New Story

[tiger_smurf]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=137740


Discuss. Vote. Talk amongst yourselves.

-ck

 

[Pure]

Hi Tiger,

Thanks for dropping in. If you want feedback, I'd suggest you'd ask to be added to the queue, and 'take the pledge' (to give a bit of feedback to others). See the first thread (sticky). Post your name if interested.

The "Story Feedback" area, and the Authors Hangout area are the best places simply to announce and solicit feedback, if that's all you want.

If you read the feedback here, it tend to be in depth. Why? Because more time is taken. Why? Because it's a swap of services.

So consider joining in, or if 'quick and dirty' is desired, do check in other places (I see you have, a bit).

Best,
J.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I already replied to Smurf either in PM or on the story feedback board; I don’t remember which. But I’ve been thinking about his story since I read it, and while I stand by what I said earlier (I found his heroine unsumpathetic and kind of irritating. Narrator too, for that matter), I think I was so involved in figuring out why I didn’t like his characters that I neglected to tell him how very good I thought his writing was.

We’ve got to be careful when we review stories not to let the content prejudice us against the story itself. I might not care for the characters, but I really did think that the writing and the way the story was told were wonderful. Smurf is a terrifically capable writer, and the piece has loads of mood and atmosphere and clever little tricks of technique. The way these things are tossed off and integrated into the story is just very professional and accomplished, and way above what you usually see on Lit. He develops a very natural voice and style for the narrator that works quite well.

So even though I didn't like his female lead, I'd have no problem giving him a five for the writing.

---dr.M.

 

[Guest]

Well, I'm here per Mab.'s encouragement on his AH thread. And I'm glad I read your story, TS. It's very well done and you have your own style, a very good thing.

I was going to be irritated at the beginning, with both characters, but soon enough they won me over and I knew there would be much to read between the lines. First clue: "And this is what passed for a conversation with someone you love." In fact, you put in enough tidbits (e.g., the vodka, the brother/sister roleplay) to make me think about the characters and hope you fill in more backstory in future installments.

The insertion of this sentence ("And this is what passed for a Sunday sunset, as the rain started coming down in sheets.") was good, took me out of the sex scene for just a moment and I felt part of the landscape, 'in the text', so to speak. I loved that. Then the rain comes, brilliant. And a nicely tender touch when he plays on her hair, having earlier whinged about it. Sweet.

Everything worked for me, the context of the relationship, the setting, the narrator's voice - even the pissing scene you worried about, it was perfect. The sex bit was good, and you managed to make the telling of it unique; I liked your onomotopoeic (sp.?) words, very sensual, real, "there".

The final "And this is what passed for a love story" was perfect too.

It's difficult to understand a relationship between two seemingly disparate characters, but the sentiment and 'love' came through. I like them, and wish them well. And you. I'll keep an eye out for your work - it's intelligent, thoughtful, alive and as 'strokey' as I need here (which is really not at all).

best to you, Perdita

 

[Pure]

I'm sure Tiger is writing fine stuff, I'm merely suggesting he and others join --put names in-- a queue by way of the sticky in the first thread of this Circle.

Tiger, I hope you'll join in.**

Best,

J.

**Of couse you're free to solicit feedback by any and all other methods in the meantime, during, and after.

 

[LiteraryArt]

Discussion?

Well I don't like to leave bad comments. So no comment and no vote. Perhaps it just wasn't my cup of tea.

 

[69Bob69]

Hi

Good story