Newbie

[phillyinjun]

I have a couple of stories, that I'd like feedback on.

Thanks,

Charlie

http://english.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=230584
http://english.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=230585

 

[damppanties]

Hi phillyinjun,

I just finished reading Close Encounters. It was in one of my favourite categories so that was the first plus. Your writing is easy and there are no obvious grammatical or language problems.

I liked idea of telling the story from both the male's and the female's viewpoints but I confess I got a bit confused. I had to read the first paragraph twice to know what's going on. The story starts in her head, then the third sentence is him (I couldn't decide if it is and was totally confused) then it goes back to her POV in the same paragraph. I'd have liked some obvious change when you change POVs.

Then I didn't understand how it ended. I had to read that three times. The men, where they were sitting, which man approached which man, it all totally got me. Maybe you should have named one of them or given him some other form of referrence like the read-headed guy or the bouncer-type fellow, or something.

In the last sentence - "... but it was worth the show." - was 'show the word you wanted to use there? I'd have liked a wry, humourous sentence as a final cap to this incident and felt like I was cheated out of it.

On the good side, I liked it as a snapshot of one small funny scene. It was a fun read, and the writing of the sex parts was very good too. Nicely done.

 

[phillyinjun]

Thank you - you dissected it really well. I appreciate the time you took.

 

[mertjim]

GRRRRRRRRRRRReat!!

Loved your story, knocked me over with the ending. Nice!

 

[kbate]

Close Encouters

I have little to say that damppanties did not already say about this story.

The ending paragraph was odd, perhaps it should have read show was worth the price?


She was getting ready to talk to him! His nipples actually hardened with anticipation. Man, this was almost too much, he thought and started to turn to meet her look.

I wondered if "his nipples" should have hardened, previously the story concentrated on other anatomy.

her heart started to beat harder"

I prefer "her heart started beating harder" but this is my token nitipick.

One or two other lines were a little clunky, but overall I liked the story, it was amusing.

 

[phillyinjun]

Thank you both for your feedback. Kate - I do like "her heart started beating harder" now that I think of it.