new to all of this...
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Stella_Omega
No Gentleman
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Teach him to "top" you, and wait and see if the domination comes along.
The difference between bottoming and submitting is that you can explain to him exactly what you want. I know it doesn't seem right-- we all wish out lovers could read our minds magically like they do in the romance novels-- but the real thing about BDSM and kink is communication. it's not just missionary humping anymore. We have to, and we get to, take responsibility for our fun. Eventually, he might get confident and take the reins into his own hands.
this book might help
How To Be Kinky
And this one: When Someone You love Is Kinky
and the "new topping" and "new bottoming" books, by Dossie Easton.
Also, if you have become the kind of person for whom sexuality is important-- and he can not be that kind of person--you might end up leaving. Really. We here in America find it hard to believe that sex should be taken seriously, but for some of us it is.
The difference between bottoming and submitting is that you can explain to him exactly what you want. I know it doesn't seem right-- we all wish out lovers could read our minds magically like they do in the romance novels-- but the real thing about BDSM and kink is communication. it's not just missionary humping anymore. We have to, and we get to, take responsibility for our fun. Eventually, he might get confident and take the reins into his own hands.
this book might help
How To Be Kinky
And this one: When Someone You love Is Kinky
and the "new topping" and "new bottoming" books, by Dossie Easton.
Also, if you have become the kind of person for whom sexuality is important-- and he can not be that kind of person--you might end up leaving. Really. We here in America find it hard to believe that sex should be taken seriously, but for some of us it is.
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MasterandSir
Really Experienced
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You should also make sure to have open and frank conversations about your wants and needs and ask him about his wants and needs. If he is willing to go to counseling I'd wager he'd be willing to learn about kink. Teaching him to top would be a great start and do your best to make it fun and exciting for him, I've found vanilla people when first introduced to kink, are hesitant even if they think it is awesome because it is so far outside of their comfort zone.
ecstaticsub
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Other then sex is your marriage happy and satisfying? Is your husband your best friend and confident?
If so then the sex part can be worked on.
My husband is like me. We both have very demanding jobs and when we get home and into bed we may be horny but we want the other to be more dominant. Seven years ago he allowed me to accept the collar of another man and I have been owned by this other man ever since. This was/is my first (and only) D/s relationship.
Interestingly my D/s relationship has done wonders for my sex life with my husband. Neither of us dominant the other, but as Stella mentioned we do top each other occasionally. My husband and I experiment more with role-play. We truly listen to what turns the other person on. We take turns, we compromise. We are having lots of sex, and even better lots of mutually enjoyable sex.
I probably top a little more then what I would like but I see it as a form of serve. In return I just bought a flogger and he is looking forward to learning about how safely to use it on me.
I am not recommending you go outside your marriage. I am saying don't give up hope on kinky sex within your marriage. Change takes time, compromise and trial and error. One of the things I learned was to be open to all his kinks, even the ones that made me cringe. Over time he became comfortable with mine, and I become comfortable with his to the point that cringing has turned into a wicked evil grin of anticipation.
After over 25 years of marriage we still adore each other and lust after each other.
good luck to you!
If so then the sex part can be worked on.
My husband is like me. We both have very demanding jobs and when we get home and into bed we may be horny but we want the other to be more dominant. Seven years ago he allowed me to accept the collar of another man and I have been owned by this other man ever since. This was/is my first (and only) D/s relationship.
Interestingly my D/s relationship has done wonders for my sex life with my husband. Neither of us dominant the other, but as Stella mentioned we do top each other occasionally. My husband and I experiment more with role-play. We truly listen to what turns the other person on. We take turns, we compromise. We are having lots of sex, and even better lots of mutually enjoyable sex.
I probably top a little more then what I would like but I see it as a form of serve. In return I just bought a flogger and he is looking forward to learning about how safely to use it on me.
I am not recommending you go outside your marriage. I am saying don't give up hope on kinky sex within your marriage. Change takes time, compromise and trial and error. One of the things I learned was to be open to all his kinks, even the ones that made me cringe. Over time he became comfortable with mine, and I become comfortable with his to the point that cringing has turned into a wicked evil grin of anticipation.
After over 25 years of marriage we still adore each other and lust after each other.
good luck to you!
Primalex
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Guys always want to do other girls, but still they don't, because they live in a monogamous relationship. So they make the choice to suppress this desire and stay in the relationship or not suppress it and either cheat or leave. But - having this desire is no justification for cheating.
My opinion:
Stick with the counselling and the monogamous relationship you BOTH agreed to when you started and see if you two can turn the relationship into something that will work for you two for now.
If you can't turn the relationship into something that will work for you in a reasonable time, then drop out.
