New to writing. Would like some feedback on my intro.

[ShyFox36]

I love the way he grips my thighs so firmly. I can feel his fingernails ever so slightly dig into my skin as he pulls me back towards him. His lower abdominals pounding against my ass with each thrust. I can feel myself getting closer to orgasm as his throbbing cock grinds against the inside of my pussy. I’m starting to spasm as he reaches around with his right hand and begins to pinch and play with my clit.

“Oh, God, Zachary,” I pant, sweat trickling down face. “I want more. I love the way you fuck me. I never knew –” I don’t get to finish my sentence before he wraps his left hand around the back of my neck, forcing me face down into the bed sheets. Between the pressure of his hand against my neck and the myriad of sensations I feel against my clit, the buildup is too much. It pushes me over the edge. My legs begin to buckle and I can no longer hold myself up. “Fuck me, I’m cumming.”

He grabs my waist with both hands and holds me up, thrusting into me harder and harder as my pussy tightens around his cock. My body is trembling with waves of pleasure and I can feel his cock pulsate as he cums inside of me. “Oh yes, baby, fill me up,” I exclaim, completely out of breath. “You are such a good brother.”




How does it sound? I am new to writing and decided I'd try my hand at literotica, since I enjoy reading it so much. Harsh criticism is welcome! Would also like to know what I did right/well. I know it's short, but this is how I planned on introducing the story.

 

[sr71plt]

The description is good. Go for it. (just a few technical issues; nothing more the norm for that).

 

[ShyFox36]

The description is good. Go for it. (just a few technical issues; nothing more the norm for that).

Care to elaborate on those technical issues? Anything you specifically like or dislike about the intro/description? Sorry if I am asking for too much feedback for such a short piece. Probably should write more before inquiring any further.

 

[8letters]

I love the way he grips my thighs so firmly. I can feel his fingernails ever so slightly dig into my skin as he pulls me back towards him. His lower abdominals pounding against my ass with each thrust. I can feel myself getting closer to orgasm as his throbbing cock grinds against the inside of my pussy. I’m starting to spasm as he reaches around with his right hand and begins to pinch and play with my clit.

“Oh, God, Zachary,” I pant, sweat trickling down face. “I want more. I love the way you fuck me. I never knew –” I don’t get to finish my sentence before he wraps his left hand around the back of my neck, forcing me face down into the bed sheets. Between the pressure of his hand against my neck and the myriad of sensations I feel against my clit, the buildup is too much. It pushes me over the edge. My legs begin to buckle and I can no longer hold myself up. “Fuck me, I’m cumming.”

He grabs my waist with both hands and holds me up, thrusting into me harder and harder as my pussy tightens around his cock. My body is trembling with waves of pleasure and I can feel his cock pulsate as he cums inside of me. “Oh yes, baby, fill me up,” I exclaim, completely out of breath. “You are such a good brother.”




How does it sound? I am new to writing and decided I'd try my hand at literotica, since I enjoy reading it so much. Harsh criticism is welcome! Would also like to know what I did right/well. I know it's short, but this is how I planned on introducing the story.

Good writing in terms of very descriptive of how describing the action and how the narrator feels. IMHO, terrible way to start the story. This is what you want to build up to. As there is no emotional connection at the start of the story, even a hot description of tab A sliding in slot B doesn't do much for me.

 

[sr71plt]

The second sentence isn't a sentence. That's OK in fiction when there's a reason for it. No reason here; "pounding" could easily be changed to "pound" and not throw the reader off as might happen with the original.

The word "my" is missing in front of "face" in the first sentence of the second paragraph.

You have a hyphen where an em dash belongs (with no space in front of it) in the fourth sentence of the second paragraph.

For the imagery, it would be better to "press" her head to the pillow with the left hand rather than "wrap it" (and "cheek" to the bed might be better than "face." Face into the bed at this point might suffocate her).

The word "bedsheets" is a combined word ; the elements aren't separate (it's in the dictionary).

