New to this.... Please check out my short story

[Seventh_Serendipidy]

Hi guys and gals,

I'm new to the boards but have been reading the short stories on Literotica for years now. I've always fantasised about putting my own ideas and fantasies into words and recently I began to write a short story. I have finally plucked up the courage to put forth a short intro for your expert critique

All comments and feedback would be very much appreciated..

Thanks in advance,

S_S

The first moment he saw her, he pushed her up against the wall in the hallway. He had barely closed the door behind him. Her heart skipped a beat; she wasn’t sure if it was simply the sight of him, his eyes scanning her body from head to toe; or if it was the fear she felt every time she imagined that they might get caught. His hold was strong around her waist as he pulled her into him and kissed her hard on the lips. His tongue delved deep into her mouth frantically. He bit her lip as his hand pulled her hair down towards her spine to reveal her neck. He gently ran his lips along the soft skin of her neck and collar bone, inhaling her floral perfume. She knew that he adored her and she knew exactly what to do now. She would do nothing; but be adored by him. She knew he wanted her and the thought of his longing made her wet with desire. He sighed as he ran his lips down her neck and across her chest. Her blouse was loose and she had left a few buttons undone so as to entice him, in case he had not wanted her today. His breathing was heavy on her neck as he slid his hands down her back and placed one on each of her buttocks. Each time he had cupped them in his hands and felt her young, tight body he had wanted to bend her over and slip her jeans down over her sexy tanned arse cheeks. She knew it.

She sauntered around the house in her tightest jeans, low slung over her hips to show off both her pert arse and toned stomach. She loved to catch him watching her, to tease him across the hall as she wandered into her bedroom from the shower. Sometimes she would look back at him as she let her towel slide down just enough so that he could see the water running down her back and just a glimpse of the tops of her cheeks. She would look down at his crotch to see how hard he was, and once satisfied, she would smile, bite her lip and close the door behind her. This had been going on for months, every day she found a way to drive him crazy with desire. She would lounge in her cute pjs without a bra, knowing that he was catching glimpses of her nipples through the thin fabric. She would run from the shower to her bedroom in the smallest towel she could manage and simply smile at him as though she hadn’t noticed how much the sight of her turned him on. He wanted her and she knew it. She would spend hours working out ways to seduce him, strategically planning her every move around the house so that he would notice her. She loved to tease him more than anything.

It had started 18 months ago when she was just 17. She had asked him to help her into her dress on her prom night, since her mother was working late, a regular occurrence in their household. He had obliged and told her how beautiful she looked. She knew her body had changed, her hips were fuller and her breasts were bigger. Her figure had morphed from that of a skinny teenager to one which belonged to a woman. She had curves in all the right places and he told her so. He had said that she looked a lot like her mother when she was younger. He had pushed her hair to the side as he zipped up her dress from the back and the feel of his touch on her neck had sent a tingle through her spine. She had thought about him all night and ached to return home to see him.

That night as she got ready for bed she had fantasised about him unbuttoning her dress, and slipping it down over her hips. She had imagined him laying her down on her bed in just the lace black underwear she had chosen with her Mother especially. She had remembered how her body had responded to his touch and she longed to feel that again. She removed her dress and slung it over her dresser, lit some candles and switched off the lights. She lay down on the bed in just her underwear and tried to imagine the way her Daddy’s fingers would feel as they ran gently from her neck across her chest, over her full breasts and down her stomach. She ran her fingers across the top of her knickers and imagined him there, teasing her. As she ran her fingernails gently up her inner thighs, her hands slipped inside her knickers and she gasped at her own touch. She was dripping wet. She pulled the fabric to the side and gently ran her fingers over her clitoris. She quietly moaned as she imagined his touch and what he would look like naked. He had a good body for his age, he was lightly tanned from the sun and his shoulders were broad from all the manual work he had done as a young man. Her mother had told her that his thick jet black hair and toned body had made him the envy of all the men in their youth. She imagined being wrapped up in his big protective arms and moaned louder as her fingers explored her pussy further. Slowly, she slid one finger inside and probed gently at her walls. She became desperate for more; one finger led to two and then three. She gently fucked herself with her fingers and imagined that they were her Daddy’s hard cock; hard at the sight of his little girl laid down before him in just her underwear. She pulled out her wet fingers and brought them to her lips. She licked the juices from each of them in turn and then placed them back on her throbbing clit. She needed to come this time, her body ached. She wanted her fingers to be his, to feel him bring her to orgasm. She imagined her tongue running across her pussy lips, whilst his fingers probed gently in and out of her. She imagined him wanting her, entering her, pleasuring her, taking her virginity. Vivid thoughts of him ran through her head until she couldn’t take anymore, she felt her legs stiffen and her breathing get faster. Her hips protruded forwards as her groin left the bed. It felt like every muscle in her body tensed as she froze in anticipation. A warm delicious feeling shot up from her toes, through her stomach and across her chest. She felt her whole pussy explode and her clitoris throbbing. She was soaked in her own juices, her heart was beating fast and she could feel sweat dripping from the small of her back. And then calm. She lay there for a while to catch her breath before a smile spread across her face. She would have him, she knew right then that she would have him.

