New story up

[where]

Be interested to get some feedback on it. It was a bit of an experiment using three people's POV. And it's a stroker, so I warn you, no real back story or characterisation.

 

[ellynei]

You forgot a link for us lazy peeps, I assume its this one

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=369361

 

[ellynei]

I read it now.

I thought the story was very hot and very great, really liked it.

The triple POV works great, although it would be nice if you had kept the POV-switch markings all the way through, (perhaps put in a smaller POV switch mark and keep it all the way through? . -*-)

One thing detracts greatly from pleasure though, tense issues. Kinda my weak spot when wanting to read something and just enjoy, enjoy. There are multiple present tense spots in there, needing some loving alterating to past tense.

Gimme a PM if you would like some aid spotting them.

I think it's a really great and well told scenario, and I think your story deserves your time to give it an -EDITED fixing those tense issues (and maybe POV-switch markings).

(If ye be wondering why I praised it so highly but didn't vote, it be cause I'm retaining my vote for an -EDITED version with tense-issues fixed.)


Thanks for a wonderful and enjoyable read TrulyRedBeauty.

 

[where]

I thought the story was very hot and very great, really liked it.

The triple POV works great, although it would be nice if you had kept the POV-switch markings all the way through, (perhaps put in a smaller POV switch mark and keep it all the way through? . -*-)

One thing detracts greatly from pleasure though, tense issues. Kinda my weak spot when wanting to read something and just enjoy, enjoy. There are multiple present tense spots in there, needing some loving alterating to past tense.

Gimme a PM if you would like some aid spotting them.

I think it's a really great and well told scenario, and I think your story deserves your time to give it an -EDITED fixing those tense issues (and maybe POV-switch markings).

(If ye be wondering why I praised it so highly but didn't vote, it be cause I'm retaining my vote for an -EDITED version with tense-issues fixed.)


Thanks for a wonderful and enjoyable read TrulyRedBeauty.

Oh bollocks! I thought I got the tense issues! Originally it was back and forth and then it was all in the present and then in the past and back to present ...thought I'd settled on the past and weeded the past ones out. I originally posted it on my blog with different fonts for each person, but that isn't possible on lit.

send me the messed up tenses and I'll try to fix it..if you can be bothered xxx

 

[tickledkitty]

You have a gift for beautiful description, and I thought using all three POVs worked well. I really liked this:

The petals of her cunt gently kissed my tongue tip, drawing me into her.

It's just a lovely image.

That being said, I think you do have a real problem with tense here, and it detracts from the story. It's a problem all through the story--too many for me to go through and point them all out to you.

Also, I'm kind of wondering what the point is here. There doesn't seem to be any conclusion, except that everybody comes. I guess I was expecting something else. Some lesson learned by Rose or Nat. Some type of result from all this. You seemed to be leading into something in the beginning but never follow through. Do you know what I mean? A story should bring about some sort of change in the characters. It should lead to something. I guess you could say it led to everyone coming, but how did they feel about it? I don't think their only goal was to come, was it?

At the beginning, you describe Rose putting on all this stuff--corset, stockings, shoes, etc. Then, during the sex part, it all seems to have vanished without any explanation. You specifically mention her pussy being covered by the silk of her panties, yet there's no mention of the panties being removed. This is confusing.

Another thing that is confusing is everybody's position near the end. You say Dan is holding Rose's body against his, yet Nat has his mouth between them somehow. I couldn't really picture it. I just couldn't see them in that whole section, and I think you did a pretty good job with their positions prior to that.

Overall, I thought this was really hot, and, again, your descriptions are very good. However, it seems like part of a larger story, which it may very well be. Sorry if I've missed that. I know you said it's a stroker, so no back story and all that, but why not? I think it's worth making it more of a story.

 

[where]

You have a gift for beautiful description, and I thought using all three POVs worked well. I really liked this:



It's just a lovely image.

That being said, I think you do have a real problem with tense here, and it detracts from the story. It's a problem all through the story--too many for me to go through and point them all out to you.

Also, I'm kind of wondering what the point is here. There doesn't seem to be any conclusion, except that everybody comes. I guess I was expecting something else. Some lesson learned by Rose or Nat. Some type of result from all this. You seemed to be leading into something in the beginning but never follow through. Do you know what I mean? A story should bring about some sort of change in the characters. It should lead to something. I guess you could say it led to everyone coming, but how did they feel about it? I don't think their only goal was to come, was it?

At the beginning, you describe Rose putting on all this stuff--corset, stockings, shoes, etc. Then, during the sex part, it all seems to have vanished without any explanation. You specifically mention her pussy being covered by the silk of her panties, yet there's no mention of the panties being removed. This is confusing.

Another thing that is confusing is everybody's position near the end. You say Dan is holding Rose's body against his, yet Nat has his mouth between them somehow. I couldn't really picture it. I just couldn't see them in that whole section, and I think you did a pretty good job with their positions prior to that.

Overall, I thought this was really hot, and, again, your descriptions are very good. However, it seems like part of a larger story, which it may very well be. Sorry if I've missed that. I know you said it's a stroker, so no back story and all that, but why not? I think it's worth making it more of a story.

I know... no character development. The people in the stories know their characters and I just put them in a stroke scenario. I'm gonna fix the tenses (thanks Elly ), clothing issues and sort out the positions so it's clearer. In my mind's eye Dan is kneeling with Rose leaning with her back against his chest and Nat is between both their thighs.

I nearly had Rose expire from fucking but decided against it. I couldn't really think how to end it to be honest so just left it with a big orgasm.

It started in the present and ended in the past and I thought I had caught all the tense changes. I guess it is better in the past tense?

Thanks for the great feedback

 

[ParisWaterman]

A juicy hot tale, and much better than average. Here comes the but . . . tickled Kitty is right about the tenselapses in that they do tend to distract when one least wants to be distracted.

The entire story appears to be in the present tense, or should be. Different perspectives still work in that tense. And you really, really want to have your material proofed by someone who knows what they're doing and not just someone who will gloss over the material making only cosmetic corrections. From a writer's standpoint, it matters not if the proofread actually sheds your story to pieces, for you will feel the pain and see the justification of the corrections. More importantly, you will not make them (all) again. So your writing will have been improved on two counts. Present material and future material. Lastly, I do implore you to keep writing. You will only get better.

Regards,
Paris

 

[where]

A juicy hot tale, and much better than average. Here comes the but . . . tickled Kitty is right about the tenselapses in that they do tend to distract when one least wants to be distracted.

The entire story appears to be in the present tense, or should be. Different perspectives still work in that tense. And you really, really want to have your material proofed by someone who knows what they're doing and not just someone who will gloss over the material making only cosmetic corrections. From a writer's standpoint, it matters not if the proofread actually sheds your story to pieces, for you will feel the pain and see the justification of the corrections. More importantly, you will not make them (all) again. So your writing will have been improved on two counts. Present material and future material. Lastly, I do implore you to keep writing. You will only get better.

Regards,
Paris

*laughing*

I'm working on it! But... should I go back to the present tense now? I wish Mike would hurry and finish his house so he could edit again!

 

[tickledkitty]

*laughing*

I'm working on it! But... should I go back to the present tense now? I wish Mike would hurry and finish his house so he could edit again!

I'd keep it in past tense. Present tense is difficult to pull off effectively.

 

[where]

OK... Tenses now fixed (Thank you Ell!). I've resubmitted as an edit so possibly up next week?

 

[where]

OK... it's up! Again! *shameless plug*

 

[humphrey]

OK... it's up! Again! *shameless plug*

Found a mistake....