New To Swinging with questions...

[Jasonthed002]

Hi All,

First, thank you for participation in Literotica. This has been a great resource for information on erotic topics. My wife and I have been discussing the option of involving others in our 20 year monogamous sexual relationship and I am looking for practical advice.

1. Friend couples. We have been close friends with two couples for many years. We have had a few erotic encounters with them but nothing more than a naked make out session with the occasional hand reaching over to the opposite side of the bed. Last weekend we were all at a party together and the topic came up. The girls discussed in one room while thu guys discussed in another. Nothing ended up happening but according to my wife, the women are a go.

2. What are the rules? It seems that in order to make sure six people have a good time, a set of rules should be established in advance. Especially in untested waters like the six of us. I think everyone is cool with their partner going all the way with another. It was also established that mf, ff are fine while mm isn't wanted.

3. Personal performance. I have a morbid fear of not being able to perform under pressure. I had this happen as a young guy and it really really sucked. It is the kind of thing that could ruin a great evening for all of us. Impotence due to male performance anxiety. How can I ensure that my dick won't ruin the party? Also, based on personal experience, a man generally has an abrupt mood swing just after ejaculation. How does this effect the party mood? Are there guidelines for this? I have a fear of just starting to put a smile on my partner's face when her husband announces he is done and wants to go home.

4. The 24 hour trade. I propose a random three way couple swap where each random mf couple gets a budget and 24 hours to go have fun. I imagine taking the woman to a nice resort hotel for a night with dinner and a romantic evening of hanky pankey. The next day we all come back together to trade back and go our separate ways. I like this because it reduces the anxiety of point three above. But is it too much?

What are your thoughts? HELP!! I need your expert advice!!!

 

[subwannabe]

Well thought out questions. To generalize I would have to say that it is up to all of you to make the rules. Somehow you have got to abandon your performance anxiety issues. I know that's not easy. If it makes you feel any better I would have to say that a good majority of normal people would have this going on in the back of their minds, whether they would want to admit it or not. I would. Unfortunately, I will probably never be in your shoes but, if I was, if I started out having performance anxiety issues I think I would get over it pretty quickly as we drove into the nuts and bolts.

 

[amofiga]

Good questions and it shows you're smart enough to have some rules and guidelines on the table to avoid the potential pitfalls and problems. I think your last notion of "blind swapping" maybe could help to avoid the potential anxieties that could be produced by an open orgy. Dealing with one partner at a time in private is perhaps one way to avoid (or be fearful of) public embarrassment. It could be pretty horrible watching some guy bang away at your wife with a 100% certified Louisville slugger while you're working on a wet noodle with his wife. If there are six couples, maybe it would be good to do some private swapping before going to an all out orgy. Just my thoughts. But whatever you do, good luck with it and just know that there will be a lot of envious people out here if you decide to post about it.

 

[Jasonthed002]

Anyone have personal experience with a swap?

Thanks for the great feedback. I received a pm with another site that really had some great info. I am starting to think its best to bring it up in an open discussion with the friends. I have to say that all of this makes me feel young and silly. Like we are exploring something new.

Has anyone had these discussions beforehand? It feels so wrong to put structure around an organic experience. I just want things to work out well for everyone.

How did you set rules?

What happens when shit goes wrong? The best thing I read so far on this topic was a Woman telling the story of this starting to occur and saving the situation by recognizing it and quickly taking the guy to another room to relieve the stress.

 

[smuggy_x]

The first person to make rules with is between you and your wife. Then you need to make sure there are clear boundaries between everyone, because it always gets a little confusing and awkward to at least one person after their first swinging session. I have swinger friends, they don't seem to have any specific rules, but nothing has ever gone awry. I'm sure it's all just about making sure everyone is on the same page and comfortable with it.

 

[NightL]

I thought sex was supposed to be fun. It reads like you are going to have an anxiety attack and pass out just thinking about it.

Seriously, if you are so wound up as it appears then you are no way ready.

