Newbie Sub Looking for Advice

[SheepinWolvesClothing]

.....

 

[KimGordon67]

I'm no expert, and obviously I know neither of you, but to be honest, he sounds like he's being pretty manipulative. I wouldn't classify myself as 'sub', but I've been in a couple of relationships that have had power/control aspect to them, and for me being able to talk about it is KEY to that dynamic actually working. It sounds to me like he just doesn't want to have a serious conversation, and is using his status as a 'dom' to avoid that. If he really loves you, he'll be concerned about your emotional wellbeing in this situation.

I suspect when someone creates a space in which we can explore an aspect of our sexuality/identity that we haven't been able to bring out into the open before, it's pretty easy to attribute all power to that person, because we often get a bit overwhelmed by it all. But let's remember it's *your* sexuality, *your* identity as a sub (or whatever). He doesn't get to own just because he happened to be in the right place at the right time saying the right things.

This: "He has made it clear that I will be replaced if I do not change" in particular is a worry. That's just emotional blackmail, not 'being a dom'. It's the kind of thing some guys used to do to me when I was your age (in relationships with no sub/dom aspect to them), and you don't have put up with it.

You'll probably get a few similar responses, but just remember that 'sub' is not a synonym for 'doormat'. Be strong in what you want and what actually works for you. If he's a real person who actually cares about you, he'll respect that. If he doesn't respect it, he doesn't deserve you anyway.

 

[PtyLips]

I am sorry you are going through this.
I have to agree with KimGordon67 though, your "Master" sounds like he's lost his way. A consensual BDSM relationship needs to be based on open communication, and the fact that he is unwilling to listen and belittling your anxiety as being too emotional is a critical development, that sounds like he is emotionally abusing you and your willingness to submit no matter what.
I am not experienced enough in neither BDSM relationships, nor psychology, but in my humble opinion you should sit down and really think if he's worth your submission. If he really deserves you, after what he is currently doing to you.
I understand too well, what it means to be insecure and make mistakes ... and yes, you sound like you are currently truly struggling in your submission, but emotional blackmail and refusal to communicate sound quite harsh. I am not sure if you struggle because of his change in temper or if he changed his temper because he is unhappy with your devotion?

I hate to say this though, sometimes relationships end and love turns ...

 

[SpunThings]

Would you put up with this in a boyfriend? Would you stick around with someone who said they didn't love you, and would leave if you didn't do what they wanted ( despite you not wanting to)? You don't have to do anything you don't want, sub or not. This is emotional blackmail.

There are people out there who will help you learn and grow in a way that is uplifting to you. There are people out there that you'll be happy to obey, rather than resentful. Is it possible you're having a hard time obeying due to resentment?

He sounds like a jerk actually. There are people out there who will sweet talk you and say whatever it is you want to hear, and after a time their mean manipulative nature comes out. They rely on you not having enough self esteem to realize you don't deserve to be treated any differently. You do deserve to be treated differently. This situation is not special to dom/sub relationships. People in vanilla relationships do this too.

 

[butterfly_flip]

Have to agree. To me, that looks nothing like a consensual D/s relationship. What it does look like is insidious manipulation by an insecure man.

Your being submissive doesn't mean you can't call him on this, the fact he dismisses you as 'too emotional' tells me(again, this is only based on what you've written here) he has very little interest in your emotional wellbeing, and expects you to be an automaton, mindlessly obeying.

For some, that works, but I don't see it working here.

 

[Gwanji16]

Trust and communication

Hi, Sheep

While I am a bit experienced in Dom/sub, I am no expert, so please take this with a grain of salt.

I believe that for Dom/sub to bring a rich dimension to your love life, you have to be able to communicate and calibrate the things that make you comfortable and the boundaries you have mutually (and I emphasize mutually) have established. There are some (not me) who embrace this as a total lifestyle and there are some who go to this space because it is occasionally stimulating, the session approach I believe you alluded to, which I believe is what you are looking for. In the bedroom or wherever, you can always be the submissive and he can always be the master and both are gratified.

But I think, from what you are describing, there is an element of meanness that a true and kind master would never deploy, so to speak. Harem? Maybe you qualify, maybe you don't? Uncertainty regarding love? I don't want to be judgmental, but I think this guy is a dickhead. I agree with Kim, he is manipulative, mean, and not worthy of your submission, if you get my drift. I think you need to have a roles free conversation, no Dom no sub, about who you are in real life and what it means for you to enjoy the Dom/sub dynamic in a trusting, respectful way. Otherwise, say goodbye and move on. You deserve better.

