Newbie seeks constructive feedback

[theperversifier]

Hi everyone. My first filthy romp has just been posted:

Lord Melchior.

It's got a bit of almost everything--first time, group sex, a little non-consent/reluctance, and...well, I'll save some surprises.

I'd love to get some critiques, in the interest of refining this story, and my writing skills generally.

Thanks in advance for any help.

ThePerversifier

 

[wishfulthinking]

I thought it was a great effort for a first story!

The beginning was a bit off-putting, because he is telling a story, and I personally don't like the "telling" as opposed to "doing", even though it is essentially what your story is - a re-accounting. But soon it crosses the line to telling, and I don't know if that was intentional or not on your part, sort of a conscious draw the reader in, and things pick up. The story is steamy enough that readers will enjoy it!

I'm only part way through, and I will finish it soon, I promise.

Again, great story and keep writing!

 

[theperversifier]

Thanks, wishfulthinking

I appreciate the encouragement.

Your comments bring up a specific question I'd love help on, if you (or others) have suggestions: how do I cope with that transition from the character telling his story, to him becoming the narrator--specifically how do I deal with the quotes? I don't want to endlessly have quotes within quotes, but as it stands now the quotes around Zaccheus's telling of the story just sort of fade out.

Anyway, thanks again--it's nice getting the feedback.

 

[Jaymie_dee]

Just a thought...

I just started reading your story, which I am enjoying very much, and it struck me that quite often I'm not completely sure which character is speaking or asking a question. It is left up to the reader to determine whom is speaking, and is especially complicated when one speaker is quoting someone else.

Just a thought, but you might try easing the burden on a reader by identifying the speaker. Instead of..."Why did you do that?" and leaving it as such, you might perhaps try something like..."Why did you do that?" Asked Arif, looking somewhat puzzled.

It identifyes the speaker and can even begin to create, or add to, personality traits or character development.

All in all, though, your story is nicely done...keep up the good work, I'm enjoying it.

 

[theperversifier]

Re: Just a thought...

Thanks, Jaymie. Your suggestion about clarifying who the speakers are during dialogue is well taken--I do tend to err on the side of vagueness in my effort to avoid over-use of attribution. You're right, though, there are opportunities there for using attribution to develop character and even bring out how things are being said.

And thanks for your praise--glad you're enjoying my naughty bit of debauchery.