessly. As much as I loved your story, however, I advice you to take a look at chapter three and the rest before submitting. You have much room to improve. You've got the talent to equal or better Wispersecret.
The use of [----] as oppose to ''----'' is innovative, but gramatically incorrect. I advice you to lose them, apart from the very first and the last use. i.e. the first two paragraph and the very last in which you remind the readers the whole chapter two, indeed, is a Dream.
In addition, you have a tendency to shift between present and past tense. Below is my attempt at editing. In the end, I was so confused that ended up using past tense.
[My Love, I have just gotten offline with you tonight. You make me happier than I've ever known. Your love and concern for my well being fills me like nothing else. We discussed how it would be, to be able to touch each other in real life. I teased you, telling you that with all the information I had about you, I could be in the same city as you without you ever knowing. You smiled your handsome smile and dared me to do just that.
Now as I lay down to sleep, my thoughts are filled with you and what that first meeting will be like that. My nude body comfortable between the cool sheets of my bed, satisfied by the loving and intense sex you have given to me tonight, I fall asleep so that I can meet you in my dreams. The only place we can meet for now, but just for now my Love...]
Oh my God, I couldn't believe it. I play the lottery every week since it's legal in the southern state I live next to. I won!! Me!! Not millions like some people in this state have won, but thousands!!(Lose the extra exclamation mark. Plus, winning thousands is fine but can one buy a house, redecorate and refurnish it, and buy a car? As a plot, winning lottery is weak.) What am I going to do with all this money? My mind racing about all the bills I can pay off and I think of my Love. I rush home to get online so that I can email you and tell you of my good luck. Thinking of all the things this money will enable me to do, I think of what I want most in this world. It hits me!! I want you Kevin, my Love!!
<snip>
</snip>
New dialogue, new paragraph.
You are concerned over my quietness and ask what is wrong? I tell you that I'm embarrassed because I am so turned on by you. You chuckle deep in your throat, making my pussy throb even more.
" Little one," you ask me, "do you require any assistance from me?"
"Yes, my Love," my voice quivers.
"What do you want angel?" I am quiet and you ask again, telling me that unless I ask, you can't help me.
"I want you my Love,(Fill stop) I want to hear you talk about having your hands on my body,(Same) I want to hear you tell me how bad you want to fuck my wet cunt and I need you to make me cum."
"Yes, angel, I want to do those things for you as well. Will you obey what I tell you to do(punctuation) to your hot little pussy?" you ask.
"Yes, oh yes my Love, I will," I whisper passionately.
<snip>
</snip>
As mentioned above, [----] should be ''----''. In addition, New dialogue, new paragraph!!!
[Is your pussy nice and wet for me angel?] Oh yes, it is so wet and so hot. [I want you to slide three fingers into your cunt and fuck it hard, put the phone down between your legs so that I can enjoy the sound of my little one fucking herself.] I feel as though I could cum right then, knowing you were stroking your hard cock, listening to my juicy pussy being pumped. After a few minutes, I put the phone back to my ear and ask if that was long enough? You tell me [yes my angel, do you want to cum for me? If so, beg me to allow this.]
<snip>
</snip>
[I want you to lay the phone down, close so that I can hear what you do and then I want you to begin strapping your beautiful ass, making sure that your lovely little cunt gets a few licks too](Is ''lick'' a BDSM term? Though I do understand what is meant, it seemed odd to come out of the heroine's mouth. She was a BDSM novice to start with, and many of the readers too. She learnt a little about BDSM through the Net, but most of the BDSM-novice readers haven't. Perhaps, it is a good idea to let the heroine explaine what she meant by ''licks'' in the chapter one.)
<snip>
and then book a flight for that evening or the next morning.
Has she not traveled already???
I am able to get a flight back that night, checked(tense slip) out, drove to the airport and return my rental car.
I'm a little confused. Did the heroine flew to where her man is to sort out her acomodation, checked out where her man works, and flew back South to pack her things up?
You think I am on vacation, while I am going to use this week to drive to my (hopefully soon, to be our) new house, unpack, buy whatever new furniture I needed, and get everything in its place.
Oh, Okey.
</snip>
I still had(tense) over half of my winnings left and had transferred it all to my new bank.