Nightierub
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I've been involved in a few of the local bdsm groups and going behind your husband's back could be disastrous. An acquaintence of mine got divorced from a vanills man, but before the breakup tried to get him into domming her but he thought she was "sick" after their breakup he used her interests against her and not only took custody of their children, he also used it to insure she only had monitored visitation for several years, at least until the kids were teens. So be careful out there!
slut_kitten
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That is really scary...my husband would never do that to me, but thanks for the advice...
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BarGuy
Deep Inside BLG
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AJ -- I can appreciate what you are going through. I'm not sure if it's the kids, or the fact you are late 30's, but there is something about the increased sex drive with your circumstances. I have a few friends of mine that are both 38, married with kids, and they are as sex-crazed as teenage boys. We should all be so lucky
One word of caution, if I may. You definitely need to be VERY open and VERY concise with your communications with your husband, whether that is done one on one or in front of a counselor. My marriage is the inverse of yours -- I'm the one with the large sexual appetite, and there's no way my wife could possibly imitate/pretend that she has the sex drive I do. I've accepted that, and try to deal with it accordingly. Some people are never going to be "kinky", at least not in the way you'd like.
You are enjoying the new things you're trying, and you've got an appetite for more. This may be a VERY tough situation to deal with with your husband not enjoying the same things you do. I definitely wish you the best, because to those of us that enjoy sex, it's a MAJOR part of a marriage!
One word of caution, if I may. You definitely need to be VERY open and VERY concise with your communications with your husband, whether that is done one on one or in front of a counselor. My marriage is the inverse of yours -- I'm the one with the large sexual appetite, and there's no way my wife could possibly imitate/pretend that she has the sex drive I do. I've accepted that, and try to deal with it accordingly. Some people are never going to be "kinky", at least not in the way you'd like.
You are enjoying the new things you're trying, and you've got an appetite for more. This may be a VERY tough situation to deal with with your husband not enjoying the same things you do. I definitely wish you the best, because to those of us that enjoy sex, it's a MAJOR part of a marriage!
latendresse
Really Really Experienced
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another perspective
I don't think it is possible for someone who doesn't know the two of you to give real advice. But then again, you may perhaps prefer an outsider's, detached, viewpoint?
I realise how important the children are. Without them I'd have little hesitation in saying all the signs are there indicating that you need to move on.
Showing your partner you don't accept how things are (eg by leaving!) can make that person realise, though it is a shock, that you will not be taken for granted. Whether people are married or not, you don't agree to marry to be a victim to a passionless union. I guess nothing can be taken too far. I am just saying within reason people do not agree to shackle one another to become miserable.
With the children involved it becomes more difficult.
I think the essence of a real (as against forced, imagined, or reluctant) relationship is communication, and the essence of that is honesty.
You've been honest in saying what you want. If he cannot respond, then I do not think you can be judged for experimenting on your own.
I think if he did become kinky you would definitely be attracted to him.
But then he would have become a different person too.
I'm writing a lot here because it reminds me of me. I'm a male, and have often in the past hidden from my partners some of my desires and needs. I have recently opened up more to my girlfriend and we are clicking into one another all of a sudden as we did more than a year ago when we first met. The last two months had become very stale. I think the improvement only became possible after a bad night a few weeks ago when I admitted to her, 'I'm sorry, you are not attracting me like you used to, I am becoming bored, and I do not know why' ... This is hurtful but it was also the truth, and if I had kept on for another week (this was after a month or more of feeling a little bored), I think it would have led us to damage each other with arguments and anger without ever reaching the real cause.
Since then, we've been doing all sorts of things (I mean sexually), and not because I've forced them, but because by being honest I triggered us both saying some things we needed to say.
I have a fantasy of wife sharing, as you say on here (I prefer candaulism), but this is based in my much larger fantasy of exhibitionism. I like bdsm, I love it, and I occasionally whip, blindfold, handcuff, and/or flog my girl, and she likes this too. Occasionally she switches, and I like this too. I have admitted to her I watch porn sometimes, and have shown her this. So we don't have secrets from each other and she'll let me fuck her wildly and even indulge in a fantasy while I am doing this of another man or woman sucking her breasts, whipping her, or a man coming all over her breasts. In the past I felt she was being a little mean and judgmental with her comments, and it caused me to clam up, but she is becoming more gracious now ...
All of this makes me very happy, and she is happy, she gets very wet ... But before I opened up to her all my dark fantasies, I was very very scared of her reaction and did not open up to her completely. I now think that she was actually scared of how I would react if she didn't pretend to be prim and proper. She now realises I really mean it when I say kinky things!
So without giving advice which is baseless, the only real prescription I can offer you is honesty, even if at first it is bad tasting medicine. Without it, you have no relationship anyway!
Please feel welcome to write to me more about your experiences. We are new to the bdsm scene and I for one would like to correspond and share experiences with others ... Your photos are superb btw.
