New to this need advice

[Red_Hot_Mama]

ok, I need advice and words of wisdom from any of you out there....

I've been married over 20 years and had a vanilla marriage. For the past 10 years (or probably longer) I have known that I was a sub (or wanted to be) and have mentioned things to hubby about it. He thought I was meaning a once in a while thing and we played here and there with light bondage but not much. About 4 months ago I stumbled, well not really stumbled, I went searching for what i was missing. I came upon the Lit boards and found an online Master. It filled the need that i had been wanting so long. So anyway, hubby finds out and i end it but now he is learning how much i need this and he is willing to learn and find out info (thank you, Homburg) And is really trying to be what i need.

So now my problem......after not seeing him in this light for 20+ years how do i start to see him this way? If i was starting a new relationship (and when i did with the person online) its new and you are both starting out knowing what you are wanting and where you are coming from. But with us, we are switching way into our lives together and even though this is something i want how do i start to see him as Master instead of "honey" Has anyone dealt with this type of thing?
I guess part of me is scared too....what if fantasy better than reality (for me)..

 

[eastern sun]

Be patient with each other. Give yourselves years to figure it out.

Don't expect him to get it "right." He is what he is.

Focus now on your actions instead of your desires.

Practice submitting. Practice devotion. And be patient.

It's harder than it looks.

But if you start treating him like your master, he'll be your master.

Fantasy is almost always better than reality.

But nothing beats reality.

 

[Never2B]

Hello RHM,

first I just wanted to say I'm really happy for you that your husband understands your needs and is really trying to meet them! I'm sure it's just normal to be a bit scared when you don't know what the future will bring as at the moment probably every turn seems possible. Take it slow, it's a progress in which both of you have to find their place, the hows which you are comfortable with and from where on you then can start pushing limits. Give your husband the time to feel secure about what he is doing, try to avoid pressuring him with your expectations. I doubt that after having lived in a 'normal' relationship for such a long time it is possible to go from naught to sixty. Just enjoy the journey you both are just about to begin!

And communication, communication, and once again communication.

 

[Red_Hot_Mama]

Be patient with each other. Give yourselves years to figure it out.

Don't expect him to get it "right." He is what he is.

Focus now on your actions instead of your desires.

Practice submitting. Practice devotion. And be patient.

It's harder than it looks.

But if you start treating him like your master, he'll be your master.

Fantasy is almost always better than reality.

But nothing beats reality.

Thank you ES. I have read your thread and have appreciated your words of wisdom very much!

 

[Red_Hot_Mama]

Just enjoy the journey you both are just about to begin!

And communication, communication, and once again communication.

Thanks for your words of encouragement
I truly hope to enjoy the journey!!
and i need to work on my communication...just think it took 10 years for him to understand what i really wanted....i really better work on that!

 

[CutieMouse]

ok, I need advice and words of wisdom from any of you out there....

I've been married over 20 years and had a vanilla marriage. For the past 10 years (or probably longer) I have known that I was a sub (or wanted to be) and have mentioned things to hubby about it. He thought I was meaning a once in a while thing and we played here and there with light bondage but not much. About 4 months ago I stumbled, well not really stumbled, I went searching for what i was missing. I came upon the Lit boards and found an online Master. It filled the need that i had been wanting so long. So anyway, hubby finds out and i end it but now he is learning how much i need this and he is willing to learn and find out info (thank you, Homburg) And is really trying to be what i need.

So now my problem......after not seeing him in this light for 20+ years how do i start to see him this way? If i was starting a new relationship (and when i did with the person online) its new and you are both starting out knowing what you are wanting and where you are coming from. But with us, we are switching way into our lives together and even though this is something i want how do i start to see him as Master instead of "honey" Has anyone dealt with this type of thing?
I guess part of me is scared too....what if fantasy better than reality (for me)..

Who says "Master" and "honey" are mutually exclusive?

The Loving Dominant is a good book, so is When Someone You Love is Kinky and The New Topping Book [there's also a New Bottoming Book].

 

[intothewoods]

Who says "Master" and "honey" are mutually exclusive?

The Loving Dominant is a good book, so is When Someone You Love is Kinky and The New Topping Book [there's also a New Bottoming Book].

Lol, good point. I call mine honey all the time. Then again, I'm not such a fan of "Master."

 

[Red_Hot_Mama]

Who says "Master" and "honey" are mutually exclusive?

