New Story From LonelyMom

[LonelyMom]

I have a new story that has just been posted today. It is the story of an older woman on her death bed recounting an affair that she had many years ago. This is just the first part of the story. I hope that you will enjoy it and comeback often as her story unfolds.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=304734

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Overall, it was a pretty good story. I did enjoy it. I wish you would have spiced up the characters a bit with more dialog. At times the story seemed kind of flat, like a narrator was just telling us the story. As we oft say around here, "Show us, don't tell us." Make your story come alive with dialog.

Well done...

 

[LonelyMom]

Thank you for your comments drkside. Having had no training at this sort of thing, I love to get constructive criticism. I will try to keep your advice in mind in the future.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Thank you for your comments drkside. Having had no training at this sort of thing, I love to get constructive criticism. I will try to keep your advice in mind in the future.

Don't worry, either do I. Just keep writing. And good luck in the future.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

You did pretty well for a first time, LW. I agree with Drk. Your characters are pretty flat. You need to learn to let them talk and tell the story. That gives them personality, depth and life.

I think your first two paragraphs are a little weak. They could have been worded stronger. Typically, a weak beginning gets you "back clicks" and not votes. You might have started out with a terse discription (I don't often recomment ANY discription, but in this case it would work) of the woman in the bed before you introduce her. Something like -

The woman reached up and brushed a white curl away from her forehead. Then as her old eyes focused, she smiled a warm, broad smile.

Something like that. That catches the readers eye and toughens up the next paragraph.

The choice of first person POV would not have been my first choice. It tends to be quite restrictive, especially for this kind of story. I think it would have been more effective if you had switched to 3rd person when the story flashes back to Mary Margret's story. There are a number of devices you can use to do that.

Also you constantly made two punctuation errors. The first was the use of the double dash (--). Yeah. I know Mark Twain did it. It was wrong then too. One is all you need. The double dash makes the reader stumble.

The second thing was the use of the ellipsis. Your sentence reads: "As he began to kiss up the slope of my breasts, I heard and felt him murmur, "So beautiful.....'"

You almost got it right, which is better than most new writers do. And ellipsis is always three periods. Never fewer and never more.

None of these errors are really fatal.

The plot/story like were first rate. You did well. Keep it up.

JJ

 

[LonelyMom]

Thank you too, Jenny. You had me scratching my head over the double dash remark. I just went back and looked. You're right. I don't know where the double dash came from. It's not how it was written. It must be some quirk when the story gets pasted in the submission form. And I agree - I hate it, too.

I never heard the three period rule on elipses. (I didn't even know it was called an elipse) I didn't like using it to begin with. I just didn't know how to indicate a trailing off of speech.

As far as the 1st person POV, that's just the way the story took form in my head. Once it was started, I couldn't find a way to change gears. Chapter 2 has already been submitted and I can see some problems later on with that POV. I've got my fingers crossed that it will work out somehow.

I think I stink at writing dialog. I'm going to give it more of an effort, for sure.

Thank you so much for the pointers. The only way to learn the craft is by listening to experts : )

 

[cloudy]

Thank you too, Jenny. You had me scratching my head over the double dash remark. I just went back and looked. You're right. I don't know where the double dash came from. It's not how it was written. It must be some quirk when the story gets pasted in the submission form. And I agree - I hate it, too.

I never heard the three period rule on elipses. (I didn't even know it was called an elipse) I didn't like using it to begin with. I just didn't know how to indicate a trailing off of speech.

As far as the 1st person POV, that's just the way the story took form in my head. Once it was started, I couldn't find a way to change gears. Chapter 2 has already been submitted and I can see some problems later on with that POV. I've got my fingers crossed that it will work out somehow.

I think I stink at writing dialog. I'm going to give it more of an effort, for sure.

Thank you so much for the pointers. The only way to learn the craft is by listening to experts : )

The best advice I've ever heard about writing dialogue is to spend some time really listening to how people talk (not really what they say). People watch at a food court in a mall, or anywhere you can eavesdrop without seeming creepy.

People that are close often finish each other's sentences. Even those that aren't rarely speak in complete sentences, and their grammar usually sucks. That's cool, though - write your dialogue that way.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Loved the story and I think you write well.

First person is really wrong here. The contrast between the dying old lady and the passion that still forces her heart to beat is best told in third person, like a guardian angel floating over the hospital bed.

I don't know, something like, "They treated her as an old lady, beyond passion, but the noise of countless visitors ebbed away as Mary remembered..."

Drk and Jenny are right, the start is a bit slow and a lot more dialog would get us more in the picture.

Despite what you say, dialog is not that difficult. Cloudy gives really good advice , but it is simple. Write Mary's dialog as you would speak and her husband's as you would want to be spoken to.

Your storyline is very good and I enjoyed your story. Looking for the next part.

 

[LonelyMom]

I've heard from a lot of people who like first person and I've heard from a lot that don't. I think that it comes more natural to me than writing in the the third person. I think that the next time I write a story I will try it in the third person and see how it goes. The only way to grow and learn is to try something new, right?

