New to poetry and literotic

[ladyloves2jam]

Hello everyone
You could say this is my first poem and i'm really not sure if it good or bad so i thought i would just take the chance and post it for some feedback.... please be gentle


The Forbiden Storm

I lay there in sand by the shore, as i feel a breeze blow over me like never before. It was the darkest of night, the winds blew high. I could see my lovers face start to appear before me in the sky. then I swore I heard his voice call to me in the wind, his voice was deep and full of lust that rushed through me like a bolt of lighting. I felt the need to sin. forced by nature my body starts to move, my mouth is soft, wet and with the sweet taste of morning dew. my fingernails trail down my soft pale neck. then handfuls of my breast with dark buds yearning for him to take. my hand glids slowly down lower between my milky thights, then moving like a tornado in the southern sky. I feel the storm approaching, as my body begins to shake. My moans ring loud like a siren during an earthquake, then sweet juices flow from my body like a enormous tidal wave. My passion filled moment without him again leaves me to cry for my love is forbiden, this is the worst feeling of all.

 

[Raven Wilde]

I like your poem, it is a moving piece. the one major critique I do have is the way it is all stanza. It does make it a bit hard to read.

Keep up the great work!

 

[Fairytat]

The Forbiden Storm

I lay there in sand by the shore, as i feel a breeze blow over me like never before. It was the darkest of night, the winds blew high. I could see my lovers face start to appear before me in the sky. then I swore I heard his voice call to me in the wind, his voice was deep and full of lust that rushed through me like a bolt of lighting. I felt the need to sin. forced by nature my body starts to move, my mouth is soft, wet and with the sweet taste of morning dew. my fingernails trail down my soft pale neck. then handfuls of my breast with dark buds yearning for him to take. my hand glids slowly down lower between my milky thights, then moving like a tornado in the southern sky. I feel the storm approaching, as my body begins to shake. My moans ring loud like a siren during an earthquake, then sweet juices flow from my body like a enormous tidal wave. My passion filled moment without him again leaves me to cry for my love is forbiden, this is the worst feeling of all.

Written as it is now, it looks and reads more like a short story then a poem. Perhaps if you break it down into stanzas and edit some of the sentences. Other then that, I really liked this, for you have used imagery to describe your self-love.

Forbidden Storm

I lie here in the sand,
a soft breeze caressing
as never before.

It is the dark heart of night,
when dreams become
reality and I see his face
before me in the sky.

I swear I hear his voice
calling to me with
lust, the same that
strikes me like a
bolt of lightning.

Nature commands my
body to respond, my
mouth wet and soft
with dew.

My fingernails trail down
my soft pale neck to
my breasts with dark
buds yearning for him
to take.

With the softest touch, I
glide lower between
milky thighs, then moving
like a tornado in the
southern sky.

I feel the storm approaching,
as my body begins to shake,
my voice crying out as sweet juices
flow from my body like an enormous
tidal wave.

My passion filled moment
without him again leaves me
to cry for my love is forbidden,
this is the worst feeling of all.

Perhaps this will help.

 

[JUDO]

Good one!

Beat me to it, Fairytat!

- Judo

 

[ladyloves2jam]

mmmm.... good changes i like that. maybe you could help me this one.


My disaster....

I feel so calm and cold
like a corpse my body lies
motionless....

the words i speak
the things i do to him
they are just
meaningless...

My mind spinning in circles
around my thoughts, it's
senseless....

I dont know what to do
when the end of my rope
pulls tight I feel
defensless....

should i leave....
should i stay....

if i leave will they think,
I'm being selfish....

if i stay will they think,
I'm being foolish....

my unwillingness
to try does it leave me
on the edge of disaster....

Is it something i did
or something he didnt do....

shall i stay
and live like maiden
obeying her master....

or shall i leave
and be the master
of my own disaster....

 

[JUDO]

Spelling...

Wow...check the spelling. (I know, how do you look it up, if you can't spell it, but you must get that fixed). If I saw this in the new poems list, i would exit when I saw the first mispelling.

desaster should be disaster
spining should be spinning
defencless should be defenseless

Seems like you need an article before "maiden."

 

[*ladylove*]

RE: My Disaster

Your poem flows nicely. One thing I would change is the over use of ellipses in each stanza. Somewhere around here there was a discussion about the how/when use of ellipses, but I'll be damned if I can remember where that is. Also, maybe the rhyme in your last stanza, I think it pulls away from the rest of the poem. It just doesn't seem to fit. Look forward to seeing more of your pieces

btw, the first part of your nick is an absolutely wonderful pick. hehehehehe

*ladylove*

 

[ladyloves2jam]

HAHAHA! Ladylove, thank you for your reply, yes i must say its a pretty cool name and you wouldnt believe the questions i get with my name...


Again this is really my first attempts of writting and i'm having fun with it. Will i ever be a poet? doubt it, but its fun trying. I thank everyone for any help they can give and there support....

 

[Belilica]

I liked them both! Everything I would have critiqued has already been said though. Hope to see more!

-Bel