 

[Miles Long]

This probably will make sense to only a few people, but I think the OP's Master and hooterbif's girlfriend should get together.

 

[CutieMouse]

Why is the failure laid at your feet alone? Why are you at fault, as if there is only one person in the relationship? Are his instructions/expectations realistic? Are his requests clear? Do you get clarification if you ask for it (to better complete the task)?

Years ago, when first exploring kink/BDSM, I let myself get caught up in an online relationship, that eventually (IMO) became very destructive. Nothing I did was ever right enough. Threats of ending things if I didn't do xyz became commonplace. As smart as I am, I really thought it was all my fault, and I repeatedly bent over backwards for someone who kept changing the rules (and blaming me). The relationship ultimately became more negative than positive, and I ended it.

I mention all that, to show that it's unfortunately very common for online relationships to cross boundaries we would probably never tolerate in real life. The fantasy of it all can be so strong, that we sometimes forget the reality.

Today, if a lover (online or not) told me I was replaceable, I'd remind him that he's replaceable, too. And then I'd replace him - with someone better.

The relationship has run its course, and from your description turned abusive. My advice would be to take stock of the things you've learned about yourself and use them to find a better & more compatible partner in the future.

 

[Clover621]

Hey sheep,
I'm sorry to say this but honey if I was in your situation I would run like the wind. Doms are a lot of things, but they should not make you feel like a bad sub without your consent. It sounds like he's using his position as your Dom to be mean and trap you, which is just not right. I hear what you're saying about how kind and loving he can be, but if ANY partner (Dom or not) makes you feel crap, or doesn't respect you or your limits, then that is not a good relationship at all. The fact he put you down outside of scenes is just a huge alarm bell honestly. Chalk it up to experience and leave. Us subs are in control! We're the ones who call the shots! Doms should only ever act within the limits we set and while pushing your limits can be good (provided you talked about it), disregarding them is just awful and abusive and makes him a terrible Dom. I'm so sorry your in this position because I know how hard it is when someone can be so lovely and perfect sometimes, and awful at others, but what your describing really doesn't sound like a healthy or fulfilling relationship

 

[KimGordon67]

The only other thing I'd add to this ... and only because some aspects of your post remind me of my 20-year-old self ... is that if you find you're often insecure in relationships, it's a really good idea to talk to someone - a professional someone - about this. It took me until my early 30s to finally address that in myself, and I wish I'd done it earlier. I put up with a lot of crap because of fear that the other person would leave me ... and I drove away more than one actually quite nice guy because of that as well, and just generally spent a lot of time being less happy than I could have been. Being confident in yourself is a fundamental part of having a good relationship - and a confident person also tends to attract a better sort of human being to them.

 

[Lord_Johnny]

Definitely some issues

So, like some people have been saying, there are definitely some issues. Now, this is going to be a bit of a convoluted post, so follow along closely.


A submissive is to do just that. Submit. Yes, I get that it may or may not be what you want, but that's the point of submission. Of submitting your desires as subservient to the desires of the Dominant. That's what the life style is all about. Literally. Whether you do this all the time, or just in "bed room" situations doesn't change the dynamic. The amount of time only changes the frequency of this dynamic coming into play. Now, there may be a difference in what specific things that you submit with in your relationship, but the dynamic remains the same, as you are still submitting your desires as inferior to that of the dominate person(s).

Now, that being said, there does need to be a conversation about the situation that is not in a Dom/Sub dynamic. This is something that I would encourage you to use your safe word for, because it definitely needs to happen.
Why? Well, because just as it is the place of the submissive to submit, it is also the *duty* of the Dominate to know what the emotional state of his submissive is, and to attempt to keep them in a satisfied and enjoying their position as a submissive, even when there are some aspects of that submission that would "normally" be considered as something that wouldn't bring enjoyment. Note, I'm saying that each submissive is different, and that it's the duty of the Dominant individual to know their submissive's needs. The Dominant here does seem to be neglecting their duties. That isn't acceptable.

Now, with that said, I'd like to inquire as to what kinds of things you have been disobedient on, and why you haven't followed through on promises. Those are definitely things that a Dom has a legitimate reason to be expressing displeasure on, but on the other hand, there are gradients. Are these hard limits that he is asking you to push past?

I know that, as a Dom, I'd rather my submissive tell me something true, rather than what I'd like to hear (though as long as they're not untruth's, I do like hearing what i want to hear as well, of course). Lying...is always going to deteriorate the relationship. So will not following through on what you said you're going to do. These are things that, as a human being, you need to improve on. It can be hard, and I won't say it will always be easy, to fix these things. But, honestly, these are area's that need improvement for all relationships, whether with this Dominant individual or not.

