New Story, please critique

[vic450]

Hi All,

My story 'Morning" just got posted. Please let me know what you think. The good, the bad and the ugly.

All comments appreciated.

Regards,
Victor

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=51792

 

[NCmVoyeur]

Inconsistent

Some comments:

You keep switching tenses. Take the opening paragraph:

He walked [past] into the room quietly. It was early. The soft glow of the rising sun quietly touches [present] the edge of the bed. He stood [past] by the foot of the bed and smiled. His eyes wandered up and down her form. Her naked leg wrapped around the side of the blanket. A strand of hair quietly lays [present] across her peaceful face. One of her smooth arms softly tucked [past] under the pillow while the other lays [present] gently on her side, accentuating her curved hip.

In truth, were this not a feedback effort, by this point alone I'd probably have hit the 'back' button and read no further.

Adverb abuse: I counted 25 uses of 'slowly' and 19 uses of 'gently' in a 1 (Lit.)-page story.

Incomplete sentences:
"Slowly down her bottom lip, carefully to her chin."
"Softly moving around the curve of her breast. Moving his fingers around, closer to her nipple."
"He making sure each finger tip flicks over one after the other."
"Her nightie, covering the soft skin of her stomach."

There were some others; I lost track.

The minimalist, third person objective style you use (for the most part) didn't work. I kept wanting for something to break up the monotony of the stark 'play-by-play.' There were a few moments(e.g., 'The light from the rising sun now dispels the shadowy light over the left side of her sleeping form.') but too few. Though, even that sentence perpetuated the tense-shift problem.

In a few points you inconsistently slip into a more omniscient narrative point of view:

He looked at her face, feeling the urge to kiss her. He looked at her neck, feeling the need to touch her.

Unfortunately, that was the one point where the rhythm of the prose was enjoyable. But, my feeling was, as long as you're going to give me his inner feelings here, give me all of it: his thoughts and other emotions as well. Tell me a bit more about who these characters are.

The one-sentence-per-paragraph style you keep for most of the latter part of the story had the potential to create a nice point/counterpoint rhythm, but it ends up being mostly choppy and irregular.

As a visually-oriented person, I did like how he keep looking at her longingly. That did create some nice erotic moments for me. Though it could have been better if description had been added, so that I as reader could better appreciate what he was seeing.

Thanks for the story. I hope this helps some.

 

[vic450]

Re: Inconsistent

Thank you. It definitely helps a lot. I'll have to look over my other stuff.

Vic

Some comments:

You keep switching tenses. Take the opening paragraph:

He walked [past] into the room quietly. It was early. The soft glow of the rising sun quietly touches [present] the edge of the bed. He stood [past] by the foot of the bed and smiled. His eyes wandered up and down her form. Her naked leg wrapped around the side of the blanket. A strand of hair quietly lays [present] across her peaceful face. One of her smooth arms softly tucked [past] under the pillow while the other lays [present] gently on her side, accentuating her curved hip.

In truth, were this not a feedback effort, by this point alone I'd probably have hit the 'back' button and read no further.

Adverb abuse: I counted 25 uses of 'slowly' and 19 uses of 'gently' in a 1 (Lit.)-page story.

Incomplete sentences:
"Slowly down her bottom lip, carefully to her chin."
"Softly moving around the curve of her breast. Moving his fingers around, closer to her nipple."
"He making sure each finger tip flicks over one after the other."
"Her nightie, covering the soft skin of her stomach."

There were some others; I lost track.

The minimalist, third person objective style you use (for the most part) didn't work. I kept wanting for something to break up the monotony of the stark 'play-by-play.' There were a few moments(e.g., 'The light from the rising sun now dispels the shadowy light over the left side of her sleeping form.') but too few. Though, even that sentence perpetuated the tense-shift problem.

In a few points you inconsistently slip into a more omniscient narrative point of view:

He looked at her face, feeling the urge to kiss her. He looked at her neck, feeling the need to touch her.

Unfortunately, that was the one point where the rhythm of the prose was enjoyable. But, my feeling was, as long as you're going to give me his inner feelings here, give me all of it: his thoughts and other emotions as well. Tell me a bit more about who these characters are.

The one-sentence-per-paragraph style you keep for most of the latter part of the story had the potential to create a nice point/counterpoint rhythm, but it ends up being mostly choppy and irregular.

As a visually-oriented person, I did like how he keep looking at her longingly. That did create some nice erotic moments for me. Though it could have been better if description had been added, so that I as reader could better appreciate what he was seeing.

Thanks for the story. I hope this helps some.