How much money did she win, exactly
The back lawn was very large and had a privacy fence all around it, but I wanted another iron fence around the pool to make it safer. I told him that I needed an estimate on the cost for him to have enough people working so that it was done in two weeks. He told me that wasn't a problem and gave me a good price. He started his people working on it immediately.
I decided to buy only the furniture I had to have right now. <snip>
This whole section, though detailed and beautifully written is unnecessary. Stick to the Play room only. The reader might tolerate it if this was a novella/novel, but not in BDSM category.</snip>I couldn't believe that I had finished all this and still had half my winnings left.
<snip>
Then I had a complete bikini wax from front to back,
Description of the process might excite the male audience
I took a very long bubble bath and shaved my legs and underarms.
I assume waxing was for genital area only? Oh, yeah. Bikini... Right.
</snip>
This is the most crutial and highly emotional part of the chapter. It can alternatively written thus:
My heart leaped into my throat when my cell phone rang. I picked it up, but had to clear my throat several times so that I could speak. You were very concerned and asked what was wrong. You said that you had called as soon as you had read my message. It was now or never and I knew I had to get a hold of myself.
''Do you trust me?''
''Yes of course I do angel, what is wrong?''
''Do you have a phone directory close?'' I asked. ''Would you look the number up for the hotel next to your work?''
I don't know what was going through your mind, maybe you thought I wanted to ask if I could come to you and wanted the number to make reservations. You sounded strange and puzzled when you told me that you had the number and asked if I wanted it.
My heart beating wildly, I answered, ''No my Love, I want you to call it and ask for room 205.''
There was silence on the phone for several seconds and finally you told me okay and hung up the phone.
My mind was thinking of all the possibilities of what you may be thinking, but I didn't have time to figure it out. In less than a minute the hotel phone rang. I picked it up and said as calmly as I could, ''Hello my Love.'' Again, silence on the phone.
When you spoke, I still couldn't determine what you were thinking or feeling. You said, ''It seems as though my angel has decided to fly close to her Love.''
''Yes Sir, she did.''
''What does your angel wish for her Love to do?''
''I wish for you to come to me right now if you can. Come to room 205 and walk through the unlocked door without knocking.''
I thought I could here laughter in your voice when you asked, ''Does my angel has any other instructions?''
I told you no. After you arrived, I would be following my Love's instructions. Then you hung up the phone.
<snip>
</snip>
Knowing I deserved what you had decided, I got up to get dressed. You watched me closely as I opened by(my?) suitcase, taking out clothes to wear home. You asked me if I should go ahead and call the airlines to book a flight and I told you yes. My heart was heavy as I walked to the phone, looked up the number and started to dial. "Do you understand why?" you asked me and I told you yes. "Do you still love me?" you asked and I turned to look you into your eyes and told you without a doubt I did love you.
<snip>
</snip>
With my chest almost in your face, I removed my hands, slowly rubbing my breasts down your neck(Punc or ''and'') on your chest as I bent down. When I began to rise back up, you put your hands on my shoulders bringing one of my tits to your face. I moaned as your mouth covered my nipple and began sucking me deeply into your mouth. Your hands reached up to pull the clip from my hair, causing it to tumble down over my shoulders as you ran your hands through it.
I watched as you got up and walked over to the bed, popping(???) me on my bare ass as you walked by, making my pussy quiver.
I did as you asked and you took one wrist(punc) securing it to one corner of the bed(,) and then(Some would advice you to lose 'then'.)the same with the other. Then you told me to spread my legs and tied each of them to the opposite corners.
The longer you made me lay there, the hotter I became. When the flogger struck my body, I wondered at my choice of toys(Why?).
I know I was covered in chill(''goose'' is more conventional) bumps as you kissed all the way back up my body and then up each arm, untying each of them.
You rose and leaned down to kiss me, the taste of me on your mouth(I find ''lips'' sexier.) making me crazy.
Unable to look away, we looked into each other's soul as I felt you push yourself inside me, burying yourself completely in my love.
A little corny.
