New to writing. Would love feedback on my stories!

[dominant_musclewomen_fan1]

Hi all!

I'm new to writing stories. I'd love feedback on my stories (which I wrote in this order):
https://www.literotica.com/s/britney-the-maid-1
https://www.literotica.com/s/the-new-girl-29
https://www.literotica.com/s/the-last-row

Any strengths or weaknesses? Thoughts on pacing? Foreshadowing? Character development?

 

[Gamblnluck]

Read Britney the Maid. I enjoyed it for the first bit. i like the femdom and hoped she was going to work him into a corner that he would half enjoy. Make him her little pet/toy or something. He had money. She had strength which he wanted. It was good until you went to the sudden foot licking. Next thing you had him licking her arm pits and dirty asshole and talking about taking his money. That ended it for me. I could not bring myself to even read the other two stories.

 

[dominant_musclewomen_fan1]

Read Britney the Maid. I enjoyed it for the first bit. i like the femdom and hoped she was going to work him into a corner that he would half enjoy. Make him her little pet/toy or something. He had money. She had strength which he wanted. It was good until you went to the sudden foot licking. Next thing you had him licking her arm pits and dirty asshole and talking about taking his money. That ended it for me. I could not bring myself to even read the other two stories.

Thanks for the feedback! Everyone's kinks are bound to be a bit different. I should say that the other stories all have different elements. In particular, "The Last Row" does not have any of the elements that you disliked in "Britney the Maid". Maybe you can consider reading that one

 

[dominant_musclewomen_fan1]

Also, the guys enjoy things more in the other stories...

 

[Gamblnluck]

Whether the guy enjoy things or not is not the issue. Licking feet, dirty, unwashed asses, armpits etc. is the issue. Your character might love smega coated genitalia. I do not. I would enjoy a story about a dominant woman gripping the guy's nuts making him lick her pussy and making him beg to serve or whatever. But not the way you went. Sorry, not for me.

 

[filthytrancendence]

Hey! Welcome.

The Last Row is the one I read, and I enjoyed it a lot. You have a strong voice and the story is well constructed.

Here are my thoughts for improvement. The bullets are really fighting me. I'm sorry for the weird formatting.

Technical Stuff

• You've got some punctuation problems that are leading to other problems. Particularly your overuse of em dashes and ellipses. I'll explain in the abstract and then give an example of each being misused and the problem that's causing. Both should be used very sparingly, because overuse quickly robs them of meaning. It's really common for new writers to overuse them. I'd just encourage you to stop and think if there's a better way to do what you're trying to do any time you're tempted to type either -- or ...
  • Here's the first poor use of ellipsis:

The panels were gorgeous, especially any featuring Goddess Promethea...

• • I know from reading all of the story what you meant here. That Promethea is an Amazon goddess, and there ought to be an immediate connection when Inge comes into view, to quickly signal his preference for tall, muscular women. Problem is, to the majority of people (myself included), we aren't going to get that reference, and we don't get the connection until the end when you spell it out loud. You have to spell out more explicitly what the connection is beyond the allusion to the name of a comic book character, and that's what you ought to have done instead of ending the sentence on an ellipsis. Just stating 'the Amazon Goddess Promethea.' is probably good.
• Here's a 3 for one in the next paragraph:

Walking down the aisle, she wasn't just tall--she was broad, powerful... At 5'7 and slim, Tiago was slightly below average in height and build--much smaller than her.

• The first em dash should just be a comma. The first comma should just be 'and'. The ellipsis isn't doing anything but making the sentence awkward to read. The second em dash is a valid use, but I'd question if this is really something you need to even say. You already told us their height difference. I don't think it adds anything to spell it out and repeating yourself has a cost to it in terms of your rapport with the reader.