 

[adamzapple]

You've made a good start, I enjoyed it as a scene setter to let the reader know what's going on. I would have liked some dialogue, just to break up the blocks of words, maybe some banter thrown in, the two of them verbally teasing each other whenever they were alone.

Not sure about the line, "She had imagined him laying her down on her bed in just the lace black underwear she had chosen with her Mother especially. " It doesn't read right to me. Chosen with her mother especially for what? Her prom night, I imagine, but it seems oddly worded and not very clear.

The only other thing I noticed, I tend to avoid any mention, even hinting at, a character having sexual thoughts under the age of eighteen. It's frowned on here. It depends how it's worded and you may get away with it. You can write about your grandmother getting rogered by a gang of bikers but don't mention underage sex. I stick with eighteen, all the time, just to be safe.

Good luck with the story. Keep writing.

 

[PacoFear]

I'm with Adamz. You're off to a good start, S_S.

Mostly, you need to consider breaking up those paragraphs. That's minor though, just a few hits of the return keys here and there.

I did get a little confused early on, which can be death for your readership. The whole medias in res thing can be as disorienting as it is exciting. I was both. I'll soften that by saying that it may be my fault too, it's 2 am local time for me and I'm getting tired.

My first confusion came in after your first two sentences. They read like the opener of a non-consent/reluctance story. By sentence three, a complex one, we're realizing that it's not an N-C/R story and have to shift a few mental gears. It's a little jarring. If you were looking for that gearshift as a matter of style, then that's something else.

I'd start a new paragraph at sentence three to help the reader by not jamming those descriptions together. Frankly, I'd break it there anyway out of respect for your shift in subject from dad to daughter.

My other confusion set in at your second paragraph. We went from dad snogging daughter (yes, I'm a Yank hijacking Brit slang but we have no good word for that over here in The Pesky Colonies) to her sauntering around teasing him and then dreaming about bedding him.

Maybe consider writing that second paragraph in past perfect tense with a time cue?

"She had been sauntering around the house in her tightest jeans for the past few weeks..."

That might help make it clear that the events of the later paragraphs happened before the first one. Personally, I tend to go one step further for the sake of reader hand-holding in my stories. I'm a flashback junky. Honestly, there should be a support group for us. I try to smooth out the time shift with a little transition paragraph before the flashback. Here, I'd have gone with something like:

As he cradled her taut asscheeks, she wondered, and not for the first time, just how they had gotten this far so quickly. It had all started with some playful teasing.

[then into your 2nd paragraph with the past perfect tense lead in...]

To revert to present tense, I use a similarly age-old trick:

His squeezing hands on her backside drew her back to the present and she focused again on the pleasure of being in his arms.

Just some thoughts, do what you will. It's your story. Looking forward to reading it!

-PF

 

[MaxSebastian]

I concur with adamz and PF - it's steamy stuff, but more than a little confusing and you'd do best to steer well clear of under-18 references.

The main issues as I see them are:

Paragraphs - Your paragraphs are far too long. Particularly when writing for the web, even fiction, it's best to keep paragraphs relatively short to make it easier to read and keep up the pace of the piece. Every new thought or course of action ought to begin a new paragraph, and if you are switching subject from what he is doing to what she is doing, I'd also start a new paragraph. And mix it up with paragraphs of different sizes - some very short, some fairly short, some longer - you'd perhaps be surprised how much easier it is on the eye.

