New story feedback appreciated

[absoluterotter]

Hi Guys, I'm a new writer on this site and have just had accepted the first three parts of what I hope will be a believable, but still very erotic, story. The parts can be found here:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=393695&page=submissions

Feedback from readers has so far been mixed - some thinking I'm moving too fast, others that I'm moving too slow, and then there are the others who want the story to be a romantic love-in between a happily married couple with no outside interest (why are they finding their reading material here?).

I set out to write a believable coercion story with real characters and storyline, and that takes time to develop, and maybe this isn't the best site for publishing such a work?

I would really appreciate comments from some of you more experienced writers, so feel free and have a look at the parts already published, and let me have your (hopefully constructive) criticism.

Thanks in anticipation,

Rotter

 

[doormouse]

Okay, I'll read the first and give you my honest opinion

 

[doormouse]

Okay, the two, three(?) paragraphs leading up to the letter.... the sentences are so long, they're annoying.

I'm still reading.

 

[doormouse]

Probably a really good story. Sorry, I lose interest easily.

Good luck with it.

 

[MLyons]

Well, I read the first chapter, then skimmed the second and third.

Your writing is quite good, and easy to follow. I have several problems. I appreciate what you're trying to do (which I mostly gather not from the story itself, but from your repeated comments ABOUT the story in the form of the preface or in your public comments area) but the story itself just isn't ... interesting enough for me to see the promise of what's to come.

I think alot of this has to do with most of the first chapter being paragraph after paragraph of Suzanne's introspection. There's no action. She's not doing anything. Granted those paragraphs are very easy to read, and your writing is very clear (and that's really nice) but there's just too much telling going on. I have problems with this myself. Hell we all do.

I don't care if it's a first chapter of a thousand page novel, it's still quite bland and uninteresting, and the truth is, in my limited experience with writing longer pieces, the first and last chapters are the most difficult parts of a story to write. The first chapter HAS to hook us. I see the hooks you were trying to make with the string of emails, and the odd requests of Ian's employers, and those are fair hooks, but there's just too little action. After reading chapter 1, and your telling me I have to wade through 7 or so Lit pages of similar prose with spare action and alot of telling before we even get to her dinner with the boss, I just don't think I'm up for it.

The story might do better in the Novel/Novella category since that is clearly what you are attempting to create, especially since no non-consent or reluctance happens for a good long while.

I'm not slighting longer pieces of work. In fact, I PREFER longer pieces with a story to follow, but at the same time, my bias is for some blistering hot sexual tension all along the way, and I'm just not getting that here.

I appreciate that you're trying to create a believable story, but let's look at that. Suzanne claims to have been an executive sales manager before she had Emma. She would have been at most 23 years old at the time. The way you represent her as a high powered, very experienced executive sales manager at 23 years old is somethng I find HIGHLY unlikely in the context of a story that's trying to create everyday characters in extraordinary circumstances. Beyond little niggly things like that though, the stakes just weren't high enough. Suzanne is... boring. She's middle of the road. She's not shocked at anything, and she's not especially non-shockable either. I have to take your word that she has no idea what she's in for, but her character just isn't interesting enough to me (whether through innocence, unusual traits, or strong personality) to want to wade through all this muck to get to the intense stuff you claim is coming.

I don't know. I may not be being fair, because I haven't read all three chapters, but skimming chapters 2 and 3, it all just seemed "blah blah blah" to me. It wasn't interesting enough of itself, and it just kept holding off on getting to the part I was really interested in, which was Friday night. I may not be your audience. Your writing is excellent, but you need to figure out a way to show more and tell less. That's my opinion.

That said, when more of your chapters go up, I'll try to remember to go back and keep an eye on the story to see if, as you claim, there really is something big and intense that's going to come of all this. Right now, I don't believe it, and in the story itself, there's no real indication of it.

Take these comments and throw them away as you see fit. Since I really feel in the case of longer stories that I should read the whole thing before I vote, I didn't.

 

[absoluterotter]

feedback so far.....

Thanks for the honest and constructive criticisism. I really do appreciate it. I was very aware of the slow satrt, and the lack of action - that's one reason why John appears, to get at least some action in before Friday comes along. I guess I've gone too far in trying to do what I set out to do.

Interestingly, a lot of the responses I have received have really appreciated the slower approach, and a fair few have thought it was too long-winded (most succinctly put by one critic who wrote "great story - get a move on", which says it all really).

Their may be a bit of misunderstanding due to transatlantic English in Suzanne's former role - in the UK anyone who sells anything (from a shop assistant to a door bashing hoover salesperson) is a sales executive - the executive does not imply any sort of seniority or status.

Anyway, thanks for the feedback so far. Maybe future reviewers should start with part 3 and miss out on the early parts.

Rotter

 

[MLyons]

Ah, my apologies about the "sales executive" misunderstanding.

My bad.

I do still stand behind my comments about Suzanne though. She's just not... compelling enough as a character to me--especially if she's the protagonist of the story.

 

[Guest]

Who is John Kerry? What does he do? Is he hang like black men?

 

[boxofrocks]

Who is John Kerry? What does he do? Is he hang like black men?

Are you hung like a black man?

I don't care... I just want you!!!

CV, you and me.. let's do it baby