"Fuck me, I'm cumming" should be two sentences. The separation punctuation should be a period or a semicolon, not a comma. It's a run-on sentence now.

You could provide more of an image of the effect of her legs buckling. Beginning to buckle is an incomplete progression. He grabs her waist as her legs start to buckle. That's either enough to strengthen her leg stance, she collapses onto her breasts, or she puts her knees on the bed for support her legs can't give her, or . . . what?

If you were writing for an erotica publisher, the verb "cums" near the end would probably to changed to "comes," which is more acceptable in publishing.

A point of order on being "completely out of breath": She couldn't exclaim anything if she was completely out of breath.


Back at the beginning, if you're writing in the British system "towards" is OK, but it would be "toward" in the U.S. system.

On the content, this would be a good beginning, the hook being that she's being fucked by her brother, which is unknown up to that reveal. You'd lose the hook if the reader knows it's a brother and sister before then. So, it depends where this will be put in the story how much impact that reveal has.

The big job is ahead. What makes this a story?

 

[ShyFox36]

Good writing in terms of very descriptive of how describing the action and how the narrator feels. IMHO, terrible way to start the story. This is what you want to build up to. As there is no emotional connection at the start of the story, even a hot description of tab A sliding in slot B doesn't do much for me.

Well, the plan was to introduce it like this, with the end quote being the "You're such a good big brother." Sort of introducing it as an incestual story, you know. Then starting from the beginning. Think that's still a bad idea? If so, I can start from the beginning right off the bat and work up to it. I just wanted to start off like this in order to grab the reader's attention.

 

[sr71plt]

Good writing in terms of very descriptive of how describing the action and how the narrator feels. IMHO, terrible way to start the story. This is what you want to build up to. As there is no emotional connection at the start of the story, even a hot description of tab A sliding in slot B doesn't do much for me.

Oh, I don't agree at all that this is a bad way to start a story. It's a great way to start a story and is actually quite a popular way in American fiction now. What comes after explains or builds on this, and a story doesn't have to have only one climax scene.

 

[ShyFox36]

The second sentence isn't a sentence. That's OK in fiction when there's a reason for it. No reason here; "pounding" could easily be changed to "pound" and not throw the reader off as might happen with the original.

The word "my" is missing in front of "face" in the first sentence of the second paragraph.

You have a hyphen where an em dash belongs (with no space in front of it) in the fourth sentence of the second paragraph.

For the imagery, it would be better to "press" her head to the pillow with the left hand rather than "wrap it" (and "cheek" to the bed might be better than "face." Face into the bed at this point might suffocate her).

The word "bedsheets" is a combined word ; the elements aren't not separate (it's in the dictionary).

"Fuck me, I'm cumming" should be two sentences. The separation punctuation should be a period or a semicolon, not a comma. It's a run-on sentence now.

You could provide more of an image of the effect of her legs buckling. Beginning to buckle is an incomplete progression. He grabs her waist as her legs start to buckle. That's either enough to strengthen her leg stance, she collapses onto her breasts, or she puts her knees on the bed for support her legs can't give her, or . . . what?

If you were writing for an erotica publisher, the verb "cums" near the end would probably to changed to "comes," which is more acceptable in publishing.

A point of order on being "completely out of breath": She couldn't exclaim anything if she was completely out of breath.


Back at the beginning, if you're writing in the British system "towards" is OK, but it would be "toward" in the U.S. system.

On the content, this would be a good beginning, the hook being that she's being fucked by her brother, which is unknown up to that reveal. You'd lose the hook if the reader knows it's a brother and sister before then. So, it depends where this will be put in the story how much impact that reveal has.

The big job is ahead. What makes this a story?

Wow, this is amazing feedback. Thank you! Incredibly informative.

What makes it a story? Well, I don't have a very clear idea of where I want it to go and how I'd like it to start and pan out. I plan on spending a long time on it though and will be back when I have more written and a rough idea of the overall story. Could I PM you with updates? I really love the feedback you give and how educational it is. You really know your stuff.

