New to... everything!

[FaeryFire]

I'm usually pretty talkative, but with this thread, I really don't know where to start.

I'm very interested in the D/s lifestyle, as the subbie, but I've had no experence and don't know a great deal about it aside from the lurking I've done here and a little research, which would be fine if my partner wasn't more clueless than I am, but he is.

So it seems like I'll have to teach him what I want. Ultimately I'd like for him to train me, but having to teach him how to do that seems stupid.
There's also things like safe words. How do I impress upon him the need to stick to them? We're very open talking about these things, but for some reason he doesn't see the need for them, or thinks it's a joke.

When it comes to tools is there a way I can learn how much is too much before I let him play with them?

Is there a way I can increase my pain tollerance?

I know this one is a stupid question, but I'd like to be able to retain some/most of my independance as well. I want to be forced to do what he wants within the home or whatever, I want to be expected to put him first at all times, but I don't want to be asking permission if I want to go out somewhere etc. We have a fairly significant age difference and I like it to be very obvious (both within our relationship and without) that I'm not his daughter and that any control I give him is just that, given not expected.

We are trying to have children as well, and I was wondering if the lifestyle and children can be combined? Most of our play is not in the bedroom, or sexual at all. It's a trust/way to be close type thing.

I think I'll leave it here for now before I confuse myself (and everyone else) even more.
Thanks for your time.
~Fae

 

[serijules]

So it seems like I'll have to teach him what I want. Ultimately I'd like for him to train me, but having to teach him how to do that seems stupid.
There's also things like safe words. How do I impress upon him the need to stick to them? We're very open talking about these things, but for some reason he doesn't see the need for them, or thinks it's a joke.

Actually, if you change your perspective a bit, "teaching" him can be seen as submissive service. For example, a very close slave friend of mine was quite a bit more experienced in some areas than her Master, one such area being the use of a cane. She introcduced him to and taught him the proper use of the cane because it was something he wanted to learn and she wanted to benefit from. He's now well known for his skills with the cane, and she is usually his demo bottom. Both benefitted from her teaching, and she doesn't have a dominant bone in her body. It's not necessarily what you do, but the perspective in which you do it. Since you have little to no experience yourself, perhaps suggest to him that he inform you of the areas he wants to learn most about, and you be required to do the research and present it to him.

As for safewords. They are important, especially for two people that are new to the scene. If he is not ready or willing to respect this, I would personally refuse to explore further until he had a better understanding and respect for safety. Maybe if he realizes how serious YOU are about the matter, his own views will change.

When it comes to tools is there a way I can learn how much is too much before I let him play with them?

This is a toughie. Reading other people's experiences can give you limited insight, but every person is different in how they react to or feel an implement. Much depends on skill and knowledge as well.

The *only* way, IMO, to learn these things other than to watch and be taught by someone more experienced than you both is to communicate. Start out having sessions where the D/s is not present and focused, and the purpose of the "scene" is only to play with and get a feel for different implements and how you react to them. Perhaps create a scale system where he trys something on you and you tell him where it falls on the pain scale or you both just simply discuss your thoughts and feelings on it.

Certain implements require a lot more skill than just trial and error will allow though...whips, canes, bondage, cutting...just to name a random few. Do your research first and go from there.

Is there a way I can increase my pain tollerance?

Again, it's a personal thing. There isn't a magic pill to take if that's what you are asking My pain tolerance increased as my experience and confidence in the scene increased. With certain people that I am more emotionally invested in, my pain tolerance decreases at certain times (punishments) and increases dramatically at others (serving, being told to take it for her because it pleases her).

I know this one is a stupid question, but I'd like to be able to retain some/most of my independance as well. I want to be forced to do what he wants within the home or whatever, I want to be expected to put him first at all times, but I don't want to be asking permission if I want to go out somewhere etc. We have a fairly significant age difference and I like it to be very obvious (both within our relationship and without) that I'm not his daughter and that any control I give him is just that, given not expected.

There is no need for you to jump into a full scale D/s exchange right off the bat. Wanting and needing to retain your independance and go about your normal life activities as usual does not make you any less submissive. Create a D/s exchange that works for both of you and meets both your needs slowly, making adjustments as you go. Sit down and discuss both of your desires and find ways that work for both of you. If he would like you to address him a certain way when in private and that works for you as well, make it a rule and discuss consequences and expectations. If he wants you to ask permission for certain things and you feel that is stepping on your independance and will create resentment on your part, it needs to be discussed in advance and groundwork laid out. In more experienced partners, this may not apply but being you are both so new, I think it's important. If you discuss WHY you feel that way and he explains why he feels the way he does, you will both learn about how the other things in a D/s way and learn to communicate to set up an effective D/s expectation.

We are trying to have children as well, and I was wondering if the lifestyle and children can be combined? Most of our play is not in the bedroom, or sexual at all. It's a trust/way to be close type thing.

I don't have children, but my partner does as do many of my friends. They seem to be able to practice their D/s just fine, with the obvious adjustments to not expose their children to the lifestyle. It makes things more difficult for sure, but if numbers are any indication, it's definately do-able.

