newbie

[veryblueeyes]

As a maiden stood in the wood
Her bright eyes wandering through the wilderness
A breeze blew, which brought a scent of a man

The wind blew her long hair from her face
Buried the smell of him into the pores of her skin
Willing her to him

As she walked along, wandering…
Trying to find him
Moonlight guided her

Beams shooting through the trees
Scattering moonlight
Catching the shimmer of her long flowing white dress

She tried in desperation to find what she was seeking
The musty scent of a man
One that called her only by scent

As she drifted, she came upon a rock
It was the edge of a cliff
Looking down at the thrashing waves on the jagged rocks.

Slowly turning her head around
There he was
Upon a stallion he rode

Beckoning him to her with arms milky white
Blue eyes catching the moonlight
He came to her

Catching her in an embrace and pressing his lips to her
The heat builds as the wind increases.
Flowing white gown against steel armor.

Leaning into each other with the sound of the waves
Thrashing, as they began to thrash into each other
Melodies of nature and lust playing in their minds

 

[Angeline]

Hi VBE

and welcome to the poetry forum. I recognize you from the GB music thread, but this is where I usually hang out.

Would you like feedback on your poem or did you just want to share it? It sound like a lyric, by the way. Is it? I'd cut it back a bit, myself--I think there are some words there you could delete to tighten it up overall, but either way it's nice to have you here.



Ange

 

[veryblueeyes]

Thank you very much...


It is not a lyric. I am much into mythology and pagan type writings, delving into romance side of things.

As, I am not a writer and much feedback on how to write would be most appreciated...

Many thanks for the welcome.

Blue

 

[Angeline]

Ok, I'll go for it.

It's only one person's opinion, of course--if you feel it's helpful, use it but if not, that's fine too.

You have written a narrative poem (i.e., you're telling a story--specifically a sort of fantasy story). You don't have a lot of plot though, but what is there says a woman is drawn to a man by his scent, he is on a stallion, he comes to her, and they embrace.

When you write this way, sort of creating a "story" instead of telling about something that really happened--even a real feeling--it's harder to write a good poem. That's because with real experiences there are a thousand details you can draw on; all you need to do is remember them and write them imaginatively.

You have some really nice imaginative images in your poem. This one is great--

The wind blew her long hair from her face
Buried the smell of him into the pores of her skin
Willing her to him


that's very sensual--you can see it in your imagination, but much of your poem is more general. For example--

Melodies of nature and lust playing in their minds

There are specific sounds one associates with nature and lust, and the more specific you are as a writer, the better your reader will get get your meaning. You can be symbolic and use images in poetry (that's good), but you need to convey meaning.

Then there's cliche. Every writer has to work to avoid it. Phrases like

long flowing white dress

thrashing waves

jagged rocks

are overused, so a writer needs to find new interesting ways to describe.

You can revise your poem to some extent (and take those extra words out along the way), and I do think you'll have a stronger poem. That's a good exercise. If it were me, I'd try to rewrite it using memories from my own experience (or start a new poem that does the same). Here's a rewrite that shows one way you could do this--


She wandered bright eyed
through the wood alone
with breeze upon her weaving
wind through her long hair

she scented someone then,
a man who came to her
upon the air and thrust
his presence to her skin

in scent compelling her
he bid her come to him
she shimmered then by moonbeams
shining white paths through trees

that led to cliff edge
where he sat upon his steed
waiting for her beside the crash
of ocean on the the rock-strewn shore

and there she beckoned come to me
her long arms bright as moon alit
his blue sea eyes when their embrace

emcompassed her wind crushed hair
they touched as shore is gathered
by the waves held in the brisk
of pine and briny splash of lust

*******************

I hope this helps. I think you have some great stuff in your poem and you of course know best what you want to get across, but to be really "poetic" I'd try to take it in another direction.

 

[veryblueeyes]

Ok, I'll go for it.

It's only one person's opinion, of course--if you feel it's helpful, use it but if not, that's fine too.

You have written a narrative poem (i.e., you're telling a story--specifically a sort of fantasy story). You don't have a lot of plot though, but what is there says a woman is drawn to a man by his scent, he is on a stallion, he comes to her, and they embrace.

When you write this way, sort of creating a "story" instead of telling about something that really happened--even a real feeling--it's harder to write a good poem. That's because with real experiences there are a thousand details you can draw on; all you need to do is remember them and write them imaginatively.

You have some really nice imaginative images in your poem. This one is great--

The wind blew her long hair from her face
Buried the smell of him into the pores of her skin
Willing her to him


that's very sensual--you can see it in your imagination, but much of your poem is more general. For example--

Melodies of nature and lust playing in their minds

There are specific sounds one associates with nature and lust, and the more specific you are as a writer, the better your reader will get get your meaning. You can be symbolic and use images in poetry (that's good), but you need to convey meaning.

Then there's cliche. Every writer has to work to avoid it. Phrases like

long flowing white dress

thrashing waves

jagged rocks

are overused, so a writer needs to find new interesting ways to describe.

You can revise your poem to some extent (and take those extra words out along the way), and I do think you'll have a stronger poem. That's a good exercise. If it were me, I'd try to rewrite it using memories from my own experience (or start a new poem that does the same). Here's a rewrite that shows one way you could do this--


She wandered bright eyed
through the wood alone
with breeze upon her weaving
wind through her long hair

she scented someone then,
a man who came to her
upon the air and thrust
his presence to her skin

in scent compelling her
he bid her come to him
she shimmered then by moonbeams
shining white paths through trees

that led to cliff edge
where he sat upon his steed
waiting for her beside the crash
of ocean on the the rock-strewn shore

and there she beckoned come to me
her long arms bright as moon alit
his blue sea eyes when their embrace

emcompassed her wind crushed hair
they touched as shore is gathered
by the waves held in the brisk
of pine and briny splash of lust

*******************

I hope this helps. I think you have some great stuff in your poem and you of course know best what you want to get across, but to be really "poetic" I'd try to take it in another direction.

Thank you so much. I am much a beginner, as I can create music much easier than lyrics. I am trying my hand at writing. Do you think a class would help? I have so many thoughts up in this mind, but learning to put them into words is hard. I love the way that you re-wrote my "story". Much like I would have like to have written it.

blue

 

[WickedEve]

You have some really nice imaginative images in your poem. This one is great--

The wind blew her long hair from her face
Buried the smell of him into the pores of her skin
Willing her to him

Those are the same lines I was drawn to. I felt that they held potential.
I like what you did with the poem, Angeline. Fantastic example of how a poem can be revised.

 

[veryblueeyes]

Those are the same lines I was drawn to. I felt that they held potential.
I like what you did with the poem, Angeline. Fantastic example of how a poem can be revised.

Thank you Eve...

Any tips you might be able to give, as well? I love reading poetry and feel that I have the thoughts. Just trying to write them is harder. Ange gave me some great pointers. I write my own music, so I am trying to expand...

Blue

 

[Angeline]

Thank you both.

Blue, stick around and read some of the discussions here in the forum, get involved in the challenges and games. I have found that very helpful. That and reading and writing poetry every day. imo, are the best ways to learn. Do that and you'll improve steadily.