New to BDSM

[GambitandRogue]

Hello ....

I guess you could say I'm a new Dom, by no means a Master. My wife is a natural sub, but very free spirited. Something I'll always love about her.

We've hit hundreds of threads and web sites and are taking in lots of info.

After all that, I still don't know what to do. rogue has so much more of a lead on this than me. A big part of me wants her to take control and be a Domme, but she really doesn't like that.

We've taken this one day at a time, talking to each other, figuring out who likes what. rogue says I've got lots of Dom tendencies that I had no idea turned her on. I think they're surpressed

It's hard though for me, 'cause it's not something I'm use to. I like being a Dom, but throughout my life, I've always been timid, yielding to avoid friction and basicly remain introverted.

A bit of background:

My 1st wife was very dominating and manipulative; controlling everything. She said she wanted me to take control, but "beat" me down when she didn't like my decisions. I basicly still had to ask her. In effect, she remained in control.

Anyway, to make a long story short: while she moved out expecting me to beg her to come back and woo her once again, I divorced her and moved on. Later she had told me she still had very much loved me and wanted me to "fight" to get her back.

She really got a shock of her life. My Ex is almost 30 now. rogue, my new wife is 23. When we got married .... rogue was 19, my x was 27.

I REALLY want to be her Master.

How do I break out of this feeling of "not good enough"?

This is all so new to me, and until Lit, I thought all BDSM was like in the movies. Now I know better now.

How can I asert myself and break out of my shell?

We've pretty much covered our boundries of what to do and not to do.

I hope I haven't put yall to sleep, but I guess that's about it.

GAMBIT

 

[James Blandings]

my advise would be to take it one step at a time and build your confidence. Start small, don't try to use your dominant position to make major changes or make anything big happen. Do you have separate email addresses? Email her commands to do particular chores for you- and make them something personal and kink related,not washing the dishes or vacuuming, but shining your boots or cleaning your toys. You might want to leave notes in that regard too. This will allow you to start taking charge despite your shyness.After a while the new dynamic will begin to feel more natural to you.
Use the symbols of the DS relationship- leave her a note, for example, telling her that when you get home from work she should be naked, in collar and cuffs. When you get home, treat that like it is the most normal thing in the world.
Establish small routines, like having her make sure you have a drink ready when you arrive home, or lay out your clothes each morning or give you a shoulder rub every day. The point is, find those little everyday things that cause you to gain comfort in your role in the relationship. Above all, take your time. If this is what you really want, then dont rush it. Remember that a BDSM relationship like any other has to keep growing in order to be healthy. So dont think about how far you have to go to meet some ideal, but enjoy growing each day.
Good luck to you and your lady.

 

[cymbidia]

Hello ....

Hello Gambit. We've met Rouge and it's good to meet you, too. I think it a wonderful journey that you're embarking on together and wish you joy in this new search.

We've hit hundreds of threads and web sites and are taking in lots of info.

Info searches are good but one gets to a point where there's just... too... much... data!!!!!!!

At that time, it's often good to call a temporary halt to the data digging and spend a few days (or whatever you both need) talking about what you've read, the specifics and principles, the how-to's and the esoteric philosophical gains, the good, the bad, and the ugly in what you're learning about this whole big muddled wonderful piece of human sexuality.

There's a LOT to this.
Much of it won't be of interest to you.
Some of it will.
Some will become vitally important to you.

You gotta have the processing time together to continue to grow in this together.

After all that, I still don't know what to do.

Oh Gambit... repeat after me:
No one knows what to do.
Not all the time.
Sometimes not even some of the time.
Whatever feels right for us is, by definition, the right thing to do.

Did you say that out loud?
Yeh?
Okay... now say it again...
And again.

It's true for every single one of us, Gambit, and years and years and years and years of doing this doesn't make much difference, either.

rogue has so much more of a lead on this than me. A big part of me wants her to take control and be a Domme, but she really doesn't like that.

You sound like you're afraid of disappointing her.
Is she afraid you'll disappoint her?
What's she afraid of in this?
What else are you afraid of?
What thrills her.. do you know of one thing in this that thrills her?
Does she know that about you?

BDSM IS ALL ABOUT COMMUNICATION.

Without communication flowing as hotly as blood and need and white-hot arousal between those involved, this is just a fancy kinda kinky fuck. (No! There's nothing wrong with a little kinky fucking! I'm not saying that. But real BDSM relationships are more, much more, and we all know that.. and we want one, too - be honest.)

You gotta talk to each other all the time about everything in this. You just do. You ESPECIALLY have to talk to each other about your fears cuz your unvoiced fears can fuck you over in a big way in the middle of an otherwise wonderful relationship. You voice your fears... your partner listens and responds... trust grows, incrementally...

Over time, that trust will be so solid and real that nothing on earth will be able to dent it - but it begins *now*, at the beginning, with you honesty to her and hers to you.

We've taken this one day at a time, talking to each other, figuring out who likes what. rogue says I've got lots of Dom tendencies that I had no idea turned her on. I think they're suppressed

It's hard though for me, 'cause it's not something I'm use to. I like being a Dom, but throughout my life, I've always been timid, yielding to avoid friction and basically remain introverted.

<snip>

I REALLY want to be her Master.

How do I break out of this feeling of "not good enough"?

Seems like you've got at least two issues here, Gambit.

1. You WANT to Dom Rouge, intellectually, but don't know how.
2. You're emotionally conflicted about whether you really honestly have what it takes to Dom someone.

You need to really sit down and do an assessment of where your head is in this.

Maybe you're a Switch, Gambit. Maybe you need the sweet release one can get from both sides. Maybe Domming forever and ever will leave a hole in your soul forever crying to be touched.

Maybe not.

Maybe you're a sub, too.

