phantome71
Experienced
- Joined
- Mar 8, 2002
- Posts
- 36
Please let me know whadya think. http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=82799
New story - KIDNAPPED
- Thread starter phantome71
- Start date
DarlingNikki
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Dec 29, 2002
- Posts
- 468
This story read exactly like a porno movie. If that's what you had in mind then you succeeded. But as far as erotic WRITING goes, it was kind of frustrating because you did a lot of telling and not much showing.
The beginning is a bit confusing - she takes them back to Mike's apartment for coffee? Who's Mike? I assume that's her boss, but you don't say that. Why does she take them to his apartment if he isn't going to be there? Why not to their hotel or to a restaurant? And if she's at her boss's place, why does she go upstairs to change? Sure, they're lovers, but it wouldn't be very professional to let on about that to clients. And why does she even need to change at all? Didn't she wear the appropriate thing to meet them in the first place?
You have no dialog in the story until Sarah is on the plane. I want to hear what these men said to her and how they actually invited her to visit them. Some insight into their personalities.
I find it hard to believe that she didn't struggle more or become more upset by her predicament. Basically she cheers up when she gets to put on the costume and the jewelry, which is not realistic. You could have gone two ways with this - either have her be truly resistant and describe how she's finally broken down (this is Non-consent, after all) or you could have had something like this as a secret fantasy for her so that when it happens, it doesn't take long for her to give in.
Okay - the frustrating part. We get to the harem. Very nice. You mention that there's a very erotic atmosphere but you don't really describe it. You say there's a "smart pool" but that's not particularly erotic. You talk about how the girls dress each other, but there's no detail, which would have made it erotic.
Then Sarah gets to meet the Princes. ("Prince's" is possesive. "Princes" is plural.) She's trying to avoid having sex with them, so why when they ask her if she wants a drink does she ask for a Scotch on the rocks? Why not a Coke or a glass of water? You could still have put in the part about the sex drug.
Then we have the big orgy scene. Here is where the story got truly frustrating. We have six men in the room and we never really know where the men are when they're not having sex with Sarah. What are they doing? Masturbating? Watching hungrily? Jostling for a turn? Clipping each other's fingernails? The excitement and draw of group sex is that there's a whole bunch of people around. But if you only describe the actions of two, the other ones might as well not be there and the point of the group is lost.
"She gasped as his erection grew until she was unable to put her hand completely around it."
Hmm. This is my own personal thing. I know I'm not alone in feeling this way but I also know that lots of people do like this type of description. But - can't put her hand completely around it? Hardly likely. I'm picturing something the size of a Coke can. Like I said, plenty of people get off on that, so it's your choice to write it or not. But keep in mind it's going to ruin the believability for a lot of people.
We're willing to suspend disbelief on the overall kidnapping premise so we can enjoy hot harem sex, but the Coke-can penis is just not found in nature. You might also want to keep in mind that sex with six such endowed men over a short period of time is going to be VERY painful. If that's what you're into then great. But then describe the soreness for the enjoyment of those who like that.
As for the sex itself -
"Once more Sarah was mercilessly fucked and once more she achieved a massive orgasm. The four other princes had all now arrived and she was passed from one to the other. They were experts in the various methods and positions of the Khama Sutra and Sarah lost count of the number of times that she climaxed."
A seven person gang-bang over in a paragraph? We might forgive the rushed feeling of getting to the sex if the sex was worth it, but it isn't. This is where you want detail. "mercilessly fucked" and "massive orgasm" tell us nothing.
I'm also not sure why Arabs would be such experts in the Kama Sutra, which is an Indian text. It seems like you're jumbling together a bunch of "exotic" ideas. If they studied it the same way they went to school in England and finishing school - I don't think men go to finishing school - in Switzerland, then tell us that.
"Each time she was made to cum she would be passed to another brother who would take her in another position and touch her in ways that she had never before experienced."
If she's never before experienced these "ways" before then I probably haven't either. Why don't you tell us just what those ways are? Again, it's the detail that makes it hot.
I also got a little confused about Khalid. You told us there were six brothers. You also said all brothers had to be present at the initiation of a new girl. Six brothers were present for the orgy. So... who is this new brother?
I think this story could be really, really good with the addition of some rich, sensual details. I also think it could make some really nice chapters if drawn out to give it the detail it deserves. The writing is clear and easy to read and there aren't many errors. All the story really needs is some juicy details.
The above stuff is all just my own opinion and should be taken as such; I won't be offended if you disagree. I hope you find it helpful.
Nikki
The beginning is a bit confusing - she takes them back to Mike's apartment for coffee? Who's Mike? I assume that's her boss, but you don't say that. Why does she take them to his apartment if he isn't going to be there? Why not to their hotel or to a restaurant? And if she's at her boss's place, why does she go upstairs to change? Sure, they're lovers, but it wouldn't be very professional to let on about that to clients. And why does she even need to change at all? Didn't she wear the appropriate thing to meet them in the first place?