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

I've heard from a lot of people who like first person and I've heard from a lot that don't. I think that it comes more natural to me than writing in the the third person. I think that the next time I write a story I will try it in the third person and see how it goes. The only way to grow and learn is to try something new, right?

That's true. I've done one under this name as first person. Personally, I don't find it confortable. It makes it very difficult to show what's going on with another character.

There are some devices you can use to switch between first and third person. The most common way is just to let the characters talk. They will reviel what you want to communicate themselves.

JJ

 

[WhiteWave48]

*****

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

A comment on this small and irritating thing - the double dash. My latest submission was posted with double dashes that weren't in my original text. My mistake was to submit in a text file, not a .doc. The Lit machines automatically converted single dashes in the .odt file to doubles online. I've learned my lesson now and it'll be a .doc submission for me next time.

Good luck with your story LM.

WhiteWave, we comment on all the things we find that will stumble the readers on Lit, as well as those very common errors such as lack of plot and characterization, POV and other things that make a story not just a story but a story of merit. We do so in an attempt to help the new writers improve to the point of publishable. Some have come to or near that point. A double dash, incorrect useage of an ellipsis or other punctuation errors are all a part of the craft that needs to be learned.

If we run across a typo or punctuation error, we generally ignore them. It's the errors that repeat we comment on.

LM had a very good story. It could have been better without the few errors she did make and a more appropriate POV. In truth, there was less wrong with LM's story than with 90% of the stories posted on Lit.

Now if you would like to join our little group of writers who critique the new writers you are welcome to do so with these things in mind.

 

[WhiteWave48]

*****

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Not sure, Jenny_Jackson, if that was a reprimand or not, as you appear to be speaking on behalf of a group, "we". At this end it's only "me". I didn't realize that the critiques were the preserve of a few, so my apologies to all if I've stumbled into a place I shouldn't be.

Clearly other posts before mine had already dealt with POV (which really interests me) and all the other important issues in LM's story, so I didn't add to the valuable advice already given on those points.

My small contribution was to note that the double dash may have been created accidentally as the story was posted. Motivated by a spirit of generosity I decided to post that information as I'd just had the experience myself and thought others might like to know, including LM, who already guessed the same. It really annoyed me to see double dashes in my last story, as they ruined the flow.

Literature, writing and editing is my profession, so I am more than merely aware of how important the small things are when it comes to crafting a whole work and making it a pleasure for the reader. I daresay that's why I gravitate to the writing threads rather than submitting one word posts elsewhere. It's great to see writers improving their work.

Dipping a cold toe in the Lit pool can be tricky for a foreigner as there's nothing like Lit over here to test our skills. We dip at our peril.

All that said, I do edit quite a few stories for Lit writers and I'm happy to help here if you think I qualify.

WW48
(J2)

No, it wasn't a repremand. You are quite welcome to join Cloudy, Drk, Elle, Starrkers, me and the others. We need more eyes. Of the several thousand writers on Lit we are a small group who even bother to help the new writers.

To be honest, it eats a lot of our time. Sometimes we are hated because a terrible story will get a terrible critique. As it happens, LM's story was one of the better stories I've seen for a couple weeks. It was innovative and creative.

She did make a few mistakes, but her grammar is a lot better than mine when I started. The double-dash may be a system error. There was a system update going on at the time the story was posted and we've found a number of other errors caused by the update. The ellipsis is an error made by every new writer on Lit. Most comonly it's used in place of a period creating a run-on sentence. Damn the chat rooms!!!

 

[WhiteWave48]

*****

 

[cloudy]

Unfortunately, there are many who only want "attaboys."

I don't give those, and neither do the rest here, unless it's deserved. Honest but tough critique is hard to take, I understand, but those that truly don't want it shouldn't ask for it.

You have no idea how many times I've been called a bitch for being honest.

I am most certainly easily capable of being a bitch, but I am always honest, and most of the time I'm very fair.

 

[LonelyMom]

I never expected this kind of response to a simple self-promotional plug! I love the fact that so many have taken an interest and I appreciate all of the comments. I'd like to hear from more of you on the 1st person vs. third person topic.

In this case I invisioned it as Mary Margaret's story and I thought the best person to tell it was her. Maybe I'm in the minority here, but I like 1st person stories. They seem more intimate to me - as if the character is speaking only to me and letting me in on some kind of secret.

I have gone back and read some of the top rated stories in the romance catagory and I do like the way the authors were able to allow the dialogue bring the story out as well.

The two different styles make for a very different type of story. Is it just a matter of personal taste? I'd love to hear from others about this.

 

[WhiteWave48]

*****

 

[LonelyMom]

Thank you WW48. I'm learning more about writing in the past week than I had in my first 48 years. This is sure a lot cheaper than college!

I'd love to hear from others on this subject, too.

If you'd like to take a break from the forums, feel free to take a look at Chapter 2 of this story (How's that for a shameless plug?). It's a shorter chapter that details the rest of our ewlyweds' wedding night.

P.S. The double dashes did NOT appear this time.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=305427