I see what you mean I guess I was just trying to use terms to explain seeing him differently. He probably will always be "honey" in front of the kids

 

[Homburg]

You're welcome.

And to clear up any possible misconceptions, she's thanking me for a PM exchange, not for being her online dom.

 

[Red_Hot_Mama]

You're welcome.

And to clear up any possible misconceptions, she's thanking me for a PM exchange, not for being her online dom.

Sorry, Homburg if i did cause any confusion.....
I wasn't even thinking about that.

 

[Homburg]

Sorry, Homburg if i did cause any confusion.....
I wasn't even thinking about that.

No sweat at all. It's just that reading comprehension is a foreign concept to some people

 

[NALA CAYENNE]

ok, I need advice and words of wisdom from any of you out there....

I've been married over 20 years and had a vanilla marriage. For the past 10 years (or probably longer) I have known that I was a sub (or wanted to be) and have mentioned things to hubby about it. He thought I was meaning a once in a while thing and we played here and there with light bondage but not much. About 4 months ago I stumbled, well not really stumbled, I went searching for what i was missing. I came upon the Lit boards and found an online Master. It filled the need that i had been wanting so long. So anyway, hubby finds out and i end it but now he is learning how much i need this and he is willing to learn and find out info (thank you, Homburg) And is really trying to be what i need.

So now my problem......after not seeing him in this light for 20+ years how do i start to see him this way? If i was starting a new relationship (and when i did with the person online) its new and you are both starting out knowing what you are wanting and where you are coming from. But with us, we are switching way into our lives together and even though this is something i want how do i start to see him as Master instead of "honey" Has anyone dealt with this type of thing?
I guess part of me is scared too....what if fantasy better than reality (for me)..

I agree with CutieMouse on this. Master most often calls me pet but on occasion I am also honey and love. I generally call him Master or Daddy, sometimes Husband and on rare occasions my Love.

For the most part, do what feels right to the both of you and enjoy that you can have the best of both worlds together. Not many are that blessed and those of us that are, are in semi rare relationships.

 

[Red_Hot_Mama]

For the most part, do what feels right to the both of you and enjoy that you can have the best of both worlds together. Not many are that blessed and those of us that are, are in semi rare relationships.

Thanks, Nala, I think we are both enjoying the learning process
Its been hardest for me to see him in a different light but am trying to focus on the serving and am seeing that I am already starting to think differently.
I really glad that hubby was willing to change our lives to please me. I think he would have before but just really didn't understand what i needed..... but he is learning, quickly

 

[NALA CAYENNE]

Thanks, Nala, I think we are both enjoying the learning process
Its been hardest for me to see him in a different light but am trying to focus on the serving and am seeing that I am already starting to think differently.
I really glad that hubby was willing to change our lives to please me. I think he would have before but just really didn't understand what i needed..... but he is learning, quickly

Try not to focus so much on seeing him in a different light, other than that he is now Master and your duty is to serve him. If you spend too much time on what is hard for you right now, it will detract from your purpose which is to serve him. Believe me, I had to learn this, am still learning

In my opinion though, you are Husband and wife and you love each other, you are just adding a new dimension to your relationship and while it will be hard sometimes, the reward far outweighs the struggle.

 

[JMohegan]

ok, I need advice and words of wisdom from any of you out there....

I've been married over 20 years and had a vanilla marriage. For the past 10 years (or probably longer) I have known that I was a sub (or wanted to be) and have mentioned things to hubby about it. He thought I was meaning a once in a while thing and we played here and there with light bondage but not much. About 4 months ago I stumbled, well not really stumbled, I went searching for what i was missing. I came upon the Lit boards and found an online Master. It filled the need that i had been wanting so long. So anyway, hubby finds out and i end it but now he is learning how much i need this and he is willing to learn and find out info (thank you, Homburg) And is really trying to be what i need.

So now my problem......after not seeing him in this light for 20+ years how do i start to see him this way? If i was starting a new relationship (and when i did with the person online) its new and you are both starting out knowing what you are wanting and where you are coming from. But with us, we are switching way into our lives together and even though this is something i want how do i start to see him as Master instead of "honey" Has anyone dealt with this type of thing?
I guess part of me is scared too....what if fantasy better than reality (for me)..

I'd say it'll depend on the image of intimacy that you perceive as your ultimate goal. If that image of intimacy = a sparkling but nonetheless monochromatic exchange, comprised solely of spectacular sexual experiences, then reality hasn't got a chance.