I can't understand why you're man won't blindfold you and whip you a bit. Maybe you need to do it to him to teach him it's harmless and what fun he is missing?
But don't wreck your life over it. 10 years is a long time for no passion.
I don't think it is possible for someone who doesn't know the two of you to give real advice. But then again, you may perhaps prefer an outsider's, detached, viewpoint?
I realise how important the children are. Without them I'd have little hesitation in saying all the signs are there indicating that you need to move on.
Showing your partner you don't accept how things are (eg by leaving!) can make that person realise, though it is a shock, that you will not be taken for granted. Whether people are married or not, you don't agree to marry to be a victim to a passionless union. I guess nothing can be taken too far. I am just saying within reason people do not agree to shackle one another to become miserable.
With the children involved it becomes more difficult.
I think the essence of a real (as against forced, imagined, or reluctant) relationship is communication, and the essence of that is honesty.
You've been honest in saying what you want. If he cannot respond, then I do not think you can be judged for experimenting on your own.
I think if he did become kinky you would definitely be attracted to him.
But then he would have become a different person too.
I'm writing a lot here because it reminds me of me. I'm a male, and have often in the past hidden from my partners some of my desires and needs. I have recently opened up more to my girlfriend and we are clicking into one another all of a sudden as we did more than a year ago when we first met. The last two months had become very stale. I think the improvement only became possible after a bad night a few weeks ago when I admitted to her, 'I'm sorry, you are not attracting me like you used to, I am becoming bored, and I do not know why' ... This is hurtful but it was also the truth, and if I had kept on for another week (this was after a month or more of feeling a little bored), I think it would have led us to damage each other with arguments and anger without ever reaching the real cause.
Since then, we've been doing all sorts of things (I mean sexually), and not because I've forced them, but because by being honest I triggered us both saying some things we needed to say.
I have a fantasy of wife sharing, as you say on here (I prefer candaulism), but this is based in my much larger fantasy of exhibitionism. I like bdsm, I love it, and I occasionally whip, blindfold, handcuff, and/or flog my girl, and she likes this too. Occasionally she switches, and I like this too. I have admitted to her I watch porn sometimes, and have shown her this. So we don't have secrets from each other and she'll let me fuck her wildly and even indulge in a fantasy while I am doing this of another man or woman sucking her breasts, whipping her, or a man coming all over her breasts. In the past I felt she was being a little mean and judgmental with her comments, and it caused me to clam up, but she is becoming more gracious now ...
All of this makes me very happy, and she is happy, she gets very wet ... But before I opened up to her all my dark fantasies, I was very very scared of her reaction and did not open up to her completely. I now think that she was actually scared of how I would react if she didn't pretend to be prim and proper. She now realises I really mean it when I say kinky things!
So without giving advice which is baseless, the only real prescription I can offer you is honesty, even if at first it is bad tasting medicine. Without it, you have no relationship anyway!
Please feel welcome to write to me more about your experiences. We are new to the bdsm scene and I for one would like to correspond and share experiences with others ... Your photos are superb btw.
I can't understand why you're man won't blindfold you and whip you a bit. Maybe you need to do it to him to teach him it's harmless and what fun he is missing?
But don't wreck your life over it. 10 years is a long time for no passion.
Obviously none of us know your heart or your husband's, but I agree with what people are saying, that you prob should, given your circumstances, try and make it work within the marriage. I more then understand your feelings, I have been there for different reasons in my own relationship, so I would never judge the feelings or even why someone might look outside their marriage having done some exploring myself (mostly cyber, but even so). It might seem like a nice compromise, to get what you need outside but still maintain the family, but from what I have experienced and seen it is going eventually to backfire, it creates emotional distance and especially since your husband knows you already have some experience outside, he eventually is going to notice.
The fact that your husband is willing to do counseling is positive. One recommendation I have given others on here and elsewhere is to try and find a counselor who is experienced with issues of sexuality, a lot of marriage counselors/therapists are well meaning but quite frankly when it comes to sex are clueless.Especially someone who has experience with things like D/s might be a help (I don't know if it would help or not, Gloria Brame is a lifestyle person who is a professional therapist, I met her years ago, neat lady; she is Georgia, I think she will work over the phone which I don't know how well that would work, her website is www.gloriabrame.com. If anything, might be able to get a referral or something. Not pushing that, just a suggestion)
It sounds like your husband at least is willing to work on things, and that is a good sign. There are a lot of people into BD/SM from personal experience who before they were introduced to it never would think they would be into 'those things', it isn't uncommon, so maybe he could find a common interest in it.
Or ultimately maybe he would be willing to have you go outside for an M/s relationship as others do when a spouse isn't into it if he could feel secure about you doing it, where there isn't the threat you would emotionally get involved with the outside M and want to leave him for the M, which has to be one of the biggest fears with people with open relationships or doing threesomes or whatever (men IME seem more likely to worry about this then women when sharing is open, maybe because people believe that men are capable of having sex without emotional entanglement whereas the perception of women is they put themselves out there emotionally in sex [whether that is true or not, I don't know]). A counselor could help with that if it comes to that, about negotiating the bounds and such...