Maybe you're a Dom who’s having trouble breaking free of the societal strictures against "hurting" the one we love and hitting girls and being too bossy to our mate. Maybe your first wife injured you in a way that will take some time to heal *before* you can walk tall and straight and turn your attentions to being the Dominant you really want to be.

Maybe i don't know enough to be daring such guesses.

All i really know is what it's like for me. For me, the need to submit comes from inside my DNA. It seeps into my brain, into my heart, into my liver and bile ducts and across the surface of my skin and into the interstitial spaces between every cell in my body until i'm crying in my sleep with the need to submit to someone who knows how to pull from me what i so desperately must give.

I don't think anyone can learn that.
It's a part of a person or it is not.

This is all so new to me, and until Lit, I thought all BDSM was like in the movies. Now I know better now.

Movie BDSM is such bullshit. Give it a year: you'll be laughing at it then - along with all the rest of us.

How can I asert myself and break out of my shell?

James gave you some good stuff to start with. Here are a few more small possible beginning points:

1. James touched on routine, something important for those in the beginning of this because it helps establish headspace. Begin to establish small but important routines all over your lives. when she greets you, for example, in private or in public, have her do *something* to indicate her status and yours. It need not be overt (for public) but could be as meaningful and still-nilla as her lips pressing a kiss into your hand at every initial hello in public.

2. Specific "role" words. In the beginning, you won’t be able or even want to be Master and slave 24/7. You'll need LOTS of time to cuddle up and talk about how THAT went or what you read about and want to try or what's a little disappointing or something you didn't especially like. You'll need some kinda statement you can make to her to let her know that you wish to assume your role as Dom and, so, she should assume her sub persona as well. Perhaps a special phrase along the lines of And now it's time to play or something you can utter with serious intent in your voice, something with some majesty and/or command in it - and (oh so importantly!) something you won't be saying accidentally.

3. Just do it.

If you feel like seeing what her head look like pulled back hard with your fist tangled in her hair... while she's reaching to lick that ice cream cone - just do it!

It's your right.

She wants it.
She needs it.
She craves your controlling her in small ways without asking, commenting, discussing it beforehand.

Tell her to strip and stand in the corner - and watch how she reacts.

Have her lie on the floor at your feet and massage them while you watch the news.

Roll her over in bed in the middle of the night and fuck her without warning, just cuz you need it.

Just do it, Gambit.
Whatever it is, whatever you want - feel that power, that control - and use it.



(I hope this hasn't been a confused mishmash of essentially useless *stuff*. I think i have a migraine coming on.)

 

[GambitandRogue]

Cym, i was hoping that you would be on of the ones who would respond. You posts are always so well thought out and thoroughly informative. Don't get me wrong, we totally appreciate ALL feedback, and need as much as we can get.

Info searches are good but one gets to a point where there's just... too... much... data!!!!!!!

Amen to this! This is exactly what we have been doing. *grin* Are you spying on us? Can you see into our house. lol

One of out biggest problems seems to be conflicting information from site to site. But it has been fun picking through and selecting the parts we like. It just feels so naughty and good to pick out what you like and trash the rest LOL.

We are working on the whole communication thing. It is hard at times since His mother ingrained in Him from a very young age to keep His mouth shut and to "keep the peace". *Sigh*

We have been participating in "a fancy kinda kinky fuck" (LOL) for quite some time, so the whole bondage, and S&M isn't all that new to us, but the D/s roles are. The whole kinky fuck thing isn't really fulfilling anymore ya know? ESPECIALLY since we have discoverd D/s (thanx to all of yall here and this forum).

Maybe you're a Dom who’s having trouble breaking free of the societal strictures against "hurting" the one we love and hitting girls and being too bossy to our mate.

You are truely a wise woman. It was scary how you hit the nail on the head. We were discussing this as we were reading the replies last night.

For me, the need to submit comes from inside my DNA. It seeps into my brain, into my heart, into my liver and bile ducts and across the surface of my skin and into the interstitial spaces between every cell in my body until i'm crying in my sleep with the need to submit to someone who knows how to pull from me what i so desperately must give.

i guess i feel so drawn to you because of how you describe your feelings about being submissive. It is as if you have ripped these words directly from my very own soul.

Movie BDSM is such bullshit. Give it a year: you'll be laughing at it then - along with all the rest of us.

LOL, actually we already are

Also we greatly enjoyed your suggestions! That is something else of what we were looking for, some way to helpincorporate this into our lives. Since I am 7 mos pregnant and have an 18 month old to deal with, we are somewhat restricted on what we can do at the moment LOL. Can't be answering the door naked with an 18 month old running around LOL.

Rogue

 

[GambitandRogue]

BTW, i hope you are feeling better.

Rogue

 

[Satin]

OMG This is soo errie...hehe

Gambit....You and my fience really need to talk. This is scarey on how much the 2 of you sound alike...

I myself am a subbmissive, or at least I would like to be....in my soul I am but I am trying to find someone to train me in the best ways of becomming one.

My fience much like you has alot of natural tendencies that will in turn make him a womderful Dom but much like you again, does'nt know how to apply it.

Granted any advice from anyone would be helpful....But just so you know Gambit your not alone nor are you the only one that feels this way.

My opinion is its a confidence thing as you have all said....my fience has the same problem....although in the last year I would like to think I have helped that alot. Smiles.

I have introduced him to new things that he truely likes doing that I truely enjoy that he was never givin the chance to do before, like tieing someone up.... .....We have had alot of fun and we are still learning....

Maybe advice from people that have lived in the BDSM field would be able to help us as well. I have asked other Dom's for help and no one was willing to give there knowledge....

Just remember one thing that I find to be one of the most truest things in the D's is the willingness to give as much as you take from your partner whether you are the Dom or the submissive.

satin