New Year's Eve2: Attention twelveone and chipbutty

[vrosej10]

New Year’s Evening
tonight the world was a charcoal picture
enwrapping me in the almost tangible black
when my eyes were attracted to a green glow;
bioluminescent mushrooms clinging to a log
but after only a moment’s still observation
a mob of party-goers stole my darkness.


here's the new edit. Questions? Comments? I REALLY value the imput.

 

[butters]

New Year’s Evening
tonight the world was a charcoal picture
enwrapping me in the almost tangible black
when my eyes were attracted to a green glow;
bioluminescent mushrooms clinging to a log
but after only a moment’s still observation
a mob of party-goers stole my darkness.


here's the new edit. Questions? Comments? I REALLY value the input.

hiya, V

first line works for me

second - not happy with enwrapping or almost. personally, i'd stick with wrapping - it has the connotations of comfort, softness, protection; almost feels a bit wishy washy - your opening line's so strong, you could afford (imo) to go directly with 'wrapping me in (its) tangible black'. i'd probably drop it's

questioning your semi-colon end L3 - a colon before going on to explain a statement, or maybe a simple dash (as i would use, but this isn't my voice or my poem), then maybe using the semi after log

something troubling me in a really small, nitty way, about 'still observation'... i see it, but... could you, maybe, simply use stillness there? you've already said your eyes were on them, so already observing. i think stillness might offer you that sensation of the rest of the world holding back for that moment...

so, something like:

tonight the world was a charcoal picture
wrapping me in tangible black.
my eyes were attracted to a green glow -
bioluminescent mushrooms clinging to a log -
but after only a moment’s stillness
a mob of party-goers stole my darkness.

hope something here helps you make decisions. don't worry if it doesn't though. just my opinions

p.s do you really need 'a mob of'?

tonight the world was a charcoal picture
wrapping me in tangible black.
my eyes were attracted to a green glow -
bioluminescent mushrooms clinging to a log -
but after only a moment’s stillness
party-goers stole my darkness.

 

[vrosej10]

New Year’s Evening
tonight the world was a charcoal picture
wrapping me in the tangible black
when my eyes were attracted to a green glow—
bioluminescent mushrooms clinging to a log
but after only a moment’s observation
party-goers stole my darkness.


Here's a new edit. I did have some issues with the observation line but mine were with the still. Far call on 'mob'; it lowers the tone and I had it there large to describe a group which is coming through fine in the multiple of party goers plus there's assonance with the o in observation but only/moment/goers/stole is plenty. I see the point with almost and a dash is better after glow, ya just could leave that unpunctuated. I think it would feel unfinished.

 

[butters]

so, V, how do YOU feel about the changes? does it make it stronger for you? do you feel it stays true to your intent?

i also think that, given your title, the mobbishness of the partygoers can be inferred, even if it is a non-violent mobbishness

i'm liking it lots better, but it's how you as its creator feel that matters when editing. in my evva so 'umble 'pinion, that is.

 

[vrosej10]

so, V, how do YOU feel about the changes? does it make it stronger for you? do you feel it stays true to your intent?

i also think that, given your title, the mobbishness of the partygoers can be inferred, even if it is a non-violent mobbishness

i'm liking it lots better, but it's how you as its creator feel that matters when editing. in my evva so 'umble 'pinion, that is.

I am liking it more too! It's tighter and sharper. Thanks to you and twelveoone for giving me boot up the bum with the editing. I REALLY needed it.

 

[twelveoone]

New Year’s Evening
tonight the world was a charcoal picture
wrapping me in the tangible black
when my eyes were attracted to a green glow—
bioluminescent mushrooms clinging to a log
but after only a moment’s observation
party-goers stole my darkness.


Here's a new edit. I did have some issues with the observation line but mine were with the still. Far call on 'mob'; it lowers the tone and I had it there large to describe a group which is coming through fine in the multiple of party goers plus there's assonance with the o in observation but only/moment/goers/stole is plenty. I see the point with almost and a dash is better after glow, ya just could leave that unpunctuated. I think it would feel unfinished.

wrapping - consider mod to enveloping, for the l,
I kind of liked "the mob" oh, oh
"my eyes were attracted" looks like it could be improved, a "W' wonder? sound, be cool if you find a way to work two of them in
clinging sounds way to jangly for the line

you know what VR, this looks like one you ride around for a while, it's not a toss away, and it not something to be forced. its good, the basic idea is worth thought, see if you get some more feedback, keep playing with it till you get sick of it, something like this is worth at least a month.