New writer would love a little feedback

[Guest]

Hello lit. I've been here for awhile now, but have only discovered the bulletin boards. I have, up until this point tried to get feedback for my story through the chat rooms until someone recommended that I come here.

So here I am.

I intend to submit a great many stories to lit as I've come to enjoy what little feedback I've received and now I'm shamelessly seeking more.

So, I lay myself vulnerable before your slings, arrows, and suggestions.

Pull mighty stallions!!! Show me no mercy.

- Wyld Karde -

P.S.

My stories can be accessed through this link...
http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=125667

 

[hiddenself]

Am speechless

VERY original. You write very well.

I have some quibbles with the sex scene. I thought it was the least imposing in the whole story. Simply too plain. Might you add some dreamlike fantasy there (from Marvin's POV)? Like him seeing himself as physically different (slimmer)? Or him perceiving both himself and Nadia in another dimension (say, ethereal bodies, or ghost-like presences)? Something that would reveal to him the reality of the magical world and make that part of the story more dreamy, new agey?

Point is I thought the story sagged there a little. Maybe also tighten up the front end as well?

Still, it's a clear 5 on my scale. And I AM hard to please.

hiddenself

PS Love the signature.

 

[DarlingNikki]

Wow.

You are a really good writer.

Personally (and it's just my opinion) I don't know about making the sex scene sexier because I don't see this as exactly an erotica story per se, but just a really good short story with a sex scene. In a lot of cases on this site, the plot is just the parsley around the main course and in this case it was the plot I was paying attention to. Also, the ending would have upset me too much if there had been more detailed sex. If any of that makes any sense at all.

Anyway, I look forward to reading more. I forgot to vote, but will go back and give it a 5.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I'm biased. I'm a Chicago boy myself and I know everywhere that Melvin was, Loyola (famous for its non-existant football team!), the L stops, Rogers Park.

But, listen: It's winter in Chicago. His breath is steaming in the air. And this gypsy sets up a picnic table outside? I don't think so.

As I was reading it I was thinking, "He's going on too long about Melvin here at the start." I thought you should start with him seeing the gypsy. She could tell him he needs the candle, he could try and defend his life, and in that way reveal what a sham it was, thus integrating the backstory with the action better. But now I don't know if that would work.

I know that the story's not meant to be serious, but still there's a problem as I see it: Why are they making these candles in the first place? Is it worth killing someone to get--what?--maybe $1000 worth of fat from his body so they can sell more candles? I know. It's a picky point, but still. It ruins the perfect symmetry.

Yes, you can write. It's a very good story. Not that erotic, but good, and I look forward to more.

Regards,

---dr.M.

 

[Guest]

Hmmm, interesting. I'm starting to see things in my story that I didn't before. I went to school at Loyola so I'm pretty familiar with the area myself.

I'm not gonna defend anything I put in the story or didn't put in it. Not only would that defeat the purpose of accepting feedback, it would just be silly. No writer can sit over the readers shoulder and say "What I meant was..." So I'll just have to live with the things I could have changed but didn't.

Still, it's good to see what caught everyones eye.

Keep an eye out for the next one in a few days.

 

[toffeegyrl]

Brilliant...!

yes, please; more!

Sexy and sad at the same time; difficult to do. I thorougly enjoyed it, though.