As for the changing or being replaced, this is a sticky situation. Yes, submissive's should change. It's part of a Dominant's role to help grow the submissive's nature and confidence. Growth *IS* change. So it could be stated that it's a Dominant's role to change a submissive. I don't personally like saying it that way because of the connotations involved, but it would be an accurate statement nevertheless. Now, with that said...it's even trickier with the being replaced part. Partly because I support replacing a submissive that cannot obey, and partly because all relationships have a natural end. Maybe it's with parting ways, maybe someone has an accident that removes someone's life, or any number of other reasons.
Now, at this point, I don't know how he's said he'll replace you. It may have been in a sit down conversation. It could have been in anger. I don't know. What I do know is, that this is a legitimate concern, on both of your parts.

As for whether or not it makes you a bad submissive for not wanting to engage when the Dominant does...the answer is a clear, definitive, unquestionable, NO. No it isn't bad that you don't have the same libido, regardless of whether it is less or more than, as that of the Dominant individual. Now, is there room for submitting when you're not currently in the mood? Yes absolutely. Is there a need for a Dominant to also know that this isn't to be abused. Either by putting down the individual who isn't currently interested, or by pushing on every occasion.

Now, I haven't covered every aspect of this situation, and frankly I can't because I don't know all of the details. What I can tell you, however, is that no single response is going to answer all the questions. I'm all for helping, and encourage people to help, but at the end of this..you've got to decide.

 

[Freya_Gin]

Agree with all of the above. This is not a good dom you are describing; he's a manipulative jerk who is emotionally blackmailing and taking advantage of your submissive nature. Also, I think I know why he's being like this and believe me, it is NOT your fault. Check out this link and think about how much this sounds like your dom. I'm betting that it will ring a few bells.

 

[moofr]

Make sure you're getting what you need from him

Sorry if this is long, but I think I have some (hopefully) good advice.

Like other people have pointed out already, we can't be sure exactly what your relationship's like with your Master.

But from what you're saying, he does sound like much more of an abusive dick than a good Master.

Personally, I have a relationship with a girl (I'm a guy) where I tend to be in control and she naturally submits (we both love this). She calls me master and daddy and likes knowing I'm in control. She says she finds comfort in it (which is great news for me ).
I myself can be abusive and pretty nasty (There's lots of reasons, but yes, I am aware it's an issue and something I'm working on daily). It is something I've been working on with her because I actually do love her. That being said, I always make sure that I get her thoughts on sex, our dominant/submissive passions, and anything she needs. We have a rape fantasy (I'm the "rapist", of course) that we confessed to each other recently. It got us both very turned on and surprised we were into that stuff, but I let her know right away (as soon as we admitted our fantasy to each other) that I would not have ANY type of rape fantasy unless she was completely comfortable with it (I know I already am). We also love to be open about our sexual interests and we're exploring the boundaries of our little dom/sub dynamic.

The point of me saying that is that I think (and I hope others think) that open communication is very important in sexual relationships and relationships in general. It's even MORE important in BDSM relationships, since they require so much trust by nature.

Like others have said, you should also be able to grow in your sub position.
I mean growing as a person, like seeing new things and feeling new things. As a dom, I tell my little kitty (my sub) that she's beautiful and I remind her that she's amazing.

Being a sub shouldn't mean you tolerate your master's legitimately abusive behavior, which is what it appears like your master is doing to you.

In the end, it's your choice on what to do, but be sure to think through all the aspects of your relationship, and make sure you get the legitimate caring you deserve from your Master.

 

[darksecrets9996]

This is quite interesting...

 

[butterfly_flip]

So, like some people have been saying, there are definitely some issues. Now, this is going to be a bit of a convoluted post, so follow along closely.

Patronising twat.

 

[_Necrosomantic_]

I am so sorry to hear that things have been so rough for you as of late, particularly because you are still finding yourself and how you relate to this shift in lifestyle. In response to your coming on here and bearing yourself to a bunch of strangers, I can only be terribly frank in my reply.

This is toxic and I urge you to seriously consider moving on. I'm aware of how harsh it sounds, but I will back it up by pointing some things out.

" I have attempted on multiple occasions to speak with my Master about this, but he does not wish to talk about it(i.e. he says that I am being too emotional(which may be true; I have some emotional/anxiety problems that make things seem worse than they are) and dismisses the subject, or he gets upset."