Welcome to the board, is nice to see you here. good luck

 

[FurryFury]

Welcome!

There are tons of good info on this site and plenty of people kind enough to share experiences or help.

You don't have to rush into anything but you can enjoy reading and sharing here.

Fury

 

[raven2]

As Fury said, welcome. Hope you have a good time and find what you are seeking.

 

[chun_gong]

Thanks for your post Faery Fire. I find myself wondering similar things - I'm relatively new to the experiences myself. I had concerns about my independence. Everyone was really helpful in their responses.

Wow! serijules, great response. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. Much of what you said made me think.

I am fortunate to be learning this from someone who is experienced, but it's a new experience for every person. That's pretty important to realize at the beginning - every person is different. I questioned my 'abilities' in relation to others...and as everyone pointed out, it's not like "keeping up with the Jones's". I just have to go at my own pace and enjoy the ride.

 

[serijules]

Thanks for your post Faery Fire. I find myself wondering similar things - I'm relatively new to the experiences myself. I had concerns about my independence. Everyone was really helpful in their responses.

Wow! serijules, great response. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. Much of what you said made me think.

I am fortunate to be learning this from someone who is experienced, but it's a new experience for every person. That's pretty important to realize at the beginning - every person is different. I questioned my 'abilities' in relation to others...and as everyone pointed out, it's not like "keeping up with the Jones's". I just have to go at my own pace and enjoy the ride.

Thanks chun_gong, glad it was helpful/interesting.

BTW, love your sig line quote from WD....that's exactly what I call myself, a cock loving lesbian LOL

 

[FaeryFire]

Thanks for all the welcomes I've been lurking for a while and thought I may as well dive right in, so to speak.

serijules, thanks for that. You've given me a lot to think about.

I'm still a little worried about that whole 'blind leading the blind' thing, but at least there's some where to start now.

 

[Proudsubinatl]

Thanks

 

[ocontrol4u]

Thanks for all the welcomes I've been lurking for a while and thought I may as well dive right in, so to speak.

serijules, thanks for that. You've given me a lot to think about.

I'm still a little worried about that whole 'blind leading the blind' thing, but at least there's some where to start now.

Don't worry about the 'blind leading the blind' thang. Remember that among some of us old fossils we learnt well before the internet and without access to the few rare books that were available. It was a thrill to have our secret from the world and practice something that we weren't even sure if others were involved in. Of course, without and guidance available from any source, we took things very slowly and learnt together. The importance of communication can not be overestimated.

And just because you have all this info available at excellent sites like this,does not mean you should take it any quicker. Sure, I understand desires that want to experience all now. I understand your wanting to increase your pain tolerance, but think about it, does it really matter how much pain you can handle? Surely what is important is that he is able to find and recognise when you are on the edge of your pain threshhold, so that it pushes you, but doesn't do any damage, physically or emotionally.

I'll give a mundane example. My kink is Orgasm control, tease and denial. Now for some subbies, being teased for 2 hours is torture, others can handle teasing and no cumming for a couple of days, and still others a couple of weeks, some can handle months. All are different and to me a subbie doesn't disappoint me if 2 hours is her limit, all I need to know is I found her limit and know when I can push it a bit further, but also know that on some days even 2 hours will be too much. Its not a matter of "well yesterday you handled 2 hours, today we go for 3!". Today even one hour might turn the pleasure of the struggle into frustration and an emotionally disturbing event.

You aren't measured as a subbie by how much pain (or whatever) that you can take. Wanting to have your limits safely pushed so that its a struggle, but still achieveable is what makes me happy. The Dom that you are training needs to learn how to 'read' you so that safewords are very rarely used, but are fully honoured when they are.

And btw, on that matter of the sub training the Dom, don't let that worry you in the slightest. Even after years of experience or practice (call it what you will), I expect a new subbie to be able to 'train' me to her needs. I am not a mind reader and there is no amount of experience I can have that will allow me to just know what she needs. A subbie that doesn't communicate with me and suffers more than she should because she thinks I should know it all is a danger to herself.

Brosco

 

[His_pita]

Welcome to the forum FaeryFire. My Dom and I are very new to actually living the lifestyle and we are having a wonderful time learning together what works for us. I would suggest you both read and learn everything you can. There is great info here and other places on the net. One of my favorite sites is http://www.submissiveloving.com

Have fun, be safe and use your safeword even if it's a slap up side his head until he gets it.

 

[FaeryFire]

Thankyou to everyone who replied

I'm not interested in rushing things I just want to know a lot all at once. I'm not silly enough to just dive in and try it all straght away. What would be the fun in that?

Brosco, the examples you've provided are great. I thought I might mention something though. I'm not worried about being less of a subbie because of my pain tollerance, I ask because I tend to get angry very easily when that pain boundray is over steped, even though intelectually I know I'm not actually being perminantly hurt. I guess what I'm asking is, are there techiniques I can use/hold onto mentally to last a little longer so that i don't have an agro outburst and spoil the whole thing?

His_pita, that link is great. Very helpful. It explanes things much better than I could, so I've got him reading it. I'm not sure a slap in the head is a word, but it sounds like a good plan