new story

[icebaby]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/s... the male reader [/B] :kiss: job done:devil:

 

[BigTexan]

IceBaby,

DISCLAIMER: EVERYTHING that follows is my opinion.

I read your story. Actually I had to force myself to read it. No the writing wasn't bad, the choice of POV and Tense were not to my liking.

I absolutely loath Second Person and Present Tense.

Getting past that, 'cause I'm sure you've heard it all before, your writing is quite good. You have good mechanics and a pretty good story. Your descriptions and attention to detail are excellent.

Overall, had I not been turned off by the POV and tense, I would have gushed all over this story.

BigTexan

 

[icebaby]

re feedback

Hi Big Texan
thanks for your feed back i am trying hard to get it right i promise u, the ideas are all there running around in my dirty little mind,
maybe i would be better running a chat line i can speak it better than write it lol anyway thanks again

 

[Whispersecret]

Just throwing in my two cents. This type of story doesn't appeal to me, mainly because it's not really a story. It's a seduction. And I'm not a guy.

Also, I didn't agree with the idea of it.

Let me preface what I'm going to say with this disclaimer. Because you identify yourself in the piece as Icebaby, it's a first person "story." However, that doesn't mean that what's depicted here is what you really do or think. So, please don't take what I'm going to say as a personal affront to you or your philosophy about love or sex.

This piece starts out with Icebaby introducing herself to Joe Reader, who could be anyone. What follows is a detailed sexual encounter. At the end she asks:

Has the power of my love reached out to touch you, are you ready to join soul to soul, mind to mind, body to body, for all eternity?

Call me old-fashioned, but this woman (and again, I'm not sure if this was meant to be auto-biographical in nature) is going to be bitterly disappointed if she approaches strange men with this expectation--that they might be her soulmate. In my opinion, you can't determine this from sex. This is not to say that your story is bad. This is just to explain why it didn't work for me.

Now, on the other hand, I can see where your average horny guy could really enjoy this piece. The sex is quickly paced, immediate, and hot. A guy reading this could really feel like Icebaby is doing all this to him. Obviously, there is a very large audience for this type of thing, but I'd make sure that in the one-line description you "warn" people that this is a second person story meant for men. (Are You The One? - I ride your cock in order to answer this burning question.) That way the reader knows what he's in for before clicking on your story.

 

[Zaudika]

Hey Icebaby,
In most cases I'm not a huge fan of present tense either..... very cute comment on doing the chat line. I think from reading what you just wrote, you'd probably be real good at it.
Though not a fan of the present.. I did really enjoy reading your story.. the fact that it was like reading sexual thoughts that ran through someone's mind really appealed to me.
I think that you write very well.. and seeing you put your abilities into a more past tense story is something I look forward to. Keep writing!
-Z

 

[icebaby]

re feedback

Hi thanks for your feedback i am greatfull when anyone takes the time to read my stories and give their coments, point taken i have added a note to my original post warning readers that the story is more suited to the male reader and no i dont take it as a personal affront i never take anything personal life much to short
oh well i can not please everyone all of the time hope i write something more to your tastes in the future thanks again




Zaudika i will see what i can think up for you glad you enjoyed i must been doing something right well for our male readers anyway

 

[the_bragis]

Hello Icebaby,

Well, well, aren't you just one hot little bunny?

You know what, this story is everything a lot of people, including me, don't like isn't it? It's a present a tense, second person, short 'stroke' kind of story. It's got no character descriptions or back story. To top it all off, it's written for a man, and I'm a woman. Now here's what I found really intriguing, just like Zaudika I really enjoyed reading it!

Immediately after I read it I racked my brain trying to figure out why.

the fact that it was like reading sexual thoughts that ran through someone's mind really appealed to me.

Thanks Zaudika, I believe you hit the spot exactly.

I noted a couple of typos, but nothing overly distracting.

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a great day,

Alex .

 

[OT]

I'm normally not a nitpicky reader, but for this particular style, the nits jumped out at me.

I like the concept, but there were a few distractions that were... well ... distracting.

Commas. Too darn many commas. The punctuation and sentence structure in general could maybe be scrubbed. For example: "I see you are looking at my mouth, are you enjoying the way that ..."

I think it should be a statement. Followed by a question. You combined with a comma and did not end it with a question mark.

I understand that since it is a "stream of thought" that you might have to bend the rules a bit to get the flow correct.

And since you are "thinking out loud", less formal contractions would have been more natural. For example: "Do you like the way that I am stroking ..." would be more comfortable as "Do you like the way I'm stroking ...".

(remember, I'm picking at nits, not stomping on your story