New Story -Vegas date night

[jeninflorida]

Hello, I'm looking for some feedback for my story

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=271683

I'm hoping its better then my others.....Will try to check in soon, have to clean somethings up for this little storm coming tonight.

Thanks
Jen

 

[werdsmith]

I left you some comments, I really liked it.

Werd

 

[SweetErika]

I think it's a good effort, but nothing really stood out or grabbed me as a reader. Character and plot development and some unique/interesting details and descriptions would help a lot. Focus on what you can do to bring the characters and sex to life: what they look like, actions and thoughts that show their personalities (changing to third person might be helpful; first is really tough to do well), using similes/metaphors to describe sensations, details that make the sex really exciting and special, etc.

The other thing is that many errors can seriously lower impressions of even the most beautifully crafted story. Punctuation and such isn't always obvious, but 'nipples' instead of 'nibbles' and 'budge' instead of 'bulge' are errors that should be caught easily in proofreading/editing. It sounds like you've gotten a lot of feedback on technical issues; maybe it's time to find a good editor to help with proofreading and plot suggestions?

This isn't directed at you, Jen, but for me, an author who doesn't do everything they can to ensure they're putting out the best work possible isn't worth my reading time. My thought is, 'If they're not going to do something as simple as fix known issues/ask for help editing, they must not care about their writing or readers very much.' I know that's kind of harsh and it's a vulnerable position for an author, but I guess I see erotica as having the goal of entertaining and arousing the reader, and if errors/problems take away from that, why not give eliminating them their best shot?

 

[Ravlicious]

I basically want to say that it is a good story, very erotic, but just needs a few little fixes. Not plot-wise, just technical stuff--but you seem to already know this. Besides the need to proofread a bit more (get a good style manual--I'm sure there are some good free ones online, or go to a bookstore and take your pick), you can probably cut some words out. Another thing you can do, which goes with the proofreeding, is read the story out loud to yourself (you can do it in a whisper so people don't think you're talking to yourself, but if you actually hear the words rather than just read them, you'll catch awkward wordings and phrasings).

Like I said, though, I enjoyed the story! Keep it up!

 

[jeninflorida]

I know that my editing, is my weakest link, and working harder to correct that. For me, I usually write after some sexy experience...you know the kind that takes your breath away the day after! So then a couple of days later i'm sitting at my desk writing away through the dark still of night and once i finish, i post the first draft. The next stories, I will allow the story to sit for some time, and then go back and edit the story at least two more passes.

I think it's a good effort, but nothing really stood out or grabbed me as a reader. Character and plot development and some unique/interesting details and descriptions would help a lot. Focus on what you can do to bring the characters and sex to life: what they look like, actions and thoughts that show their personalities (changing to third person might be helpful; first is really tough to do well), using similes/metaphors to describe sensations, details that make the sex really exciting and special, etc.

The other thing is that many errors can seriously lower impressions of even the most beautifully crafted story. Punctuation and such isn't always obvious, but 'nipples' instead of 'nibbles' and 'budge' instead of 'bulge' are errors that should be caught easily in proofreading/editing. It sounds like you've gotten a lot of feedback on technical issues; maybe it's time to find a good editor to help with proofreading and plot suggestions?

This isn't directed at you, Jen, but for me, an author who doesn't do everything they can to ensure they're putting out the best work possible isn't worth my reading time. My thought is, 'If they're not going to do something as simple as fix known issues/ask for help editing, they must not care about their writing or readers very much.' I know that's kind of harsh and it's a vulnerable position for an author, but I guess I see erotica as having the goal of entertaining and arousing the reader, and if errors/problems take away from that, why not give eliminating them their best shot?