New to writing erotica, would love some feedback...

[LilyMelb]

Hi... Lilymelb here.

I've been writing generally for a while (like everyone I guess), but am new both to literotica and more especially to writing erotically.

I've written two erotic pieces currently and am working on a third, so would love feedback to get an idea of how I'm, uh, performing in the genre.

Any feedback on either story below would be great, though I'm especially interested in how the second (Truth or Dare) fares. It is somewhat longer and slightly more complex in structure, so was the more difficult to write. If you're just looking for a quick 'wham-bam-thank-you-maam', however, the first is a short one and I'd appreciate feedback on that just as much.

Proper Place (NonConsent)
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=92200

Truth or Dare (BDSM)
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=99467


Good or bad, hot or not, let me know what you think!

Ta... Lily

 

[Rainbow Skin]

for one startled, jolting second

I love your style. Very fresh, and well controlled. That phrase above is nicely original and thought-out. You thought about how she felt, visualized it, and dug out the exact correct words. A rare talent.

I was already very impressed by the first four isolated lines of Truth or Dare. It's exciting that you can do that. Then the first full paragraph: one short sentence; one long sentence. You're soaring with rhythm here, and keep going equally well.

Actually that first long sentence is a little too long. I don't want to clip your wings, as you've got a very good judgement of balance, but consider how someone reads it, scanning ahead to see how it ends:

on the bit of paper / she pulled out of the baseball cap / they'd placed on the floor / in the middle of their small circle.

You could end it at any one of the / marks, and put the remainder into another sentence. One or two extensions is fine, it's a good galloping sentence, but there's just one too many qualifications on the end.

Likewise, with these strong, long sentences, there are a few places where I'd do it slightly differently, a comma here, a shift of clause here, but these are minor points. Don't draw your horns in: keep doing it like this: it's delightfully refreshing!

For example, this doesn't quite work. The joins from clause to clause sag because you can't read them out loud and know how to modulate your voice to keep them connected:

She didn't even think he'd known what it was Brett had thrown him in his response to that, Brett laughing low as Davy fumbled the catch and then frowned suspiciously at the squat, rubber object he obviously had no idea what he was meant to do with.

Your psychology is complex and spot-on.

I'm just skimming the feedback boards for now, and have skipped from your first to your last page. The way you do the short, verbless sentences, and few-word paragraphs, is perfect! A really extraordinary sense of balance. I envy you. I think in those places where you got slightly tangled it might be a case of leaving it aside for a week or two, then going back to it afresh and reading it purely for rhythm. You'll see a few burrs that could be scoured off with some gentle rewriting.

 

[LilyMelb]

Thanks

Thanks very much for that Rainbow Skin... and thanks to those who emailed feedback. It's all very appreciated!!

The long, complicated sentence thing I definitely get - it's a problem of mine stretching way back and accompanied by a tendency to get bored with the editing process, it does become an issue. I've become more strict in my editing recently... but you're right in that work does need to be left for a few weeks and then come back to afresh, which this didn't get.

Anyway, just wanted to say thank you to Rainbow and everyone who replied!

Ta... Lily