New to the lifestyle (female)

[bothofus2]

New to the lifestyle (female) advice pls

Hi, I am a female sub and looking for advice. Me and my husband have recently been trying to start living the bdsm lifestyle we both really like the idea of it. I am very submissive, and he is naturally a dominant. We know no other people personally who live like this and wanted advice. It seems everytime we try, we wind up venturing away from it and going back to normal vanilla routine lifestyle. Neither of us have ever had a relationship like that so we dont really know how to go about it. We have a contract, and i even have a day collar, (that i have to earn back because i didnt follow rules). I have a hard time trying to keep in line and do my daily duties that i am suppose to do, (i know that is terrible...) and then he punishes me for it a few times and then we just kind of quit. Did anyone else have trouble like this starting up? What are some ways we can make sure we do better?Are we just doomed? Is it all my fault? Are we starting wrong?

 

[MeekMe]

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1123391
^that has been examples of how things work for some of us.

I personally don't subscribe to a "lifestyle" because I think it's ridiculous to try and form my life around what makes my bits tingle. That said, life is not all kinky fuckery and groceries still have to bought and bills paid and you still have to put pants on to go to work.

I'll be back with more, I have to go.

 

[bothofus2]

Im not exactly sure what in my post gave off the impression that i was trying to do it to "get my bits off" I dont view the bdsm lifestyle that way. I see it as more of a 1950`s type of lifestyle, where I serve my husband and do what makes him happy. To me that is a good way of showing him that I love him. It makes me happy to know what is expected of me and to fulfill that. Im just not perfect at it yet. thank you for the links.

 

[CutieMouse]

Im not exactly sure what in my post gave off the impression that i was trying to do it to "get my bits off" I dont view the bdsm lifestyle that way. I see it as more of a 1950`s type of lifestyle, where I serve my husband and do what makes him happy. To me that is a good way of showing him that I love him. It makes me happy to know what is expected of me and to fulfill that. Im just not perfect at it yet. thank you for the links.

If the goal here is serving your husband and making him happy as a way to show him you love him... why does that need a contract and collar and all the complications that "the lifestyle" brings with it?

I'm not saying that as criticism of you or your relationship. I'm saying that because over the years I have seen dozens upon dozens of threads where people make D/s a hell of a lot more complicated than necessary, by buying into the trappings of BDSM - contracts, rules, punishments, collars earned and lost, etc.

It seems everytime we try, we wind up venturing away from it and going back to normal vanilla routine lifestyle.

Maybe consider thinking about D/s as normal life? What were you expecting to be different? What was supposed to change? Were your expectations realistic?

My relationship is insanely "vanilla", but that doesn't mean it isn't kinky or that it isn't D/s. It means we have very busy lives and if D/s is important we both have to make how we experience and express D/s a priority.

Neither of us have ever had a relationship like that so we don't really know how to go about it. We have a contract, and i even have a day collar, (that i have to earn back because i didn't follow rules).

What was the contract supposed to accomplish? I know contracts are really popular, but it isn't like there's a BDSM rule book that says it's not a real relationship without a contract.

Collars have as much meaning as you give them. The collar doesn't make the commitment; the two of you do.

As for not following the rules - why did you break them? Again - were they realistic rules? Did y'all possibly introduce too many things at once? Were you in a position where "breaking a rule" was necessary?

I have a hard time trying to keep in line and do my daily duties that i am suppose to do, (i know that is terrible...)

Again - is the difficulty too many rules at once? Are the expectations realistic? I know my ex-husband expected me to be a cross between Martha Stewart and June Cleaver because I was a stay at home mom... but his idea of what my day looked like and what my day really looked like did not match up. He discovered that for himself after I divorced him.

and then he punishes me for it a few times and then we just kind of quit.

Honest question - if someone important to you promised to do XYZ, and agreed to punishment if they didn't do XYZ (theory being that punishment would motivate obedience), but even after punishment continued to not do XYZ as promised... how would you feel?

My lover doesn't have time or energy for that shit. We're both adults, which means we keep our commitments and/or promises to each other to the best of our ability. But if I agreed to a certain set of rules, and repeatedly broke them? He wouldn't bother with punishment; he'd just move on to someone who had more respect for him, herself and the relationship.

