New Story

[daddysbabygirl723]

I just submitted my very first story and would love to get some opinions on it.


here is the link to my story http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=245074

 

[HornyHenry]

Sophomoric

I just submitted my very first story and would love to get some opinions on it.


here is the link to my story http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=245074

Several misspelled words and punctuation errors.
You say you are a 20's woman, but this story reads like it was written by a mid-teens teenage boy. Not much character development or plot or dialogue.

In fact, the first person dialogue get tiresome really quickly. Too much I did, you did, I did, you did stuff.

Work on the plot, characters (Make them real or believable), dialogue (try second or third person with some talking between them - not only YOU telling the story from 1st person view.) AND, check your spelling and grammar.
If you are serious, keep trying and improve your style. The premise was hot enough but needed more development.
HH

 

[Sissy Adele Howells]

got bored to easily

Hi
Could have been ok but to many sentences starting with "I" and when this had stopped for a while, the sentences all started with "She".Because of this the interest was soon lost. Sorry to criticise, as we all make mistakes. Try thinking of other ways of starting your sentences. Instead of "She" all the time why not start with the females name. Anyway good luck with your future writing.
ADELE