New Writer New Story - Feedback wanted

[Sarah Davies]

Hi

I've just started writing. I'd like some feedback on my first story.

It's a romance called 'Mmm... Good Afternoon Sex' by Sarah Davies.

I would really appreciate constructive feedback to help me improve.

Sarah

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=244957

 

[Sissy Adele Howells]

Very well written

Hi,
This is one of the best described sex stories Iv'e read on here. Well set out and easy to read. Started off as an ordinary couple, but that soon changed. All I can say is that I enjoyed it very much and can't wait for your next story.I have given it a good vote. Deserves many more.Thanks for sharing this with us.
SISSY ADELE

 

[bobocity]

Good story -- not the best ever, but far from the worst.

I thought your choice not to use any dialogue and just describe things was an interesting one. However, it kind of divorces you from the characters in a way. I liked the story overall.

Cheers

BBCTY

Hi

I've just started writing. I'd like some feedback on my first story.

It's a romance called 'Mmm... Good Afternoon Sex' by Sarah Davies.

I would really appreciate constructive feedback to help me improve.

Sarah

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=244957

 

[CopyCarver]

Interesting Approach, Well Executed

I have no idea whether this was an experiment with alternative style, or is your style of choice. Either way, it's well done.

 

[Sarah Davies]

Wow! Thanks for the positive feedback.

I have another stoy to come it's just being editied at the moment.

I have chosen not to use dialogue, it just didn't feel right - can't really explain it more than that.

I really appreciate that you took time to read my story, thanks.

Sarah

 

[janiexx]

Hello Sarah

I enjoyed your story very much too. It was a little strange for me as I share the same name as one of your characters, but I loved the descriptions and the enjoyment the characters felt.

I'd like to wish you good luck, from one Brit to another, and look forward to reading your next story.

janiexx

 

[Sarah Davies]

Cheers Janie

 

[pent1]

Nice work Sarah. I agree with the others that the style is unique, almost like a voice over or a play-by-play commentary. If read aloud in just the right way, I imagine this would sound very, very erotic. Keep up the nice work.

Pent1

 

[Roselle]

I thought your story was Ok. Overall, it was well written and very nice. However I found myself drifting away from the piece and I got easily distracted - it might have been because I thought your couple didn't have enough quirks, perhaps. Otherwise, for a first story it's really good and you have all the makings of something very good.

 

[Sarah Davies]

Thanks for the comments guys, I'll remember them for future work.

I appreciate your time.

Sarah

 

[Fantasies-only]

Wow! Thanks for the positive feedback.

I have another stoy to come it's just being editied at the moment.

I have chosen not to use dialogue, it just didn't feel right - can't really explain it more than that.

I really appreciate that you took time to read my story, thanks.

Sarah

I never thought about that!
This will be my first erotica (which I really wanted to make a sexual story chain out of), and wanted no dialog, just naration, but figured all stories must have dialog.
I guess I can do it your way too, however, if it was a story chain (no intercourse allowed), each person could put dialog in it.

 

[jtmalone70]

**********

 

[Fantasies-only]

Hi

I've just started writing. I'd like some feedback on my first story.

It's a romance called 'Mmm... Good Afternoon Sex' by Sarah Davies.

I would really appreciate constructive feedback to help me improve.

Sarah

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=244957

"They had been out shopping, a pastime they both enjoyed. Their pleasure came from wandering through small street markets and back street shops. Jane enjoyed discovering strange and beautiful items. The ornate beads and a small piece of jade she found were her most recent finds. Samuel enjoyed watching the amazement in her face when she discovered something. Each item she discovered brought about a child like wonder in her– the discovery of something new, something she had never seen before."
Right away I see a problem, and many other writers do it too.
Where is this couple and what are they doing there?
Who is the woman, and what is her marital status?
Who is the man, and what is his marital status?
In the second paragraph, we should find out the looks and sexual preference of each, and who the supporting characters are?
You could even put in a few "extras" as onlookers, who are not essential characters.

It's just confusing how you write this, and could be worded better as jtmalone70 said.

