Newbie author seeking input
- Thread starter coupe59
- Start date
the_bragis
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Mar 25, 2002
- Posts
- 389
Hi Coupe,
Those links didn't work for me, maybe they did for others. Anyway here it is again:
Coupe's hot stories
I'm going to have a little read now, they look good.
Alex (fem)
Those links didn't work for me, maybe they did for others. Anyway here it is again:
Coupe's hot stories
I'm going to have a little read now, they look good.
Alex (fem)
gaigirl
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Aug 29, 2002
- Posts
- 267
Nubia
I liked the story for the most part, although I thought Nubia and her partner cut to the chase pretty quickly without much chance for the reader to get to know them.
First off, What is Nubia's job? I know from the first paragraph that her feet were screaming from being on the floor all day. Aren't feet usually on the floor? (i.e. if her feet hurt because she had been standing all day, say it that way.) Later I find that she has been tending charglings, so I wonder why her feet hurt. Maybe her job doesn't matter-- this is an erotic story, but I like to see more character development. Along the same lines, is there a reason the "he" doesn't ever get named?
There are some punctuation problems where you skipped periods and spaces. I can live with that as a reader, especially on this forum, but spelling errors really bug me, and spoil the mood when I am reading. (third Paragraph-- she new that her daughter... his hands wondered down to her strong inner thighs...)
If I were to offer any kind of suggestions for improvement, I would say that after I write a story, I put it away for a day or two before I submit, since I know I am not very good at proofreading my own work--I know it too well. Once the freshness of a story has worn off a bit for me, I then can go back and read it again as an editor and proofreader, and I can catch the things that spellcheck missed.
Overall though, your writing reads smoothly and easily for me, and I hope you continue to offer more.
Gg
I liked the story for the most part, although I thought Nubia and her partner cut to the chase pretty quickly without much chance for the reader to get to know them.
First off, What is Nubia's job? I know from the first paragraph that her feet were screaming from being on the floor all day. Aren't feet usually on the floor? (i.e. if her feet hurt because she had been standing all day, say it that way.) Later I find that she has been tending charglings, so I wonder why her feet hurt. Maybe her job doesn't matter-- this is an erotic story, but I like to see more character development. Along the same lines, is there a reason the "he" doesn't ever get named?
There are some punctuation problems where you skipped periods and spaces. I can live with that as a reader, especially on this forum, but spelling errors really bug me, and spoil the mood when I am reading. (third Paragraph-- she new that her daughter... his hands wondered down to her strong inner thighs...)
If I were to offer any kind of suggestions for improvement, I would say that after I write a story, I put it away for a day or two before I submit, since I know I am not very good at proofreading my own work--I know it too well. Once the freshness of a story has worn off a bit for me, I then can go back and read it again as an editor and proofreader, and I can catch the things that spellcheck missed.
Overall though, your writing reads smoothly and easily for me, and I hope you continue to offer more.
Gg
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gaigirl
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Aug 29, 2002
- Posts
- 267
Study Break
I liked the Nubia story better, because it was much easier to read. I saw a couple of things with this story that didn't ring true for me.
If David doesn't get off work until 5, and Amy is in the tv lounge from 1-5, how is it that they often meet there? Seems like David spends a lot of his "work" time studying, chatting in the TV lounge etc. Possibly true of security guards, but doesn't feel right, especially when David starts studying in her room while he is supposedly on the clock.
In this story, the paragraph that starts out "that particular night..." uses dorm too many times, too close together. Try it like this--
That particular night, the dorm was hotter than usual. The university didn't have air conditioning in the dorms due to the small number of students who lived there during summer term.
In the sentence after that, no comma after Nor.
Nor did the university furnish fans.
The university is not a they, it is an it. I find lots of grammar problems like that-- (... an old military man and had high expectations for his students. He had a lot of studying to be properly prepared.) Who is HE-- I am sure you mean David, but there is pronoun confusion here. Reads as though it is the professor who has a lot of studying. Anyway, Poor David had a lot of studying TO DO to be properly prepared.
Another example of less than proper grammar... "he buried his eyes into his books"
No, not into, in.
"No answer could not have been more obvious"
No answer could have been...
Too many of those kind of glitches stops me from wanting to continue reading. Were I not trying to provide you feedback, your story would be all over for me at that point.
The story itself isn't bad-- this one could have used a round with one of the many volunteer editors.
I don't know how other readers feel when they read, or whether they give lower votes when there are spelling and grammar errors, but I vote low in such cases, because that sort of thing really ruins a good story for me, and I personally feel that with the vast resources available right here on this forum through the use of the editors, and the many other writers' tools, there isn't a very good reason for these kind of mistakes to pass other than carelessness.
So you can hate me if you want to, but you asked for feedback, and I gave you my honest opinion. You have talent for storytelling, but a bit of polishing will get you higher votes, and keep my attention longer.
