New thread for a new member

[2out_of3]

Feedback request from a new member

Hello,

https://www.literotica.com/s/rites-of-passage-1

Very new to the site.

I have written short stories for my own pleasure off and on for years. Also wrote RPG scenarios and acted as game master off and on for many years; never bothered to publish any. I have not done RPG work since the 90s so am out of touch with the technical aspects.

Am in the final editing stages of a more mainstream Sci-Fi novel and am about a hundred pages into books two and three. I'm writing two and three concurrently and will publish them after book one has generated some income, hopefully. Sorry, as much as I would like to promote it here I know that mainstream society can be brutally prudish. Maybe some of you will recognize my style when it comes out.

My recent submission is my first attempt at Erotica. I just decided 'what the hell, why not'.
I would be interested to hear some feedback from others, as I come from a technical/engineering background and want to improve the product as it were.

The story came to me recently and I wrote and submitted it that same night. Because of this I later noted some inconsistencies with character behavior and confusion between my intentions and how the wording flowed. I submitted an edit last night and hopefully that will fix some of those 'huh?' moments.

I expect some comments of 'need more sex' which of course is what many of you who frequent this site are after. Any other words of criticism or words of encouragement out there?

I do have several follow-up ideas, but only have so much time for creative writing for its own sake. If people seem to like it, I'm happy to turn the story into a multi-part series; even if I learn that I should probably start submitting in the non-sexual category.

I'm not sure when the edited version of the story "Rites of Passage" will go on line, but you may wish to wait for that before you let me know what you think.

I have lots of ideas and a tiny ego (that's tiny EGO), so talk to me.

 

[Ziedrich]

Rather than put a giant wall of text here, I sent my full comments on your story as a message. To sum up though, I thought it was generally good (particularly in that a lot of it made more sense in hindsight as the reader learns more about what's going on) and had reasonably clear and effective prose. However, I do think it suffers from inconsistent character motives and some plot holes of varying depth (there may be a gelatinous cube in the one about Sep sending Arlen out into serious danger when he's determined to protect Arlen at all other points, but the rogue I pushed in to check hasn't reported back yet).

I'd suggest reading it aloud to yourself when proofreading to eliminate the few but noticeable remaining grammar and punctuation errors and to catch the sometimes repetitive sentence patterns. I'd also suggest thinking it through from each character's perspectives to make sure everyone's actions actually make sense based on what they know and want.

Have a good day,
Ziedrich