But if that image of intimacy = great sex PLUS the extraordinary emotional bond that can form from sharing the ups & downs & challenges of life together, then my guess is that you're farther along than you thought.

 

[JMohegan]

Lol, good point. I call mine honey all the time. Then again, I'm not such a fan of "Master."

I'm not a fan of "Master" either.

Nor am I a fan of the conventional wisdom that tells newbies: Read anything & everything you can!

My advice would be to steer clear of Lit's library and the host of published kinky advice books. Spend time focusing on each other as individuals, and on your own, unique, relationship goals.

 

[intothewoods]

I'm not a fan of "Master" either.

Nor am I a fan of the conventional wisdom that tells newbies: Read anything & everything you can!

My advice would be to steer clear of Lit's library and the host of published kinky advice books. Spend time focusing on each other as individuals, and on your own, unique, relationship goals.

Well, in general, I like to read everything I can when I first get into something new.

On the other hand, I've only read two kinky books - When Someone You Love is Kinky and Partners in Power or something like that. I have to admit, I really didn't like them at all, although I found the first one a lot more tolerable. While I enjoy socializing with my local kinksters and I mostly enjoy posting here, I don't particularly fit into bdsm culture, as it is now.

I do find the history of bdsm gay leather houses kind of fascinating. Or looking at 1940s bdsm pictures (a friend of mine has a bunch) - who are these people? How did they get into bdsm? What's their story? I wouldn't mind reading books that were more historical.

Also, there are lots of links in the library to nuts and bolts type information, which can be useful.

 

[zoe8]

I'm not a fan of "Master" either.

Nor am I a fan of the conventional wisdom that tells newbies: Read anything & everything you can!

My advice would be to steer clear of Lit's library and the host of published kinky advice books. Spend time focusing on each other as individuals, and on your own, unique, relationship goals.

Yea I wouldn't think books would help.

I am also trying to morph a ten year vanilla relationship into a more flavorful one. While I enjoy the wisdom and insight from experienced people, I wouldn't want to miss out on the journey of discovering each other again.

 

[JMohegan]

Well, in general, I like to read everything I can when I first get into something new.

On the other hand, I've only read two kinky books - When Someone You Love is Kinky and Partners in Power or something like that. I have to admit, I really didn't like them at all, although I found the first one a lot more tolerable. While I enjoy socializing with my local kinksters and I mostly enjoy posting here, I don't particularly fit into bdsm culture, as it is now.

I do find the history of bdsm gay leather houses kind of fascinating. Or looking at 1940s bdsm pictures (a friend of mine has a bunch) - who are these people? How did they get into bdsm? What's their story? I wouldn't mind reading books that were more historical.

Also, there are lots of links in the library to nuts and bolts type information, which can be useful.

If "nuts and bolts information" = links pointing kinksters to flogging workshops or books on bondage techniques or something like that, then I'd agree - those can be very helpful.

 

[graceanne]

Lol, good point. I call mine honey all the time. Then again, I'm not such a fan of "Master."

I call mine honey and sweety and if I'm hoping for a 'look' snookywinkums.

You're welcome.

And to clear up any possible misconceptions, she's thanking me for a PM exchange, not for being her online dom.

Suuuuuuuuuuure. That's what they all say.

On a serious note: I'd let your relationship grow into a D/s relationship. You don't need to just suddenly BE D/s. Move at your own pace and you'll slowly start to see him as your bigD. I don't think reading up on BDSM is harmful, and for some people can be quite helpful, but JMohegans advice is still sound. The two do not have to be mutually exclusive of each other.

 

[incubus666]

I am a Dom so just some thoughts from a different point of view.

When we met my slave had much more experience then I did. I only had two fairly short BDSM experiences for a total of 4-5 months.

What I discovered was the longer I played with slave the more things appealed to me. For example when we started I had no interest in having her pierced. Two years later I took her to a piercing shop and had her pierced.

The point I am trying to make is that Doms should grow with experience just as subs do. So should he not be exactly what you want be patient , gently let him know what you are interested in, and be supportive of his decisions.

Others have spoken about communications. My slave has a difficult time speaking her desires and needs to me. What I will do is Email questions to her. She finds it easier to write an answer to a question then to ask me directly. It is still communications.

Good Luck

Mike S.

 

[Red_Hot_Mama]

Try not to focus so much on seeing him in a different light, other than that he is now Master and your duty is to serve him.