Respectfully, even if it doesn't sound like it--
Gg
I liked the Nubia story better, because it was much easier to read. I saw a couple of things with this story that didn't ring true for me.
If David doesn't get off work until 5, and Amy is in the tv lounge from 1-5, how is it that they often meet there? Seems like David spends a lot of his "work" time studying, chatting in the TV lounge etc. Possibly true of security guards, but doesn't feel right, especially when David starts studying in her room while he is supposedly on the clock.
In this story, the paragraph that starts out "that particular night..." uses dorm too many times, too close together. Try it like this--
That particular night, the dorm was hotter than usual. The university didn't have air conditioning in the dorms due to the small number of students who lived there during summer term.
In the sentence after that, no comma after Nor.
Nor did the university furnish fans.
The university is not a they, it is an it. I find lots of grammar problems like that-- (... an old military man and had high expectations for his students. He had a lot of studying to be properly prepared.) Who is HE-- I am sure you mean David, but there is pronoun confusion here. Reads as though it is the professor who has a lot of studying. Anyway, Poor David had a lot of studying TO DO to be properly prepared.
Another example of less than proper grammar... "he buried his eyes into his books"
No, not into, in.
"No answer could not have been more obvious"
No answer could have been...
Too many of those kind of glitches stops me from wanting to continue reading. Were I not trying to provide you feedback, your story would be all over for me at that point.
The story itself isn't bad-- this one could have used a round with one of the many volunteer editors.
I don't know how other readers feel when they read, or whether they give lower votes when there are spelling and grammar errors, but I vote low in such cases, because that sort of thing really ruins a good story for me, and I personally feel that with the vast resources available right here on this forum through the use of the editors, and the many other writers' tools, there isn't a very good reason for these kind of mistakes to pass other than carelessness.
So you can hate me if you want to, but you asked for feedback, and I gave you my honest opinion. You have talent for storytelling, but a bit of polishing will get you higher votes, and keep my attention longer.
Respectfully, even if it doesn't sound like it--
Gg
Thanks for your response!
I appreciate your feedback critical or not. It is important that any writer learn and grow from "glitches" like you have pointed out. Although you don't believe the story line of "Study Break", it is a
true one with very little embellishment. I suppose that means I need to clarify things more next time though.
Thank you for you time and input.
Coupe59
I appreciate your feedback critical or not. It is important that any writer learn and grow from "glitches" like you have pointed out. Although you don't believe the story line of "Study Break", it is a
true one with very little embellishment. I suppose that means I need to clarify things more next time though.
Thank you for you time and input.
Coupe59
the_bragis
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Mar 25, 2002
- Posts
- 389
Hi Coupe,
Well, I chose to read the Nubia story. It's nice. Short, sweet, and sexy.
Sure, some punctuation is missing, and there are a few typos/spelling errors, but nothing I couldn't skim over. For what's worth, in this case, one vote per story. I'm not inclined to vote low because of that. I did notice, however, a couple of the errors where words were joined together, even if you don't have the luxury of a word program, you can use your mail account spell check. It won't pick everything up, but it certainly will eliminate those.
I know having an editor is very worthwhile, but I'm also aware it isn't easy finding one.
Unlike giagirl, I didn't feel I needed to know what Nubia did for a living. Unless she was on her feet all day at the local strip joint. There is however, a definite need for more detail.
Particularly since your story is in the interracial story section, you really could have included more descriptions of him and her. You need to be mindful that readers who seek out this type of story, look for, and enjoy the contrasts between races, especially the physical differences.
He leaned over her and removed the towel from around her with his teeth.
M-m... Nice! Do you mind if I use that myself sometime?
You have a good feel for erotica. I wish you well with your future efforts.
Have a great day.
Alex (fem)
Well, I chose to read the Nubia story. It's nice. Short, sweet, and sexy.
Sure, some punctuation is missing, and there are a few typos/spelling errors, but nothing I couldn't skim over. For what's worth, in this case, one vote per story. I'm not inclined to vote low because of that. I did notice, however, a couple of the errors where words were joined together, even if you don't have the luxury of a word program, you can use your mail account spell check. It won't pick everything up, but it certainly will eliminate those.
I know having an editor is very worthwhile, but I'm also aware it isn't easy finding one.
Unlike giagirl, I didn't feel I needed to know what Nubia did for a living. Unless she was on her feet all day at the local strip joint. There is however, a definite need for more detail.
Particularly since your story is in the interracial story section, you really could have included more descriptions of him and her. You need to be mindful that readers who seek out this type of story, look for, and enjoy the contrasts between races, especially the physical differences.
He leaned over her and removed the towel from around her with his teeth.
M-m... Nice! Do you mind if I use that myself sometime?
You have a good feel for erotica. I wish you well with your future efforts.
Have a great day.
Alex (fem)
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Hey Alex!
Thanks for the imput! I'm glad you enjoyed it. I will definately work on the character develop[ment next time and watch for those silly errors! Hope if you read the other story you'l take time to give some feedback as well! Nice to get chance to learn in a friendly environment.
