New to the lifestyle.

[Dom Nation]

Greetings everyone. I have been lurking this board for a while and have learned quite a bit. I even read the entire mother thread, even though it took me some time. I do have some questions that I am hoping someone can answer for me.

Here is a little background so that I can put the question into perspective.

I have really gravitated towards the dominant aspect in D/s relationships. I have really only discovered this in the past 5 or 6 months and it has been a real eye opener. Being so new, obviously I don't have a lot of experience under my belt and I really want to explore this lifestyle. However, my girlfriend of a year and a half doesn't really have any idea about this.

I have tried to talk to her before but she seemed a little timid about it. I think she has a lot of preconceived notions about what BDSM is, just like I did. I know that I need to communicate my feelings about this; I was just trying to find the best way to do it.

My girlfriend is a vanilla sub although she doesn't like to admit it or maybe even know it. I love her very dearly and everything is great but we are in a semi-LDR right now. When we were living together in college there were times when she would get really "kinky" and liked to be called dirty names/spanked/hair pulling etc. However, I couldn't figure out how to encourage more of this.

During my first few months into looking into this I tried to talk to her and she started to get upset that all I wanted was the rough/dirty sex. I stopped bringing it up after that and it has been dormant for a couple months.

I am going to see her in a couple weeks and I bought a few simple things, i.e. handcuffs and a blindfold to see I can introduce her to some light bondage. I am going to take it really slow to see how she responds.

My question is: is there a way to encourage more of her wild/dirty side to come out? Could it be guilt that she liked it or just that some people only operate part-time on BDSM? It doesn't need to be a 24/7 relationship but I did want it to have some permanent basis in the relationship.

Also, does anyone have any advice on how to really bring it up or is this something that needs to wait until we are living together? I can wait this out until then, but I would like to know if there is a way to test the waters without completely laying everything on the table like a pile of bricks.

Thank you for your time.

Respectfully,

-DN

 

[Quint]

The LDR thing really hit home for me and when you said "she started to get upset that all I wanted was the rough/dirty sex," it clicked in my mind. I don't know how long the intervals between your meetings regularly are, but I can definitely understand how someone could get upset if they only see their partner sporadically and when they do, there's no connection; there's just fucking. Granted, that may be a very deep form of connection for you. But she may not view it that way.

I think there's a reason why the lighter side of BDSM frequently comes up when a couple goes to a therapist for advice on spicing up their marriage: when you've been together a really long time and you're extremely familiar with the other person emotionally, sexually, and psychologically, introducing some kinky fun is a great way to make things new and interesting. But when you haven't solidified that relationship yet and you don't have enough skin-to-skin time to work on it outside the bedroom, she may feel a little used. Like you're taking a superficial approach to the relationship. I know this may be a very serious desire/need of yours and perhaps her as well someday, and it probably doesn't feel superficial to you at all. If that is the case, it needs to be discussed and implemented in your everyday bonding, not just on the precious and rare instances you two have together. Let her know how important this is to you. Feel her out, don't just feel her up. Her opinion of BDSM is NOT going to improve if on a basic emotional level she equates it to "when he sees me, he wants to spank and fuck me, not talk to me." Give her the right impression.

That's my view of the moment.

 

[Quint]

Grr, arg.

 

[Quint]

See, I'm just practicing for my stint in politics. Repeat the same speech over and over again and don't say anything new.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Methinks Quint feels strongly about this response - about three times as strongly as usual

 

[Quint]

Methinks Quint feels strongly about this response - about three times as strongly as usual

A nice Dom wouldn't have pointed it out!

 

[Kajira Callista]

A nice Dom wouldn't have pointed it out!

there is such a thing as nice Doms? *covers bottom and quickly leaves thread*

 

[Dom Nation]

The LDR thing really hit home for me and when you said "she started to get upset that all I wanted was the rough/dirty sex," it clicked in my mind. I don't know how long the intervals between your meetings regularly are, but I can definitely understand how someone could get upset if they only see their partner sporadically and when they do, there's no connection; there's just fucking. Granted, that may be a very deep form of connection for you. But she may not view it that way.

Quint,

When she did make her complaint it was during a stint of "phone relations". Her comment was partially directed at the fact that she wanted more vanilla style talk instead of the rougher stuff that night and I wasn't really into it. We fixed that problem the next night, but the comment stuck in my mind.

That was during a time when I was just right out of college and she was still there finishing up. Since then we have bounced around locations several times before crashing into our respective gutters of parental establishments. We haven't had any kind of real deep conversations since she was relegated into going home. That is not to say we don't talk, but we are both suffering from some distance depression to some degree.

