Master_Vassago
Literotica Guru
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I have only done this once before but here it goes. Cringing please be gentle.
Dangerous Longings Chapter 03
Dangerous Longings Chapter 03
Newest Erotic Horror offering.
- Thread starter Master_Vassago
- Start date
dr_mabeuse
seduce the mind
- Joined
- Oct 10, 2002
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- 11,528
Which is it going to be, Master V? You ask us to be gentle with you, but then your sig line promises a brutal stomping. Can;t have it both ways.
I had trouble reading this, and I know why: you're extremely stingey with commas. This not only makes your prose frequently hard to understand, but it gives it a very oppressive and suffocating feeling. My internal reading voice tends to run along in a monotone and reading becomes difficult and tiring. Of I were you, I would start using a hell of a lot more commas to break up the sentences. Maybe even err of the side of too many rather than not enough.
Likewise you're not generous with your paragraphing either. This wasn't as bad once the action began as it was at the beginning, where you were trying to put in a lot of background information while describing what was currently going on too, and mixed bacjground and action in the same paragraph. So I got confused, and I think maybe you did too. At the start of the story it seems to me he's musing about being hungry, then about the girls, then he decides he has to feed, then that he has to train the girls, then that they all have to feed, until I wasn't sure what was going on.
I realize that you had a lot of backstory to include at the start, and that's never easy, but it's bad to confuse people when you're just trying to pull them in and get them involved, which is probably why so many people save their back ground information and pr4sent it once the action's underway.
Because of this I only read the first page, so my comments only apply to that.
I was also alarmed to find that the story suddenly switched from first person to third person about half way down the first page, where we go from 'I' being the narrator, to 'Mason' being the narrator. There's a sentence later on where you seem to try and reconcile the two by telling us quite clearly that Mason is I, the narrator, but that doesn't help.
Either I missed something, or you failed to proofread the piece before submission. That's a major gaffe.
Iexcused myself from the piercing business out of personal squeamishness. No reflection on you, and I'm sure a lot of people would get of on it, but it just gives me the willies. So I might have missed the climax of the duneon scene
The whole dungeon scene seemed a little gratuitous, almost as if he took them down there for one thing and then changed his mind and did something else. Even from the first page it was apparent that the 'purpose' of the story was the hunt for new blood to be carried out at the rave, so I kind of wondered why you'd included the dungeon scene at all.
There's a lot of extraneous thinking and opinionating that goes on in your stuff even during the action. It clogs up and ultimately strangles the action, or at least slows things down. I think you would benefit from concentrating more on describing what's going on during the action sequences and leaving the editorializing alone, or at least banishing it to its own special paragraph.
There are a lot of things that would benefit from an editor's attention, but you can say that about any story, really. In my own opinion I'd like to see a 'cleaner' story--less reflection, less editorializing--more description and action, more atmosphere.
Okay. I hope you know I don't mean to stomp you. I just figured you wanted more than a "I liked it" or "I didn't like it", and I've tried to give you that.
All the best,
---dr.M.
I had trouble reading this, and I know why: you're extremely stingey with commas. This not only makes your prose frequently hard to understand, but it gives it a very oppressive and suffocating feeling. My internal reading voice tends to run along in a monotone and reading becomes difficult and tiring. Of I were you, I would start using a hell of a lot more commas to break up the sentences. Maybe even err of the side of too many rather than not enough.
Likewise you're not generous with your paragraphing either. This wasn't as bad once the action began as it was at the beginning, where you were trying to put in a lot of background information while describing what was currently going on too, and mixed bacjground and action in the same paragraph. So I got confused, and I think maybe you did too. At the start of the story it seems to me he's musing about being hungry, then about the girls, then he decides he has to feed, then that he has to train the girls, then that they all have to feed, until I wasn't sure what was going on.
I realize that you had a lot of backstory to include at the start, and that's never easy, but it's bad to confuse people when you're just trying to pull them in and get them involved, which is probably why so many people save their back ground information and pr4sent it once the action's underway.
Because of this I only read the first page, so my comments only apply to that.
I was also alarmed to find that the story suddenly switched from first person to third person about half way down the first page, where we go from 'I' being the narrator, to 'Mason' being the narrator. There's a sentence later on where you seem to try and reconcile the two by telling us quite clearly that Mason is I, the narrator, but that doesn't help.
Either I missed something, or you failed to proofread the piece before submission. That's a major gaffe.
Iexcused myself from the piercing business out of personal squeamishness. No reflection on you, and I'm sure a lot of people would get of on it, but it just gives me the willies. So I might have missed the climax of the duneon scene
The whole dungeon scene seemed a little gratuitous, almost as if he took them down there for one thing and then changed his mind and did something else. Even from the first page it was apparent that the 'purpose' of the story was the hunt for new blood to be carried out at the rave, so I kind of wondered why you'd included the dungeon scene at all.
There's a lot of extraneous thinking and opinionating that goes on in your stuff even during the action. It clogs up and ultimately strangles the action, or at least slows things down. I think you would benefit from concentrating more on describing what's going on during the action sequences and leaving the editorializing alone, or at least banishing it to its own special paragraph.
There are a lot of things that would benefit from an editor's attention, but you can say that about any story, really. In my own opinion I'd like to see a 'cleaner' story--less reflection, less editorializing--more description and action, more atmosphere.
Okay. I hope you know I don't mean to stomp you. I just figured you wanted more than a "I liked it" or "I didn't like it", and I've tried to give you that.
All the best,
---dr.M.
Master_Vassago
Literotica Guru
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Dr.M, I greatly appreciate your feedback. The critique is just what I wanted. I need to know where my errors are so that I can fix them or find an editor to help out with them. Stomp away sir, I really do appreciate this and I will work on fixing it in all upcoming stories as well. Thanks for not pulling any punches either I do need to know what areas to work on and I would prefer it comes from My peers I respect such as you.
dr_mabeuse
seduce the mind
- Joined
- Oct 10, 2002
- Posts
- 11,528
Anytime, Master V. It is gratifying to know that you can take these criticisms in the spirit in which they were intended
---dr.M..
---dr.M..
Master_Vassago
Literotica Guru
- Joined
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Dr.M, I value your opinion in the highest along with a few others and you're the first one to admit your work needs help at times, as well as you don't know when to leave it alone. LOL. So that in itself puts you high up in my list of people I should listen too.
I don't want to name any names here out in the open but there are several people I feel this way about. I also pulled this story out and started looking over it and plan to edit it. Then resubmit it at one point or another.
But I also know you wouldn't be mean and throw an opinion together without thinking about it first. So feel free to inspect anything I have at your leisure and let me know what else needs work Sir.
Thanks again Dr. M. and never fear if anything this critique made me respect you more than I already did if possible. IS the smoke coming out of your ears yet from being blown in other places lol?
I don't want to name any names here out in the open but there are several people I feel this way about. I also pulled this story out and started looking over it and plan to edit it. Then resubmit it at one point or another.
But I also know you wouldn't be mean and throw an opinion together without thinking about it first. So feel free to inspect anything I have at your leisure and let me know what else needs work Sir.
Thanks again Dr. M. and never fear if anything this critique made me respect you more than I already did if possible. IS the smoke coming out of your ears yet from being blown in other places lol?
