new writer, feedback needed. Camping Trip.

[smithE101]

Hi, this is my first submission and I wanted some feedback before I started on the followup.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=431992

I'm not necessarily looking for story ideas or where to take the story but more along the lines of writing. If i made any huge mistakes or things I should avoid, I'd like to know. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

 

[FallingToFly]

You need an editor.

The story is not bad at all- very nice young-romance/adventures in first times feel, but you need some clean-up of punctuation and sentence structure, as well as a little tighter overall writing style and some crisper description.

If you need specific pointers, let me know.

 

[smithE101]

i guess i understand what you mean by cleaning up the punctuation and sentence structure, but could you elaborate on "tighter overall writing style"

thanks

 

[FallingToFly]

The story has a bit of drag. There are places that can be edited down, bringing the action points closer and quicker, leaving you with an overall "faster" feel to the story, and more of a build-up to the climax.

The basic rule of smut- if it isn't absolutely vital to the action coming up in the next paragraph, edit it out or cut it down to a shorter, tighter structure.

I'm notoriously bad at doing it myself, but my most recent series is a fairly good example. I tried very hard eliminate anything that didn't absolutely need to be said because it impacted the sexual story. As a result the story moved faster, and the action didn't lag much. (It still needs massive work, but c'est la vie.)

If you want to PM me, you can hop on YIM or MSN Messenger and add me, and I'll be happy to do a quick run-through

 

[NicoliEstovich]

I dug it.

I do understand what's been said about the possible need for some editing (I wouldn't say an editor per'se, you're writing is clean enough that I'm sure you could edit it yourself). I think the length (I said length) might hurt it a hair if you're going for pure spank, but I felt the slower nature allowed us to get to know players a bit before the "playing" began.

Over-all, I dug it, and I think a follow up is in order!

- Nicoli

 

[smithE101]

the followup if anyone's interested.

feedback appreciated.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=434592

 

[PiercedNWI]

Hi, this is my first submission and I wanted some feedback before I started on the followup.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=431992

I'm not necessarily looking for story ideas or where to take the story but more along the lines of writing. If i made any huge mistakes or things I should avoid, I'd like to know. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Nice start! Keep it up!