When we do so each other, approximately every 2 months at this point, it is not just a big long fuck session. The last time I saw her, we spent the majority of two days without any sex at all. We just spent time appreciating one another, and we both loved it. I wouldn't have minded more physical relations but we were both having some different physical problems, (skin rash and diabetic complications), which prevented us from really being in the mood.

However, she openly stated that this time she wants a booty call, and I more than happy to oblige. I don't doubt it will be more than just copulation, but it is on the list.

I think there's a reason why the lighter side of BDSM frequently comes up when a couple goes to a therapist for advice on spicing up their marriage: when you've been together a really long time and you're extremely familiar with the other person emotionally, sexually, and psychologically, introducing some kinky fun is a great way to make things new and interesting. But when you haven't solidified that relationship yet and you don't have enough skin-to-skin time to work on it outside the bedroom, she may feel a little used. Like you're taking a superficial approach to the relationship. I know this may be a very serious desire/need of yours and perhaps her as well someday, and it probably doesn't feel superficial to you at all. If that is the case, it needs to be discussed and implemented in your everyday bonding, not just on the precious and rare instances you two have together. Let her know how important this is to you. Feel her out, don't just feel her up. Her opinion of BDSM is NOT going to improve if on a basic emotional level she equates it to "when he sees me, he wants to spank and fuck me, not talk to me." Give her the right impression.

That's my view of the moment. [/B]

You make a really good point again Quint, it can't just be an ocassional physical event. I was just thinking that it would be easy to mask it as a "vanilla" thing and slowly work into it as she becomes interested (or lack thereof.) Perhaps this would give the wrong idea?

My only fear would be that she would get freaked out a little if I laid it all out. If she asked my plainly what I was looking for, I could not list it all. I have ideas, but those are still quite maleable at this point and not concrete.

I have actually talked to her before, and said that I wanted to be "in charge" more and she was open to that. However, once she was making a joke about me wanting a Dominatrix and I said "No, actually I would want the opposite." She replied in a joking manner, "Really? I don't want to be dominated."

I think she does have a lot of misconceptions and I am still pondering the best way to clarify things. I was hoping this trip would be a segway to a possible talk about TPE.

Maybe I should have a "Bring a sub to work day" and have them talk to her?

Quint, thanks for the great response. Anyone else have any ideas?

Thanks.

-DN

 

[Quint]

Whoa, already bringing up the Big Three-Lettered....Acronym. I remember drooling over the prospect of being a fulltime slave, until I really started a more committed D/s relationship and realized that this shit is hard. Not just hardcore but HARD. You have to really know who you are and what you deserve and how to achieve that. I'm not in-tune with my own needs enough to surrender them to another person. Maybe never. Probably not wired in that direction.

But I like your flavor and I truly wish you the best. If I may offer some more thoughts on the subject, I think a good approach to bringing up BDSM on a serious "this is what I need" level would be to put yourself in your girlfriend's position right now. What does she know about BDSM? Inform her. What fears might she logically have about it? Appease her. What possible benefits would she reap from building that aspect up? Promise them to her. Essentially, you're trying to "sell" this to her. Don't confront her with the demons; just tease her with the exciting and non-threatening until her interest is piqued. Since you already know what you want out of it, focus in your discussions about what you hope she'll get out of it. And then make it happen.

If you read the Monster thread, I'm sure you read something on the "you can't convert the nilla" line of thinking, and I hold it to be true. You can have a good time but you can't make them live it. So you have to know if she is both ready and willing to match you in your pursuit of the Shiny Paddle of Happiness.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

You might even have a home video night - watch "9 1/2 weeks" and "The Secretary" ................................. you'll have a pretty good idea if she's got submissive tendencies before the night's out.

 

[Etoile]

I think she does have a lot of misconceptions and I am still pondering the best way to clarify things. I was hoping this trip would be a segway to a possible talk about TPE.

How familiar are you with the concept of TPE? While it can mean different things to different people, it usually involves the submissive giving up their rights and decision-making completely to the dominant. That means the dominant must not only be responsible and take care of the submissive, but they must also know the sub very well in order to be able to make informed decisions for the sub's well-being. As I've said elsewhere (there's a link around here somewhere), it's not that the dom must control everything, but that the dom has the option to control everything. This means that the submissive must be willing to allow that.

From what you've described, it sounds like your girlfriend won't really go for this idea. TPE is something that must be entered into willingly, or the relationship will quickly fall apart. You can't just "segue into talking about TPE" - she has to be fully informed about BDSM, D/s, your relationship with each other, safewords, what TPE means, and so on. TPE is a very profound agreement between two people, and you will not find many people on this board who practice it. TPE is the exception, not the norm. Many couples have completely fulfilling D/s-based relationships without TPE - it's not something you want to bring up so early in the game.

