mnwerewolf
Really Really Experienced
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- Nov 10, 2005
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I just got my first story up would love to hear feedback.
New story
- Thread starter mnwerewolf
- Start date
link to story
Believability is fine, the idea is fine, overall grammar is fair.
You have a few dozen punctuation problems.
I would rather see the opening conversation written as a conversation, rather than as a script.
You have a lot of trouble with consistency of verb tenses; within single thoughts, the verb tense must remain the same. The same with plurals, plural nouns require plural verbs (normally).
one example of the writing I have some trouble with:
I realized that I was holding her up and that she was passed out from the orgasm she has just had
could be - I realised I was holding her up; she had passed out, overcome by her orgasm.
------
It is a fair story, but the first 5 paragraphs probably keep most readers from really getting into the story. The opening is OK, but the conversation, meeting and subsequent trip to the words could be written better, and in a way to actually introduce the characters. I still have no idea who they are, why they are having sex, and why she is terrified one instant and begging the next.
Believability is fine, the idea is fine, overall grammar is fair.
You have a few dozen punctuation problems.
I would rather see the opening conversation written as a conversation, rather than as a script.
You have a lot of trouble with consistency of verb tenses; within single thoughts, the verb tense must remain the same. The same with plurals, plural nouns require plural verbs (normally).
one example of the writing I have some trouble with:
I realized that I was holding her up and that she was passed out from the orgasm she has just had
could be - I realised I was holding her up; she had passed out, overcome by her orgasm.
------
It is a fair story, but the first 5 paragraphs probably keep most readers from really getting into the story. The opening is OK, but the conversation, meeting and subsequent trip to the words could be written better, and in a way to actually introduce the characters. I still have no idea who they are, why they are having sex, and why she is terrified one instant and begging the next.
Last edited:
mnwerewolf
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Nov 10, 2005
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Come on some has to have some kind of feedback?
Love it?
Hate it?
To long ?
To short?
Not believable?
Come on folks at least someone say you've read it.
Love it?
Hate it?
To long ?
To short?
Not believable?
Come on folks at least someone say you've read it.
Varian P
writing again
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2004
- Posts
- 1,429
Hi there.
I'm intrigued by the concept of your story, in part because the dynamic of the sex is of a nature that works for me, erotically, and in part because the theme of one's writings/fantasies being brought to fruition happens to be the topic of my own mammoth epic here on this site.
As to execution, your story did get me good and hot. However, I had a lot of trouble with the structure and with the prose.
To be frank, I found the opening off-putting, both because of the transcript/screenplay formatting, and because the dialogue didn't feel natural. I think the opening would work much better if you reworked it in standard dialogue format, as you've don't through the rest of the story, and if you interjected some of the narrator's thoughts and feelings during the phone conversation. I'd also get rid of the intro paragraph preceding the phone call, and just dive right into the action.
There are a lot of grammar problems and wrong word issues throughout the story.
By the way, her sudden request to be taken in the manner of the stories the narrator's written is just yummy hot hot.
There were also some continuity problems, like this:
Does she love getting it in the ass? Or does she have a virgin ass?
There are times when you switch from the first person "I" to the third-person "he," and from third-person "she" to second person "you."
I hope this is helpful--as I said, it's a hot idea, and the sex action in the story was pretty tasty.
-Varian
I'm intrigued by the concept of your story, in part because the dynamic of the sex is of a nature that works for me, erotically, and in part because the theme of one's writings/fantasies being brought to fruition happens to be the topic of my own mammoth epic here on this site.
As to execution, your story did get me good and hot. However, I had a lot of trouble with the structure and with the prose.
To be frank, I found the opening off-putting, both because of the transcript/screenplay formatting, and because the dialogue didn't feel natural. I think the opening would work much better if you reworked it in standard dialogue format, as you've don't through the rest of the story, and if you interjected some of the narrator's thoughts and feelings during the phone conversation. I'd also get rid of the intro paragraph preceding the phone call, and just dive right into the action.
There are a lot of grammar problems and wrong word issues throughout the story.
I watch as she walks into the lounge, wondering if this is actually her coming towards me, this being the first time either of us has gotten up the courage to actually meet in person. Months and months of email, chats and phone calls have past[passed]. I find it amusing [to discover?] that I have known her husband for years and that we actually grew up together. She walked [you've switched from present to past tense] up and we exchanged hugs and a light kiss on the cheek. We sit [and now we're back in present tense] down and the waitress comes to take her order. For the next hour we chat of [kind of nitpicky (who, me?!but the "of" here sounds formal, while "chat" is casual. I'd go with "speak of" or "chat about"--whichever is more in line with the overall tone you want] normal stuff: family, friends, and the like, just two friends having a drink. Until she blurted [back to past tense] out that she had told John she'd not be coming home tonight, that she was going to fuck me tonight. I wondered [this suggests an internal thought, but the fact that she replies suggests you asked this question aloud] why all of a sudden she turned so bold about all this? Her reply was it is time for her to be taken as in the stories that I write.
By the way, her sudden request to be taken in the manner of the stories the narrator's written is just yummy hot hot.
There were also some continuity problems, like this:
Does she love getting it in the ass? Or does she have a virgin ass?
There are times when you switch from the first person "I" to the third-person "he," and from third-person "she" to second person "you."
I hope this is helpful--as I said, it's a hot idea, and the sex action in the story was pretty tasty.
-Varian
mnwerewolf
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kbate said:
Thank you for you feedback K that is what I need to hear been long time since I have done any writing and slowly working back into. I think next time have to work little harder on some more background. to it all.
mnwerewolf
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Vairn thanks for feedback, I will take your suggestions and work hard to fill more in with the next story.
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