This is a clear indication of a severe communication breakdown that needs to be recognized and discussed by both of you before any attempt at resolution can even begin to occur. The fact that you say you have anxiety issues, yet he brushes these aside in favor of laying blame solely at your door, is disturbing. Regardless of what labels are placed on a relationship, it's still something that is built upon mutual trust and understanding, neither of which I am seeing here.

" Due mostly to my own failures to obey some cases, follow through on some promises, be honest, or not provide my Master with desirable results, he has told me that he cannot trust me, does not love me, and has grown tired of me. He has made it clear that I will be replaced if I do not change(he has a vision or goal of wanting a 'harem' of females for himself, which I had been included in at one point, but that has changed due to my incompetence), and, while I do enjoy being verbally put-down in sexual situations, he does it almost daily outside of sessions, which is not arousing at all and very hurtful as I am ridiculously sensitive to his criticism. Despite telling him about it and how I feel, he only says it will continue until I change, which I am trying hard to do so I may win his trust and love back."

This is not dominance, this is mental/emotional abuse and manipulation. Understand, there is a world of difference between " breaking " someone and psychologically crushing them so they fit into whatever Machiavellian, narcissistic, delusional little world they have constructed in their head. The fact that he is aware of not only the strong feelings you hold for him, but also your self admitted issues with emotions, yet chooses to continue doing this crosses the line. Period.

" No matter how I try, though, I end up slipping up by saying something disrespectful or not following through on an order, which causes him to grow furious very quickly, which has been terrifying since I cannot handle conflict well due to the anxiety. The conversation or session(which we have through text roleplay or video chat) ends up eventually with me bowing to him(which I love doing usually, but it feels... different in these situations) or him "sending me away"/ refusing to speak to me.
But my Master is not always like this. I have known him to be considerate, gentlemanly, warm, and encouraging, and he is always trying to help me become a better person. I understand that my inability to be pleasing or satisfactory has caused his patience to wear thin and alter his personality some from how it used to be, and nothing troubles me more than to know I cause him as much stress and drain him emotionally, as he says I do. I am doing my best, but it does not seem like enough."

* sigh * Sending you away or refusing to speak to you because things aren't going his way is not something a Dom would do, that's what a child does. Based on your descriptions, you are more than willing to please and follow commands issued so, at this point, these are his failings, not yours. I'm not saying you are perfect, I wouldn't know one way or the other, but given that you have seemingly put yourself out there as best you can, it's plain as day that the lack of wanting to put forth any real effort on his part speaks to a complete absence of respect for your feelings as a person. You are being invalidated.

Case in point

So, like some people have been saying, there are definitely some issues. Now, this is going to be a bit of a convoluted post, so follow along closely.

" snip "
Nope.

A prime example of the sort of self important, passive aggressive, verbal diarrhea you are probably being subjected to. Which imparts the sense that, one that acts this way, isn't fit to " Dom " anything higher up on the evolutionary chain than fucking pocket lint or the drool that accumulates on their pillow while they sleep.

Again, if he isn't willing to at least have any real dialogue about this with you, I urge you to seriously reconsider your arrangement. Despite how you have been made to feel, you have worth and don't deserve to be treated like this.

( Also, if your post is " rambling ", I just put the whole of the Internet to sleep )

 

[Ananya2017]

I can just say about me. I was 19 and he was 43. I never said no to him and every time he took me to heaven. We are still together for 10yrs. I love my hubby so much.

 

[Lord_Johnny]

Patronising twat.

Oh bugger off. Telling people something can be complicated isn't patronising. It's trying to let me warn people ahead of time.

 

[KimGordon67]

Oh bugger off. Telling people something can be complicated isn't patronising. It's trying to let me people ahead of time.

No, but suggesting that someone can't follow something just because it's complicated IS patronising. If you wanted to say your post was convoluted, then just say that, and maybe apologise for not being able to write more succinctly, rather than implying if the reader can't follow you, it's THEIR fault.

 

[cascadiabound]

It concerns me that the OP has now completely removed her original post after having received a bunch of advice that may have felt critical of her "Master"

While I believe that everyone (including myself) has been legitimately concerned for her and her well being - I do hope she has not been scared off.

SheepInWolves...
Please come back and tell us how you are doing and what you are thinking ~
at least at some point.

cb

 

[cookiecat]

I think his/her profile name was a clue to who this person was - or wasn't...

Before we all gather 'round to impart the wisdom, shouldn't newbies need to post at least twice in a thread?

I'm being (a little) facetious but many times, feels like we spin our collective wheels for a sheep in wolves clothing.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

I think his/her profile name was a clue to who this person was - or wasn't...

