New Story Feedback - Warning: Some May Find Disturbing

[lefthandfantasy]

Greetings,

My second story has been approved and I'm open for feedback. It is a borderline non-consensual story that involves some gun play. Please do not read or respond if this bothers you.

I appreciate your thoughts, here is the story:

http://www.literotica.com/s/awakened-through-the-gun


Thanks,
LeftHandFantasy

 

[NightyKnight]

*****

 

[Legalsnoop_98]

Just wrote my first story and have had little to no feedback. If anyone would read it and tell me what the think I would great appreciate it. I have thick skin so feel free to be brutal. http://www.literotica.com/s/the-present-ch-01-1

 

[PokingFun]

First, I wouldn't want to have to clean that gun. I am a woman who carries often and have been in many a gun store. I had no problem picturing your scene, down to the textures and smells. You describe your scenes well. Someone who is familiar with guns will automatically respect the majesty of the Desert Eagle .50 cal, but I don't know if those who don't would get the juxtaposition of the two beauties.

The soft, sumptuous beauty of the woman, all warmth and curves, the weakness of the flesh - She emanates luxury and exorbitance. She has the kind of softness you get from having the time to concentrate on herself rather than on anyone else.

I would like to see you give more attention to the gun to bring out the juxtaposition. You expressed the power, but the gun is beautiful as well, in a different way. The hard lines. The cold steel/her hot mouth. You get the idea. The gun's purpose is for work and work alone and not for its own benefit but for the protection of the one who carries it. The one who polishes the gun is master. It has no power without master to load it. You describe how it gleams. It takes care to keep a gun in that kind of shape. It doesn't sit in a box somewhere. Your character could grow into quite a master.

The gun is a manifestation of power in submission. On its own its a pretty object, but nothing more. In the hands of a caring master it has power enough to move mountains.

I would love to read more about Master Jackson, especially if Ashley comes back for more.

I do hope you continue writing

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Just wrote my first story and have had little to no feedback. If anyone would read it and tell me what the think I would great appreciate it. I have thick skin so feel free to be brutal. http://www.literotica.com/s/the-present-ch-01-1

It is very rude to highjack another author's thread. Post your own thread and I will reply to you.

 

[joelafayette]

.....

 

[PokingFun]

Good point. Let’s get something straight up front before everyone with a gun fetish rape fantasy shows up in PokingFun’s inbox.

PokingFun does not have a gun fetish rape fantasy. Don’t get me wrong, I do like guns. I don’t want one between my legs, but on my hip in a holster is just fine with me.

That being said, I do have a strong appreciation for the Desert Eagle .50 cal. It is a formidable piece. I can guarantee you that if there is a Desert Eagle .50 in the room, it is getting a healthy share of the attention. It seems to me that the author used it as a plot device, a Macguffin. Ashley, the antagonist, is looking for something but she doesn’t put her finger on exactly what it is. It is necessary for the gun to be special in order for it to move the plot forward. The gun has to be special. There has to be a reason for locking the doors. For example, a Bersa .45 would not have had the same impact. The macguffin means a great deal to the protagonist.

If he really wanted to show her what he carried, he would have shown her what was on his hip. If he is running a gun store you can be sure he is packing heat himself. The gun’s role comes to its climax (no pun intended) as the story’s moves forward from the intimidation to the sexual act. The gun becomes less important from that point forward.

I’m a writing geek. What can I say?

 

[lefthandfantasy]

Thanks everyone for the response.

I wrote this after discussing this fetish with a friend of mine. I understood at the onset of writing that this would only appeal to a small audience, but I'm not really concerned with mass appeal. I created LeftHandFantasy to explore more fringe subject matter anyways.

It seems like PokingFun really understood the core concept involved and that's good to hear. Your spot on about the choice of the Desert Eagle, as well as your overall analysis of the scene.

I'm not sure if I will continue these characters or not, but it is certainly encouraging to hear that people would enjoy it. Thanks for the responses, and I hope you all read my upcoming work.

 

[InterestedInColumbus]

Liked it much

Good read. Can't quibble with any of the gun experts, I'm not one. What I enjoy are awakening stories and the mental and emotional struggle of boundary pushing. I felt it for both of them. It could have probably built more, but I very much enjoyed it as is.

 

[PokingFun]

Hey LeftHandFantasy, did you ever post your story? If so, how was it received?

 

[robertreams]

You need an editor, lots of faults. For many readers, they interfere with the flow of ideas, "still' and 'just' are valley girl type sland and should be avoided. Your commas are non-existant, skewing your meaning. Your pronoun use is confusing, often we do not know who or what he. she, it, is. Your story did not turn me on, but then it is not my style.