I have had the threesomes and the moresomes ...attended the clubs, but I would have never considered myself or partner to be swingers. Every time was spontaneous, joyful, hot as hell and sometimes just funny. Planning such a situation and laying out all these ground rules would turn it into some goal oriented activity. Would you take a clipboard and chart with you, ticking off the appropriate boxes?

If you and your wife have trust and genuine love for each other and you are open to such a situation... then just get out and have some fun. Go out dancing with the other couple, party up a little... take away the expectations. It happens or it does not... so what, you will have a great night out anyway.

Oh... and just thinking about it does not make you swingers. I suggest you go to a club or social environment where swingers meet up. Watch and observe before you put that label on yourselves.

Stop being so serious and just go have some fun.

 

[smuggy_x]

I thought sex was supposed to be fun. It reads like you are going to have an anxiety attack and pass out just thinking about it.

Seriously, if you are so wound up as it appears then you are no way ready.

I have had the threesomes and the moresomes ...attended the clubs, but I would have never considered myself or partner to be swingers. Every time was spontaneous, joyful, hot as hell and sometimes just funny. Planning such a situation and laying out all these ground rules would turn it into some goal oriented activity. Would you take a clipboard and chart with you, ticking off the appropriate boxes?

If you and your wife have trust and genuine love for each other and you are open to such a situation... then just got out and have some fun. Go out dancing with the other couple, party up a little... take away the expectations. It happens or it does not... so what, you will have a great night out anyway.

Oh... and just thinking about it does not make you swingers. I suggest you go to a club or social environment where swingers meet up. Watch and observe before you put that label on yourselves.

Stop being so serious and just go have some fun.

Every time I've had "moresomes" there were no rules, so I think you said it better than I did. It was all fun and never too meticulous.

 

[kcwordsmith]

my advice

Let me preface this by saying my wife and I are NOT swingers. As far as we've gotten is talking about it in principle. When it got down to making something happen, we have not taken the required initiative. Having said that I will tell you I have have a high degree of interest in swinging and have done a lot of research. There is a good website that I could recommend. It seems to me you have cleared the highest hurdle, which is to have partners in mind and agreement among all that you are okay with it. I wouldn't worry about not being able to perform. If it happens, it happens, but I think she would understand. Also, there are other ways you can satisfy a woman. I know what you mean about men having a different mindset after the get off. With me it isn't a mood swing as much as a lessened level of excitement. It is right to discuss it thoroughly in advance to make sure to the greatest extent possible there are no surprises. One of the things I recommend you spend a lot of time on: making sure there won't be feelings of jealously and resentment on the part of either spouse after sleeping with another. I think you need to make sure you understand the distinction between fucking and making love. If you wife is up for it though, I say go for it. That's a situation most men only dream about.

 

[pplwatching]

If you wife is up for it though, I say go for it. That's a situation most men only dream about.

While I can't speak for "most men", I have never dreamed about it.

 

[DeceptiveSpeed]

The best thing is open and honest communication between all of you. That means before any clothes come off you should sit down and talk about it. Do it over a glass of wine (though not more than that, don't wanna get too tipsy) and just talk about like adults what your expectations are. They're your friends, so it's not like you're going in blind. Discuss every possibility you can think of (kissing, no kissing, anal, no anal, condoms, etc) The more you talk about it, the more it forces you to work out your thoughts and feeling and you'll just be able to go with the flow. Also, just talking about it will probably in the mood to go for it right then.

When it comes to performance anxiety, just remind yourself it's just sex. You've done it before. You can't control if your friend has a huge cock. So what? Nothing you can do about it so get over it. One of the couples my wife and I play with, the guy lasts forever. Literally. Since I'm about average in the stamina department, I kinda had to get over that. Now it's no big deal. The more you stress about stuff like going limp, the more it becomes a real possibility. Also, you have a tongue and fingers. Go eat and finger some pussy.

Mood change after coming? There's always going to be a bit of a drop off in arousal. So, go get some gatorade (stuff works wonders after hard group sex, seriously) and take a break and watch. Chances are you'll get into it again fairly quickly.

