Newbie Writer looking for an audience

[Adranoc_the_Healer]

I'm kinda new to the whole literotica thing, but I have a small fan club that says I'm really good. I'd like to know how I stand, and what I need to improve in my writing. I'm really accepting of constructive criticism and can use all the comments i can get. if you would like to help, please read my story and tell me what you think. if I get good reviews, I'll post more.

 

[Guest]

A search of your Literotica name reveals no stories submitted here.

Can you provide a link?

 

[Adranoc_the_Healer]

story

sure thing, here you go.....

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=335553

 

[mjl2010]

I just don't care for second person POV, especially when the narrator is male talking to a woman. You lost me in the first paragraph. I looked down, just barely skimming through to the end.

You paragraphs are too long mostly. Cut them in half at the least. The paragraph length makes reading difficult on a monitor and hard not to skim/slip through the story.

I suggest writing in third or first person, you'll keep more readers interested.

MJL

 

[Guest]

I just don't care for second person POV, especially when the narrator is male talking to a woman. You lost me in the first paragraph. I looked down, just barely skimming through to the end.

You paragraphs are too long mostly. Cut them in half at the least. The paragraph length makes reading difficult on a monitor and hard not to skim/slip through the story.

I suggest writing in third or first person, you'll keep more readers interested.

MJL

No wonder your story didn't show up on the search. It just posted a few days ago.

First, congratulations on your first submission!

Secondly, I agree completely with MJ on the POV. The thing is, the first stories I submitted here were done in exactly the same way as yours. In my mind, they seemed hotter, more fresh. I suppose it was because they were more personal to me.

I've since rewritten them in third person/past tense. They read much stronger, are much more interesting, and they allow the reader more opportunity to place themselves within the story.

I would name your characters, as well. That gives you more freedom instead of saying he said, she said, etc.

Here's your first paragraph -

CRACK!

I offered you the honor of first break on the new pool table we just bought. We have had our house for about two years now, and we were talking about getting a pool table for a while. Since our finances are finally back to normal, after the honeymoon, and the wedding ceremony, we could afford it. Dressed in the skirt that you wear around the house, and your favorite shirt, I am unaware of the fact that you are not wearing any panties or a bra.

You have solid imagery, good thoughts. And any story in the Anal category is certainly worth a read.

See how it looks with a bit of rewriting, and changing the POV and tense.

CRACK!

Tim gave Janet the honor of first break on their brand new pool table. They'd been talking about buying one for nearly two years, and since the bills from the wedding, honeymoon and new house had finally become manageable they'd finally taken the leap. It had been delivered just today and both of them couldn't wait to play.

Janet was wearing her favorite shirt and she smiled over her shoulder at Tim while leaning over to make her first shot. Tim leered back, noticing the way the shirt clung to her trim waist and sweet hips. It was obvious she wasn't wearing any panties.


This is just a quick edit and example of how it would read with a different POV. It would take some effort to rewrite but I think it would be worth it.

Good luck!

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

I've had to read this story several times to get it. This is "I", "You" and "We". What's wrong? Don't your characters have names?

If you want to capture and audience, you need to get the reader to empathize with your characters and story. There's none of that in this. Rather it reads like a thirteen-year-old's fantasy - medium wanker materal and not much more.

From the first paragraph I was blinded by - "Who the fuck are these people?"

Then I noticed that your paragraphs are all both long and about the same size, as if they were cut by a cookie cutter. This is devistating on the eyes and, frankly, boring and contrived. Make your paragraphs long and short and mix them up with most of them short, not long. Hint: Long is eight screen lines.

Now beyond total lack of reason or motivation you launch into some fuck scene that is entirely disconnected from what a story is. There's no beginning, no definition of the scene and characters and no ending where the reader finds out what is the outcome. Apparently the outcome here is - They Got Off. That's pretty much like 100,000 other viginettes on Lit.

Your writing style is okay, but, like has been said, get away from second person - it's boring. And try to work into a real story with real people and real settings. (Another hint: I use the town where I live for my settings because I know it so well,)

 

[Scarlet Dawna]

Your writing is adequate.

Please don't take offense, but its all been done before. Its written in that classic erotic story descriptive language. If I've read one story like yours, I've read a million.

I think that you have the potential to be a really good writer, but don't worry if it doesn't sound "perfect". Sex very rarely is perfect. We all fumble around or lose rhythm from time to time. Good erotic stories grasp the imperfection and spontaneity of the situation.

And I agree with the the other posters: don't write in that second person point of view. Just keep writing and keep posting. And get creative!

~Scarlet Dawna~