New Story Reviews

Nice little short story, for the most part. Some punctuation and grammar problems; appears to be just mistakes of carelessness since they are not consistent. Dialogue from more than one person, though, shouldn't be combined into one paragraph. Vocabulary is above average; however, there are a few places where the wrong word was used (e.g., "disused" should probably be "diffused," or "allayed" would be even better, and "hymn" should be "hymen").

I read about halfway through that Paul was more like an honorary member than an actual member of this fraternity, but there's a part earlier in the story where he implied having been a pledge: "Fucking pledges…when I was in his place, I knew who to show the proper respect to.
so I was a little confused as to whether he was really a brother or not.

Is Eric the friend mentioned towards the beginning of the story who belonged to Delta Chi? Maybe his name should be mentioned earlier (I've hung out with him at my friend Eric's frat house..., for example) so that we know to whom the frat brothers are referring when they greet Paul and ask, "Where's Eric?"

I liked how a failed romance with Eric's cousin, Kristin, was suggested; certainly piqued my interest in what had happened in their relationship.

I liked the initial description of Alli, especially the imagery that's used for her hair & eyes. However, this sentence needs some work: But for her short frame, she had a nice set of tits, not massive, probably on about a 20something, A cup, maybe B, but they looked good on her.

I initially had a problem understanding this line:
I cleared my throat and said, "Well, if I'm not going to be able to take off any of your clothes, than you might want to lose those jeans, it'll make what I'm hoping to do all that much harder."
After thinking about it a while, I realized that Paul must have been saying it facetiously. Perhaps I'm just a little denser than most, but maybe something could be added to help clue the reader that Paul's comment was said in jest.

Ok, everything up to the sex scene in Paul's bedroom is great. Nice background, good pacing and build-up, very believeable. Even that bit of erotica in the living room is great. Once they get into the bedroom, though, it just seems to go over the top. Alli's a virgin, yet in the next couple of paragraphs she acts like an cheerleader who had bedded the entire football team. After each game. I don't know if that was the intent, to turn the whole characterization of Alli around, but it didn't seem to work for me.

... but suddenly she screamed like a dying horse...
... she pulled me on top of her, hissing like a leaky tire, ...
Oh, man, I'm sorry, forgive me for laughing. Those have got to be a couple of the most unique similes that I have ever read. For some reason, it just seemed to kill the romantic aura of the situation ;)

A really fun read. I think there's a slight hint of trying to be kind of off-beat towards the end, but I think you should consider writing a separate story with that same sort of edginess throughout instead of working it into this story.
 
Brutal man, totally brutal. I know that it's true, but it's still fricken brutal. This was the first story that I have written, so I'm thankful for the advice.
 
I'm working on a sequel to "A Night at Delta Chi". Keep a look out for it, as I'll probably get it out soon.
 
AUBandGuy said:
Brutal man, totally brutal. I know that it's true, but it's still fricken brutal. This was the first story that I have written, so I'm thankful for the advice.


I don't think it was brutal.

HotCap was fair, concise, and positively upbeat. It takes time and effort for someone to read and offer creative and helpful input. I'm glad you said you were thankful because you should listen to HotCap's advice.

When you put your stories out for the public to read, expect honest critique. And not all of it will be to your liking. But it is the only way for writers to improve their product, isn't it? Practice, refinement, reader input, editing, more editing, even more editing. . .

Looking forward to more stories from you.

Good luck. :rose:
 
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