I have been reading Literotica for over a year now. Drawn to BDSM, i have an online Master and I love my role as a sub. I can't seem to get enough so I have joined the BDSM talk. Wanted to introduce myself and ask for advice. I am Married and my husband is clueless as to my interest in this lifestyle I prefer to keep them separate. I have no clue as to how to meet others interested in my area. Any advise comments will be appreciated
New to the lifestyle
- Thread starter damegala
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ecstaticsub
Literotica Guru
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- May 5, 2007
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- 3,389
Welcome ! I am married and I have a LDR with my Dominant. My husband is fully aware of my D/s relationship. I can't say I envy you trying to keep it a secret from your husband. What do you think he would say if you brought up the subject?
I don't have much advice, sorry, but I wish you well.
I don't have much advice, sorry, but I wish you well.
celticsunspiral
Literotica Guru
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- May 12, 2008
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i know how you feel. ihave been working on slowly introducing my husband to what i crave for the past 10 years as i have been figuring it out myself. Sex is not something he is comfortable talking about.
my suggestion, COMMUNICATION is key. If you and he are comforatable talking about sex, tell him, send an email with links to short stories or information about BDSM, leave out a book.
If you don't tell him, he won't know. Good Luck and let us know how it goes.
my suggestion, COMMUNICATION is key. If you and he are comforatable talking about sex, tell him, send an email with links to short stories or information about BDSM, leave out a book.
If you don't tell him, he won't know. Good Luck and let us know how it goes.
SweetErika
Fingers Crossed
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For most of us, kink is a part of who we are. For me, it's the same as being bi or affectionate or needing intellectual stimulation; it's a piece of my puzzle.
With that in mind, I think it's very difficult to compartmentalize BDSM in the way you're describing. Sure, we can keep it separate from our work and some of the other areas of our lives, but I see that as different from keeping it from a partner long-term. Secrets and lack of expression don't work in a LTR for me. Also, I wouldn't want my partner to keep a piece of themselves from me (in fact, I'd be very hurt if they did), so it's not something I want to do to them. If I have to keep one important piece of myself secret, I'm likely going to be more on guard and less open in general; all of this drives a wedge in my relationships and is an impediment to intimacy.
I'm also interested in the answer to ecstatic's question about what you realistically think your husband would say if you told him about your interests or introduced him with "When Someone You Love is Kinky" (link) or something. If he's reacted well so far and loves you for who you are, what's the worst that could happen?
As for meeting people in your area, google 'BDSM munch your_city' and similar. You should be able to find a munch, group, club and likeminded people via google and BDSM personals sites. I'd tell my husband first, though. While kinksters are usually pretty discreet, I'd imagine it'd be a lot worse for my partner to incidentally discover I was pursuing kink and any kind of R/L interaction behind his back than hear about my plans from me.
Primalex
Literotica Guru
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You want to know how to cheat on your husband? No advice for this way from me, sorry. Come back when you want a solution that involves your husband.
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the reason I want to keep them separate it because Im not sure how my husband will take to my new preferences. He is older than I am and blushes when I talk about new things. I am definately open to suggestions that would open him up. I guess Ive just assumed that It would be better to keep them separate so that Im not devastated if he is totally turned off. I have just recently sent him links as advised by another post. Just waiting.
catalina_francisco
Happily insatiable always
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- Jul 29, 2002
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So you don't want to be devastated by his possible non-interest or turn off by your tastes, but are willing to take the risk of him finding out you are having an affair (and for many, an affair is also having an online relationship with someone you have not met physically) and his being totally devastated by the discovery you have cheated behind his back?!! I think before you enter any relationship, D/s or otherwise, you need to sort out what it is you want and be honest with all involved and/or affected by your decisions. It isn't easy, but it might save a long, hard, and painful road in the future.
Catalina
dr_mabeuse
seduce the mind
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I know what you mean. If he's totally turned off by BDSM, then you're sunk. It's over for you. But as long as he doesn't know, you've got some wiggle room, some possibility. You can fool around with it in a non-threatening relationship and see if it's really for you and if you really like it.
If he's against it, your only option then is to leave him or cheat, and you're not going to do that when you're just starting to investigate it. So you're doing a don't ask/don't tell thing.
Happens a lot. No easy answers.
Like they say. Break it to him slowly and see how he responds. It may be that cyber is the only option for you.
If he's against it, your only option then is to leave him or cheat, and you're not going to do that when you're just starting to investigate it. So you're doing a don't ask/don't tell thing.
Happens a lot. No easy answers.
Like they say. Break it to him slowly and see how he responds. It may be that cyber is the only option for you.
