New story, would like constructive criticism please.

[CynMarie]

Woo hoo! One of my recents was accepted, so the other one I should find out about in the next day or two I bet.

Anyway, I messed up by switching the eye-color on the guy halfway through the story and didn't go back to correct it Doh! I think I spelled route wrong But I hope that people aren't too distracted from the story... I pick up on typos in other stories sometimes, I'm such a dork.

Okay, so here is the link then:http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=252577

I wrote it, actually, a couple years ago. I have gone back into it every now and then to change some things. Finished it up. I want to do a "sequel" for the other sister to get a turn I just haven't been inspired... Hmm.

 

[HeyNonnyNonny]

First of all, I liked your story very much. As you imply, you can write, which is basically 90% of the work. You've got solid characters, credible dialogue, and a solid understanding of the rules of grammar. That puts it in the upper quartile of what you read on this site.

My primary concern with the story was that it was too long. This is not a common problem (most writers seem in a rush to get on with the "good bit"). I've also read longer stories where you don't mind waiting. I think the problem is that, you introduce the characters, gradually help us to understand them, etc, etc, you don't actually ratchet up the tension during the pre-sex period. Its just two sisters, hot and bitchy on a long car journey, you realise who is going to have sex, and then you wait for them to do so.

That being said, once they do, it is worth the wait. So no real complaints. Its just worth thinking about what you're acheiving with the build-up. Its worthwhile if it influences how we view the protagonists, or the interaction between them. Its terrific if it creates tension or shows us into a new or different world. But longer isn't necessarily better, or even more "literary".

I have voted. Should you be interested, I gave it a 4.

 

[CynMarie]

Thank you. See, I was worried it was too long too. I was thinking about trimming it some at teh beginning, but all that story was so interesting (to me), and it just seemed like it would be wasteful LOL I tend to be a little "wordy" in general, at least that is what my husband tells me. I was able to turn a 1500 word paper for school into 2010 without adding any content. It was due in 6 hours, I was tired and wanted it over with.

I do have 2 shorter stories, one is pending. The one I have up seems almost "too" short, but it was an actual dream about an actuall person- that I actually sent to him. I guess that one was more for him and me than for "readers".

 

[damppanties]

I'm just going to list some thoughts I had during the read-through. Or you could say it's a nitpicky proofread and a wannabe critique.

Lisa's rummaging finally produced a pack of cigarettes. She promptly went back to rummaging in her bag, presumably for something to light one with.
Here, you use rummaging quite close together in the paragraph. It's not exactly bad, but it made me stop and register that fact. Better to stay away from that.

I didn't like the paragrpahs of thought that you've put in there. For example,
Lisa glanced at her sister to gauge her reaction. 'If there's one thing about Linda that I don't like, it's her inability to loosen up a little. My god, she's only 24 but acts like she's 74. She doesn't even have a boyfriend, and therein probably lays her problem. Maybe this trip to Florida will help relax her. I know I'm looking forward to our destination; it's the first time on one of our trips that I can actually order a drink.'
-- this could just be narration, or given to the reader in between some action. Somehow putting it as a 'thought paragraph' didn't jell with me. (Reading further, you do this a lot.)

Nitpick alert:
"Hey Lisa, wait for me okay?" Linda slammed her door shut quickly
Slamming is quick, so 'quickly' isn't needed. It's a bit weak anyway.
Actually, this whole paragraph is slow, unnecessary detail. I relaise this story is in the novels and novella category, but even so, it is a bit slow in getting to the point.

Linda, slim and petite with her long naturally curled, and colored hair walking next to her extremely bright red haired, and more amply endowed little sister.
Here, too many descriptives crammed into one sentence.

Tall too, she guessed him to be a couple inches over 6 feet
awward. ...she guessed he was... would be better.

Just as she though, Lisa did like the mixes,
typo, though/thought

Lisa snagged some chips and soda, and went ahead and picked out a couple fashion magazines
...couple of fashion...

Just as she though, Lisa did like the mixes, and they traveled surrounded in music. The girls mostly took in their surroundings, with little conversion for most of the afternoon.
The word repeating thing with surrounded/ surroundings again.
And at this point, the story's dragging too.

There can't be too many routs into it.
I re-found your routes typo.

I'm sure he bares a striking resemblance...
bares? bears?

As he began to caress her leg again, she turned and kissed his neck. The higher his hand went, the higher she kissed. Just as his fingers grazed her silk panties, she kissed his earlobe.
I liked this.

still kissing his neck an ear
typo, an/and

Okay, done reading. You start off well, wander during the story and end nicely with the sex. I'd say cut some of the detail during the story. As Nonny said, stick to facts the reader needs to know.

There's some punctuation stuff I didn't comment on - unnecessary commas, wrong dialogue tags and period outside the end double quotation marks of the dialogue and things like that. They could be eliminated by a good proofread. It's good story, but could be better with a little more effort. Good luck with the next one.

 

[CynMarie]

Thank you for reading. I find that a lot of times mistakes that you (general you) would catch in writing can be missed in your own stuff. That's what went wrong with the spelling. MS Word is good for a first run, but shouldn't be final edit. Even with proofreading. I am learning more stuff doing this, and with all the essays I have to do for school. I hope the next story I write is a little stronger.

I should try to get a volunteer editor to go over the next one. The only reason I didn't this time, is that last time I was here (oh- 3+ years ago), none of the 3 editors I contacted got back with me for my candle story I should give that another go, as I'm sure it's not the same group, or those that do it and stuck around I missed before.

I definitely won't be working on any pleasure writing within the next couple of weeks though- finals!

 

[damppanties]

I should try to get a volunteer editor to go over the next one. The only reason I didn't this time, is that last time I was here (oh- 3+ years ago), none of the 3 editors I contacted got back with me for my candle story I should give that another go, as I'm sure it's not the same group, or those that do it and stuck around I missed before.

You'd have better luck asking in the Editor's Forum. Lots of helpful people there.