New Writer
- Thread starter ellacas
- Start date
Varian P
writing again
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2004
- Posts
- 1,429
Varian P
writing again
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2004
- Posts
- 1,429
Hi, Ella.
You've got a nice, easy-going narrative style. I like your opening paragraph—you've done a good job of dropping me right into the action. And, very quickly, you've got me thinking Paul's a pretty sexy guy. It's nothing to do with your physical description of him—which is the easier thing. You're accomplishing the more difficult task of winning me over with his personality. I just like the way he comes across in the beginning of the story: self-assured, sensual, and maybe just a bit naughty in the way he confronts the narrator's discomfort with her dawning realization about Claire/their relationship.
I'm confused. Maybe it should read "and she had fallen deeply in love with him." If you mean that both the narrator and Claire had fallen deeply in love with him, I guess I need the extra help of "…and we had both fallen…"
I'm also a bit confused as to whether the narrator has not seen Claire, her best friend, since she and Paul returned from their four month trip. If this is the first time she's seen her, and they're best friends, they don't seem very excited to see one another—even if there's some surprising circumstances coming into focus. Wouldn't Claire take a moment to slip out of Ally's arms to give her good friend a hug of greeting? Or, if not, when Claire comes into the kitchen once Ally's gone, wouldn't they hug then?
The transition between the second the third paragraphs seems extremely abrupt to me. The two women are having a serious, somewhat painful conversation, and suddenly Paul is kissing the narrator's neck and rubbing his erection against her, and she's describing her physical attributes. I actually like Paul quite a bit so far, he seems sexy. And I want him to be a little more sensitive than this. I think if you just finesse the transition a little, you'll get that.
Two things: first, I thought he was behind the narrator, kissing her neck. Now he's "laughing back" and "winking." If they've changed positions, make it clear so it's less confusing. Second, when he delivers this line I'm not sure, at first, which woman he's talking to, since Claire has just been extolling his virtues as a lover, and the conversation thus far has focused on Claire sleeping with women, and at Paul's request. This seems an abrupt way to introduce the idea of Paul sleeping with other people—and with the narrator specifically—both for the story, and for the reader, in my opinion.
Eeep! Please make it, "My nipples had popped up…"
There are a few places where you repeat yourself unnecessarily. Here's one example:
On the other hand, you have some fresh descriptions in your sex scenes, such as "tasting the sweet pepperyness of the two of us on his finger."
Overall I enjoyed the story, and, judging by the stronger points in the story it seems to me that it's well within your ability to make the somewhat weaker points better.
I hope some of what I've said will be useful to you.
-Varian
You've got a nice, easy-going narrative style. I like your opening paragraph—you've done a good job of dropping me right into the action. And, very quickly, you've got me thinking Paul's a pretty sexy guy. It's nothing to do with your physical description of him—which is the easier thing. You're accomplishing the more difficult task of winning me over with his personality. I just like the way he comes across in the beginning of the story: self-assured, sensual, and maybe just a bit naughty in the way he confronts the narrator's discomfort with her dawning realization about Claire/their relationship.
I'm confused. Maybe it should read "and she had fallen deeply in love with him." If you mean that both the narrator and Claire had fallen deeply in love with him, I guess I need the extra help of "…and we had both fallen…"
I'm also a bit confused as to whether the narrator has not seen Claire, her best friend, since she and Paul returned from their four month trip. If this is the first time she's seen her, and they're best friends, they don't seem very excited to see one another—even if there's some surprising circumstances coming into focus. Wouldn't Claire take a moment to slip out of Ally's arms to give her good friend a hug of greeting? Or, if not, when Claire comes into the kitchen once Ally's gone, wouldn't they hug then?
The transition between the second the third paragraphs seems extremely abrupt to me. The two women are having a serious, somewhat painful conversation, and suddenly Paul is kissing the narrator's neck and rubbing his erection against her, and she's describing her physical attributes. I actually like Paul quite a bit so far, he seems sexy. And I want him to be a little more sensitive than this. I think if you just finesse the transition a little, you'll get that.
Two things: first, I thought he was behind the narrator, kissing her neck. Now he's "laughing back" and "winking." If they've changed positions, make it clear so it's less confusing. Second, when he delivers this line I'm not sure, at first, which woman he's talking to, since Claire has just been extolling his virtues as a lover, and the conversation thus far has focused on Claire sleeping with women, and at Paul's request. This seems an abrupt way to introduce the idea of Paul sleeping with other people—and with the narrator specifically—both for the story, and for the reader, in my opinion.
Eeep! Please make it, "My nipples had popped up…"
There are a few places where you repeat yourself unnecessarily. Here's one example:
On the other hand, you have some fresh descriptions in your sex scenes, such as "tasting the sweet pepperyness of the two of us on his finger."
Overall I enjoyed the story, and, judging by the stronger points in the story it seems to me that it's well within your ability to make the somewhat weaker points better.
I hope some of what I've said will be useful to you.
-Varian