It is going to take hard work and talk to get anywhere with this situation but IME it is the only way you are going to resolve it. If ultimately you find out that your husband can't give you what you need, then it would be better IMO to amicably dissolve your marriage rather then going outside on the QT, when that happens it generally is a lot uglier. What concerns me to be honest if your husband is probably a nice guy, but if he got angry enough if he found out your were going outside on the sly it could cause him to try and use your interest in BD/SM against you (hopefully not, but I think it is more likely he would try that if pissed off at you going outside then if it was an amicable separation). Unfortunately though it has gotten a lot better, thanks to advocacy groups and outreach to courts and such, there are still a lot of people out there biased against BD/SM and it could be used against people into it, and I think you should keep that in mind in your decision, that it may be a lot worse if it is bd/sm rather then just plain 'cheating' when things come to a head.
I wish you all the luck in the world, I empathize with your situation, been there with a lot of things, I hope it works out for you and your hubby.
The fact that your husband is willing to do counseling is positive. One recommendation I have given others on here and elsewhere is to try and find a counselor who is experienced with issues of sexuality, a lot of marriage counselors/therapists are well meaning but quite frankly when it comes to sex are clueless.Especially someone who has experience with things like D/s might be a help (I don't know if it would help or not, Gloria Brame is a lifestyle person who is a professional therapist, I met her years ago, neat lady; she is Georgia, I think she will work over the phone which I don't know how well that would work, her website is www.gloriabrame.com. If anything, might be able to get a referral or something. Not pushing that, just a suggestion)
It sounds like your husband at least is willing to work on things, and that is a good sign. There are a lot of people into BD/SM from personal experience who before they were introduced to it never would think they would be into 'those things', it isn't uncommon, so maybe he could find a common interest in it.
Or ultimately maybe he would be willing to have you go outside for an M/s relationship as others do when a spouse isn't into it if he could feel secure about you doing it, where there isn't the threat you would emotionally get involved with the outside M and want to leave him for the M, which has to be one of the biggest fears with people with open relationships or doing threesomes or whatever (men IME seem more likely to worry about this then women when sharing is open, maybe because people believe that men are capable of having sex without emotional entanglement whereas the perception of women is they put themselves out there emotionally in sex [whether that is true or not, I don't know]). A counselor could help with that if it comes to that, about negotiating the bounds and such...
It is going to take hard work and talk to get anywhere with this situation but IME it is the only way you are going to resolve it. If ultimately you find out that your husband can't give you what you need, then it would be better IMO to amicably dissolve your marriage rather then going outside on the QT, when that happens it generally is a lot uglier. What concerns me to be honest if your husband is probably a nice guy, but if he got angry enough if he found out your were going outside on the sly it could cause him to try and use your interest in BD/SM against you (hopefully not, but I think it is more likely he would try that if pissed off at you going outside then if it was an amicable separation). Unfortunately though it has gotten a lot better, thanks to advocacy groups and outreach to courts and such, there are still a lot of people out there biased against BD/SM and it could be used against people into it, and I think you should keep that in mind in your decision, that it may be a lot worse if it is bd/sm rather then just plain 'cheating' when things come to a head.
I wish you all the luck in the world, I empathize with your situation, been there with a lot of things, I hope it works out for you and your hubby.
subwannabe
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1. Your marriage will eventually end if you can't be monogomos.
2. you need to evaluate your marriage outside of sex. Is it fulfilling? Are you happy? How will you feel if it ends?
3. are you actually talking frankly about your sexual needs in counseling? You are wasting your time doing counseling if you aren't.
4. You may eventually have to make a decision about what is most important in your life. Are your sexual desires so important that it is worth a divorce? You may want to consider the possibility that you are going through a short term phase and that it is possible that after your divorce and sowing your seeds for a while you will feel regret and realize you fucked up your life.
5. I think you have two main options: hope that your current husband can meet you somewhere in the middle and not cheat on him or get divorced and find someone else.
2. you need to evaluate your marriage outside of sex. Is it fulfilling? Are you happy? How will you feel if it ends?
3. are you actually talking frankly about your sexual needs in counseling? You are wasting your time doing counseling if you aren't.
4. You may eventually have to make a decision about what is most important in your life. Are your sexual desires so important that it is worth a divorce? You may want to consider the possibility that you are going through a short term phase and that it is possible that after your divorce and sowing your seeds for a while you will feel regret and realize you fucked up your life.
5. I think you have two main options: hope that your current husband can meet you somewhere in the middle and not cheat on him or get divorced and find someone else.