A
AsylumSeeker
Guest
Feeling a Draw
I'm feeling myself being drawn here. Have wrtten a few stories involving bondage. Am currently working on a BDSM tale. The idea tempts me.
I'm feeling myself being drawn here. Have wrtten a few stories involving bondage. Am currently working on a BDSM tale. The idea tempts me.
SweetErika
Fingers Crossed
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Her husband might not find her devotion to her "Master" to be as non-threatening as you say. I'd venture that a lot of spouses would/do find their partners' online affairs to be very threatening because usually intimate matters are shared, bonds are formed, and they often lead to real-life meetings.
It sounds like she's crossed the line from 'seeing if she really likes it' to knowing she does and actively pursuing a relationship.
Or, maybe he'll give her his blessing to pursue BDSM on her own. That's certainly not unheard of when one partner isn't interested or has the same orientation, etc. Of course there's less of a chance of that happening if she's not up front about her interests and needs; people tend to be far less giving and agreeable when they're hurting from finding out their partner has lied, hidden important things or cheated on them!
FurryFury
Addict of Sensation
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- Apr 3, 2005
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I personally wouldn't be doing this without my husband's knowledge or consent. That's just not the way I roll but I don't judge others.
I understand the fear of being slammed for having these "abnormal" needs by their life partner.
Nonetheless, I would try to bring him into the loop slowly with comments, actions, stories and so on. He might just find it exciting to come along.
At some point you may have to decide which is more important to you but hopefully not.
I understand the fear of being slammed for having these "abnormal" needs by their life partner.
Nonetheless, I would try to bring him into the loop slowly with comments, actions, stories and so on. He might just find it exciting to come along.
At some point you may have to decide which is more important to you but hopefully not.
SexualDreamer
Experienced
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- Aug 1, 2008
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Look I know how you feel, I have been there. I went into an exploration of sex and found the BDSM lifestyle. I too was hooked into it and thought it sounded really like something I wanted in my life. Then I began to talk to real life people who did this kind of stuff. Do you know if you want to be a submissive? Or a slave? Or did you want to be a Dom/Mistress? IF you do not know the difference then you need to check them out. There is a BIG difference in those titles.
Another thing, if you are wanting to be a submissive or slave you have to be VERY careful about finding a "Master." There are many pretenders out there who "Think" That they are masters but who are only interested in getting sex their way only or beating the crap out of some woman just because they want to and they are the "Master" and that is it.
There is also a thing that happens with submissives/slaves that is not widely known on the net. It is when a sub/slave wants to be a slave so badly that the need inside of them tends to push them into wanting a relationship the way that they need it so badly that they will not have good judgement in selecting a Master and I have talked to a few who have ended up in the hospital because of that.
I have decided that for me, I do not want to be a sub or slave. I just want a 'strong' man in my life. *Smiles* Just be careful in what you do. I know you are in a rough spot right now and I know you are having some really hard decisions to make. IF you need an understanding of Dom/subs I suggest you check out the Castlerealm.com. That is the one I went to and learned a great deal about what it means to be both the Dom/Master... sub/slave.
Take care and be well.
SD
dr_mabeuse
seduce the mind
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- Oct 10, 2002
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Well, if she's already having an online affair, then the whole question is moot, BDSM or no BDSM. I was talking about the case where she was just exploring it, maybe screwing around in some chatrooms and hanging around some Sexual Role Playing games.
Years ago I was in a SRP game with a curious married woman who'd approached her husband and he just wasn't interested, even showed some disgust, so what was she supposed to do? Just give it up? She was really interested but wasn't ready to divorce the guy about it because she didn't even know whether she'd actually like it. So we played a game. She liked it a lot. I don't know what ever happened with her husband.
Of course she should try to talk to her husband and try and win him over, but really, this communication stuff isn't always as easy as it seems. A lot of spouses just don't want to talk or don't even know how or won't be moved by words anyhow, and just bringing up something like this can irreparably damage a relationship.
SweetErika
Fingers Crossed
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You're right, it's often extremely difficult to talk about. I've gone out on that limb with my husband multiple times, and it took a shitload of courage, love and compassion from both of us to get to, and through, those conversations.
I don't agree that bringing it up can irreparably damage the relationship, however. It may be the proverbial last straw, but the relationship has to already have a crumbling foundation (from secrets, resentment, too many fundamental differences in the first place, etc.) for positive communication to break the camel's back. And at that point, anything could be the last straw. Relationships with solid foundations aren't hurt by honesty and communication, they're helped by it. When the base is there, the couple will find a way to work through these discoveries, the difficulties that often come with them, and come out stronger in the end. People do change and grow too far apart to be together happily, but it is that, not the talking about it, that hurts the relationship.