You have no dialog in the story until Sarah is on the plane. I want to hear what these men said to her and how they actually invited her to visit them. Some insight into their personalities.
I find it hard to believe that she didn't struggle more or become more upset by her predicament. Basically she cheers up when she gets to put on the costume and the jewelry, which is not realistic. You could have gone two ways with this - either have her be truly resistant and describe how she's finally broken down (this is Non-consent, after all) or you could have had something like this as a secret fantasy for her so that when it happens, it doesn't take long for her to give in.
Okay - the frustrating part. We get to the harem. Very nice. You mention that there's a very erotic atmosphere but you don't really describe it. You say there's a "smart pool" but that's not particularly erotic. You talk about how the girls dress each other, but there's no detail, which would have made it erotic.
Then Sarah gets to meet the Princes. ("Prince's" is possesive. "Princes" is plural.) She's trying to avoid having sex with them, so why when they ask her if she wants a drink does she ask for a Scotch on the rocks? Why not a Coke or a glass of water? You could still have put in the part about the sex drug.
Then we have the big orgy scene. Here is where the story got truly frustrating. We have six men in the room and we never really know where the men are when they're not having sex with Sarah. What are they doing? Masturbating? Watching hungrily? Jostling for a turn? Clipping each other's fingernails? The excitement and draw of group sex is that there's a whole bunch of people around. But if you only describe the actions of two, the other ones might as well not be there and the point of the group is lost.
"She gasped as his erection grew until she was unable to put her hand completely around it."
Hmm. This is my own personal thing. I know I'm not alone in feeling this way but I also know that lots of people do like this type of description. But - can't put her hand completely around it? Hardly likely. I'm picturing something the size of a Coke can. Like I said, plenty of people get off on that, so it's your choice to write it or not. But keep in mind it's going to ruin the believability for a lot of people.
We're willing to suspend disbelief on the overall kidnapping premise so we can enjoy hot harem sex, but the Coke-can penis is just not found in nature. You might also want to keep in mind that sex with six such endowed men over a short period of time is going to be VERY painful. If that's what you're into then great. But then describe the soreness for the enjoyment of those who like that.
As for the sex itself -
"Once more Sarah was mercilessly fucked and once more she achieved a massive orgasm. The four other princes had all now arrived and she was passed from one to the other. They were experts in the various methods and positions of the Khama Sutra and Sarah lost count of the number of times that she climaxed."
A seven person gang-bang over in a paragraph? We might forgive the rushed feeling of getting to the sex if the sex was worth it, but it isn't. This is where you want detail. "mercilessly fucked" and "massive orgasm" tell us nothing.
I'm also not sure why Arabs would be such experts in the Kama Sutra, which is an Indian text. It seems like you're jumbling together a bunch of "exotic" ideas. If they studied it the same way they went to school in England and finishing school - I don't think men go to finishing school - in Switzerland, then tell us that.
"Each time she was made to cum she would be passed to another brother who would take her in another position and touch her in ways that she had never before experienced."
If she's never before experienced these "ways" before then I probably haven't either. Why don't you tell us just what those ways are? Again, it's the detail that makes it hot.
I also got a little confused about Khalid. You told us there were six brothers. You also said all brothers had to be present at the initiation of a new girl. Six brothers were present for the orgy. So... who is this new brother?
I think this story could be really, really good with the addition of some rich, sensual details. I also think it could make some really nice chapters if drawn out to give it the detail it deserves. The writing is clear and easy to read and there aren't many errors. All the story really needs is some juicy details.
The above stuff is all just my own opinion and should be taken as such; I won't be offended if you disagree. I hope you find it helpful.
Nikki
hiddenself
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Dec 17, 2002
- Posts
- 452
I second DN's opinion. I would add the word "bad" before "porno movie." I barely made it through to the end (and I wouldn't have if I weren't planning to give feedback here).
I found the writing decent, with not too many grammatical or spelling errors.
I]business men[/I]
should be one word
she said patiently – "what the..."
she said patiently, "what the..."
the Prince's quarters
means the quarters of ONE prince -- you probably need the Princes' quarters.
"The Prince's enjoy..."
The Princes enjoy...
You're having trouble with the plural and posessives.
Khama Sutra
is usually spelled Kama Sutra.
On the other hand, I found the story totally flat and unexciting. Is this a non-consent story? Either she is forced or not. But you don't seem to make up your mind. The men ask and cajole her but never force her. On the other hand, she is only too eager to comply. The sex scenes are uninspiring and boring. And there is enough slopiness in the narrative that whatever good parts may be there are lost. It brought back memories of some of my teachers who used to talk in an awful monotone and try hard to put me to sleep.
As DN said, the intro is extremely awkward -- I won't belabor that in my post. There are other awkward things throughout the story, such as
"You will have tests to prove that you are pure and..."
Pure? A couple of sentences later you say she was no virgin...
Khalid had boasted to his brother that Sarah and he had been fucking Sarah and...
Huh?
