New to this forum and first poems here . . .feedback appreciated!

[OceanGoddess]

Hi!

I'm not an experienced poet, and I tend to write song lyrics more often, but here are a couple of poems. I'd appreciate any feedback. Please be gentle and remember I know nothing about poetry, or well, next to nothing.

Thanks!


Poem #1

At what price passion?

To sleep in my lover's arms, to feel penetrated to my soul, satiated and subdued. I am like a caged animal, pacing, panting, searching for you.

At what cost to my heart and mind?

To live with regret in either case, and to never know the other path, what I might have seen, what journeys taken and what vistas there, breathtaking
. ..or blinding.

You take my breath, you take my soul when you enter me, burning, scorching everything in your path, leaving the ashes and the outlines of my former life.
And the water, oh the flood of water, the oceans of regret that run from my eyes down my face. Would I take it all back if I could?

I cannot find my voice to answer, because I am drowning in the memories of your touch ...
And worst of all, you still elude me . . .either you do not love me or you will not say it, but it matters not because still I am left scorched and regretful of the path I took and the path I did not take.

At what price passion?




Poem #2

Nestled in the space between your arm and chest, I feel I've come home.
My hand pressed against your heart, as if to press my heart into yours, my thoughts into your soul.

My hand moves, slowly, so slowly, down your arm, your skin is so soft, so welcoming.
Softly, so softly, barely touching you, I explore the landscape that is your body,
returning to a land I once knew so well, after a long absence.
I am glad to be back in this place.

Your breathing sends it's messages to me . . .
you are getting lost in my touch, in my hands . . .
you are feeling what I have longed for you to feel,
that I crave you.

I begin to take you on a long-desired journey,
I relearn what pleases you,
I want you to feel bliss and joy and sheer ecstacy.

I get my chance.

The night falls and we are together at the ocean,
a place we love, a place we cherish.
The ocean crashes onto our souls like waves onto the shore,
we hear it from our room at the sea.

We lay together and begin to touch, softly, tenderly,
then urgently, with fire and force and passion.
I close my eyes, I want to feel this, and to never forget.
My tongue searches for places which illicit confirmation
I am succeeding at pleasing you.

I stop to tease you and I smile, so smug in my ability to make you gasp and moan.
this is beautiful
this is the way it is supposed to be
I crave this
I crave you.

 

[Jennifer C]

OceanGoddess

It's my opinion that you don't have to know alot about poetry to write a good poem and you have proved my theory correct, I think both poems are very good and you have excellent potential as a writer. I enjoyed both poems and can see you have a passion for writing, that shines through in your work and you write with emotion which is a great skill.

I cannot offer you any advice on how you might improve your work as I do not consider myself qualified to do so, but I enjoyed reading them and hope you continue to write and post here on Lit

Good luck and best wishes

 

[flyguy69]

Hi!

I'm not an experienced poet, and I tend to write song lyrics more often, but here are a couple of poems. I'd appreciate any feedback. Please be gentle and remember I know nothing about poetry, or well, next to nothing.

Thanks!
....

How much poetry have you read, OG? I suggest you start there. Find a poet you like, then read a pile of their work. Dissect it: what do the line breaks do for rhythm and theme? How is the story of the poem developed? What sorts of words sound meaningful, which ones pretentious? How much does a poem try to say? How long are they? What do they look like on a page?

Experiment with rewriting a poem you like: when you find one that resonates because of an experience of your own, rewrite it with your own words. Feel what the poem forces you to do as you discard some details and embellish others. You don't need to show it to anyone so don't worry about quality or plagiarism.

If you are already a song writer you know how much discipline goes into building a successful piece. I suspect that in a few months you will not be writing the sort of stuff you have here.

 

[Jennifer C]

just be yourself

Write from the heart, draw on your own experiences of life and love and anything else you want. Poems don't have to be full of long and complicated words to be profound or powerful, write what you enjoy and you will soon find your style.

Happy writing

 

[WickedEve]

I think Fly gave you great advice and Jennifer gave you encouragement. Yes, you can write a good poem and not know much about poetry. Though, it doesn't happen often. Yes, you can write from the heart and write with emotion. Though, heart and lots of emotion don't always make for the best poems. Bottom line: the more you learn about poetry, the better you'll write.
And welcome to the board.

 

[ruminator]

...