 

[Bramblethorn]

From posts above, I understand that you're using this as a teaser - set up the sex, then grab the reader with the revelation that he's her brother, then jump back to how they got into that situation?

If that's the case, then I'd consider condensing the teaser a bit. Maybe just the one paragraph, instead of three. You can give the rest of the detail later in the story. Not a big thing, it works OK as is, I just think it'd be slightly more effective with the twist a little earlier.

One site-specific issue is that this story will almost certainly be classified as "Incest and Taboo", which risks giving away that twist, but there's not much you can do about that.

 

[sr71plt]

Wow, this is amazing feedback. Thank you! Incredibly informative.

What makes it a story? Well, I don't have a very clear idea of where I want it to go and how I'd like it to start and pan out. I plan on spending a long time on it though and will be back when I have more written and a rough idea of the overall story. Could I PM you with updates? I really love the feedback you give and how educational it is. You really know your stuff.

Glad to help. I thought it was erotic. Do note that this forum is for feedback on stories already posted to Literotica, so when you bring it back you'd be following the rules here by submitting the story to the Literotica story file and asking for comments after it has posted.

I'm here to write myself. I'd be happy to look at sections of a story occasionally, but not too much, I'm afraid.

 

[ShyFox36]

From posts above, I understand that you're using this as a teaser - set up the sex, then grab the reader with the revelation that he's her brother, then jump back to how they got into that situation?

If that's the case, then I'd consider condensing the teaser a bit. Maybe just the one paragraph, instead of three. You can give the rest of the detail later in the story. Not a big thing, it works OK as is, I just think it'd be slightly more effective with the twist a little earlier.

One site-specific issue is that this story will almost certainly be classified as "Incest and Taboo", which risks giving away that twist, but there's not much you can do about that.

Yep, that's exactly how I wanted to go about it.

OK, I'll look into condensing it a bit more. I just wanted to get the reader worked up a bit before diving into the beginning of the story.

Yeah, that's the only thing that came to mind whilst I was writing it. The category would already give it away.

 

[sr71plt]

I don't agree that it needs to be briefer as a story beginning either. It could be a full-blown sex scene and it would be just fine--and a popular opening in American fiction currently.

 

[ShyFox36]

Glad to help. I thought it was erotic. Do note that this forum is for feedback on stories already posted to Literotica, so when you bring it back you'd be following the rules here by submitting the story to the Literotica story file and asking for comments after it has posted.

I'm here to write myself. I'd be happy to look at sections of a story occasionally, but not too much, I'm afraid.

Understood, I'll do that next time.

Yeah, I understand, it wouldn't be often at all; I'd hate to pester you. Just really liked your feedback.

 

[AwkwardMD]

All of your "Will they/won't they" tension is undercut by telling us, explicitly, that yes they will. This is like killing a character and then exploring all the ways people tried to save that character in a lengthy flashback. It's pointless. We as the reader/viewer know that these efforts are pointless. Why would you subject us to pointlessness.

Rhetorical question. Don't subject us to pointlessness.

Flashbacks are a horridly overused and misunderstood storytelling mechanic. If you 'need' to use one to hook the reader before you go backwards and tell us the real story, your story wasn't strong enough to begin with.

 

[sr71plt]

Of course you haven't the foggiest notion what the story is that goes with this. Let's just let her write her story first, shall we?

 

[ShyFox36]

All of your "Will they/won't they" tension is undercut by telling us, explicitly, that yes they will. This is like killing a character and then exploring all the ways people tried to save that character in a lengthy flashback. It's pointless. We as the reader/viewer know that these efforts are pointless. Why would you subject us to pointlessness.

Redundant question. Don't subject us to pointlessness.

Flashbacks are a horridly overused and misunderstood storytelling mechanic. If you 'need' to use one to hook the reader before you go backwards and tell us the real story, your story wasn't strong enough to begin with.