When the first orgasm started to hit me, I can't(tense shift) stop myself from digging my nails into you. I started screaming "I love you." My pussy clenched against your thrusting cock over and over again, trying to draw you deeper inside me. Your hands tightened on my legs and I watched you in the throes of your own orgasm, your handsome face contorting with the overwhelming feelings as you slowed down your thrusting, but started moving in and out slower, only now stabbing hard into my pulsing cunt, our bodies smacking loudly together.
[I awaken and stretch pleasantly, smiling to myself and thinking, "I can't wait to describe this dream to my Love. I wonder what he will say about my "resourcefulness." Realizing how wet my pussy is, I close my eyes and begin to imagine your hands as I reflect on my latest dream...]
CV
Nikki aka Angel
Virgin
- Joined
- Jun 20, 2002
- Posts
- 5
Thanks for the time and compliments CV
Are you a professor?
Are you a professor?
Nikki aka Angel
Virgin
- Joined
- Jun 20, 2002
- Posts
- 5
???
Sub Joe...I can see why you might think so...lol. Bamaluvr seems to like what he/she has written instead of what I've written
. But no, it's not me.
I'm not sure what your asking in your second question.
By the way, I went to London last year and loved it. You are very lucky to live there.
Sub Joe...I can see why you might think so...lol. Bamaluvr seems to like what he/she has written instead of what I've written
. But no, it's not me.I'm not sure what your asking in your second question.
By the way, I went to London last year and loved it. You are very lucky to live there.
NoJo
Happily Marred
- Joined
- May 19, 2002
- Posts
- 15,398
London
Hi Nikki, I'm glad you like London -- sometimes I wonder why I live here.
I think visitors love London more than residents -- They can get out of here when the Summer's over!
What I meant about graphology is that I wonder if you can guess whether two posters are the same person just by their writing style!
Hi Nikki, I'm glad you like London -- sometimes I wonder why I live here.
I think visitors love London more than residents -- They can get out of here when the Summer's over!
What I meant about graphology is that I wonder if you can guess whether two posters are the same person just by their writing style!
G
Guest
Guest
nikki aka angel...... angel's dream.....a well thought out and...... heart warming story..... touching......in so many.......levels........the heroine of the story...... is absolutely charming....... nikki aka angel..... is the heroine's character.... based on you?...... I think..... she's very sweet person.... and everyone should...... read the story...... and give her feedback..... her imagination..... is something.......I adore........................
Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Nice shoes.
Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Nice shoes.
Nikki aka Angel
Virgin
- Joined
- Jun 20, 2002
- Posts
- 5
Sub Joe
I've heard the same thing from other people who live in London, so I guess it's the same no matter where you live. I would just love to live in a place so rich in history the way you do. Stonehenge (not sure if thats spelled right) took my breath away. But I can see where all the tourist might get annoying.
I guess you can tell from the way two people type if they are the same, but I assure you that I'm not the other poster. Does he/she write stories too? If so, I'd like to read them and see if they do in fact write like me.
By the way, I've read your stories and enjoyed them very much. I love the way you write. Thanks for the time you took to answer my post.
I've heard the same thing from other people who live in London, so I guess it's the same no matter where you live. I would just love to live in a place so rich in history the way you do. Stonehenge (not sure if thats spelled right) took my breath away. But I can see where all the tourist might get annoying.
I guess you can tell from the way two people type if they are the same, but I assure you that I'm not the other poster. Does he/she write stories too? If so, I'd like to read them and see if they do in fact write like me.
By the way, I've read your stories and enjoyed them very much. I love the way you write. Thanks for the time you took to answer my post.
Nikki aka Angel
Virgin
- Joined
- Jun 20, 2002
- Posts
- 5
Chilled Vodka
Thank you for the wonderful feedback. I do appreciate the time you take to reply to my posts. I hope I've done a better job on the other stories. The past and present tense shifts are hard to control.
Yes, the dreams are loosely based on me, but I'm not as sweet as Angel....lol.
Six and seven are written and ready to be submitted, as soon as they are proofread!!
Thank you again for your feedback.
Thank you for the wonderful feedback. I do appreciate the time you take to reply to my posts. I hope I've done a better job on the other stories. The past and present tense shifts are hard to control.
Yes, the dreams are loosely based on me, but I'm not as sweet as Angel....lol.
Six and seven are written and ready to be submitted, as soon as they are proofread!!
Thank you again for your feedback.
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