New to sensual writing - would LOVE feedback!

[Zhaf]

I'm absolutely open to criticism! Let me know what needs to be change, and what can be kept. This is an excerpt from the beginning I realize it's short, but hopefully you can find some comments to be made about my writing style. The genre is lesbian/romance. I hope I don't make too many blunders as this is my first time posting in the forum section of the site. Anyways, here it is.

******“…I want it.”
The playful, innocent girl spoke softly as she ran her smooth fingers along Kate’s lips. Her words sent a warm, shocking pulse to her heart – she could feel herself getting only further lost in the moment. Her mind began to cloud.
******“I want it too.”
She cried almost in desperation. Kate found her hands gripping onto Nora’s loose dress with passion, and almost miraculously, they found themselves on the bed, their lips touching softly. At first it began timidly; sparks of nervousness lit in their brightened eyes as their lips recalled, just slightly, then after a short pause - they touched again. Repeated stabs of excitement flowed mutually between them as their wet lips overlapped. In the moment, they found themselves with their shirts being torn off – and then, with only their bras covering their velvety, gentle bodies - they began to kiss again. After a short while, Kate then took back; holding softly onto Nora’s arms, she laid her gaze directly into her eyes.
******“God, you are so beautiful.” She pronounced earnestly. Nora’s eyes looked away.
******“P-please…That’s embarrassing.” Nora’s timid, quiet voice rang into her ears like smooth chocolate. It only made her desire her further. Kate’s hand gently touched the side of her face, tilting it towards her, and inclined her gaze back into her own.
******“I want to see more.”
Nora’s silence took the air for several seconds, her cheeks suddenly blushed - and then, looking up, directly into Kate’s bright blue eyes, her soft lips opened suddenly.
******“Okay.”
Nora’s eyes closed.

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I know the formatting is screwed up, so the asterisks are taking place of the tabs. Don't be too harsh - this is about the writing. Remember this is just an excerpt to get an idea of how to improve my sensual writing. Thanks in advance.

 

[sr71plt]

Underneath the awkward and fuzzy phrasing, there is sensuality. But there would need to be considerable cleanup and more clarity for it to shine forth.

It's not clear who the "she" of the "She cried almost in desperation" is.

"as their lips recalled" what? That phrase isn't going anywhere, so it destroys the buildup of the mood.

"mutually between" is redundant and awkward. Another mood spoiler.

"gentle bodies" is "off" in context.

"pronounced earnestly" is a sensual mood killer as is the image of "laying a gaze."

A "timid, quiet" voice wouldn't "ring." And a voice that rang wouldn't feel like smooth chocolate.

Silence doesn't "take" the air.

And after all of those attempts at artsy images (which don't make it), a simple "Okay" at the surrender decision point kills everything you're trying to construct.

Think you are trying too hard to be artsy--and misfiring on most cylinders. It comes across as jerky, stilted, and missing the mark.

Try describing the actions and emotions more naturally and simply with images you can actually "feel" are honest to the action and allow the sensuality to flow through.

Read what you've written aloud. If it doesn't flow like that "smooth chocolate" you want to evoke, it's too awkward and stilted.

 

[polynices]

I think I'm a shade better disposed to this than sr71plt seems to be - but there are problems nevertheless.

Positives first: Given that it's intended to be romance, I think its breathy lushness isn't out of place. There's considerable intensity here - and, perhaps most importantly, it's coherent. Even though Romance isn't really my thing, I think I'd have read on if you'd given us more of the story - so what you've offered so far certainly isn't a complete failure.

Now the negatives:

1. I think you overdo the adjectives. You double them up too often - e.g:

The playful, innocent girl ... ; ... a warm, shocking pulse ... ; ... their velvety, gentle bodies ...; Nora’s timid, quiet voice ....

That doesn't mean using double adjectives is always wrong. I was quite happy with The playful, innocent girl ... at the beginning, for example; it took me into the scene quickly and efficiently. But doubling them too often devalues the words you use. It's as if you're not quite sure what you need to say, so you try everything available. So, for adjective use in general, less is more. Single, carefully chosen adjectives have more impact than your double-barrelled approach. - And often, of course, bare nouns without any adjectives at all are very effective.

2. I agree with sr71plt on this: Repeated stabs of excitement flowed mutually between them is awkward. It breaks the mood.

3. In the moment, they found themselves with their shirts being torn off ... - For me, this is the clumsiest phrase in the piece. I'm not a member of the 'Never-use-the-passive' brigade - it's certainly justiified sometimes - but here it makes something that should be intensely personal unexpectedly impersonal. And, of course, it lays you open to the facetious question "Who tore their shirts off, then? Was there somebody else there with them?" A simple "They tore each others' shirts off " would be much more powerful.

Overall then, I agree with sr71plt that you should try to write more naturally - more simply, in fact. I agree that reading aloud would probably help and - more generally - I think you need to be self-critical and edit ruthlessly. However, the best way to get reactions to your writing would be to actually post the story and hope for comments. From what you've given us here, I doubt the piece would be rejected. If you post the whole story, you may find you've turned a fair number of people on, and that, in the final analysis, is the most significant criterion for effective writing on this site.

- polynices

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I agree with the advice given. Sensuality requires a more physical description of sensual reaction than your often overuse of adjectives and adverbs. Instead of the flowery description of abstract concepts you would do better to become more sensual and describe the sensory reaction of the two girls much more simply - the taste of each other's lips, Kate's reaction to the fingers (please not smooth, maybe soft) stroking her lips, etc.

To really achieve your aim you need to concentrate on what the two girls are experiencing. put yourself in their position - the smells, the taste, the sights, the sounds, the touch - describe them simply as Nora and Kate are feeling them rather than as a rather flowery narrator.

Kate found her hands gripping onto Nora’s loose dress with passion, and almost miraculously, they found themselves on the bed, their lips touching softly.

Logically, it's Kate's hands that find themselves on the bed as that was the plural last mentioned. It is a problem in writing, even more so in same sex fiction.

sr points out the confusion with:

She cried almost in desperation. Kate found . . .

If you write, "Kate. . .in desperation. She found...", then all is clear. Your personal pronouns relate back to the last reference to 'he', 'she' or 'they'.

My personal take is that lesbian doesn't go down well in Romance. A lesbian sensual romance would sit well in'Lesbian'.

As poly says, not a bad start. Just think what you like to read and adjust accordingly.