I understand where you're coming from and the brother/sister dynamic will not be the 'driving point' of the story, if that makes sense. It's not significant enough to warrant the entirety of the plot/storyline pointless. I plan to make it a somewhat minor yet crucial detail to the overall story. I've been giving some serious thought to how I where I want it to go, and I think I have a rough idea.

 

[8letters]

I understand where you're coming from and the brother/sister dynamic will not be the 'driving point' of the story, if that makes sense. It's not significant enough to warrant the entirety of the plot/storyline pointless. I plan to make it a somewhat minor yet crucial detail to the overall story. I've been giving some serious thought to how I where I want it to go, and I think I have a rough idea.

Incest is never a minor detail to the overall story because people have a strong reaction to it. IMHO, sex is more like the minor detail in an incest story, the dessert after the main course of getting the two family members together.

 

[sr71plt]

Maybe her major plot is going to involve a bigger issue of incest. Doesn't anyone yet get the point that this closing down on assumptions of what isn't written yet is counter to the creative process? And mostly being done by folks with no more experience on writing a story than the OP has.

And this may be a good example of why this part of the forum is for stories actually written and posted already.

 

[AwkwardMD]

8Letters and I are approaching this feedback from the perspective of "It is generally bad form to do X, and here is why". While there are always exceptions to rules, the likelihood that we are dealing with an exception seems low.

Once upon a time, I worked at a store that filled propane tanks. A man came in with a tank that was painted black, and I said no. Can't have a tank painted black. No way.

The man insisted it was fine.

I told him that propane is a volatile gas, and that when tanks are painted anythibg other than white and off-white, they absorb morr heat. Heat causes expansion, and expansion is a terrible problem for propane.

The man insisted it was fine.

I told him that when the sun hits that, it is at greater risk of exploding, and five gallon tank of propane is enough to level a house.

The man insisted it was fine because he kept the tank indoors.

For those of you who don't know, you cannot keep propane tanks indoors except if there is significant ventilation. Propane is a heavy gas, and it doesn't expand upwards. It settles and pools around your feet when there is a leak.

The further I went with this man, the more one problem was being compounded by other problems.

Do not start your story in the future and flash back to tell us the majority of "how we got there" Just tell us how we got there.

Incest is a really, really heavy storytelling component. It's so volatile that it pretty much always needs to be the focus (at some point) of any story that includes it. To not make it a major focus undermines the power it has, which is the entire reason for including it.

This is what happens when you fail to approach a heavy topic with the appropriate seriousness:

https://youtu.be/1h8hPA7ga9E

What you wrote at the top of this page, technical issues aside, is a strong start (or ending) to a sex scene, but it is not a good start to a story. Opening scenes are about creating tension, not resolving it before it ever starts.

 

[sr71plt]

*Sigh* Who says the issue presented is either the only issue to be resolved in the story or the most significant one? It seems you can only conceptualize very shallow stories. You are making judgments before there even is a story. Could you just stop doing damage to the creative process?

 

[AwkwardMD]

I understand where you're coming from and the brother/sister dynamic will not be the 'driving point' of the story, if that makes sense. It's not significant enough to warrant the entirety of the plot/storyline pointless. I plan to make it a somewhat minor yet crucial detail to the overall story. I've been giving some serious thought to how I where I want it to go, and I think I have a rough idea.

This wasn't hard to find. I'm surprised you didn't see it.

Also, shallow? Me? Really?

Really?

 

[AwkwardMD]

[Redacted]

I suppose it might 'seem that I can only conceive of shallow stories' if you've never read anything of mine, but that's the kind of thing that only a total head-up-their-own-ass jag would state even passingly about someone else without having ever actually looked. What kind of person makes blanket statements like that?