Before we all gather 'round to impart the wisdom, shouldn't newbies need to post at least twice in a thread?

I'm being (a little) facetious but many times, feels like we spin our collective wheels for a sheep in wolves clothing.

I get this, but the counter would be to consider the lurkers and others who may benefit from the spinning of experienced wheels.

 

[cookiecat]

I get this, but the counter would be to consider the lurkers and others who may benefit from the spinning of experienced wheels.

I was totally kidding but kind of not.

Yeah - I can see the value in just having the info available to someone with the same question. (Except when it's deleted)


There is a lot of good stuff from a lot of good folks.

 

[SalvDali]

I am in the right place to seek advice

The responses to this post, even though it was deleted before I got to read it, has insured to me that I have found the right place to seek out advice. So even if this was just a troll, I am glad to see so many posts basically screaming GTFO cause this isn't healthy and/or safe.

 

[barefootgirl69]

This...

I am so sorry to hear that things have been so rough for you as of late, particularly because you are still finding yourself and how you relate to this shift in lifestyle. In response to your coming on here and bearing yourself to a bunch of strangers, I can only be terribly frank in my reply.

This is toxic and I urge you to seriously consider moving on. I'm aware of how harsh it sounds, but I will back it up by pointing some things out.

" I have attempted on multiple occasions to speak with my Master about this, but he does not wish to talk about it(i.e. he says that I am being too emotional(which may be true; I have some emotional/anxiety problems that make things seem worse than they are) and dismisses the subject, or he gets upset."

This is a clear indication of a severe communication breakdown that needs to be recognized and discussed by both of you before any attempt at resolution can even begin to occur. The fact that you say you have anxiety issues, yet he brushes these aside in favor of laying blame solely at your door, is disturbing. Regardless of what labels are placed on a relationship, it's still something that is built upon mutual trust and understanding, neither of which I am seeing here.

" Due mostly to my own failures to obey some cases, follow through on some promises, be honest, or not provide my Master with desirable results, he has told me that he cannot trust me, does not love me, and has grown tired of me. He has made it clear that I will be replaced if I do not change(he has a vision or goal of wanting a 'harem' of females for himself, which I had been included in at one point, but that has changed due to my incompetence), and, while I do enjoy being verbally put-down in sexual situations, he does it almost daily outside of sessions, which is not arousing at all and very hurtful as I am ridiculously sensitive to his criticism. Despite telling him about it and how I feel, he only says it will continue until I change, which I am trying hard to do so I may win his trust and love back."

This is not dominance, this is mental/emotional abuse and manipulation. Understand, there is a world of difference between " breaking " someone and psychologically crushing them so they fit into whatever Machiavellian, narcissistic, delusional little world they have constructed in their head. The fact that he is aware of not only the strong feelings you hold for him, but also your self admitted issues with emotions, yet chooses to continue doing this crosses the line. Period.

" No matter how I try, though, I end up slipping up by saying something disrespectful or not following through on an order, which causes him to grow furious very quickly, which has been terrifying since I cannot handle conflict well due to the anxiety. The conversation or session(which we have through text roleplay or video chat) ends up eventually with me bowing to him(which I love doing usually, but it feels... different in these situations) or him "sending me away"/ refusing to speak to me.
But my Master is not always like this. I have known him to be considerate, gentlemanly, warm, and encouraging, and he is always trying to help me become a better person. I understand that my inability to be pleasing or satisfactory has caused his patience to wear thin and alter his personality some from how it used to be, and nothing troubles me more than to know I cause him as much stress and drain him emotionally, as he says I do. I am doing my best, but it does not seem like enough."

* sigh * Sending you away or refusing to speak to you because things aren't going his way is not something a Dom would do, that's what a child does. Based on your descriptions, you are more than willing to please and follow commands issued so, at this point, these are his failings, not yours. I'm not saying you are perfect, I wouldn't know one way or the other, but given that you have seemingly put yourself out there as best you can, it's plain as day that the lack of wanting to put forth any real effort on his part speaks to a complete absence of respect for your feelings as a person. You are being invalidated.

Case in point

A prime example of the sort of self important, passive aggressive, verbal diarrhea you are probably being subjected to. Which imparts the sense that, one that acts this way, isn't fit to " Dom " anything higher up on the evolutionary chain than fucking pocket lint or the drool that accumulates on their pillow while they sleep.

Again, if he isn't willing to at least have any real dialogue about this with you, I urge you to seriously reconsider your arrangement. Despite how you have been made to feel, you have worth and don't deserve to be treated like this.

( Also, if your post is " rambling ", I just put the whole of the Internet to sleep )