Structural Stuff

• I think it's a mistake to spell out the minutiae of the logistics of Tiago's bus ride in the opening paragraph. You're throwing a lot of proper nouns at us that people who have not been to Lisbon have zero context for. We don't really care that he's going to a place called Cacilhas, unless you give us a reason to care. Tell us what it looks like, or what it feels like. Set the scene such that a person who has never been there can feel what it's like to be on that bus going to a place called Cacilhas.
• Similarly, you mention a bus stop name or two. We don't have context for those names. What's there? A bank? A church? A man feeding pigeons? The name isn't bad, but you have to help us understand what the name means. Because almost nobody reading this has ridden the 758 in Lisbon. Don't go crazy adding 1000 words explaining in detail everything, just give us a taste. A couple sentences to set the scene. There's very few places in the world you can get away with just name dropping and most people will know enough to imagine it. The Eiffel Tower. New York City. London. But even then, what's the weather like? Are there commuters? Street vendors? You can always do more than drop the name of the place.
• Tiago is a bit of a non-character. You give us a couple good tidbits in the first paragraph or two, and then he kinda disappears into the effect Inge has on him. He likes Frank Miller, he's short, and he likes tall women. I don't think you need much more than this, because it's not a very long story, but you give Inge a lot more than that. Just try and keep the characterization even. At least set up a want. Maybe instead of giving us his transit itinerary in the first paragraph, have him look at Promethea longingly and express his loneliness. Doesn't have to be complex for a short story, but I think he needs a little more to feel like a character instead of an empty vessel that Inge happens toward.

Overall these are relatively minor things, and I genuinely think it was a fun story. Just wanted to give you a few things to chew on for next time.

Good luck!

Edit: I remembered something minor I wanted to suggest, based on some of the earlier replies to this thread. For a junk-drawer category like Fetish, it's probably a good idea to telegraph which fetishes you're exploring using the tags. Especially if they're divisive. That lets people self-select out if they're not down with body odor or whatever you'd like to call that.

 

[dominant_musclewomen_fan1]

Thank you for the thorough feedback! My natural tendency is to use tons of ellipses... And I have started to use more em-dashes, in part because I think sometimes sentences get too complicated if they have too many commas. Anyway, I've been trying to pare down in the latest stories I've been writing, but I may still end up with more than others. The ellipses just make sense to me when relaying dialogue or someone's though process.

I appreciate the feedback on the details of the Lisbon bus. Obviously, I put this stuff in because the place means something to me, and it was a nod to some friends that would be reading the story. I understand how it comes a bit off left field for everyone else, but I also don't think it is a very long bit of self-indulgence.

Regarding the Goddess Promethea reference, I think it is normal for someone that encounters a reference like that and is wondering what the author is talking about to just do a quick google search. I didn't want to fully telegraph before Inge was even in the bus that Tiago was into amazons.

I did add as many tags as I could to the story, but there are several kinks to cover. I don't think it is the end of the world if someone starts reading and then leaves from being turned off by something. I generally don't look at all the tags of the stories I read, in part to avoid spoilers, and often end up running into things I'm not into (e.g., cuckholdry), and I just move on with my life

Given how great your feedback was, I'd really appreciate if you also took a look at my other stories. If you enjoy the genre anyway... I promise there aren't any other self-indulgent references to Lisbon

 

[filthytrancendence]

but I also don't think it is a very long bit of self-indulgence.

Self-indulgence is one heck of a slippery slope

In any case, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with the setting. Just that you can't use proper nouns like that out of the blue and expect an audience to get it. It wasn't a huge problem for me, because as you say, it was like 2 sentences. It made your opening paragraph awkward which isn't great, but that's not the end of the world.

My encouragement is to add, not remove. Like you did with the weather. That's the best part of the opening. I'd have loved just one or two visual details to take me to Portugal with you even though I've never been there. You can do both. Easter eggs for your friends and painting a vivid scene for everyone.

I didn't want to fully telegraph before Inge was even in the bus that Tiago was into amazons.

I guess I'd encourage you to ask yourself why, though? That would have been a good thing to do, because that's one of the only bits of characterization he gets, it just happens for most people in the wrong order. To say that another way, you have the payoff (Inge walks onto the bus), but you buried the setup (he is interested in women who look like Inge) at the end unless I click out of your story and google who Promethia is. You've heard of Chekov's Gun? The graphic novel in the beginning is like Chekov's serial number for a gun. Sure, if somebody is really motivated they can scan the thing and figure out it's a gun. But most people are just scratching their heads wondering why you put a serial number in the opening paragraph.

Anyways I'm not sure when I might get to the others you linked but I'd be happy to take a look at some point.