New Story, Feedback and Editors

[matt_wolf]

Just had a story posted today and I like getting feedback, good or bad, so please do so:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=301346

Somebody has already pointed out that Fred and Ginger aren't in Singing in the Rain. Sorry, what can I say, I was distract when I was watching it.

Someone else has pointed out the typos and suggested an editor. How does that work?

 

[HappilyM]

Okay

I read your story, as the comment suggested, you really should have had an editor look this over.

1st thing I noticed 'ok' either O.K. or okay.

2nd - talking to the readers, not a good aproach. If you are going to write in 1st person, please explain your emotions and inner thoughts, if not then it is nothing more than poor 3rd person.

3rd - when a person speaks ex. "Please will you come over here" use "" not ' ' they are reserved for thoughts, or to enclose a quotation within a quote

4th - "still blinking at you" did you start writing this in 2nd person and not catch this mistake

5th - The protag. already took off his pants, then a few lines later still had his pants on, very confusing

6th - changed from past to present tense.

Now that I tore your story apart, let me say this, with a little more developement you would have received a 5 from me. Please keep writing, it is how you improve. Your next story really should be seen by a VE first. Here is the link to the VE http://www.literotica.com:81/editors/
Good luck and please keep writing.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Okay, Matt...first paragraph...

"We'd been drinking. Well, of course we'd been drinking, otherwise this would never have happened. Drink is great for lowering the inhibitions. But just as important, I think, was that we'd only been going out for a short while, had only slept together a couple of times, and I was deeply to love. Okay, at that point, I didn't know it was love, but I certainly was deeply in lust. So I was particularly keen to do anything to impress her. Or maybe I just had or needed or wanted (?) to do anything she asked. "

The next couple of sentences...
"Anyway, it was a soaking wet, spring day (section deleted), so it didn't feel too miserable, just fresh (words deleted) and wet. The rain was lashing down in solid blocks of water, making anybody who stepped outside instantly drenched.

Not really all that bad for a first go, Matt. You do need an editor for two things: grammar/punctuation and word flow. You are writing too fast. Slow down a bit. You leave out words and then replicate, unnecessarily. When you get done writing (I do this after each paragraph) stop and read the story out loud to yourself. See how it sounds. See how the words flow and if there are missing words they should pop out at you.

I don't agree with Happy M that you can't talk to the reader, but it is very difficult and mostly it doesn't come off well. I've done it once effectively. But it was a very special kind of story.

Generally, a good plot idea. The characters are believable and so on. It's a good start. You will do well on Lit. Just slow down a bit.

 

[matt_wolf]

Thanks for those responses, constructive criticism always good - and yes I do tend to write quickly.

However, and I don't want to sound like I feel then need to offer a defence, but...... some of the comments are to do with differences between British and American English - see pants in particular, but also Ok, aspects of sentence construction and single/double inverted commas.

Is it possible to edit a story after posting, the Fred/Ginger thing is bugging some people?

 

[HappilyM]

Is it possible to edit a story after posting, the Fred/Ginger thing is bugging some people?

Yes, what you can do is edit your story then resubmit just add "Edited" to the title and in a few days the edited version will be posted in place of the orig. Hope that helps.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Yes, what you can do is edit your story then resubmit just add "Edited" to the title and in a few days the edited version will be posted in place of the orig. Hope that helps.

Is that right? You add 'edited' to the title and not put it in the comments/special instructions box?

Matt
Welcome. Although I agree with the comments about editing mistakes, I must say I liked your story - great, wild fantasy.

Won't repeat what others have said but will just give you two cents worth about editing (posh writers' word).

The first stage of 'editing' is what is called' proofreading'. You (or someone else) goes through your text with a fine toothcomb, spellcheck and grammar check, to look for glitches. These can be typos - I've never added 'cunt' to my spellcheck dictionary in case I miss it when checking something for work. Ouch! Also, you can check facts. Your Ginger problem would have been pickedup by a quick Google on 'Singing in the Rain'. When you go public it's always worth checking your facts.

Reading your text out loud or putting it into 16 font and double spacing can help a self-edit sometimes - but horses for courses. I try and leave a finished story for a few days, then go back and proofread.

The second part of editing is more judgemental. You have to act like a movie director with the rushes and see what works. Judge every scene/paragraph to decide whether it advances the story. Often, stories slow or stall because we are being told about trivia we don't need to know.

Try and put yourself in the reader's seat and question whether you are confusing them with changes to the approach. If you start talking to the reader, you are putting them out of the action. They become audience and stop feeling the rain and the fear of discovery. (Loved the bit about her hand aquaplaning down his back - but I bet the purists would complain). Best advice for keeping interest is to put the reader right in the thick of it.

Nothing wrong at all with first person POV, but I think it is overdone - especially considering 50% of your readers are a different gender. My rule of thumb is to start with third person unless I can see a reason for using first person. It's easier to write too.

If you check out my stories, you'll soon see I don't always listen to my own advice.

I think you tell a good tale and will be watching out for more from you. Just take a pause before posting to do what the French call a 'toilette' of your text. A complete 'wash and brush'. If you want some outside help - try the Editors' Forum here.

Good start, more please!

 

[MzDeviancy]

3rd - when a person speaks ex. "Please will you come over here" use "" not ' ' they are reserved for thoughts, or to enclose a quotation within a quote.

Actually, you can use either - they tend to use ' ' in Britain, I believe - as long as you're consistent.