 

[flyguy69]

I think Fly gave you great advice and Jennifer gave you encouragement. Yes, you can write a good poem and not know much about poetry. Though, it doesn't happen often. Yes, you can write from the heart and write with emotion. Though, heart and lots of emotion don't always make for the best poems. Bottom line: the more you learn about poetry, the better you'll write.
And welcome to the board.

You can write from your heart
right from the start;
let words flow from your pen like a lotion.
But unless you are Shakespeare
stilted language sounds fake, dear
and readers will gag on emotion.



God, where is a PUBLISHER when you need one?!

 

[Jennifer C]

Practice makes perfect

I think Fly gave you great advice and Jennifer gave you encouragement. Yes, you can write a good poem and not know much about poetry. Though, it doesn't happen often. Yes, you can write from the heart and write with emotion. Though, heart and lots of emotion don't always make for the best poems. Bottom line: the more you learn about poetry, the better you'll write.
And welcome to the board.

The more you write the better you will get and Literotica is a great place to seek advice and encouragement.

Keep writing

 

[WickedEve]

The more you write the better you will get and Literotica is a great place to seek advice and encouragement.

Keep writing

Writing more poetry can certainly help a poet improve, but if that poets doesn't learn and grow, then he or she is simply writing an abundance of words that may not be up to his/her full potential. I have seen that happen. A poet needs to read. Write. And Learn. The process of becoming a good poet can be very enjoyable. And yes, I realize "good poet" is open to interpretation. lol

 

[WickedEve]

You can write from your heart
right from the start;
let words flow from your pen like a lotion.
But unless you are Shakespeare
stilted language sounds fake, dear
and readers will gag on emotion.



God, where is a PUBLISHER when you need one?!

I have some pen lotion but I've abused it by totally using it in the wrong way.

 

[Jennifer C]

Writing more poetry can certainly help a poet improve, but if that poets doesn't learn and grow, then he or she is simply writing an abundance of words that may not be up to his/her full potential. I have seen that happen. A poet needs to read. Write. And Learn. The process of becoming a good poet can be very enjoyable. And yes, I realize "good poet" is open to interpretation. lol

Well I guess I just can't say anything right today!

 

[flyguy69]

Writing more poetry can certainly help a poet improve, but if that poets doesn't learn and grow, then he or she is simply writing an abundance of words that may not be up to his/her full potential. I have seen that happen. A poet needs to read. Write. And Learn. The process of becoming a good poet can be very enjoyable. And yes, I realize "good poet" is open to interpretation. lol

Good poetry is distinguished by how it feels. I always want to feel a poet, just to see if she is good or not.

 

[Jennifer C]

Good poetry is distinguished by how it feels. I always want to feel a poet, just to see if she is good or not.

Now that makes sense!

 

[flyguy69]

Well I guess I just can't say anything right today!

It doesn't matter what you say, Jennifer; what matters is how you feel. C'mere and let me see if you are a good poet!

 

[Jennifer C]

Lol

It doesn't matter what you say, Jennifer; what matters is how you feel. C'mere and let me see if you are a good poet!

Thanks Flyguy, I'm the first to admit that I don't know that much about poetry but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate a good poem and offer my suggestions. I write from the heart coz thats all I know how to do and I'm happy with that, it's my outlet for my feelings and it works for me.

 

[WickedEve]

Well I guess I just can't say anything right today!

I want novice poets (who want to be better poets) to realize there is much to learn and it's not just from the heart only. Please don't be defensive.

 

[WickedEve]

Good poetry is distinguished by how it feels. I always want to feel a poet, just to see if she is good or not.

Well, that's part of it.

 

[flyguy69]

Thanks Flyguy, I'm the first to admit that I don't know that much about poetry but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate a good poem and offer my suggestions. I write from the heart coz thats all I know how to do and I'm happy with that, it's my outlet for my feelings and it works for me.

Not knowing things has never stopped me from saying things.

 

[flyguy69]

Well, that's part of it.

C'mere, Eve!

Ooh, yeah, you're a gooooood poet!

 

[Jennifer C]

I want novice poets (who want to be better poets) to realize there is much to learn and it's not just from the heart only. Please don't be defensive.

I didn't mean to be defensive, my opinion is my opinion I stand by all I write as i'm sure you do

 

[Jennifer C]

Not knowing things has never stopped me from saying things.

Same here, I also say what I think even if others don't like what that is!