New writer here! It'd be cool if you could check out my first poem ever! Feedback and positive vibes are always welcome! Grazie!

[DanDaDaddy]

New writer here! Glad to be a part of such an eccentric group of positive people with similar mindsets! Check out my first poem ever! Feedback is greatly appreciated! Naomi is a character that I'd like to focus on and continue with her story, so any and all help would we awesome! Thanks everyone!

-DDD

 

[_Land]

New writer here! Glad to be a part of such an eccentric group of positive people with similar mindsets! Check out my first poem ever! Feedback is greatly appreciated! Naomi is a character that I'd like to focus on and continue with her story, so any and all help would we awesome! Thanks everyone!

-DDD

Could you post a link to the poem ?

 

[Angeline]

New writer here! Glad to be a part of such an eccentric group of positive people with similar mindsets! Check out my first poem ever! Feedback is greatly appreciated! Naomi is a character that I'd like to focus on and continue with her story, so any and all help would we awesome! Thanks everyone!

-DDD

Hi and welcome to the poetry forum. We're glad you've found us and invite you to join in the challenges and conversations as you choose. One thing you need to know is that the forums are separate from the publishing part of the site, so there's no guarantee that people here will see your published poems. That's why _Land suggested you post a link to it here or, if you prefer, repost your poem here in the thread.

 

[DanDaDaddy]

Oh. Okay, cool, thank you for letting me know. I'm still learning the ropes, and every bit of info helps. Anyways, here ya go https://www.literotica.com/p/the-night-naomi-came-from-pain . Thanks again!

 

[SmilingLez]

IMHO, since you told the story from 1st person point of view (as Naomi) you should have ended that way (i.e. from Naomi's POV) for consistency instead using your 3rd person narrative:

That night Naomi learned fast,
That the night would not be the last.
That was the night Naomi was drained,
But it was also the first night,
That Naomi came from pain.

Changing it to something like this for consistency

That night, I learned fast,
This night would not be the last.
That was the night I was initiated - drained
But it was also the first night,
That I came from pain.


HTH