The 24hr trade (or in our case like 8hr) is something we've done and we only do it with our 2 established close couples. Personally we like it all same room, just because we like the voyeur aspect, but if you think it would put everyone (including yourself) at ease then go for it.

Finally, work something out with your wife that if you give her a look or "the look" then you're not cool with something. It's best to "break the mood" and talk things out than letting something go and resenting her for it later. Ya know. If you have any other questions. Ask away.

 

[Jasonthed002]

Awesome advice!

Thanks so much for all of your diverse perspectives. It is great to have a place to ask such questions.

I didn't realize that the word swinger/swinging had such a strict social establishment. So, for the record, I am not looking to obtain credentials for entering into a social society and I am not a swinger. I want to have a fun night with my wife and friends. And if the night is anything like I fantasize, I would love it to happen again. Thus, I am putting a little effort into understanding the basic mechanics of this mysterious social event before diving in. Swinging golf clubs at the range does not give me the right to join the country club. I understand that completely.

DeceptiveSpeed, You obviously have practical knowledge of the private swap idea. thank you for your feedback. Is that something you would recommend as a starter or would you suggest a more group setting?

This is in no way going to be a planned lab experiment so I'm pretty sure it'll end up being a little of everything. Wine, talk, make out, go to separate rooms, fuck like porn stars, come back, fuck like porn stars again, etc... I plan on keeping a Viagra handy and just going with the flow. In terms of anxiety, i am not worried at all about my feelings, just my dick.

As for a swap - If a plan comes up, I'll pitch that and see what happens.

In any case, thanks again to everyone for your feedback. I am not sure when this will occur but if it does, I'll post a follow up to describe how things went.

 

[Goey]

Put some common-sense rules down (condoms, where cum can go, bum fun etc.)
Make sure condoms are changed when changing partners.
A quick shake of the head is good enough for people to know not to continue what they're doing.

If your all friends and comfortable with each other you should be fine. We've had friends join us numerous times. It's all about respect and making sure people aren't just going with the flow because they're scared not to.

 

[DeceptiveSpeed]

DeceptiveSpeed, You obviously have practical knowledge of the private swap idea. thank you for your feedback. Is that something you would recommend as a starter or would you suggest a more group setting?

It's all about comfort level. If everyone agrees with it, then it's a great idea. Just because you start out separately, certainly doesn't preclude you from all getting together at some point. For us, we knew we wanted to start out in the same room and watch each other. We did separate rooms/cities just cause we wanted to branch out and try some fun that way.

We don't really consider ourselves swingers, it's just easier to describe that way. We don't do the club thing (though we're curious) and we really don't do random hookups. We like lasting friendships with sex as a bonus, not as the only thing in common. But for others that seems lame. Don't try to pigeonhole yourself into something because of a label. Just explore and have fun.

 

[kcwordsmith]

what's a swinger

Whether you consider yourself to be a swinger or not, what you are contemplating -- swapping mates with other couples meets the definition. I'd love to be in your shoes. I think you'll find it to be very enjoyable.

 

[EnglishEm]

My hubby and I have been swinging for just over a year now. We've experienced mmf, mff, straight swaps, 4somes and moresomes. We've also had stranger sex as well as sex with friends (fuck buddies).

We've been to car parks, parties, clubs and other peoples houses. While I wouldn't call us hardened swingers, I would say we know what we're talking about!

We've set rules and some have been changed, others remain.

In my mind, the advice to 'just go with it and have fun' isn't really the way to go. Yes, it's all about having fun, no strings sex but you need to talk to each other and explore ideas about what you both expect to feel when you do it.

Simple things like, 'how am I going to feel watching him/her kissing another man/woman?

You need to set some ground rules and discuss them with your friends. Jealousy can raise it's ugly head at anytime and having some rules will help with this.

I've written about my experiences on a blog the link for which you can find in my profile (I'm not trying to punt it, just thought you might find the stories interesting).

As for performance issues/anxiety problems, pm me and I'll be glad to help - it happens to a LOT of men in the swinging scene.