 

[Sarah Davies]

Thanks for your suggestions, they'll really help with future stories.

I think that you're wanting too much fact though. The story is meant to be read as a day dream.

The emphasis is intended to be on how in love the couple are. That feeling you have when you're with your partner/ husband/ wife etc, that no one else matters at that point except the two of you.

I can definately use your points for future work though.

Thanks for taking the time to read my story, I apprecaite any feedback.

Sarah

 

[Fantasies-only]

Thanks for your suggestions, they'll really help with future stories.

I think that you're wanting too much fact though. The story is meant to be read as a day dream.

The emphasis is intended to be on how in love the couple are. That feeling you have when you're with your partner/ husband/ wife etc, that no one else matters at that point except the two of you.

I can definately use your points for future work though.

Thanks for taking the time to read my story, I apprecaite any feedback.

Sarah

I see, I really only read the first few paragraphs before giving feedback.
I didn't know it was supposed to be a daydream.
If that's the case, some of what I said doesn't apply, but revealing names and locations in the first paragraph is always a good idea, even if just in thought.
I'm really glad you didn't take it the wrong way as I thought you might.
And here I was ready to defend myself.

 

[York]

I like the fact that you wrote in third person and I have no issues whatsoever with no dialogue. I did, however, find the short sentences a bit jarring; it seems almost like a list of events rather than a flowing story, because each sentence was of a very similar length.

JT changed that to an extent in the suggestions she made, and that made an immidiate improvement.

As an aside, it's interesting to see how modern American literature tends to have shorter sentences than modern English literature. Also, compare that to Dickens; go and have a read of something like A Tale of Two Cities and compare that to any piece of modern literature. Some of the sentences Dickens wrote extended over many lines!

 

[Sarah Davies]

Hi

My original work had longer sentences.

The editor I chose cut them up for me and I cut some up on her advice.

Perhaps I went to town too much. I am English and not American this may have influenced my writing.

Thank you for reading my story.

Sarah x

 

[York]

I had someone edit my story and in truth they made a bit of a mess of parts of it - to the extent they changed some things that became plain wrong - so I guess you have be careful.

I'm not saying whoever edited yours made mistakes, by the way!

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi Sarah,

The emphasis is intended to be on how in love the couple are. That feeling you have when you're with your partner/ husband/ wife etc, that no one else matters at that point except the two of you.

For me, this is the biggest shortcoming of the story- it's just a happy couple having happy couple sex. While there's nothing wrong with a simple sex scene, I want more from a story than just sex. When the couple headed for the bedroom so soon, I lost interest.

Also, I know it's a just fantasy, but alternating vaginal and anal is not just unhealthy, it's a great big nose-scrunching Eeeeeewww!!! In addition to being disgusting, this shows me her husband is either really stupid or isn't so loving after all. No amount of telling me how much he loves her can overcome this image.

Speaking of showing and telling, if I was to pick one ingredient of the writing style where a little change might make a big difference it would be the reliance on telling instead of showing. Consider this section:

Samuel loved her so much. Jane was his true soul mate. They had now been together for several years but each day was still wonderful.

It's pure telling, a pretty common thing for a new writer to do. If you don't know what I mean, you might consider googling "fiction showing versus telling".

Whether you want to write longer stories or stick with loving sex scenes, I think you'll find showing is a more effective means of inviting the reader into your story.

Hope you find some of my thoughts useful.

Take Care,
Penny

 

[Sarah Davies]

Sorry Penny I didn't mean to offend any one with alternation.

I will use your comments for future stories. In my defence this is my first piece of work.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

Sarah

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi Sarah,

Your story didn't even come close to offending me. Turn off, yes; offend, no. And the whole telling/showing issue is common too. Most of us did the same thing with our first stories. No need for defenses or apologies.

Take Care,
Penny

 

[janiexx]

Check out this website...

I read Penny's post and wasn't sure if I was "telling" rather than "showing"...

Any help to improve my writing is beneficial. This site looked good and has lots of links to help even further.

www.writing-world.com/dawn/dawn02.shtml


janiexx