 

[8letters]

Well, the plan was to introduce it like this, with the end quote being the "You're such a good big brother." Sort of introducing it as an incestual story, you know. Then starting from the beginning. Think that's still a bad idea? If so, I can start from the beginning right off the bat and work up to it. I just wanted to start off like this in order to grab the reader's attention.

First off, write what you want. If you want to write a teaser, write a teaser. Personally, I think an interesting first scene is far better at grabbing the reader's attention tham a teaser.

All I read and write is incest. As an incest reader, I want you to build up to them fucking. If you're going to do a teaser, I'd suggest something that increases the sexual tension between the brother and sister, but isn't sex. Say the sister sees the brother naked for the first time or they kiss for the first time.

The category would already give it away.

My advice is the story title should give away who winds up fucking who. Incest readers generally have their preferred form of incest and you'll get more happy readers if they can tell from the title if the story is the type of incest they are looking for.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Do not start your story in the future and flash back to tell us the majority of "how we got there" Just tell us how we got there.

Well, I'm fucked then. I'm writing a stupid long multi-character, multi-chapter thing (retelling an old myth cycle) where that's precisely what I do at the start of each section with one particular character.

"I was there. When, blah blah blah, I was there." The blah blah blah is a single sentence deliberately aimed to put in a wtf hook, and the rest of that section then gets there. My beta readers haven't even blinked at it. Because what I then do is take the reader down a path where, if I've done it right, they either forget there's going to be that end in time and it will come as a shock; or they'll be on the edge of their chair thinking, is this it, is this it? So I can tease and mislead (my narrator in these sections is extremely unreliable indeed, and he's the one recallng the story). So it's very deliberate, but you know what, it works.

See, that's the danger of absolute statements like MD's above. They are just plain wrong, and very very poor advice to an aspiring writer. I could cite any number of significant pieces of literature where flashback works extremely well - but I couldn't be assed thinking about such a list. I'll just name one: Catch 22. The most non-linear work I can immediately think of, and you're going to tell Joseph Heller, no don't write it that way?

I'm with Pilot on this one (and he'll agree that he and I rarely see eye to eye on anything much, but that's OK, because he's an opinionated prick and so am I), these three little paras work extremely well as a story opener; there's a hook, there's two characters starting off nicely, there's a bit of spicy sex. What's not to like about that?

You see, ShyFox, in this forum, you will get polar opposite opinions. I've had good discussions with both 8letters and AwkwardMD, and their writing styles are the complete opposite of mine. I write, for the most part, plotless mood pieces where I'm just evoking something, a mood, a feeling, where back story and motive are irrelevant. They write very linear, heavily plotted works, and motive and back story are vital to them. Their info-dumps drive me insane (why the fuck are you telling me this, who cares?) - my lack of it drives them nuts (why is she doing this, what colour is her hair?).

Neither of us are right, neither of us are wrong. We are just, thank goodness, different. I don't think like them, they don't think like me. (I'm a little worried, right now, that I'm thinking like Pilot; and he will be a little unsettled too - but we can at least be polite when we disagree).

So, ShyFox, welcome to Lit, where you will find every possible opinion, strongly expressed by passionate folk. We can all be assholes to each other, but I'm sure all of us will agree on one thing:

write, write, write, then write some more. After a while you'll find your voice. And it won't be anybody's voice but yours, so make it yours. Just write. My advice: read and ignore all the advice you find on the internet, because what the hell do we know? Nothing and everything.

Welcome.

Oh, and write...

 

[AwkwardMD]

Gimmicks and storytelling tricks are absolutely things that experienced writers can use to undermine readers expectations and established rules. That doesn't make it good advice for a beginner. Every musician knows you need to play a lot of scales, and when you try to shortcut that and go straight to the crazy stuff like arpeggios you end up very handicapped and limited.

There's no stifling of creativity here. I said above that the OP's blurb is a perfectly servicable scene. It works. It just doesn't work in conjunction with incest as a story opener, and ShyFox would be better served by taking this scene and shuffling it deeper into the deck for later.