Newbie author seeking feedback

[steveking]

I've got a bunch of half-done stories. These things take me forever. I find it helps to jump to a different story when I run out of steam on the one I'm working on (and of course, sometimes you have an idea that you just have to start writing down), but it does make it that much harder to actually finish one.

I did get one finished recently, however, and I thought maybe if I could get some feedback (including constructive criticism) it might help with the stuff I'm working on now.

"Her Bizarre Craving" - having sex with a pregnant co-worker, includes adultery and a group-sex dream sequence, so you may want to avoid if any of that is not your thing.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=314635

Thanks,

Steve

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Let me see. I'll do the nit-picking first.

"Stacy was a 24-year-old..." Don't use numbers except in dates and time. This should read "...twenty-four year old..." Note the dashes are different?

"Soon we were sitting in a booth at Subway..." You need to learn to be careful with certain words... Soon, then, etc. What does soon mean in this sentence? Ten minutes? The next day? You would be better to say "Seated in a booth at subway..." This doesn't give rise to the questions.

You next sentence in that same paragraph: "Stacy was wearing a dark blue polka-dotted blouse that buttoned down the front and had a wide collar and short sleeves. It had a blue ribbon that cinched just below her bust, allowing the blouse to hang loosely over her belly, but pulling it pretty tightly across her breasts, which looked enormous."

Look, you already told us she has big tits. We don't care about her dress. This is all useless discription. There are several ways to have handeled this without boring us. For instance, "As we chatted, I couldn't help but notice the way her polka-dot blouse cinched just below her more than ample bust and the hem fell over her bulging tummy."

Something like that.

Then after another ten paragraphs you actually get down to the story. By now, most readers have already back clicked. So Solly, Charlie.

On the other hand, your story (when you get around to telling it) is not too bad. You writing is a bit confused, but as good as most new writers.

I'll give you a hint. Just write you story. My original stories are about 10,000. Then set it aside for a day or two. When you go back to it, start by cutting out everything that doesn't move the story along. Mine usually ending up around 2000 to 3500 words (Yes, I chop out 2/3s of the story as unnecessary).

Keep going and try again. You'll do ok as a writer here

 

[mjl2010]

I read the whole thing. You have a good start, a good middle and a good end. Obviously people are reading and liking it, you've got a pretty red "H" thingie right next to the story.

I had no issues really. The story flowed right along. There weren't any 3000 word paragraphs or 200 word sentences. Your spelling was fine except somewhere you used the word though instead of thought. Minor typo.

Well done and finish up some of that other stuff so we can read it.

I liked how you left the end open so maybe you could write a sequel.

MJL

 

[TxRad]

Welcome aboard....

Don't feel lonely on the unfinished story front. I have three folders full. There are the new stories that I had to start so they would quit bugging me. There's the in work folder and then there is the backburner folder with stuff I've about given up on. That's a grand total over over one hundred stories started....

If I finish two a month I consider I'm doing well although sometime my Muse shows off and I finish five or write large sections on a backburner story which ends up back in the in work folder. I find moving from story to story helps a lot when I don't have the energy to write. It also lets my writing fit my mood.

Keep writing, they'll all get finished sooner or later, in some cases way later...

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I must be a bit cynical, because you've got a good score and comments here are supportive, but it did nothing for me.

Very well written in the grammatical, presentational sense - it just wasn't a story, just stroke (nothing wrong with that).

The characters were barely two dimensional and as an exploration of pregnant women's fantasies of sex it just read as a guy's masturbation fantasies.

You have a good writing ability, and if you could start to see/write from both sexes point of view you could do even better.

Sorry to be critical, but you asked and I read.

Elle

 

[steveking]

Thanks for the comments and encouragement.

Elfin Odalisque, you're right that my intent with this story is purely pornographic. It's hard to know how to strike a balance between realism/good charactarisation vs. arousing fantasy. The woman's erotic dream that she relates to the guy is more of a male fantasy because I found the idea of a woman having that sort of dream to be very arousing (note that I at least included a hint that she may have been making up something that she thought would turn him on). But that risks losing some readers like yourself. I appreciate the kind words about my writing.

mjl2010: Thanks for pointing that out. I actually didn't see the scarlet H until you mentioned it, mostly because I'd been keeping tabs on the story via my Control Panel page, which shows votes but not those icons. That's encouraging.

TxRad: Glad to know I'm not the only one with a bunch of fragments on my hard drive. Time to defrag.

Jenny Jackson: You're so right about the need to edit to make sure every paragraph moves the story along (or my version, make sure every paragraph moves the reader's arousal along, which is probably even more subjective). And about not letting description hold up the story. I revised this one, but didn't really take the scissors to it and could probably make it leaner.