Remember, you're talking about Total Power Exchange. It should be treated with the appropriate gravity.

 

[Dom Nation]

Apparently I mispoke when I said TPE. As Quint and Etoile both pointed out, that is a huge step. I really meant to go along the lines of just PE of just talking about some things.

Thanks for clearing that up.

That should also teach me to try to spell "segue" without spell checking.

 

[Etoile]

Apparently I mispoke when I said TPE. As Quint and Etoile both pointed out, that is a huge step. I really meant to go along the lines of just PE of just talking about some things.

Thanks for clearing that up.

That should also teach me to try to spell "segue" without spell checking.

You're quite welcome.

And I wasn't going to point out the segue bit...I just figured I'd slip the correct spelling in there! In your defense, though, that little cart that moves around at 10mph is spelled Segway.

I don't think I welcomed you to Lit, by the way. Bad Etoile! No cookie!
http://www.bath.ac.uk/international-office/images/welcome.gif

 

[Dom Nation]

I don't think I welcomed you to Lit, by the way. Bad Etoile! No cookie!

If you are bad, does that mean you do or do not get a spanking?

 

[Etoile]

If you are bad, does that mean you do or do not get a spanking?

If I'm bad, I don't get a spanking...if I'm good, I get a whipping!

 

[RJMasters]

I have tried to talk to her before but she seemed a little timid about it. I think she has a lot of preconceived notions about what BDSM is, just like I did. I know that I need to communicate my feelings about this; I was just trying to find the best way to do it.

My girlfriend is a vanilla sub although she doesn't like to admit it or maybe even know it.

When we were living together in college there were times when she would get really "kinky" and liked to be called dirty names/spanked/hair pulling etc. However, I couldn't figure out how to encourage more of this.

During my first few months into looking into this I tried to talk to her and she started to get upset that all I wanted was the rough/dirty sex. I stopped bringing it up after that and it has been dormant for a couple months.

DN,

A cpl things really caught my eye in your post...one is she doesn't like to admit it....and two, she gets upset when talking about it.

They may be other causes for this, but my wife is very similar...in that while she is in the throws of passion, I can do all those things, pull hair, spank her...etc...and she loves it and wants more...but outside of the throws of passion, she gets upset just trying to talk about it.

For example, I would ask her how she liked me pulling her hair the other day...and she will get upset for bringing it up. Yet that night, she couldn't get enough of it again...

So why is this? Well its probably that she isn't comfortable accepting "what she believes" is the darker side within her(for whatever reason). She may use sex like others use alchohol as an escuse to let herself go out of control during sex which makes everything ok, but as a sober person she would never admit to wanting to do that(if you follow me).

This is hard as often the best avenue is communication, but in this case, sometimes communication is not possible without causing trouble. Perhaps, put the cuffs and blindfold into a bag and tell her she cannot look inside...but place it on the bed so she can see the bag...and let her curiosity build about it.

Perhaps the opportunity will present itself for her to look into the bag and get excited by what she finds...

Putting in a single rose in the bag, might be a nice added touch...and if she does go for the cuffs...you can use the end of the rose to lightly tickle torture her...

Other than that...I would heed what Quint had to say, and ensure you are taking care of the overall relationship, and not just on the sexual aspects of your relationship. As you no doubt have learned by reading the forum threads, BDSM is largely about the person's heart and mind. Where you have successfully captivated the heart and mind, the body is sure to follow naturally in time.

Good luck.

(ps, something that may make the cuffs more palletable for her the first time...is open her hand and place the key inside it before you put the cuffs on...that way she still has a small measure of control knowing she has the key.)

 

[Etoile]

Re: Re: New to the lifestyle.

(ps, something that may make the cuffs more palletable for her the first time...is open her hand and place the key inside it before you put the cuffs on...that way she still has a small measure of control knowing she has the key.)

Wow, that's devious! Because of course she can't open the cuffs while her hands are in them...wow!

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Re: Re: Re: New to the lifestyle.

Wow, that's devious! Because of course she can't open the cuffs while her hands are in them...wow!

Actually, if she has normal flexibility in her wrists/hands, she can open the cuffs by holding the key in one hand and unlocking the other cuff... unless, of course, some sadistic bastard like me were to (1) use single-link or bar-link cuffs, (2) put the backs of her hands together and (3) tighten the cuffs enough she couldn't rotate her wrists.

 

[sincerely_helene]

Re: Re: Re: Re: New to the lifestyle.

Actually, if she has normal flexibility in her wrists/hands, she can open the cuffs by holding the key in one hand and unlocking the other cuff... unless, of course, some sadistic bastard like me were to (1) use single-link or bar-link cuffs, (2) put the backs of her hands together and (3) tighten the cuffs enough she couldn't rotate her wrists.