But the problem is the overall narrative. It conveys no atmosphere (either in the royal quarters or the harem), no tension, no passion.
hs
I found the writing decent, with not too many grammatical or spelling errors.
I]business men[/I]
should be one word
she said patiently – "what the..."
she said patiently, "what the..."
the Prince's quarters
means the quarters of ONE prince -- you probably need the Princes' quarters.
"The Prince's enjoy..."
The Princes enjoy...
You're having trouble with the plural and posessives.
Khama Sutra
is usually spelled Kama Sutra.
On the other hand, I found the story totally flat and unexciting. Is this a non-consent story? Either she is forced or not. But you don't seem to make up your mind. The men ask and cajole her but never force her. On the other hand, she is only too eager to comply. The sex scenes are uninspiring and boring. And there is enough slopiness in the narrative that whatever good parts may be there are lost. It brought back memories of some of my teachers who used to talk in an awful monotone and try hard to put me to sleep.
As DN said, the intro is extremely awkward -- I won't belabor that in my post. There are other awkward things throughout the story, such as
"You will have tests to prove that you are pure and..."
Pure? A couple of sentences later you say she was no virgin...
Khalid had boasted to his brother that Sarah and he had been fucking Sarah and...
Huh?
But the problem is the overall narrative. It conveys no atmosphere (either in the royal quarters or the harem), no tension, no passion.
hs
Chicklet
plays well with self
- Joined
- Apr 8, 2002
- Posts
- 12,302
I actually came across your story before I came across this thread. I started reading it, but I hit back before I got very far. As a reader, and not a critiquer, or whatever you would call it, I'm going to tell you why I didn't read your story.
First off, the description you put next to the title, I liked very much. That's why I clicked on it rather than any of the stories above or below it. That's really good! A lot of times stories get passed over completely because their description is boring to me, seems too...I don't know...overdone. But yours I liked.
The first paragraph seems out of place in a story. It's too "setting the scene" without "setting the scene." Instead of having three sentances to set the past situation up, I think you should have had some inner thought. Where is your character, why is she there? You could perhaps have said something like this: "Sarah glanced down at her watch again. The flight had landed five minutes ago and the men her boss had sent her to meet still hadn't gotten off the plane. Sitting for two hours waiting for the plane to arrive hadn't helped her temper, and she told herself to give Frank a stern talking-to next time he asked her to do favors for him in bed." - there, in an interesting way, you've set where she is, why she's there, and that she's sleeping with her boss.
I skimmed along because nothing grabbed my attention, skipping through the paragraphs and picking up tidbits of the dialogue. Your use of quotation marks is incorrect, but nothing that little editing can't take care of. In the first few paragraphs, places that should have held dialogue are blank, leaving us only with a description of what is said. Dialogue can be strong in a story, bringing the reader in, and also revealing your character's personality by what he/she says.
The name of the girl, Fatima, bothered me. This is an erotic story and to me, personally, the name Fatima isn't very erotic. There are plenty of sites online that can help you choose authentic names for any country of your desire, but ugly names should only be used for ugly characters.
This story is salvageable, please don't be put off by the remarks in this thread. You asked for feedback. Here is my opinion: Rework, rewrite, edit, and resubmit. There are plenty of willing people to help you edit your story. If you really want an in-depth edit of your story, let me know. All the ideas have got to come from you, though.
Chicklet
First off, the description you put next to the title, I liked very much. That's why I clicked on it rather than any of the stories above or below it. That's really good! A lot of times stories get passed over completely because their description is boring to me, seems too...I don't know...overdone. But yours I liked.
The first paragraph seems out of place in a story. It's too "setting the scene" without "setting the scene." Instead of having three sentances to set the past situation up, I think you should have had some inner thought. Where is your character, why is she there? You could perhaps have said something like this: "Sarah glanced down at her watch again. The flight had landed five minutes ago and the men her boss had sent her to meet still hadn't gotten off the plane. Sitting for two hours waiting for the plane to arrive hadn't helped her temper, and she told herself to give Frank a stern talking-to next time he asked her to do favors for him in bed." - there, in an interesting way, you've set where she is, why she's there, and that she's sleeping with her boss.
I skimmed along because nothing grabbed my attention, skipping through the paragraphs and picking up tidbits of the dialogue. Your use of quotation marks is incorrect, but nothing that little editing can't take care of. In the first few paragraphs, places that should have held dialogue are blank, leaving us only with a description of what is said. Dialogue can be strong in a story, bringing the reader in, and also revealing your character's personality by what he/she says.
The name of the girl, Fatima, bothered me. This is an erotic story and to me, personally, the name Fatima isn't very erotic. There are plenty of sites online that can help you choose authentic names for any country of your desire, but ugly names should only be used for ugly characters.
This story is salvageable, please don't be put off by the remarks in this thread. You asked for feedback. Here is my opinion: Rework, rewrite, edit, and resubmit. There are plenty of willing people to help you edit your story. If you really want an in-depth edit of your story, let me know. All the ideas have got to come from you, though.
Chicklet
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