Dialogue - I realise this is only a start or an introduction, but you need some dialogue to engage the readers with the characters and break up the hefty paragraphs. It will also help with the story's pace.

Point of view - The story was a little confusing to me, and although there's not a lot of length to play with here (nudge-nudge, wink-wink), I think it's not entirely clear from the get-go that the story is being told from the girl's perspective. Then, it's also not clear until a little way in that she's talking about her Dad. I have a particular problem with the first sentence: The first moment he saw her, he pushed her up against the wall in the hallway. Is this her father she's talking about? Is that what really happened the first moment he saw her? Or is this the first time he saw her since they decided to get involved in the Bad Way?

Specifics - Again, this is only the beginning of the story, but we're going to need more specifics about who these people are, where they live, and so on. I'm a little bad at adding in enough specifics to my stories quite often, but just drop in a few details here and there, and it can really add a sense of place and character.

On the whole, I think your description is pretty good, so definitely a good start. Even though the subject matter's not quite my cup of tea, I'd have to say you're on the way to a good story here.

-Max

 

[PacoFear]

Specifics - Again, this is only the beginning of the story, but we're going to need more specifics about who these people are, where they live, and so on. I'm a little bad at adding in enough specifics to my stories quite often, but just drop in a few details here and there, and it can really add a sense of place and character.

-Max

I'll second Max's thought on clarifying the relationship. Best to do early. I had actually figured that you did it on purpose as a sort of slow-play, teasing out the reader on how the characters connected. If you did do it on purpose, I don't think it's wrong per se, it's just frought with peril. Peril? Yeah, peril.

The Peril: you'll no doubt be posting this in the incest category and I've got me a couple o' theories on incest readers.

First, for incest readers, the relationship between the two people having sex is paramount. That's why they're seeking out incest stories. If you slow-play them on this most important need, really what you've given them is a standard, old "erotic coupling" story for a large chunk of your piece followed by "tada! he's her daddy!" You end up not delivering for your readers.

Second, the incest readers on Lit. aren't as cohesive as you might think. My suspicion is that, while some incest readers can happily enjoy stories that describe any familial relationship, the rest of them are broken into factions: sibling readers, father-daughter readers, mother-son, etc. For the latter folks, you need to tell them way up front what the familial relationship is. Hell, I work it into the story description next to the title for my stories. Do it for two reasons: to attract their attention and to avoid any miscues where a sibling story reader expects a sibling story then reads halfway into it only to find out it's a mother-son story. Best case scenario, they yell "Yick!" and hit the back button on their browser in horror. Worse case, they scroll down and vote "1" because they're pissed off. Totally worst case, they scroll down, vote "1" and leave you nasty, hate-filled feedback. If you're like me, that'll bum you out and make you reach for the bourbon bottle again.

Sorry, lot's 'o talking there. Here's your "take home": there are good reasons not to be coy with the relationship between your characters in the incest genre.

Just my $0.02. Keep up the good work.

-PF

P.S. If you're intentionally slow-playing because you're craving a little mystery in your story and you want to use mystery as a hook to keep the readers with you, you can always concoct a mysterious element and work it into your plot. I have two stories that I tried this with (Outsourcing and Words on Skin) and I suspect this is part of why they've been getting high marks.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

S_S, Hi and welcome

I think Adam, Max and Paco have given great advice. I’ve always struggled to articulate the appeal of incest stories, beyond getting to the action quicker, but I think Paco analyses it really well.

The trouble with the lit categories is your cover is blown before you start because you have to post in ‘incest’. I was wondering who ‘he’ was but if I know it’s incest, the mystery is lost

I won’t repeat what the others said but just make some additional points.

I think your paragraph structure is a bit wrong. Even given starting in the present and flashing back, medias in res, shouldn’t para 2 come after para 4 – you begin with the present, you explain the start – then you should talk about what happen between 4 and 1.

Others cleverer than me have frequently said that there are a gazillion erotic stories out there which are simply bodies conjoining and that readers are more likely to retain an interest if you characterize your ‘he’ and ‘she’ a bit more to make us interested in them.

I also had a problem with;

The first moment he saw her, he pushed her up against the wall in the hallway. He had barely closed the door behind him. Her heart skipped a beat;

Perhaps, Her heart skipped a beat as he pushed her up against the hallway wall, barely waiting to close the door behind him.