In my opinion though, you are Husband and wife and you love each other, you are just adding a new dimension to your relationship and while it will be hard sometimes, the reward far outweighs the struggle.

that is what i am trying to just do....serve and figure the rest will "fall" into place. I can see a shift in my mind already. And yes, since we have been husband and wife for so long, its kind of neat adding a new dimension...almost like being new again!
Thanks, Nala

I'd say it'll depend on the image of intimacy that you perceive as your ultimate goal. If that image of intimacy = a sparkling but nonetheless monochromatic exchange, comprised solely of spectacular sexual experiences, then reality hasn't got a chance.

But if that image of intimacy = great sex PLUS the extraordinary emotional bond that can form from sharing the ups & downs & challenges of life together, then my guess is that you're farther along than you thought.

I'll go for the second....Great Sex plus the bond No really that is what i'm looking for...i'm not going into this with rose colored glasses....

Well, in general, I like to read everything I can when I first get into something new.

On the other hand, I've only read two kinky books - When Someone You Love is Kinky and Partners in Power or something like that. I have to admit, I really didn't like them at all, although I found the first one a lot more tolerable. While I enjoy socializing with my local kinksters and I mostly enjoy posting here, I don't particularly fit into bdsm culture, as it is now.

I do find the history of bdsm gay leather houses kind of fascinating. Or looking at 1940s bdsm pictures (a friend of mine has a bunch) - who are these people? How did they get into bdsm? What's their story? I wouldn't mind reading books that were more historical.

Also, there are lots of links in the library to nuts and bolts type information, which can be useful.

I am a reader so I read.....but mostly just to learn the nuts and bolts. I don't want to read the stories to fog up my thinking of what "it" should be like. I do want to explore and find that out for oursleves....

Yea I wouldn't think books would help.

I am also trying to morph a ten year vanilla relationship into a more flavorful one. While I enjoy the wisdom and insight from experienced people, I wouldn't want to miss out on the journey of discovering each other again.

Good luck to you Zoe....I do like to read but I am very much enjoying the journey!

If "nuts and bolts information" = links pointing kinksters to flogging workshops or books on bondage techniques or something like that, then I'd agree - those can be very helpful.

Yes, I think that is what most of our reading is consisting of....I want him to keep me safe

Suuuuuuuuuuure. That's what they all say.

On a serious note: I'd let your relationship grow into a D/s relationship. You don't need to just suddenly BE D/s. Move at your own pace and you'll slowly start to see him as your bigD. I don't think reading up on BDSM is harmful, and for some people can be quite helpful, but JMohegans advice is still sound. The two do not have to be mutually exclusive of each other.

Actually Homburg talked with my hubby too....
thanks for your advice grace..

When we met my slave had much more experience then I did. I only had two fairly short BDSM experiences for a total of 4-5 months.


The point I am trying to make is that Doms should grow with experience just as subs do. So should he not be exactly what you want be patient , gently let him know what you are interested in, and be supportive of his decisions.

Others have spoken about communications. My slave has a difficult time speaking her desires and needs to me. What I will do is Email questions to her. She finds it easier to write an answer to a question then to ask me directly. It is still communications.

Good Luck

Mike S.

We are growing together....I don't have much more experience than He. Just a few months online....not quite the same as living with your Dom day in and day out. I too do better in communicating in writing. So We do send emails and texts to each other throughout the day.
Thanks, Mike for your imput

 

[intothewoods]

If "nuts and bolts information" = links pointing kinksters to flogging workshops or books on bondage techniques or something like that, then I'd agree - those can be very helpful.

Now I know you are a literal thinker, but yes, I did mean technical how-tos and techniques not, literally, nuts and bolts.

I am a reader so I read.....but mostly just to learn the nuts and bolts. I don't want to read the stories to fog up my thinking of what "it" should be like. I do want to explore and find that out for oursleves....

Good for you, Red Hot Mama.

 

[JMohegan]

Now I know you are a literal thinker, but yes, I did mean technical how-tos and techniques not, literally, nuts and bolts.

Haha - thanks for the clarification.

In all seriousness, though, for some people "nuts and bolts" = a framework for the relationship itself.

 

[intothewoods]

Haha - thanks for the clarification.

In all seriousness, though, for some people "nuts and bolts" = a framework for the relationship itself.

It does? Huh, I think that is properly categorized as woo woo relationship talk (the technical term).