 

[Larkfield61]

Who wants it most.

Or get the impression that you're more into it than him.

He needs to be more domineering and forceful. Demanding you please him in every way and being prepared to punish you when you fail.

There are of course the physical punishments of spanking, maybe a cane, and bondage using tit binding and nipple clamps.

Also there is the more subtle punishment of just ignoring you, making you beg for attention.

Once you have both got that far into the scene you have the option to progress into the realms of humiliation either privately or public.

From your comments you are probably a very suitable subject, you need to decide between you if he is ready to play his part.

 

[bothofus2]

yes i see your points... I dont think that his requests were unrealistic, just not something that i am use to doing all the time, and alot of them were introduced at once. if it is expected of me to do all of these things I really WANT to do them, and feel like a fuck up when i dont.Maybe i dont respect him like i should and that makes me feel worse! My life is stressful right now as i have a lot of extra things going on that makes me have trouble even getting normal things done sometimes... and yes i know we dont have to have a contract, we did it though because we wanted to have it written out what was expected of each of us, and I know i dont have to have a collar, but I really wanted it. It made me feel loved and special for having it.

 

[bothofus2]

Or get the impression that you're more into it than him.

He needs to be more domineering and forceful. Demanding you please him in every way and being prepared to punish you when you fail.

There are of course the physical punishments of spanking, maybe a cane, and bondage using tit binding and nipple clamps.

Also there is the more subtle punishment of just ignoring you, making you beg for attention.

Once you have both got that far into the scene you have the option to progress into the realms of humiliation either privately or public.

From your comments you are probably a very suitable subject, you need to decide between you if he is ready to play his part.

I think we both want it just as badly, I think maybe he just gets disappointed in me and kinda gives up on me when i dont do what im suppose to, I feel like maybe i need training maybe? and to not be given up on

 

[CutieMouse]

yes i see your points... I dont think that his requests were unrealistic, just not something that i am use to doing all the time, and alot of them were introduced at once. if it is expected of me to do all of these things I really WANT to do them, and feel like a fuck up when i dont.Maybe i dont respect him like i should and that makes me feel worse! My life is stressful right now as i have a lot of extra things going on that makes me have trouble even getting normal things done sometimes... and yes i know we dont have to have a contract, we did it though because we wanted to have it written out what was expected of each of us, and I know i dont have to have a collar, but I really wanted it. It made me feel loved and special for having it.

If y'all don't take reality into consideration, you're setting yourselves up to fail. And being overly critical of yourself isn't going to help, either.

If your life is unusually stressful and busy, where was the wisdom in adding multiple responsibilities at home that have to be done all the time?

Would it be better to have an honest sit down and evaluate where life is at right now, then prioritize 1-2 things that you know you can commit to - then commit to them? Then when life calms down a bit, or you've gotten in the habit of doing those 1-2 things, add another 1-2. Long term gain over short term stress.

 

[CutieMouse]

I think we both want it just as badly, I think maybe he just gets disappointed in me and kinda gives up on me when i dont do what im suppose to, I feel like maybe i need training maybe? and to not be given up on

When you say training - what does that mean to you? What does training look like? What do you expect training to accomplish that you aren't accomplishing now? Do you see your husband doing the training, or someone else?

 

[bothofus2]

well, my husband of course is who i would expect, but to be honest, i dont know what training would be. and i dont believe he does either.. so I dont know.. and yes starting with one to two things does sound like a more realistic idea.

 

[yukonnights]

yes i see your points... I dont think that his requests were unrealistic, just not something that i am use to doing all the time, and alot of them were introduced at once. if it is expected of me to do all of these things I really WANT to do them, and feel like a fuck up when i dont.Maybe i dont respect him like i should and that makes me feel worse! My life is stressful right now as i have a lot of extra things going on that makes me have trouble even getting normal things done sometimes... and yes i know we dont have to have a contract, we did it though because we wanted to have it written out what was expected of each of us, and I know i dont have to have a collar, but I really wanted it. It made me feel loved and special for having it.