Para 2 could be given over to dialogue;

It had started 18 months ago when she was just 17. She had asked him to help her into her dress on her prom night, since her mother was working late, a regular occurrence in their household. He had obliged and told her how beautiful she looked. She knew her body had changed, her hips were fuller and her breasts were bigger. Her figure had morphed from that of a skinny teenager to one which belonged to a woman. She had curves in all the right places and he told her so. He had said that she looked a lot like her mother when she was younger. He had pushed her hair to the side as he zipped up her dress from the back and the feel of his touch on her neck had sent a tingle through her spine. She had thought about him all night and ached to return home to see him.

Just a suggestion,

It had started last summer when her mother was working late, yet again, and she needed some assistance.

“Sorry to ask but, could you help me squeeze into this dress?”

“Of course gorgeeous; I’d not fully noticed before how very beautiful you’d become now you’re a woman.

“If I can say, you’ve got curves in all the right places to drive the guys wild. Just like your mother when she was a bit younger.”

“You’re just saying that,” she giggled

Pushing her hair to the side he zipped up her dress from the back and the feel of his touch on her neck had sent a tingle through her spine. She had thought about him all night and ached to return home to see him.

You have a nice style of writing and I am sure you’ll do well.

Good luck

Elle

 

[AliveInside]

I would agree that it would serve you well to break up the paragraphs a bit. On the computer screen it can become a little tiresome on the eyes. I find that five sentences tends to be about the standard. Take a look at what you've written and see where you can make the breaks without sabotaging the flow of it.

I would also agree that for narrative clarity you should mention 'her' before you mention 'him'. Establish right from the outset that we are experiencing the story from her point of view instead of his.

I would disagree, however, that you need more dialogue. At least not during this portion of the story. In my opinion it's easy to overdo it with dialogue and it can often bring your story to a halt. Here, in a flashback, I think it's inappropriate to use much actual dialogue. By describing it in the prose, you keep us inside the mind of your main character, where the memory is taking place.

Even when playing out a conversation in scene, my instinct is to be a little sparse with it, unless you've really got a knack for dialogue.

Also, I absolutely love the buildup and reveal of the character relations. I may be alone in this, but I enjoyed the way it made me confront my own excitement. I think what Paco said about incest readers breaking into factions is true, and I find myself more interested in sibling and cousin stories. However, by the time I understood the relationship between these characters I was already caught up in the story, and was forced to decide if I was offput by it, or aroused. I went with the latter.

I do think there is the danger of people getting upset by it, though. I would recommend mentioning in the description that it is a father/daughter story. While I enjoy the buildup, I don't think it loses too much by knowing that information ahead of time, especially when it's only a couple of paragraphs.

On a much more technical note: I would remove the semi-colon in the line "She would do nothing; but be adored by him." (p1) I see why you put it there but I think it reads better without it, or perhaps with a comma. I think a semi-colon would be more suited in place of the comma in "Vivid thoughts of him ran through her head until she couldn’t take anymore, she felt her legs stiffen and her breathing get faster." (p4)

It might be a bit finicky of me, but I think the phrases on either side of a semi-colon should be able to stand as complete sentences, the semi-colon bringing them together and keeping their flow smoother than a period would. You can use the comma for the same thing, but then I think it needs an extra word to link them, such as "but" or "as" or "whilst".

Am I nerdy for thinking that?

Anyway, I loved what you've written so far and anxiously await whatever comes next.

 

[PacoFear]

On a much more technical note: I would remove the semi-colon in the line "She would do nothing; but be adored by him." (p1) I see why you put it there but I think it reads better without it, or perhaps with a comma. I think a semi-colon would be more suited in place of the comma in "Vivid thoughts of him ran through her head until she couldn’t take anymore, she felt her legs stiffen and her breathing get faster." (p4)

It might be a bit finicky of me, but I think the phrases on either side of a semi-colon should be able to stand as complete sentences, the semi-colon bringing them together and keeping their flow smoother than a period would. You can use the comma for the same thing, but then I think it needs an extra word to link them, such as "but" or "as" or "whilst".

Am I nerdy for thinking that?

Alive: Yeah, you're a little nerdy for thinking that, but at least you didn't cite to Section 6.58 of the Chicago Manual on common semicolon usage for joining independent clauses. That would have been extra-nerdy.

S_S: I'd follow Alive's punctuation suggestions.

-PF