Take care and hope to talk with you more in the future.
Coupe
P.S. Got any pics? Like to put face with comments, if you're inclined!
Thanks for the imput! I'm glad you enjoyed it. I will definately work on the character develop[ment next time and watch for those silly errors! Hope if you read the other story you'l take time to give some feedback as well! Nice to get chance to learn in a friendly environment.
Take care and hope to talk with you more in the future.
Coupe
P.S. Got any pics? Like to put face with comments, if you're inclined!
Chantal Marchon
Decadent Goddess
- Joined
- Feb 3, 2002
- Posts
- 1,137
After reading Nubia, I had a few thoughts on it. Wimper- in the last paragraph, I belive should be whimper.
and I know you are probably trying for drama, but geez, is the woman mute?
Sorry, I can't seem to get into a story without dialogue, but that is my personal taste. I realize that other people will like it just fine and after all, you are probably writing to please yourself as it is virtually impossible to please everyone that reads a story.
Carry on! The story in other respects is quite good.
and I know you are probably trying for drama, but geez, is the woman mute?
Sorry, I can't seem to get into a story without dialogue, but that is my personal taste. I realize that other people will like it just fine and after all, you are probably writing to please yourself as it is virtually impossible to please everyone that reads a story.
Carry on! The story in other respects is quite good.
Thanks for taking the time to write a response!
Hi Chantal!
Thanks for your input! I definately appreciate all the critiques. These are my first attempts to share you the readership. I've found it a great tool to remember and work through passions.
It is great to learn from more experienced writers. By the way, if that pic is truely you, it is quite striking!
Again, thanks for you time!
Coupe
Hi Chantal!
Thanks for your input! I definately appreciate all the critiques. These are my first attempts to share you the readership. I've found it a great tool to remember and work through passions.
It is great to learn from more experienced writers. By the way, if that pic is truely you, it is quite striking!
Again, thanks for you time!
Coupe
gaigirl
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Aug 29, 2002
- Posts
- 267
Nubia Revisited
Thinking about what Bragis said-- it isn't that I need to know what Nubia does for a living, but in the first paragraph, there is detail about her feet that hurt, and that detail is not really touched on anywhere in the rest of the story. If you wanted to make the story a little longer, could "he" start with some foot massage as a means of foreplay? that kind of thing would make her aching feet have meaning-- I agree that her job really isn't the point.
From this, I learned that if I mention a detail, it needs to be important to the story overall. For this reason I got stuck on Nubia's aching feet.... Start of a foot fettish? Maybe, but I felt empathy for her when I read that, because I work on my feet all day, and know the feeling well-- coming home and stepping out of each garment as I walk straight through the house from front door to shower.
Reading Chantal's comments was helpful for me as well. I think my own stories are "dialogue weak", and I am probably not as good at writing dialogue as I am with narrative.
Anyway, Coupe's courage in sharing the stories in the first place was also an inspiration. In my second story, which personally, I think is better than the fisrt one in terms of writing-- my ratings suck the big one but there has been not a single feedback message, and I am wondering why people don't like it. Probably, it is in the wrong category. It is about an encounter that was awful, and I posted it in interracial, because it fit that scenario, but I don't think it is what readers who visit that category want to read.
Kind of stuck sometimes when choosing the best place to post a new story.
Gg-- two cents poorer and suddenly no longer a virgin--
When someone says, "A penny for your thoughts" and you give them your two cents worth, where does the other penny go?
Thinking about what Bragis said-- it isn't that I need to know what Nubia does for a living, but in the first paragraph, there is detail about her feet that hurt, and that detail is not really touched on anywhere in the rest of the story. If you wanted to make the story a little longer, could "he" start with some foot massage as a means of foreplay? that kind of thing would make her aching feet have meaning-- I agree that her job really isn't the point.
From this, I learned that if I mention a detail, it needs to be important to the story overall. For this reason I got stuck on Nubia's aching feet.... Start of a foot fettish? Maybe, but I felt empathy for her when I read that, because I work on my feet all day, and know the feeling well-- coming home and stepping out of each garment as I walk straight through the house from front door to shower.
Reading Chantal's comments was helpful for me as well. I think my own stories are "dialogue weak", and I am probably not as good at writing dialogue as I am with narrative.
Anyway, Coupe's courage in sharing the stories in the first place was also an inspiration. In my second story, which personally, I think is better than the fisrt one in terms of writing-- my ratings suck the big one but there has been not a single feedback message, and I am wondering why people don't like it. Probably, it is in the wrong category. It is about an encounter that was awful, and I posted it in interracial, because it fit that scenario, but I don't think it is what readers who visit that category want to read.
Kind of stuck sometimes when choosing the best place to post a new story.
Gg-- two cents poorer and suddenly no longer a virgin--
When someone says, "A penny for your thoughts" and you give them your two cents worth, where does the other penny go?
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