Perhaps you just started out too fast and with too much. If it were me, I would want to ease myself into such a "lifestyle" as you envision (remember, 1950's wives usually stayed at home and didn't worry about money and all that "man stuff"...in other words, they probably had more time do housework/cooking etc. than you do.) Also, I would think it might be too much for both of you to maintain this everyday...and for myself, this would definitely dull the erotic pleasure a lot....maybe a whole lot!

Why not consider rewriting the contract to bring BDSM games in only on certain days of the week. That way, hopefully you will both be more rested, eager and aroused by the anticipation of playing out the ideal 1950's relationship.

And always remember, this 'lifestyle" is supposed to be fun and bring us closer and reinforce our love for one another. (in reading that sentence I think I want to add; Every life, and therefore every "lifestyle", is unique to those living it...explore and have fun...keep the good stuff and toss the not so good)

Best Wishes for finding all that you seek...

EDIT TO ADD: I see that CutieMouse has been saying some of the same things while I was writing this...I think you should trust her on this stuff

 

[MeekMe]

Get back from the movies and CutieMouse beat me to it. Not much to say without repeating what's been said.

 

[Nezhul]

It seems you are trying the lifestyle, as in 24/7 submission, not just games in bed.
From what I've read, you may be trying to introduce too much rules too fast. It becomes too much, it dulls the effect, and you go back to vanilla.

First, let me tell you that I'm naturally dominant too. But I love my vanilla sex and relationships and I don't want to lose it. Maybe that's your case? If that's so, there's nothing wrong with switching.

Try switching things up. For example, on Sunday you both talk if you are going to be a sub for the next week, or if you want to relax and rest from your collar. You will establish what works for you best, I'm sure.

Another thing - start small and simple, and build up to hard things. Introduce one or two rules or things a week - go with it, get a feel of them and get accustomed to them. When you feel like they completely merged into your routine - add one more rule, and let it be absorbed too.
Too many new things all at once are a shock to your system, a stress, and your natural reaction is negative. You get tired of them very fast. And when you get tired you want to quit. Gradually introducing new rules and things is a fun process, I think. And it may eventually lead you to places that you can't even imagine yourself visiting right now - all because you take baby steps to get there.

 

[tryn2Bgood]

It seems you are trying the lifestyle, as in 24/7 submission, not just games in bed.
From what I've read, you may be trying to introduce too much rules too fast. It becomes too much, it dulls the effect, and you go back to vanilla.

First, let me tell you that I'm naturally dominant too. But I love my vanilla sex and relationships and I don't want to lose it. Maybe that's your case? If that's so, there's nothing wrong with switching.

Try switching things up. For example, on Sunday you both talk if you are going to be a sub for the next week, or if you want to relax and rest from your collar. You will establish what works for you best, I'm sure.

Another thing - start small and simple, and build up to hard things. Introduce one or two rules or things a week - go with it, get a feel of them and get accustomed to them. When you feel like they completely merged into your routine - add one more rule, and let it be absorbed too.
Too many new things all at once are a shock to your system, a stress, and your natural reaction is negative. You get tired of them very fast. And when you get tired you want to quit. Gradually introducing new rules and things is a fun process, I think. And it may eventually lead you to places that you can't even imagine yourself visiting right now - all because you take baby steps to get there.

I have experienced the exact same thing you are describing. Your situation is perfectly normal. The advice quoted above is really good advice. I think you may be expecting too much too fast. There IS a learning curve. But the biggest key is COMMUNICATION. I have a lot of suggestions that could help with that, but I don't want to post so much right here. Just know that the issue you have is normal and can be improved. Try not to get frustrated, and don't just give up. Again, communicate with each other - often! Make sure that what you both have been doing is working for you both. Modify the 'rules' where and when needed. Give yourselves some learning room and time to adjust. I'm sure you will be able to make it work. If you want someone to talk to or extra advice or opinion from time to time, feel free to PM me. Good luck!

 

[wakeboard1963]

Community

Just want say get involved in the Community ..... Me and My pet go to a discussion group for people who want some sort of power exchange relationship
It helps to see that everyone struggles at times. We all have different expectations of what our relationship will be.We frame our relationship around a 1950's out look as well

Communication communication communication

Good luck